Morning Pages #72

8: 32am, no nothing today, well nothing at the moment, but I’ve been aware for hours.

I’ve had breakfast with some tea.

Currently watching Home Alone 3, 

I was thinking something whist I was watching Home Alone the other day. The way Kevin talks to his mum is a disgrace. At one point he called a dummy.

Current mood: Angry

Can’t really say on here why it’s you, trust people, they say can you just do me this one favour I’ll owe you and they take the p***.

This is one of those incidents where I just wish I’d listened to my gut. Having seen all Home Alones now, I have to say number 3 is the worst.

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #71

11:18 am a cup of tea and breakfast in front of me.

I tried to make my omelette better by adding cornflour, it didn’t work.

Currently watching ‘Singing in the rain,’ with Gene Kelly. Is  it finally time to admit I’m a morning person?

I found an app last night that tracks your sleep when you fall asleep, when you wake up, even records if you snore.

I love this movie; it’s been 3 minutes.

9 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #70

10:31 am cup of tea in front of me.

I’m having one of these I woke up and realised it’s still the morning, so I’m writing this while I have a chance.

Currently watching the 5th Christmas movie this year ‘Miracle on 34th street,’ can you believe I never actually seen this movie. So far I’ve watched Home Alone 4 and 5 ( I thought I’d at least watch it before I judged) You know what it wasn’t terrible but I still think they should have kept it at two. A Christmas carol another one I hadn’t seen until yesterday. It was decent, but I don’t think it will replace my favourite black and white Christmas movie ‘It’s a wonderful life,’. The family stone which I didn’t remember I’d seen before until I was watching it.

I still have Home Alone 1, 2 and 3, Elf, Love Actually to watch.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Merry Christmas

Morning pages #69

10:53am cup of tea and a egg sandwich in front of me. I’m trying to eat breakfast in the morning and the app fabulous I recently found is helping with that. I’ve also stopped putting sugar in my tea…completely for no other reason than I’m trying to be healthier. I haven’t had any sweetener of any kind (except for that one time I put a little bit of honey in it) in my tea for nearly a month.

We haven’t spoken in a while…excuse me why I turn back the pages and look…I count that as a month and…11 days. Not a lot has changed, still working on my book. I’m determined to finish it soon.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #68

9: 42am, no nothing I’m binge-watching CSI (the original) for reasons. Currently watching season 1 episode 17.

My mum woke me up to get her iPad and loudspeaker, which I charge during the night. She also wakes me and my sister up in the morning when she’s praying. She’s a senior pastor and she owns her own church, so prayer has always been part of her daily routine.

I love it too be honest, it’s kind of like being woken up with a cup of tea which I also wouldn’t mind either.

8 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages 67

10: 48 cup of tea in front of me.

I decided to binge-watch 'how I met your mother' Season 5 Episode 10, the window.

The song 'Dance with my father,' is in my father probably because I heard Celine Dion's version the other day. It's not as good as the Luther version though. I wonder which one came first, I didn't even know she covered that song.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #66

10:33am a cup of tea in front of me, mostly because I’m cold. Currently watching Dulce Sloan on YouTube.

I haven’t watched YouTube in…I think a few weeks, just haven’t been on it. I also haven’t made a video in a few weeks either. I still want to I’ve just been (That’s just twice, I’m trying to cut that out of my writing) occupied with other stuff. Well, one, I really, really, really, want to finish this book, but then I did find time to binge watch Law & Order: SVU and other new shows.

Book update: 91% done.

18 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #65

10:59 am a cup of tea in front f me.
I thought it's about time I brought that back. Catching up on some 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. Not a fan of the original anymore (8 out of 10 cats not Countdown, Countdown is part of the funeture...furntiat...I don't know how to spell that word)

Google search = furniture

I've lost interest in that show, could be because I started watching does countdown, could be because they changed the Captains more likely the first one because I think they are both really funny. You know countdown is one of those little things that has made me a better writer. I used to find words with 3 letters at a stretch 4 now I find words with 6 at a stretch 7.

