Morning page #194 no more supporting character

 Woke up at 7:14 am, and replayed the Christmas movie I fell asleep to last night. 

Happy boxing day...I don't know do people say that?

What am I talking about of course they do.

Usually, that's the day we open our presents. Mum likes to buy her presents on boxing day, but that didn't happen this year.

11:38 am Youtube watch later list on TV, a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. Also eating potatoes, parsnips, carrots and sweet potatoes. 

I am taking back control of my life. I didn't realise it before, but I was living in the passenger seat of my life. A supporting character if you like. Living through the eyes of others instead of what I want, that changes today. That was my breakthrough, it's not about being right it's about what is right for me.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do. 

21 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #193 (crush)

I woke at 10: 40 am. Lying in bed thinking should I write a morning page today. Went to the kitchen, and washed the plates (by this time I have decided, yes, I am go

11:26 am a cup of lemon tea water (with real lemons) I do not have a cold right now, I just randomly decided to make it.

You know I think lemons would be my family’s mascot (if we had one) My mum swears by it, there is always some in the house. And (I feel iffy about starting a sentence with and) whenever we were ill when we were younger, she gave us lemon tea and honey.

I feel strongly that next year will not only be different it will be the best year yet.

My mum just asked me to design her Christmas carol program (for tomorrow btw) and all I think in my head is to get used to it because this is the last time.

Oh, I forgot to say what I was watching tarot card reading.

Water/ tea check: Still hot

(It is still tea, I mean that is how you make tea (add water)

The thing with tarot card reading is I think I will stop watching them soon, I feel that. It is served its purpose. It is becoming annoying and frustrating to watch at times.

I have decided I am going to make a TikTok about my crush. My life going forward is going to be about not lying. I mostly do it because I want to come back in 5 years and say that was then this is now.

There is a woman I want to be. And until I reach that point, I have work to do.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #192

 Woke at 9: something and went to the toilet. I went to the kitchen to make some tea not thinking I would write a morning page. Then I saw that the time was 9:55 so I figured I might as well. Since the last time I wrote one was on the 6^th.

10:54am just finished a cup of Moringa tea. My life right now is more relaxed than it is anxious and full of worries. I’m working on riding my life off that part.                                                  

Years ago, when I was in a job I hated, literary 95% of it. I had to ask myself whether I see myself working here in 5 years, before I asked am I happy.                                                                                     

From now on that is always a question I ask.

Is this In my future?

List of things I’m looking forward to.

 

Christmas

No more universal credit

My life without the need to explain feelings and thoughts.

 

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do.

16 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #191

 Woke at 10:40 am from a wonderful dream. Me and my boyfriend traveling on a boat. We must have lived on it for a few years because we had kids during too. I have decided I am gonna take dreams like this as the future, not just a dream. Why not the only one who will notice it did not happen is me.

11:48 am, I made some egg (fried) sandwiches. I cut the middle of the bread and put the egg there. It is the first thing I made that I saw in YouTube, I am very proud.

Speaking of dreams, I had one the other day. I would not really consider it a dream in the deep asleep sense. Because it is…I wanna say Rem sleep. Where you are not awake but not totally asleep either (not in deep sleep). I just hear a voice calling my name (male). It is a sound that always jolts me awake. Like the movies show someone waking from a nightmare. It is the only thing close to a recurring dream I have had. Apart from the actual recuring dream I have had (always forgot that) in the past year. I only had three maybe 4 of those dreams and then nothing since I guess because I know it’s because the lesson was learnt.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point, I have work to do.

 

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

Morning page #190

 Woke at 8:45 am and I went to the toilet. Washed the plates and dried the clothes in the washing machine.

9:41 am, I am doing a Christmas movie a day this month. With all the 30-day challenges and affirmations I did year I thought I would finish it off with some movies. And I also brought the pukka advert calendar. Yesterday was Noelle, today is The noel diary. Tea is ‘feel new,’ it has aniseed, fennel (yuk), Cardamon and turmeric. This year has been a year of rediscovery. I have been trying to rid myself of the image of me through other people’s eyes. Like yesterday I was so exhausted on days like that I just sleep all day. It is great but I cannot help feeling guilty and like I should be doing something. I am stripping my life of the things I do not need. The things that make my anxiety flare up.

 

By the way, this movie is…it is not great. Though the female main character is an amazing singer. I remember her from Station 19.

 

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point, I have work to do.

 

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #189

 11: 28 am, I haven't been to sleep...no I tell a lie, I've been up for 10 hours. I thought since I'm up I might as well write a morning page.

I've been having a lot of realizations this year that started with my autism, and it just keeps coming. The latest one is when I accidentally watch the tarot card reading deck I didn't pick (because I fall asleep) I still find that one is a little bit like the one I choose. Got me overthinking about tarot card reading as a whole. But I realise it's just that the message needs to get to me. 

Just finished some croissants mum reminded me of the yum yum's she used to buy. Which is what I will be calling the long doughnuts from now on.

Watching the tarot priest's '2023 predictions, messages to guide you in the new year,'

I've stopped and started this 3 times now so maybe I wasn't meant to watch this. I was meant to be surprised about how wonderful the year will be.

Feeling check-in: I'm feeling pretty great actually. After this, I'm going to make some hot chocolate.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do. 

18 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #188

 Woke at 5:45 am and I went to the toilet (both numbers) 

I remembered today was my wash day so I did that before I wrote this. 

7:02 am, Dark mint, camomile and grapefruit. American dad on mac. I’m having a steak of remembering dreams. I was even able to lucid dream 2 days ago. One guess who I was thinking about. The laptop (Chrome) I brought arrived yesterday. This is the first time owning (Chrome). It was the best decision it’s definitely better than an Apple mac.

I just remembered my mum’s comment

‘Why didn’t I buy a phone,’

First of all, I need a laptop more than I need a phone (always) 

Two my mum didn’t know my laptop had stopped working, but she does know my phone is on its last leg.

This got me thinking about people can’t see other people’s points of view.  To my mum who uses her phone to communicate with others. A phone is more needed than a laptop. I am not the same in fact I’d rather you emailed me. 

Tea check: drinking temperature.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #187

 11: 27 am, sleep in my eyes and doing somersaults.

