Morning Pages #37

9:22am, 

I’m writing this before my customer service class. Back on Go Train again.

I’m taking all the positives out of the situation. I’ve decided to apply for a writing apprenticeship. I never thought about it until yesterday, just need to write a writer CV. I read about the description on the national careers service website and I think it would be a good fit for me. I need to send that application today.

7 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #36

8:05am, I’m leaving for this course in 10 minutes. That’s why I don’t have a hot drink or food besides me. It's the worst thing when your seconds away from leaving the house and you need to go. Do you hold it and go when you get there or be late?

I hate this, I hate this very much. The only thing I like about this is it’s very close to me. That’s a lie I did enjoy the course. It was just sooooooo long. 4 weeks that could have taken 2 minimum. I’m hoping that I don’t have to start the course all over again since I didn’t finish it. I couldn’t sleep last night because of this. Once this day is over, I will be less stressed and less negative about it. I just need to get through today. If I remember it correctly all I need to do today is fill in forms.

12 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #35

10:54am, I thought it would be at least 1pm. Tea in the pot, the hilarious Kevin Hart on Netflix. I felt like having some croissants today.

Doing this Morning pages thing has been very therapeutic for me. I moved on to a second notebook.

Still thinking about this course, I have to go to on Monday. Whenever I get in unnecessary worry mode all I can do is try to ignore it. I tell myself

‘Everything happens for a reason,’

‘Everything will be fine,’

My favourite thing to do when I’m alone in the house is turn off all the lights. It just makes me happier, the house seams…warmer somehow. I don’t know a scientist can probably explain why. Actually, a scientist would probably say it’s all in your head.

Maybe I mean a therapist.

26 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #34 Can't see past your own nose.

9:03am, friends’ season 3 on Netflix. 

The episode where Mark asks Rachel out (I use to like Mark up until that point) I can’t really blame him. Just like I can’t blame interviews for believing that I can’t do the job that I won’t work my hardest. All they see is this shy, timid person.

Some people can’t see past their nose. Mark didn’t know that Ross and Rachel were soulmates or that Rachel was still in love with Ross. All he saw was this girl who he had a big crush on that was now available.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #33

10: 41am, no drink, because I’m hot, so much so that I woke up sweating. It’s more to do with the fact that I slept with the heater on and not because I’m having hot flushes.

Random person: You’re too young for that,

Me: Thank you, thank you very much.

Friends on Netflix, I’ve only binged watched Friends one other time this year that’s how I never get sick of friends, I saver it, I don’t watch it 24/7, 365 times a year. I’m thinking about the course my work coach put me on Monday, worrying about it actually and I will not stop until I go on it. It’s the same course I went on in September of last year, I’m really happy about that.

Even though I didn’t finish it I can 100% tell you that’s not the reason my work coach put me on it. I did enjoy the time I was there; I’m hanging on to that.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #32 Jobcentre...again

12:09, I slept well, hence the reason it’s 12 in the morning. Just Family Guy on my DVD player.

There is so much I want to say about the jobcentre but I’m holding back because I feel like if anyone to do with the jobcentre saw it would be bad for me. Just like when I was in a job I hated. I didn’t mention anything to anyone, not even my manager. Trust I will be pouring it out in the form of a blog or a video, (probably a video) when I leave that place.

I still need to add subtitles to my videos old and new.  I need to add subtitles to the video going up today.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #31 Misunderstood

11:58am, cereal in front (well besides me). I haven’t had cereal in at least a month, it’s not because we don’t have milk. I’m writing this in my living room, it’s the first time I wrote morning pages on a table (albeit coffee table but, a table none the less) note to self: I need to buy a table for my room. I don’t know why I’m writing that; I’m not going to read this again after I type it out. Watching Abz 25 boybands of the 90s on Sky. Remember five, I would say they were my top 10 favourite boybands of all time.

My biggest fear, apart form Height, Rats, rejection and some dogs (not all) is being misunderstood. It only happens with people who have just met me, that I’ve known for less than a year. Hence the reason I hate talking to people on the phone or going to interviews. My friends and family know me, which can I just say I am so grateful for. The feeling of being in a room and not having to explain myself.   