14 Minutes (same as yesterday), see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #64 Apple vrs Windows

10: 57am Music on Spotify

From all the evidence I've conducted, of which there is not much.

I can honestly say I'm not a huge fan of Apple products. A lot of my family have iPhones. Don't even get me started, I don't even have one and I hat...(hate is a strong word).

Also recently we got a new computer (second hand but still) It's a Mac. Hate it less than I did when it first got here. One task takes me twice as long as it does on my laptop, my windows laptop. I don't know maybe it's because of the mouse.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages 63 Better sleep

11:55 am, no nothing just Family Guy on my DVD player. I haven't written one of these in almost two months because I've been waking up after 1 pm for the last couple of weeks. Going to sleep after 5 am.

Random person: Well there lies your problem.

I know...I know.

Despite that, I have had great night sleep since I took the pillow of my bed (Try it trust me, you will never go back). Yeah I know it doesn't seem that way but when I actually get to sleep it's been amazing.

Book update: It's 85% done.

I will be doing another poetry challenge next month. This one will be a big challenge I predict from looking at the prompt list.

11 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #62 Heaven

9:05am, it’s another no tea no nothing day. I was just lying here awake and a question popped into my head.

‘What 3 questions I would give to allow people to get into heaven,’

It’s not the one you think.

‘Do you believe in God?’

Because that’s God’s job, it has nothing to do with me. God would ask that ( I mean he wouldn’t really need to ask but still) and pass it on to me.

‘Great, here’s my colleague, she’s going to ask you 3 questions. Don’t think about it, just answer honestly,’

I think I’d just give situations like what would you do type questions.

‘A woman shouts and is very rude whilst talking to you, thing is someone just spoke to her the same way what would you do,’

I think it would be strike one you get in, strike two we can work on it, strike three you’re out.

I think my point is that the important thing to get into heaven is whether you are a good person or not, because if you don’t believe in heaven and hell you wouldn’t care about getting in (I assume)

And being a Christian and believing in God is just one part it’s about how you lived your life.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #61

It’s one of those can’t sleep days, in that I never went to bed and it’s 7:50 am …so…yea.

I’ve been thinking about my crush again, not really, I think I’m over him…ha, not. Thought about making myself some warm milk. Because I read somewhere…or maybe I saw it on a TV show once. I 100% saw it on a TV show more than once.

Quick Google search: doesn’t work and Google is never wrong…it might work for some people.

My birthday was officially 8days ago, I turned 35 and no I don’t feel any different.
9 minutes humm, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #60 Oh this damn novel

Just checked the time and it’s 11:45am, so I decided I’m going to write this today. I just came back from the Jobcentre. I usually have my appointments in the afternoon, I don’t know why it was in the morning today.

I have enjoyed reading my novel back. It’s in the ‘It’s so close to being done phase,’ which it been in for months now…procrastination, you know. I have about 5 scenes I still need to write.

 Discovered that writing scenes out on paper first helps. By the time you see this next, I will have at least one scene written on paper unless you see me tomorrow then…doubtful.

12 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #59 😠

Current mood: Angry, because I was woken up and I didn't have to be. It's not a new thing difference being I wasn't dreaming about anything or at least I didn't remember my dream when I got woken up
10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #58 Wants vs Needs

I’ve been trying to start up these morning pages again. The last one was in…June. Wow, the 10^th of June. 2 months…why...I just wasn’t feeling it or I  didn’t wake up in time, one of the two. It’s 11:18 am no nothing because I want to write this down.

Humm, let me see what has happened in 2months…well, that course I was doing is over…what else…um…oh I discovered want vs need lists and I’m obsessed. I recently read or maybe I watched it on YouTube (probably a YouTube video) that you should focus on your wants and not your needs because if you focus on the needs that’s what you’ll be focused on.

Example…I want a man who will love me for who I am waltz and all. I need my crush to be happy. Let’s call a spade a spade I’m truly madly deeply in love with the guy who doesn’t even know my name (he knows my name).