That's why I have a peppermint tea in front of me. Coco melon on the TV (well my niece is watching it)

I woke at 11:  13 am and the only reason I didn't start with that is I woke to no plates in the sink. Just my niece crying. I did wee though. 

That reminded me of the time I was in America (for some reason) in a Buffalo wings restaurant to be exact and I asked a staff member where the toilet is and she looked at me like I had 2 heads. Now...I know ther reason. I know the conversation from her point of view.  but I also feel strongly that as someone who works in a restaurant it's important to know those things. Because that word is used by the British English people. Anyway, that was my first thought. I get it but maybe do some research.

Tea check: still too hot.

Seeing my life from a different view (especially this year). Trying to let go of things I can't control. I've realised what I need 100 per cent is to do only what I want to do all the time or at least more times than not. Try to strip the people-pleaser personality.

Tea check: Still too hot

In the past, I felt like I need to do this thing. Now I can't afford to do anything that I'm not at least 60% into. 

Feeling: right now my stomach has stopped somersaulting and I'm feeling happy - relaxed.

There is a woman that I want to be and until that moment I have work to do

25 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #186

 When I first woke I thought it was 10 or 11, but when I woke again it was a few minutes to 7 am. I'm pretty sure time doesn't go back (at least not more than an hour) 

I went to the kitchen washed the plates in the sink and made my hot drink.

8:16 am, I felt like having a hot chocolate today. Youtube watch list on Mac. Currently, Joe (can't remember his surname at this second) talking about his Christian deconstruction. He is @whatisjoedoing on Youtube 'You can let go of Jesus but what about your cross? 

I have a song in my head, I'm in two minds about if I should class it as random. I was watching GMM (of course) season 9 and I heard the 'song when you want to say I love but can't, The music reminded me of the 'my wife and kids,' episode when Michael is sitting at a piano in junior's room. The only lines I remember are...

'I don't know whether to hit him with the left or the right,'

and

'If he do it again my oldest kid gonna be claire,'

Man, so frustrating, I searched and I searched. So I think binge-watching the show is my best bet.

Hot drink check: drinking temperature, if I sip it.

I think I've changed my opinion about people's deconstruction from the Christian faith because I've had people close to me go through that. This also cemented the opinion is opinion at the end of the day quote in my mind. We grew up the same way, taught the same things (in terms of Christianity anyway) but their conclusion was different from mine. Before this, I would avoid videos of that kind and I saw it as a bad thing. I didn't want to be influenced. I see it as this is your journey. It's not I'm right you're wrong, it's I'm right but so are you. 

I mean we are more accepting of someone who sees someone's (let's say on Youtube) A and B and coming to a conclusion and making a video/blog about this assumption. Then we are the first someone having A and B and that conclusion being different than ours. It's like you're saying you know more about the person's life than they do, it's ridiculous

36, minutes, There is a woman that I want to be and until that point, I have work to do, see you when I see you.

Morning page #185

 Woke @ 11: 54 am because my mum needed to tell me my sister is coming to take some rice and other stuff from the house. I really need that stuff to stop. I was not born for you. Mum says so and so is coming to collect a bag and can you open the door and give it. I stay awake for hours but that person never comes. And that's my day taken away.

On the bright side, I wanted to write a morning page today so there's that. But I am awake and angry because of the above also my restart booked me an appointment (Phone but still) for today when I had one yesterday. It's clearly a mistake, I already have tao deal with universal credit and restart appointments in the same week. I am not having three appointments in the same week no way...go away.

Oh forgot to say I made myself a Masala tea.

Tea check: It's at drinking temperature.

I'm thinking a lot about things I will not be taking with me to the future. If it makes me mad/angry. Come to think of it this started when I was doing my princess trust in 2002 and a girl asked me

'if you could be/ do anything what would it be? 

She said 

'If money was not an option and if you didn't need to do any studying for it what it be, If I said you could do it right now,'

My answer was a nurse. It may or may not surprise you that this wasn't my truthful answer. I honestly had no idea at that point. I've been trying to figure it out that and asking myself what will make me happy.

Ok, I've calmed down a little and had a little realization that the reason I hate being woken up is the same reason I hate being pushed to go faster. My own pace is essential (I've said this before) Because you wake me up before I was meant to and that disturbs the natural order of things.

39 minutes, there is a woman I want to be and until that point, I have work to do, see you when I see you.

I had another realisation

...that I was living my life through the world's eyes and not God's. I first came to that conclusion at 21 when I realised my trying to get rid of my 'shyness' (in inverted commas because I don't identify with that word anymore) instead of accepting who I am.

The latest realization came to me while in my restart appointment. I always worry about explaining myself and giving the reason why I'm saying no to this or that. Because all I have is I don't need it or I don't want to because I'm me 100%. 

This year's self-improvement/self-development/ spiritual discovery has brought me to the conclusion that I have all I need within me. So I don't need to change anything.

Morning page #184

 Woke at 10: 30 am, exactly 10: am on the dot (no, I'm not sure about that one) I went to the toilet (number 1). Then I went to the kitchen, washed plates and made tea.

11:04 am, YouTube on Mac. Currently, Paula Cole's Where have all the cowboy's gone? A random thought that came into my head

 

'Is this the same person who sang the Dawson's creek theme?'

 

I'm pretty sure her name was/is Paula, because I don't know if she's still living. I probably won't look it up while I'm doing this.

 

I have a sore throat brewing so I have a dark mint and peppermint tea in front of me.

 

I'm trying to resist the urge to overanalyse trying to figure out what caused it. Is it the Twits salted caramel flavour (well that's clearly wrong) Twix

 

Tea check: still hot.

 

'Is it the new teas I brought?'

 

It's probably not the teas, but you never know. Leave it to beaver compilation because it was suggested by Link Neal (GMM). I love it, it is so funny. I wish there was a way I could watch it.

Speaking of GMM I am currently on season 8 episode 44. I'm thinking I'll be on to season 11 at least before the end of this year.

 

Tea check: It's at a drinking temperature.

 

I am working on creating my 2.0 self. The future me. My mind is at spring cleaning level (ha, I like that) the whole if it doesn't spark joy throw it away. I am constantly thinking I not only won't need it. I can't have it in my life in order to be happy.

Universal credit/ benefit/job centre.

Number 2: Feeling the need to explain why I do the things I do the way I do them.