‘No, no, no it’s not that I don’t want to be here, it just that I’m really nervous and anxious and…blah, blah, blah,’

I think it’s because I have a calming presence, people assume I don’t care. I am guessing because no one has ever said this to me. Which is dumb in my opinion, if I’m not talking, I’m thinking, duh.

It might have something to do with the fact that most of my friends are like me in some way, not all, some of my friends are the opposite of me (Introvert vs. Extrovert, you know). Even so, we all get nervous before we go on stage, metaphorically (or not in some cases) that’s something we have in common but, there’s a fine line between nervous and anxious.

33 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #30 unnecessary worry

9: 10am, yes, I did make this pot of tea so that I can write here. Family guy on my DVD player.

People always use the word shy to describe me, which is an accurate description. Also an accurate description,

‘You worry too much,’

I know this, my heart knows this. Believe me, if I could take a pill that could get rid of or at least lower the feeling of worry in me I would take it.

Take my appointment with the jobcentre, I have one every two weeks. It starts around the same time every time. My heart beats faster and everything that could go wrong jumps into my head. I know it won’t because the last time I went it was fine. Even when I am sitting on the bus with 5 minutes to go.

‘I’m gonna be late, I know I’m going to be late,’

I think about something extreme, like my work coach killing me for being (never more than 30 minutes, FYI) late.

Worry just doesn’t have short term memory, well it does but it doesn’t care.

 18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #29

10:24am, made some soup and bread, the soup I made days ago. Family guy season 17 on my phone, my DVD collection only goes up to 16.

I think I will be very sad when I hear this show is ending. I would have said if, but Supernatural is ending in its next season so anything is possible.

I have an appointment at the jobcentre tomorrow, not gonna lie I’m not looking forward to it (does anyone). It’s just something you do because you have to right now, like staying in a job you hate, because you have to eat and pay bills.

19 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #28 Hot chocolate part 2

10:47am, Hot chocolate in my teapot, family guy on my DVD player.

I was going to make some soup and bread, but I forgot (Oh well there’s always tomorrow) I made myself some chips and nuggets instead, I’m not even that hungry.

Making process with my book.

I’m almost 85% sure I’m going to do this big project I said I was going to do next year, still not saying it though, I’ll tell you more about it closer to the time.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #27 YouTube subtitles

12: 06 in the morning, man I’m so tired. What I’ve noticed is if I’m so tired (or feeling lazy, but let’s just stick with tired) I don’t bother making myself a hot drink because I know I will have to wake up and use the toilet in an hour.

The teabag trick I used my eyes yesterday didn’t work, well it did just not the way I wanted it to. My eyes have stopped itching, though they are still producing extra sleep.

I need to add subtitles to all my videos, a lot of them are old, but there are two recent videos I need to add subtitles to. I heard a YouTuber complaining about subtitles recently, I’ve unsubscribed from him (not really, definitely thought about it)

Yes, subtitles are a pain to do and a little bit of an inconvenience, but you will be making your videos a lot more accessible to a lot more people. I feel like complaining about subtitles is a bit like complaining about having to edit your videos or actually upload them.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #26 YouTube

7: 21am, for the first time since I started this Morning pages, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. There is so much stuff I (technically want) to do. Because most of this stuff I don’t have to do, no one is waiting on it, the only person that will care if I don’t do it is me.

Top of my list is to film some videos for YouTube. One of my new years resolutions this year was to make at least one video a week, I’m good, I have done that so far, but I don’t have a video for this week and tomorrow is Saturday. I’m still cool I haven’t run out of video ideas…yet. I just need to stop procrastinating about filming.

11 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #25 In My Shoes

8:57am, listening to Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen on my computer, just finished my pot of tea. 

Again, I didn’t get to sleep. I’m writing this now because I’m going to sleep after I write this.

Finally got around to writing something for my novel ‘In my shoes,’ I wrote a lot. It’s really beginning to take shape.

OK, so that wasn’t very long, I think this is the shortest I’ve written so far. I’m very very tired.

6 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #24 Poetry 2

12:10 in the morning, no nothing day number 7, I think, I’m not going to go back and check in fact I will probably forget about it after I finish typing it up.

I kept waking up and going back to sleep because…I wouldn’t say I didn’t have anything to say.

The eye gunk thing is back, it hasn’t been back since I mentioned it last, but my eye has been itchy. I should talk to my doctor; I’m telling you right now I probably won’t be doing that. It doesn’t hurt if it gets any worse I will, it’s usually gone in 3 days.