If you’re going to sit at your computer/ laptop/ holding your mobile and say

‘Why didn’t you tell him,’

You obviously don’t know me, which is fine not a lot of people do. I just want my happiness more. I tried one for my future hubby, which I won’t be sharing…Ok, maybe I’ll share one or two. I want someone who makes me laugh. I need someone who is funny.

Same thing,’

It’s not though.

I don’t care if everyone else thinks he’s funny I just need him to make me smile. As appose to the other. Honestly, this list was a little more difficult than the first, deciding what was a want and what was a need. Someone who wants to get married and have kids and is attracted to me (and vice versa) is a want. But is respectful, Empathic, Reliable and Unselfishness want or needs.

24 minutes, see you when I see you hopefully not in another 2 months.

Morning Pages #57 I had a dream about my Dad

11: 59 am, I didn’t make myself anything this morning because I want to write this while it was fresh in my mind.

Last night I had a dream that I was walking through a house. I came to a room, where my Mum and Dad were. My Dad was lying down, my Mum sitting at the end of the bed. I gave my Dad a big hug. My Dads expressions was surprised. The next room I went to I saw my young brother, a lot younger than he is now. That’s when I realised, I went back in time. Next, I saw my 2 younger sisters as they are now. In the next room, I sat on the settee and turned on the TV. My nephew came into sleep. I told him he might want to go into the living room not realising that’s the room we were in. The doorbell rang and that’s when I realised, we were at my old house. There was a woman and a man telling me I won something, and can they film my reaction, I was in my nightie. A man appeared behind them giving me a dirty look. He said

‘This is why we gave you slot, so this doesn’t happen,’

Then he walked away. I didn’t know what he was talking about, how could he give me a slot when I didn’t know this was happening. As we were talking my other nephew came to the house.

This is the second time travel dream I had. The first time I saw myself when I was about 2or 3.
22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #56 British Dramas

8:04am, a cup of hot water in front of me. I made myself a Jam and peanut butter sandwich.

Back to my British dramas binge watch. I saw Paranoid and I’m currently watching Bordertown.

I wrote a few poems for May myself and I. Which I’m very, very happy about.

Now I only have 2 poems to write for each.

11 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages Day #55 A little break

10:29am, Mug of tea beside me watching one of us on Netflix (British drama). I decided to explore British dramas. I feel like I’ve been neglecting them, I recently saw Paula.

I haven’t written in this for about a week. I just haven’t felt like it. 

The course I was on ended. I learnt some good stuff on it. I also learnt a lot of stuff I already knew but it’s Ok. It would be frustrating for someone without patience. You could leave me sitting somewhere and say

‘I’ll be right back,’

And I’ll still be sitting there 1 hour later even 2 hours later. Oh, I’m inwardly inpatient, don’t get me wrong. I’ll be saying

‘Where is she?’ and ‘She did say right back, I was under the impression that meant 5 minutes max, maybe I’m wrong,’ ‘Maybe she forgot about me?... I should ask,’

I learnt more about Microsoft Excel (which I usually avoid) on this course. I’m gonna make sure I use it in my everyday life, so I don’t feel like the course is wasted.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages Day #54 Netflix's The Fix

10: 38am, just made some breakfast nothing extravagant I just made a bowl of cereal.

I have the song it’s ‘just my imagination,’ in my head.

Binge watching the fix on Netflix. Someone should tell Jimmy that his catchphrase

‘We’ll be solving the world’s problems in 5…4…3…2..1,’

Doesn’t work because that’s when the count down starts. For it to work they would need to get rid of the credits. And that’s not going to happen because people need to be thanked.  

‘It is just my imagination, running away from me…man, who sang that song.

21 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #53 Countdown

8:53am, I’m using the tea that comes with the Graze box. I need to make better use of those, I always forget they are there.

I’m watching 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. Watch this show has made me more interested in countdown, as a whole.