 

Update: Paula cole (still alive) also sang I don't want to wait for Dawson's creek theme. Hmm, you learn something new every day.

 

Maureen Langan is hilarious (dry-bar comedy)

 

39 minutes, uh...what did I write before (trying to update this bit) not going to look it up. trying to create the best version of myself.

 

Uh...no...I had to look this one up because I have it written in my scrapbook.

 

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do. See you when I see you.

Morning page #183 I don't know

I haven't been to sleep, I've been watching GMM season 7. I think I am going to do this in 2 parts because I have a UC appointment at 9:30 am (currently 9:07 am. In fact, I'm going to make a cup of tea. I don't know if I should make it now (because it's 09:19) or after my appointment.  

Yea I think I'll just wait til after the appointment it's now 09: 27. 

09:59 am round two, a cup of tea in front of me, appointment over (called at 9:44 am). I'm proud of myself for not making up an answer. 

Tea check: still hot

The whole I don't know is not an ok answer to a question thing that people have. She asked me why basically and like I said my answer was I don't know. But I'm glad I didn't make something up. Because that's all I have to give right at this second.

It's like if I was having a conversation with someone and they asked 

'Why is it the moon looks like it's moving when it's not?' 

I can look it up (in fact I probably will) but for right now I do not know that is literary what I have in my head.

Oh my God realisation, what I have in my head. I would beat myself up about saying the wrong thing. But I didn't know like when I was chatting with a teacher and she asked if I had ever been outside London, and I said no. The fact is I didn't realise that Weymouth was outside London at the time. Number one because I was in primary school when that trip happened. Number two all I remember about it is SeaWorld. Forgetting that I'd also been to France (Twice) in secondary. I forgot that for a while and was forced on Weymouth. 

Anyway, my teacher when she heard me mention Weymouth to another was in my mind angry that I lied and that has stuck with me. Must be right or else, People ask and then I say I don't know then they change the words and ask again.  BTW when I say I don't know it means I don't know or this is all I have for you.

52 minutes, see you when I see you. I am busy manifesting my dream life (I'm trying to update this last bit) 

Stop comparing me.

 I've just now realised 16:54 what my problem is 

I have been compared to other people all my life. I know that the person saying this has never meant it the way I took it (which is my second problem btw...telling myself that I shouldn't feel what I'm feeling because of that reason). I think things like 'They did it so should/ could you,' were said I took it as I'm a failure because I can't.

I was in Nigeria eating really tough meat and someone in the room said 

'Your grandma can,'

In my mind, I was thinking not only can I not chew it I don't want to. But the thing is I still put that meat in my mouth and tried to chew for a good amount of time because here's this someone who by the way has been chewing this meat for years (probably before I was born)

It's like when I put a sandwich in the oven now I know to put it in the bottom rack for 5 minutes and then the top for the last 10. The first time I did it I didn't know there was a better way. my point is the person was comparing my grandma's part S to my part A, it's not fair. 

I think this is the thing that has been blocking me all these years from my authentic self.

Morning Page #181

 08:24 am is when I woke up today, I went to the toilet and then went straight to the kitchen. 

08:41 am a cup of Mango green tea in front of me. Mainly because it's the only one I have left (except for a few graze teas) Family Guy Season 11 on Mac. I had a dream that I can't remember now

Just now remembered. I haven't filled in my sleep and brain diary. 

Should I do that or should I wait till I finished this?

Ok, I'm back...Oh and it's now 08:54 am 

Tea check: still hot.

The last few days I have found the motivation to speed through some GMM episodes.  1 I forgot I was watching them from the beginning. And two lost my motivation to do it in the first place.

Anyway, I am now on season 6 episode 64. I've also been feeling creative these past few days, creative by drawing.

Tea check: still hot.

My favourite character on Family Guy is Stewie because he's never not funny. And I like the fact that the show reminds us he is a baby every once in a while. Just Like just now when they were spelling words and he was like 'Wha...what's going on?' or when he gets mad at people for talking when he is watching his shows. 

Man, I'm so tired.

Tea check: still hot

33 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #180 Through enjoyment eyes

 Woke up at...not 5 am. Went to the toilet. Then I made myself a Graze tea. 

Yesterday my mum asked me to make her green tea. She wanted one of my teas. I just now saw that I still had one peppermint and strawberry left. 

5:50 am watch later youtube list. I saw a box of Lemsip in the kitchen. The first time I tried it was in 2006 being on the show' Get a life,' yes that's what it was actually called. This got me reminiscing about that year, it was one of my favourite years. 

Usher celebrating 25 years of my way and now I think I might listen to some Usher songs after this. Usher has been a celebrity crush since 1997, 13 years old. Him and Will Smith since...I'm going to say 6 or 7 maybe I'll say 8. The fresh prince of bel-air started in 1990. I was 6 but I don't remember watching the 1st season. Plus I was too busy experiencing my first actual crush on an actual boy. I thought 1993 because it's the same year (btw another one of my favourite years) I enter a danced to PJ and Duncan's 'let's get ready to rhumble,' or 'Our radio rocks,' It's one of those moments I look back on and realise if it was the other way I wouldn't have this story. Because wouldn't say we were terrible but we did have one move. I for the life of me can't remember what it was.  The only reason I was in that position was that I didn't know how to say no. Now that it's been years I can look at it through my enjoyment eyes. I definitely wasn't thinking about it that way for the next months even a few years later. 

cutting this off now because I need to wee.

38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #179

 Woke at 7:03 am (I think) weed (as in pee). Then I went to the kitchen. It's 7:07 am and it's still dark outside. I wonder if that's a 17th of October thing only.

07: 27 am cup of tea in front of me and I just finished a banana. Youtube watch later on Mac. 

In the past, I would have said no Esther the fact that it's still dark at 7 am is not a one-day thing. But since I am obsessed with numbers nowadays. 17th day then it just happened to be 7:07 when I looked at the time in the kitchen 7:27 when I started writing, to me means something and I will be looking it up after this. 

I love it when a tarot reading is accurate. New stage but not quite there yet, yes thank you @soulfulrevolution.

Tea check: still hot

So many things to say which one to start. 

I have a scracth on my right leg that looks like it was bleeding. I say looks like it because I didn't notice it was there until a few days ago. I definitely didn't notice it was bleeding. I probably bumped it somewhere. At first, I thought it was an insect bite. Now I realise that doesn't make sense. I think I feel a bump. 