Still thinking about the poetry project, I mentioned yesterday. I think I’ll keep it to myself until I’m a little surer of whether I’m doing it or not. It involves writing a poem every day for more than a month. If you were smart enough you could probably guess where I’m going with this.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #23 Poetry

8: 29am, Family guy season 9 on my DVD player, a pot of tea in front of me. I’ve been using the teapot for one set I brought on Amazon these past few days, they have little hearts on them. It’s very cute plus it makes me nostalgic for the 90s.

It’s the episode where Brain and Stewie get locked in a bank (FYI dogs are disgusting). Generally, I believe everything I’m told on TV until I find out its not true #Google.

Escapril was describe a smell yesterday, today it’s any dreams. Doing this has made me believe I can conquer the world poetry-wise (and a little bit otherwise).

I’m thinking about doing a big project next year to do with writing poetry. Maybe I’ll tell you about tomorrow.

18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages 22# audiobooks

It’s a no nothing day again, listening to audiobook Visualfestation by Peter Adams playing on my computer.

Audiobooks are a lifesaver, I’m not a very fast reader so audiobooks help to read more. Before I discovered audiobooks, I read a book a year, if that. If you say audiobooks is not real reading I think you're wrong. Before this, I was listening to ‘you are a badass: How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life’ by Jen Sincero. I loved it; I’m definitely going to check out the rest of the series.

11:04am, I woke up at 6 something and went back to sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up expecting a lot of time to have passed, and it’s been only 30 minutes.

Our fresh fruit and veg from Able and Cole came today with no potato, why no potato.

9 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #21

10: 26am, no hot drink today, no anything today.

Finally getting around to watching the Haunted of Hill House, I love it. Currently on episode 7.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I hardly ever get nightmares. Us is the first movie to give me nightmares since Gremlins 2, I’m not even joking. That’s 29 years ago, I was…well I’m 34 now, do the maths.

13: 26pm, Damn I fell asleep. I hate it when I’m watching something and I’m also tired, so I just keep falling asleep before the episode ends. (Is it just me). The Haunting on hill house episode 7 is on. This is the 10^th time I’ve played it.

Technically 3 hours, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #20 Not a clue

9: 26am, no hot drink just Family Guy on my DVD player.

I really need to write something/ anything for my book, it’s 38, 608 words now. I’m not concentrating on getting it to 50.000 part of it just getting it completed.

Escapril day 13 is Celestial bodies???????

This is gonna be a hard one, I’m stuck. I usually know as soon as I see the prompt where my poem is heading, even without reading the description below it. Not a clue what I’m going to write for this one. It’s the first time I had to do a Google search, even after that I’m still none the wiser. My prediction is I don't like this poem, but I will be posting something today, wish me luck.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #19 Have you put on weight?

7: 27am, Cup of hot water in front of me. I haven’t been to bed yet, but it’s 7am so I’m doing this now.

Note to friend: Let me start this by saying I know this statement is not said maliciously (Hence the reason I said note to a friend) at least not when it’s said to me. I know you mean well, even if this statement is true. 

Don’t ever say

‘You…have…put…on…weight,’

When you say that I’m not thinking…

’Huh, I guess you’re right,’

I’m thinking.

‘What did I do to deserve this…I mean is that supposed to be a compliment?’

That’s an insult to me. Know your audience, you know what I am saying. If I was smaller, I’m not saying I’m fat, just if I was skinny. In whatever I go through in life whether I balloon up or shrink down, the only time…

‘You have put on weight,’

Is acceptable is if you know 100% that I’m trying to gain weight (which would be never)

So now you know.

1 hour 20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #18

10:29 am, a cup of tea in front of me, comedians of the world playing on my computer.

Just got my 60^th subscriber on YouTube. Not a big deal for the 100 or more club. Though it probably was when the big YouTubers got to 60 subscribers they probably celebrated it when it happened in some small way. I’m talking about when you start at 0 not when you buy subscribers (I don’t even know how that works, who are these people) not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with that, you do you.

23 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #17 Jobcenter

10:14am, My phone is working again, yay. I was not hopeful the rice trick would work but I’m glad I was wrong.