My stage now is to see what I will take with me into the future. Some things are a maybe. Like...

Tea check: Hot but I think it's drinking hot. I don't want it to get too warm.

...the way I raise my kids or adoption. I get a lot of future downloads whether it be from dreams or daydreams and those make me ecstatic and excited. 

My nails are bothering me again only the ones on my foot this time the right ones to be exact, the little toe on the right. I won't pause this to sort it I'll just sign off here.

It's 7:47 am

20 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #178

 Woke up at 8:09 am (I checked this time) After the toilet I went to the kitchen and made myself a green tea. I still have something that is sore in my right ear. I'm worried I have no idea what it is. Maybe it's because I use cotton buds. You're not supposed to do that. I think I'll wait till after my phone appointment @ 9:30 am today. 

9:57 am my work coach was 5 minutes later but she made up for it by getting me to talk about my writing. I hardly ever (as in never) talk about my writing with my work coaches. They've been discouraging in the past. When I've spoken about other stuff the job centre generally just wants you to get a job, any job doesn't matter which.

Family Guy season 11 on Mac.

I need to pause this to cut my nails again. Which others may choose to see as a coincidence. I choose to see it as a sign, Don't know what yet.

I've been forgetting dreams lately.  I know that technically we dream every night. I have just been aware that I forgot a dream, like remembering bits and pieces. I think my twin flame was in this one but I can't remember. Maybe I'm experiencing this lately because my twin flame is remembering his dreams about me. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. 

Ok at the end of this I feel happy and smiley. I feel full of love and I'm hungry. I'll make breakfast after this. I think I'll do it this way again.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #177 significant other (crush)

 10:40 ish wake up. Basing that on the time it was when I went to the kitchen from the toilet.

11:22 a cup of hot chocolate in front of me. It was cold but not freezing. I slept to a 12-hour video called twin flames reunion on YouTube. I never heard of the words twin flames before this year I'd always said soulmates. 

My gum on the right side is aching but it seems to be gone now.

Tea Hot chocolate check: still hot.

and my right ear inside was hurting too. That one hasn't gone away. My nails are bothering me so I must sort that out before I continue. I hate it when the skin peels under the nail then I have to cut it so I can peel the skin. 

Hot chocolate check: still hot.

I'm rolling my eyes because today's Good mythical morning episode has a guest star. I skip those episodes usually. And the ones with the new sporked team. I mean why do they need someone ther when they're tasting food...need someone to hold their hands or what.

My reason= it's awkward and cringy is that I feel it in my whole body. The second-hand cringe is like being punched in the face. I feel like it's me but literary me it's happening to. I am thinking about my person today (well what's new). I am going to take the attitude I had when listening to the many reasons others gave for Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander hating each other. I won't believe it until they say otherwise, from their mouth, with words. 

So significant other, future boyfriend, future husband and father of our 6 kids.  If you are reading this yes I love you just as much as you me. Let's start our lives together in words. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #176

 I woke...I'm saying 10:10 am. I didn't look at the time. Went to the toilet and then to the kitchen. When I woke the positive quote poster was on the floor. Of course, I put it back up and it's staying up but I took it as a sign to buy a new one.

10:36 am a cup of Mango green tea (I forgot about them) in front of me there are about 20, and most of the other teas are finished. Bob's burgers season 8 on Mac. I can't stop thinking about the fan episode. I think it's a wonderful thing and it was really great to watch. In fact, I might go watch it again after this. 

In my life now I look for signs. Well, I always have in the past. Nowadays it's been turned up a notch. Seeing 11:11 or 2:22  for me is a sign from the angels.

I was going to brush my teeth. I am going to do that now

10:48 am back but I'm still currently brushing my teeth.

It was hearts that made me focus on signs more. When I see one it means it is going to be a good day, or everything is ok. 

10:58 am back again nice and refreshed. This Bob's burger is talking about the tooth fairy. It's just one of those things that my family (I'll say as Christian) didn't believe in like Santa clause. He was just God in disguise.

Anyway, it got me thinking about a thing that was popular that I wasn't into you Egg and shoulder (well, that's wrong) soldiers. The egg was raw which is what made me stay away from it. I need my egg to be cooked through. Now it might be because I never had it growing up. I definitely haven't had it since then. I will at some point, so I can distinctly say that I don't like my eggs runny.

25 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #175

 I woke at 9:30 ish, freezing cold. Went to the kitchen with my dentures and changed the water. Put the kettle on and washed the plates in the sink. I went a little different with teas today. I took my charger for my Apple keyboard and went back to my room.

10:13 am a cup of hot chocolate (because I'm still cold) in front of me. I have a heal while you sleep and wake up happy Youtube video playing. Which I played during the night

My Pet peeves are ever-growing. I am glad I didn't have to deal with one today this morning like usual. I don't know if it's the same for everyone but pet peeves are always things that make my life more difficult/ more complicated than it needs to be (probably). What is different for me is I could list pet peeves and you would probably say well that's more than that clearly...for (see me trying not to write but again) me they're all on the same level.

Last night I read (possibly watched) something that said you get dreams of the future and now I'm thinking about all the dreams about the future I had. I'm gonna have to make a list at some point.  

Damn it, I'm so cold.

I don't like sleeping with the heater on for 2 reasons if it's too hot I can't sleep and it feels like a waste if it's on when everyone is asleep.  But my mood changes when I wake up cold...ah dilemma.

17 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

Morning page #174 marriage material

 I woke at 8:29 am, went to the toilet and then the kitchen. I am very cold tells me I'll need to layer up when I go for my appointment at 2:30 pm, also, it's raining 

Should I write a morning page now or after sleep again? 

8: 48 am a cup of Matcha Twinnings tea in front of me. Family Guy season 19 episode 15 customer of the week on Mac. A favourite episode of mine but then most of them are I was going to wash the plates because it's what I usually do to ease my mind and have something to tick off my to-do list and I will end up doing it later. 

Tea check: still hot.

After turning the heater on I grabbed myself a banana. Then I filled in my brain and sleep books. 

This morning I'm feeling frustrated (from past experiences that's when things change) My mental abusive relationship changed when I stood up for myself and said

 

'No, you don't treat people like that,'

out loud

Tea check: Still hot 

My frustration today is for doing things to please others. What will happen @ my appointment today.

Her: Esther you want to come over. 

After I sit down and after I take a few breaths 

Her: How's the work search going ( actually it's restart coach so she will probably say how are you? but I've started so I'll finish) 

Tea check: less hot, I'll hold it in my hand less hot enough to sip.  

I don't know if universal credit training tells them to find out how the job search is going or to actually say the words 

How's the job search going?

Take an educated guess mate. I'm sitting in front of you (feeling deja vu so I'm pretty sure I've written it before) I think if you were to put a good chunk of money on not well without asking that question you'd be very rich. 

Last night I wrote...I want to say letter 34 of the love letters I've written since 2015. I always had one person in mind when I started these. Love of my life, first love, first crush that turned into love. The only other I've ever considered marriage material.

32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #173

 I woke up at 9:48 am and went to the toilet. Then went to the kitchen and washed plates. I decided to make a milkshake. I still have cookies left over from my millies cookies order. And my sister and mum are going to church.  I've decided going forward I need to step away from having to explain what and why I'm doing to people. 

10:51 am glass of milkshake, chocolate in front of me. the positive, hopeful message that begins DM to DF. There's a mosketo (ooh how do you spell that word) mosquito loose in the house I keep getting bitten in my sleep.

I remembered my dream today. It was about lessons learnt and protection.

Two girls came to my door. One girl was like 

'Oh my God is that...(something fashion) she was talking about the blouse I drew. I just drew any old thing but I saw a picture and it was identical.

This tells me what I create, whatever I create people will love or more accurately the people who love it will come.

Then my brother came and slept by my door because he didn't trust those girls. 

mmm, that shake is delicious.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #172

Woke up at 9:23 am, Bathed and changed the water in my hot water bottle. Also, grabbed a cup of tea.

09: 58 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me, Tarot reading card on Mac (damn I need to change my pen)

I brought some chocolate the other day it arrived this morning without breakfast. It's one of those battles with myself or is it habits I think more accurately something learnt that I'm trying to unlearn. Which is to go by what is expected...Uh, I don't know how to say it really. Traditionally it is not advised (by the world) to eat chocolate for breakfast, but like I said trying to unlearn that. Thinking and focusing on what I want only. 

Last night I saw that Grey's anatomy's previous season or is it the current season (not sure if the latest season has started yet) Season 18 has been added to disney+. All I need now is for Law and order: SVU to be added. I haven't watched a new episode in  ...I'm going to say a year. In fact, that's what I am manifesting. The reason it hasn't yet probably has something to do with the channel it air's in America. If not disney+ then definitely Netflix.

26 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #171

 11:06 after sleeping a second time and remembering a dream from the first sleep. Went to the toilet and then went to the kitchen to make some tea. Mum was in there making food, I'll enjoy that later. Filled in my brain and sleep book.

11:33 am a cup of Twinnings Lemon and Ginger in front of me. It was Family Guy on Mac now it's Mickey mouse because my niece is with me. 

I am right now planning for the future (I mean right now as in 2022) not only for what type of job but also for the things (or more accurately people person) I don't want anywhere near me in the future. Can only build my support system based on energy. nowadays. Every time I see this person I feel angry and the sentence 'go away,' is always in my head.  When they come to the door. I don't have a choice but to see her today (again 20022) because I share a house and my mum doesn't know how to say no. I definitely get it from her. She is just someone who likes to help people. Something else I get from her.

My niece loves putting things in her mouth. She'll grow out of that I'm sure. I would like an investigation about why she babies do that.

Remembering the Stewie Griffin quote

'I feel safe around something if I can put it in my mouth (or something close to that) he was talking about a Queen's news of the world album. 

Maybe it has already been done. You know I'll be Googling that after this (If I remember...in fact)  

Ah, the key to the developmental stage, more you know. So her putting things in her mouth is a good thing I was beginning to think it was a problem. She is actually trying to discover the taste and texture of different objects

33 minutes, see you when  I see you.

Morning Page #170

 Woke at 9:49 am and I did a number 1 (trying to find ways to say I went to pee without saying those words) Only because I want to be creative not for anything else. 

9: 56 am remembered to fill in my brain and sleep book so I'm pausing this to do that. 

10: 02 am I think I should see if my sleeping pattern has changed in almost a year. A cup of green tea in front of me, Family Guy season 16 on Mac. Yesterday I binged She-Hulk which is still currently airing, it's hilarious and a bucket of things I love about shows 'team effort,' and Maggie is great but I'm not sure about it was funny though a bit slow. It probably will get a season 2 I'm just not sure I want it to. 

That's why you shouldn't make what you think to be set in stone (when it comes to tea and food anyway) to not put sugar or any other sweetener in all teas I thought I would also take all green teas out of my rotation but 4 years later.

Tea check: Still hot

Family Guy Season 16 Episode 20 You there God it's me Peter now playing. I don't get offended by an interpretation of God/Jesus. If it's funny I don't care. I enjoy the creativity more than I see it as a personal attack.

Tea check: ahhh

Fuddruckers mentioned in this episode made me wonder if that restaurant existed and that's how I ended up on Google finding out the answer (Yes btw) 

24 (but technically 32) minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #169

 I woke up at 9:47 am. Last month was a good month in terms of morning pages I think I wrote more most days. Estimated more than the first...say 6 months (I'm not going to check that though)

I thought to myself I want to start this month with a morning page and try to write every day this month. After doing my not-morning routine of doing a number 1. I went back to sleep. As well as when I'm done I stop writing. I also don't force myself to think of a subject to write about. I woke again at 10:58 am. Washed the plates in the sink. Whilst in the kitchen I was listening to a tarot titled starseeds, where are you from? 

See the truth, but ignore it because you are emotionally involved. Yea, I remember having a conversation about a certain someone's behaviour and it was excuse after excuse. I, though I never said it out loud was thinking to myself.

I do not accept that, it was saying just is, pure evil. I was thinking no there has got to be a reason but I had to accept the truth eventually

11:28 am cup of Moringa tea in front of me, tarot on Mac.

I talked in a previous morning page about UC working for me. I just now realised it's deeper than that the universe is also working for me. In terms of not working against me. 