I’m discovering new comedians with Netflix, also discovering old comedians I liked but don’t like anymore. I won’t mention a name but let’s just say he’s a famous black comedian and sometimes actor. Currently watching Ali Wong. I was told yesterday by my work coach that I do not job searching enough, she’s not wrong. On the positive side, she did say that I was the only one who was actually doing a job search so there’s that. 

She didn’t say I might get sanctioned, just that I need to do more.

38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #16 Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????????????????

8:04am, time of the month related stomach-ache I hate you very much. 

My phone hasn’t been working since I dropped it in some water yesterday. I’m gonna try putting it in rice for 48 hours. If that doesn’t work…hey, I guess I’m due for an upgrade. Been binge watching a few stand up shows on Netflix, Trevor Noah, Kevin Hart, to name a few. Right now, I’m watching season 2 of the comedy line up, season 1 is not on Netflix.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #15

7:44am, cup of tea. Watch later list is playing on my computer. This is me from The Greatest Showman is playing in my head.

American Gods looks good is this based on The Greatest Showman because sure looks like it (not really the one thing that reminds me of The Greatest Showman is it has a circus in it too, I think, I only got a glimpse) but anyway this show has been added to my list of shows to catch up on.

My throat is hurting a little today, that’s why I have some tea.

That is all folks, yea I know it’s another very very short one (see how I wrote very twice to make it longer) and like I said I don’t keep writing when I’m done.

16 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #14 What my mother taught me.

9: 48am, today I have some hot water. Hot water is great for cleansing the body. Another thing I learnt from my mother, I make this number one hundred three hundred and something, something. The Fix is on my phone, I like it, but I don’t think I’m going to add it to my list. I’m just meh about it, acting is great, the storyline is great, I’m just…meh. I don’t know how to explain it.
Ooh Uriel from Supernatural, haven’t seen him since I saw him on the show.
Here is where I wonder If I’ve said this before. I’m working on the second draft of my novel ’In My Shoes,’ This book is about a girl called Lisa, who comes out, but her best friend is the only one who supports her.

An actor who killed himself on ‘Proven Innocent’ I know it’s not real, but I can’t help but think ‘you should be dead,’

I remember seeing the main actor Adewale Akinnuoye- Agbaje in OZ. He had an African accent then he has a British accent now (after doing some research I found out he was born in London). I loved him then I love him now. He is one of the actors that may keep me watching. Second Robin Tunney (I thought there was an I in her second name) from The Mentalist, I loved her then I love her now. Third Merrin Dungey from…well a lot of stuff, Once upon a time, The Resident, Conviction, Brooklyn Nine-Nine to name a few, I loved her then I love her now (note to self: write a poem tilted I loved him then I love him now) The actor that killed himself on ‘Proven Innocent,’ killed himself on ‘The Fix,’ too.

(Note to self: write a poem titled What my mother taught me,)
32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #13 Soup

6:55am, today I have a bowl of soup in front of me. Does that count as a hot drink, I will mostly be drinking it (BTW, I know it doesn’t actually matter whether I have a hot drink or not, but you’ll take away a lot of my writing, so I’ll continue) I had a dream breakthrough with my book ‘In my shoes’ after getting rejected by my first publishers, I decided to edit it further, I think it was because it was too short.

‘US’ was amazing last night, it’s one of those projects where there were no weak links, like a puzzle. ‘US’ staring Lupita Nyong’o and Winston Duke was very jumpy, my heart was beating faster for most of the movie. It wasn’t scary for me because I don’t get scared at horror movies. Came home last night at 12:00pm. I decided to watch Velvet Buzzsaw on Netflix, weird that’s how I would describe that movie. Paintings come to life and try to kill you. Unicorn Store is a film I didn’t think I’d like but I did. Time for a Soup refill.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #12 Hot chocolate

5:47am today I’m having hot chocolate or at least I will when my Grandma gets out of the kitchen.  Binge watching She’s got to have it, I watched the first episode when it first came put (and loved it). It got lost in the shows I needed to catch up on.

I’m going to watch ‘US’ in the cinema with friends today. My prediction, I’m gonna love it, I’ve heard only good things. The last movie I watched at the cinema was ‘the hate U give’

I had a dream that was sitting at a table with my laptop, I’m guessing in Australia. Jackie Woodburne who plays Susan Kennedy on Neighbours sat down in front of me. Then I was on top of a building, it was like I was in a video game, the controller was in front of me. It took me a while to take the controller (with the whole scared of heights thing). I took the controller in both my hands and I ended up in a toy shop (I guess) there were a lot of cuddly toys in front of me.  I grabbed what I could, and that’s when I woke up.