I use to see my life as can't be wrong, If I wanted something like

Waking up before 12 for a morning page I would hope and wish then beat myself up and be disappointed that I woke after 12 now I realise that the universe didn't even need to hear me say that out loud before they got to work.

'Ok noted we got you,'

Let me take this opportunity to say thank you for never letting me down and always having my back

Tea check: still hot

9 minutes technically 13 minutes, see you when I see you

God's timing #5 My own pace

 I was upset and I didn't keep it in this time.

Because I know that if I didn't it would happen again.

I am so glad I did but this is not me saying I want to try therapy for a few reasons.

Number 1 is the money, the money is a huge factor. I can't afford it. And I don't just mean actually afford it. I know that sitting in that doctor's office the potentially 300+ a session will be flashing and I'd feel like I need to push myself out of my comfort zone before I am ready. I've learnt that going at my own pace is essential to healing.

Morning page #168

 Woke up at 8:47 am today and made a Masala tea. I wasn't going to write a morning page but, let life happen.

11:48 Family Guy season 15 on the Mac

Brutally honestly I am strict about the people I spend my time with. Aura and energy is big factor nowadays. Been dismissed a lot a treated like shit by people who think I'm not. I will not allow your bad energy to destroy my positive one. People who come to the house only when they want something have no place anywhere near me.

I have an appointment today @ 2:30 after rescheduling it from 27th because I had no money to get there (I think I mentioned that before). 

My way to deal with anxiety is to focus on the things I can control. Every appointment I know these things. 

1. I can't be late
2. The appointment will take 15 minutes max
3. When I get there I will be asked my name or what time my appointment is sometimes both (actually always both nowadays...no it was who is your appointment with)

I also say over and over to myself in and out, in and out,' I don't spend too much time on the things that are temporary. After 15 minutes I'll be done and on my way home . 2 hours max back lying down on my bed.

19 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #167

 Woke at ... I think 8:55 am 

God said 'No, it was 8:50 am,'

Me: That doesn't sound right 

 

Still, I wrote 8:50 in my brain book actually it was my sleep book. No, it was definitely closer to 8:55 so I cross it out.

God said 'Yes, I don't want you to follow another blindly, your life is what you make of it,'

9: 47 am a cup of Twinnings focus tea in front of me. Audiobook on Youtube on the Mac. Currently Agatha Christie's Murder on the Orient Express. My go-to audiobook it never disappoints.

Been remembering bits of my dream (That reminds me I need to write that in my sleep brain book). I usually write S {sleep} D {dream} but can't remember if that is the case. A class of kids

I just found out Coolio died, wow and he was 59. Now the song Gangsters paradise is in my head. 

I'm also playing Game of words while writing this.

My phone did charge last night but not fast enough for my liking.

To my own rules, I should stop writing because I'm trying to think of what to write. 

Tea check...still hot

Just moved on to level 980 on game of words

Ok, that's it 

18 minutes later, see you when I see you

Morning page #166

 I woke at ...I'm not sure ...9:40 something maybe 9:50 something. I went to the toilet (number 1). Still maintain that it's not a morning routine. It's not a choice. Was going to say/ write I don't do it every morning but it's the same for the actual morning routine. 

God save the Queen is in my head.

Will they change the Queen in that song to King now?

No the song is the song.

Maybe they will change the song. I'm not sure about that one. Now I'm thinking about all the things that will change starting with the money. 

10:07 am a cup of detox tea (Twinnings) in front of me. Family Guy season 13 on the Mac. 

I'm trying to get out of the habit of thinking of what I say/ what I do as wrong full stop. Yesterday there was food, chips and some vegetables in a pot. Because everyone was asleep I couldn't ask the question is that for me? There was only enough for one person (the chips anyway)

My choices 

To leave it 

Just because there was BBQ sauce on the table. Maybe it was my sister that ate that.

Why would my mum wait, My mum still may not have had her share. If that is the case I can always just make more. I don't know so if I'm wrong it's not like I did it on purpose.

To take it

For the reasons above. I'm hungry and I don't think my mum will be as mad as my brain is trying to tell me. 

I did take it with some rice which was a little lot spicy. The thing with spice is I can't take it up scotch bonnets chillies and like not even there drop of hot sauce. Because I grew up in an African home I'm used to that level. Anything hotter I would struggle. I hate it when the spice makes me cough. That's the point to enjoy the food.  

Today I found out my decision was right after a bit of what I thought was 

You took the chips I was going to eat,

Mum was looking for it to give to me. Like I said thinking that I am wrong first. Also, there was something in the oven. I will not go down the road of beating myself up about that and it's something to eat this morning.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #165 Realistic about my skills.

 I woke at 8:17 am for a job centre/ UC appointment at 9 am. I went to sleep after 6 am so yea, thank you, God.

At 8:31 I tried to order a Bolt

insufficient funds,

Uh-oh, what I do now?

I'll just order a bolt on my mum's phone.

00.21p

Oops, I am going to be late. At 8:55 I had to admit defeat and reschedule the appointment.

This morning page is titled

Realistic about my skills.

If this was 3 years ago I would have worried for 2 hours that I was going to get sanctioned.

10:04 am a cup of (I need to stop calling it fart) Moringa tea in front of me. Family Guy season 11 on Mac. I think disney+ is one of those things I was unsure about but I'm glad I didn't listen to the negative (I mean do I really need another streaming service) Like whenever I start a drawing and think this is not going the way I planned or it looks nothing like the picture. 

That's how I learnt about drawing with your right brain and drawing with your left brain (but that's for another morning page) Or my future husband's true feelings about me. I literary never stopped thinking about those. 

Oh my God, I went off the subject. That's part of the reason I don't like listening to podcasts. Because it never fails to...(damn, what's the word)...off the subject.

Anyway I digress

No.1 I can not push myself beyond what I can do. It was 8: 55 am that's 5 minutes to get to my appointment even if I walked it I would get there an hour later max, I would definitely be late. The only person that could make it would be Superman.

No.2 I am not working for Universal Credit. In a way, Universal Credit is working for me. It's there to help me to make my life a little better. And that's where the reality of my skills comes in.

Telling myself to do better when I am already giving 100% is a level of perfectionism no one on earth can achieve.

17 minutes, see you when I see you.