I don’t know what else to say so I’m just going to leave it there. This is another short one, but it took me 50 minutes to write (gotta love writers block)

See you when I see you.

Morning Pages #11 My Grandma

9:43am had another argument with my Grandma. It started when she told my Mum I hit her.  This is argument number 1000…and one. Yesterday she knocked on my door and said

‘Look at you, you don’t even know how to ask me If I want to eat,' 

So I closed the door, nothing else. My Grandma has a Demon inside her. It’s the kind of Demon that breaths by arguing, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had pointless or unnecessary arguments with her. A Demon that is angry all the time. A Demon who is always mad. A Demon who can see you having fun and wants to stop it immediately.

I don’t know if she’s always been like this because I’ve only known her as my Grandma. I meet her when I was 8 and before her, I never met anyone like her. In recent years I have stopped treating myself like something on the bottom of my shoe, so I don’t accept it from anyone else and that has essentially changed my relationship with my Grandma because I have switched off the Demon whenever it wakes.

Talking to her is like flipping a coin to a multiple-choice question and whatever you land on is wrong. I can’t live like that anymore, I refuse to live like that anymore.

20 minutes today, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #10 Food, no hot drink

10:44am, I’m breaking the rules today by eating instead of having a hot drink, but I’m hungry I rarely usually hungry this time. My YouTube watch list is on my computer. My list is 200+ I need to get that down.  Yesterday’s Escapril prompt was April showers.
I had a dream that I was in a building, I was up high looking down (like in the audience of a theatre) it was high enough that I was reminded of the time I realised I was scared of heights. I was at my best friend’s house. Who lived on the top floor (5th floor). When my friend was opening her front door, I looked over the side and I was shocked, it felt like ‘Oh, I didn’t know that about myself…anyway, I digress.

Something was going on down on the stage (I guess). Tried to find another way down because I was too scared to use the stairs. It was just out in the open, only a handrail and stairs. I opened a door found some stairs I was willing to use. I came across a group of women in a  poetry group. I sat down wrote a poem, but I was told I couldn’t join anyway. I got to the stage, it was a stage not it wasn’t a stage before. Ant and Dec were being interviewed on the stage.
33 minutes today.

See you when I see you.

Morning Pages #9 Not a nightmare.

You know when you go to sleep at 7pm and wake up at 2am, that. So, I went 
Back to sleep, woke up again at 9:23. I’ve been writing the time when I wake up, but I should be writing it when I actually start writing. (9:35am)
Family Guy season 3 is playing on my DVD player.

I had a dream last night that a girl came back home it sort of looked like a prison, but it probably wasn’t because women and men don’t stay in the same prison together or do, they. There was a man who was trying to get her to hurt her and she was very scared. The man and his crew got to her room, they were about to kick their way in when someone caught them.

I don’t know why I had that dream could be because I watched ‘Escape Room’ (2017). It wasn’t a nightmare (I rarely get those) It was like I was watching a TV Show.

Yesterday's poem went well, my ‘A Fresh Start’ poem was written in 27 minutes. It was an acrostic poem. A poem in which the first letter of each sentence starts with A FRESH START.
I’ve been thinking about what my teacher for 'Ace that interview' said
She said ‘Make a portfolio so that’s what I have added to my to-do list.
It’s 9:50am, 15 minutes, Oh. But like I said don’t continue when I’m done,
See you when I see you

Morning Pages #8 ESCAPRIL

It’s a little late today, later than it’s ever been much later than it’s ever been, it’s 10: 37am.
I didn’t sleep well yesterday because my gums were hurting me. In fact, I only just got to sleep a few hours ago. My gums don’t hurt as much, which is great.
Today is April first, YouTuber Savanna Brown is doing this challenge (which I think she did last year). The challenge is to write a poem for every day this month. There’s a prompt for each day. I decided to not write any poems in advance. So, at this very minute. I don’t know what I’m going to write for today, I don’t even know what the prompt is yet.
I kept myself busy watching movies on Netflix.
Short, very short, no timer, let’s just say it was 30 minutes.

See you when I see you.