God's timing #4

Start Tick comic book.

I don't want you to google comic books just do it how you would do it. Even if you just draw the title.

God's timing #3

 Type mansion walkthrough's on YouTube then add the first 3 to your watch later list. The one of those three that you like best I will give to you.

Morning page #164

 10: 59 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I decided to make breakfast. Youtube watch later list on Mac. I was watching some mansion walkthrough I'm watching tarot card reading. 

Still on the theme of being ok not knowing the reason. I think I know now why things didn't happen sooner for me. It's because I needed to figure out what I wanted but most importantly what I needed. I feel like now it's been drilled into me the things I will not be taking with me in the next chapter of my life. 

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I woke up cold. I hate the cold it changes my mood.

I hate the cold, warmed up now though. I had to pause this to pee. Then I decided to do some cleaning in the kitchen. Now back and I had an itch on my left hand between the thumb and finger, just between the L shape (it's gone now) but it turned red, it's a little bit still itching. 

Currently, Elton John's Rocketman is stuck in my head.

Oh...uh...I am going to say 45 minutes if you take away the time spent in the kitchen (I didn't actually pause it)

see you when I see you.

God's timing #2

 Make art using stickers

Morning page #163

 7:01 a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I haven't been to bed yet, I will after this though. Because I'm tired not because of that fact. I was thinking the other day about what...um...how do I explain my thought process...um...what am I trying to say.

Basically, I am an everything happens for a reason person and because I'm only one person I can't know everything 

(oh I wrote about this in the last one but I'll continue anyway) Sometimes just knowing the fact that there is a reason is enough but sometimes it's not and it is very frustrating and doesn't make sense.  Like, take your left and your right. The way I knew which is which is to look at the shape of my thumb and index finger ( or is it forefinger) before that I would struggle. If someone was to use that to figure out which is which and still make the conclusion that the left side ( I could have said got it wrong but hey ho) was the right side and the right side was the left. Most people would be like 

'Oh, they don't realise they're wrong.'

I would be like well that's wrong clearly that's wrong. Does the person know that or not? I don't know which is which and that's ok. Other times I would be so confused and think to myself and do the look at my fingers over and over. Like someone is making a joke on my behalf and I've missed something and now I am frustrated.

Now watching cats countdown

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

God's timeline #1

 Write down your life as you want it a year from now. Not how you think it would be. Write it how you dream it as if it is happening today. 

23rd September 2023 {1 year}

5 am I wake, reach over to my dressing table and pull out my dream diary. I write down the 3 dreams I had during the night. I wake again 3 hours later and go to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. I sit at the living room table with my journals including sometimes a Morning page notebook. And end by drawing in my sketch-a-day and my doddle-a-day

. In the middle of my writing, my boyfriend wakes kisses me on the cheek and asks if I want breakfast. Yes, I say I was just about to make something. He turns to the cooker briefly then turns back to me.

'Actually, do you want to go out for breakfast, it's such a lovely day,'

'Sure,'

Jobcentre what, Universal credit who?. I haven't been to a job centre in months. This means the only person I answer to is myself. I don't have to worry that I'm not doing enough job searching or that they will put me on a course that I don't need. I have learnt to love and accept myself fully. I care less about what other people think of me. I have an autism diagnosis.

I spend my spear time writing and baking

23rd September 2042 20 years

I'm currently in my place. 7 bedrooms, a cinema, a pool, 2 ensuites, a kitchen with walk-in store room, living room, a garden and a library with a fully stocked bookshelf. I wake whatever time I want in my big bed with my husband of 10 years. He's a writer just like me and never fails to make me laugh. We write together and separately. The latest sold 1 million copies altogether. two minutes later my eldest daughter burst into the door followed by her twin. Hannah and Hope turned 9 2 months ago. They may be twins but they are so different. Hope reminds me of myself. My next daughter Heaven turned 7 in January. Henri was a surprise we weren't even trying 5 years ago. I thought Hayden would be the last until Hezekiah came along just 10 months ago. My life is jam-packed. If I'm not here I'm travelling the world doing book signings and giving speeches. I set up this project I call FUN where kids can come to just be themselves. A different room for different things dances, draw sit and watch etc..etc. Weekly dinners and afternoon teas

 

Morning Page #162

 I haven't been to bed for no particular reason. I was hungry and made a plate of pasta. 

I need to do things for myself and more because I want to and not don't do it not because I think I shouldn't. I will do what I want more times than I won't.

11:29 am a cup of Peppermint tea in front of me. Found out 9-1-1 seasons 4 and 5 are now on disney+. It drives home the patience that was drilled into me, the lesson has been learnt. From now on I am going to wait and choose patience. 

I decided to film a morning routine for my new YouTube channel. The latest chapter of God's timeline is a motivational jar with 365 quotes for next year. 

I right now working on manifesting my dream life. Speaking of my dreams are back. 3 dreams yesterday including one about...my crush. 

Whenever I think about manifesting I also think about that FRIENDS episode when Ross and Racheal broke up and Joey was like 

'Put Olives on the pizza, put olives on the pizza,'

The fact is there is a lot I don't know. I don't know why people act the way they do, what happened before I saw them, what was their reason.

I've talked about my HSP before. And I'm an everything happens for a reason girl. Sometimes it's easy to just let it go. If I met someone angry or rude I know it's probably not about me. Like... the reason I'm still single (missed opportunities). Sometimes knowing the reason would be petty helpful and make my life easier. Like why I'm still single (missed opportunities)

1hr 27 minutes, see you when I see you.

Moring page #161

 Woke at 10: 31, wee in the toilet. After I went to the kitchen for my cup of tea. 

11:04 am cup of mango and pineapple.

11: 56 am I kept falling asleep and now my tea is cold.

12:29 am mum just brought a plate of rice to my room, thank you very much. I was wondering what would I eat for breakfast. The fridge is practically empty and I didn't feel like cooking eggs. Still watching cats countdown. No, I am not watching the Queen's funeral. I was surprised, not shocked (I mean the woman was 96 years old) and now I'm over it. It's always sad when someone dies but the Queen's death doesn't affect me (not emotional anyway, yet to see how it affects me the other way). Unlike well-known deaths like Whitney Houston, and even Robin Williams I'm still not over that one.

I'm so tired

Should I write more I really want to but I'm so tired?

I'm thinking about my future love life and everything that comes with it.  Following God's timeline more and enjoying life. instead of worrying about it. 

My to-do list

Journal: that includes my diary.

I think I will write in all of them today, start with gratitude, the Prayer book for women, 

Draw: Sketch and Doodle, I've been using a pen to draw these last few days.

Actually I just now decided I'm going to write another love letter. I think this is the 32 or was it 33.

26 (but technically 1 hr 51) minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #160

 Woke at...I'm not sure, actually, it was 8: 27 when I came back from the bathroom (number 1) and put some tea in a cup to brew. I also had an orange. 

8: 56 am, I felt like having black tea. It's always my gift to myself when I go anywhere, the teas. It's Earl Grey. I haven't had that in years. 

Zack Morris is trash according to the Youtube video I'm watching right now. If you know where that character is from you and I are instantly friends. 

What a great two days, pretty sure I wrote about the women's conference yesterday. Today's teaching was about time management. What I took from it is a better way to manage my time. 24 hours (well 24 minus 8 hours give or take) in the day yet I still feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything I want to do done. I have been very aware of things that waste my time for a few years. It started with the pointless courses (or more accurately {because no course is pointless I don't believe} course I'm put on when I haven't been on one for a few months)

My measurement of things that are wasting my time is whether it will be useful to me in 5 years. Will I need/be thinking about it in 5 years? 

Here's what is happening in my life today.

A word that springs to mind is acceptance. Acceptance about who I am 100%. I am right now in a stage of a changed mindset which has helped me to let go of stress and relax about the worries that have been in my life in the past. I have given myself over to God almost completely by letting things happen. The latest is to post a tarot card reading. Which I will do today. In the past, I would be worrying about the lighting or the fact the sound probably won't be great. 

The reason I say almost completely is I am still worried about not being able to do what God wants me to do straight away. Like when God told me to write a prayer request but it meant me getting up and asking someone, I couldn't. I feel guilty but I shouldn't because God knows exactly how I will react. He makes things happen, he made the church pray for all the single women. That's letting life happen.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #159 God's timing

 I woke at 4:47 am in Lether head, and went to the toilet. 

5: 18 am a cup of Peppermint tea in front of me. I just remembered there's always a kettle in the room. Currently watching Youtube watch later list, Tony Baker on laugh factor to be exact.

My mum and I travelled to letterhead for this year's women of wisdom international conference. The last time I came was in 2019.

My newest thing/ affirmation is to trust God's timeline. I think I wrote this not in the last one the one before. 

Should I check?...no I've started so I'll finish.

I had two appointments at the beginning of the week and my period started after the first one. 2nd one got cancelled, grateful for that. Then my mum invited me to the women of wisdom conference on Wednesday, taking place on Friday and Saturday. This would make it the 5th and 6th day of my period. If I was in charge I would have put my period after those two appointments, which would make it the 3rd and 4th days of my period. I know I 100% wouldn't have wanted to go and therefore said no if that was the case. I would have missed this wonderful teaching about your impact on the world no matter another person's opinions or thoughts.  I think it ties into God's timing, what is meant for me will be for me lesson. 

These morning pages are about honesty so I will say God told me you will meet the man you are going to marry this year the year was 2006. I had just been through depression a month before. Since then that has been my number one goal and the six kids. Things have come to make me disbelieve this, like my overthinking and overanalysing because of the evidence presented I see. 

ah this is brave to write in a blog post (no one is reading these anyway)

I know he feels the same way and I am waiting for him to contact me.  I can't contact him, because of reasons.

It's 5:55 oops I think it's time to stop. 

37 minutes (I thought it was longer) see you when I see you.

Morning Page #158 God's timeline

 11:02 am mum woke me to say she was going out, At least I can write this morning page. Washed the plates in the sink, and wrote down my dream (which btw has been a lot since I'm on my period) filled in my sleep diary and what I did notebook.

11:36 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. Now watching Youtube watch later list. Currently, Auggie Smith standup, I love standup.

You know what's frustrating is when people say things that have more than one option and expect you to know which one they mean. Like if I said 

'I read 3 books this month,' or

'I'll read 5 more books next month,'

You'd know which is which because of the other words in the  sentences and the tone of the word read but if I took those two factors out you'd probably have to guess which one is which or if you were like me say

'Why are you saying the same word twice, I don't understand,'

Auggie's funny I like him and what an unusual name. 

I am only working from God's timeline from now on, from today. See what happened is, I had two appointments this week and my period started on Monday but only after the appointment was over. Then the second appointment on the second day (which would be the second day of my appointment in case you're not following {I think I meant to write period, but I'm gonna leave it}) My appointment got (is it cancelled or rescheduled...technically both) I love that for me.  I was wondering why my period started at the beginning of the week and not after the two appointments. Because it's never a 28-day cycle, my period is unpredictable. Yesterday my mum invited me to a retreat and I was like

'Oh, that's why,'

God knew that I 100% wouldn't want to go if it happened on my timeline. Which would make those retreat days the 3rd and 4th day of my period. Also maybe I wouldn't have wanted to come still if I wasn't open to something about to happen, all this is for a reason, wonderful.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: No one else in the house and just as I was about to go back to sleep my niece woke up. Seconds later my sister came. So yea God's timeline.

 

Morning page #157

 10: 35 am no tea because I don't want to get up, Cats countdown on the mac. That show went from 8 out of 10 cats does countdown to cats does countdown, now I just write cats countdown. 

I think I've reached a turning point in my manifesting. I had an appointment today at 3: 30. I really didn't want to go because of reasons (time of the month) you'll notice I said had. It was rescheduled for another day, let life happen mate. 

Before this, I was thinking about stand-up comedians. I thought that the 2 things that make a good comedian are 

stage presence and good jokes. The thing I realised recently is you can have all that but if you sound like mickey mouse I will not be coming back. 

I realised also that my dreams whether big or small are always in the impossible stage before they become possible. If you wake up at 2 am and think to yourself 'I want some ice cream,' You could in the next moment say to yourself 'shops won't be open at this time,' Or you can look online and find someone to deliver to you. You could be sitting in your kitchen an hour later with your dream ice cream. The only thing that made your dream a reality was your belief in it. That's half the battle.  

27 minutes, see you when I see you.