I used to watch it back when I watched TV on a TV. Back when I only watched TV, on a TV. Back when I watched channel four at 4am in the morning.

I have gotten better at the game. I used to only find words with four letters and on rare occasions words that have 5 letters. Now I stretch myself to words with 6 letters and rare occasions 7.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #52 Uniquely, extremely shy

9: 48am, just a guess.

I don’t know whether to make a cup of tea before I write this or not…just leave it.

I’ve been thinking about yesterday’s May myself and I prompt Black + White. My other idea, which I only thought of as I was traveling to class, was….um I don’t know what the word is (that’s going to be on my mind). It’s people’s thinking, like a lot of people think in Black or White. You’re either this or that and anything in between is alien. You’re either gay or you’re straight. You’re either breaking your back or you’re doing nothing (guess what that is about). Personally, I think that’s one of the route things that are wrong with the world. Not everyone fits into a box, I know I don’t.

I’m Black, tick.

I’m a woman, tick.

I’m a writer, tick.

I’m uniquely, extremely shy, where’s the box for that.

I think whilst they put a box for all the usual stuff, they should think about putting a box for mark unique, or maybe I’ll just add it myself.

12 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #51

9: 39am, BTW, I’m just guessing the time. I’ve been guessing the time for the last few days. I don’t have my phone on me so it’s difficult. I could ask someone but for me morning pages is a quiet activity. I don’t have a tea on me, but I will be making one after I finish writing this.

I caught up with one poetry challenge yesterday, May myself and I. Just resilient to catch up on.

10 minutes, (again this is a guess) see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #50

9:51am, sitting in my progression class, just before it starts. I gave a women direction you may be thinking…

‘So, I do that all the time,’

This is the first time I have known exactly where the place is, I was able to give her clear instructions. I was going to make a cup of tea, but the cups were supposed to use were not available.

8 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #49 Personal achievement

11am, I am so tired this morning.

This week is Progression, moving up.

I just spent 3 minutes starring at the first question in my book. A personal achievement that has affected your life.

I just wrote about something recent; the 30-day poem challenge I did in April. Because

{A} something I didn’t think I could do before that month.

{B} something I will use it in the future. Which is part 2 of the question.

The poem challenge, I’m doing next year will 100% be happening now.

14 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #48 going to the cinema alone.

11: 47am, my phone stopped working I feel so empty without my music in the morning.

Let’s talk about going to the cinema alone.

I personally don’t mind it I would gladly go, no worries. It baffles me why there is such a taboo. The reason I bring it up is that they were discussing it in my class. Most people were saying it’s weird of which there were 4 of us.

The reason I’m OK with alone cinema trips is that I do most things alone so to going to the cinema alone is nothing.

I would recommend it.

10 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #47

12:25am, a cup of tea and a plate of spaghetti in front of me.

I didn’t watch an episode of EastEnders not just because it was the weekend, I forgot. I think I’ll wait till Monday and watch Monday’s episode. My phone stopped working again.

Tomorrow will be the third week of my course. I did the same course. I did the same one 8 months ago, but I didn’t finish it. It was meant to be 4 weeks, but I was there for 2. Even though I have 2 weeks to go I think I’m going to stay longer for 6 weeks maybe more.

29 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #46 Eastenders

 10: 22am, I’m watching Marlon Wayans stand up, The Wayans Bros, the best things in life are free, film (Mo’ money) I actually didn’t know he did comedy until I saw it on Netflix.

I recently came across an article for EastEnders, Lola, Lexi and Ben are back. I don’t know how old it is, because I didn’t check. To be honest I didn’t check because I don’t care enough. I haven’t watched EastEnders in months. The last time I watched EastEnders was on my birthday last year. Here’s the thing I don’t even remember what was in that episode. The last time I watched EastEnders, Mick was in prison (which I didn’t know why to be fair) and a slater was pregnant, don’t ask me a name because I just…I could look it up, but I don’t care.

Warning: This is my opinion, I am one person, this is the opinion of one person.
EastEnders is rubbish nowadays. I can say that because I’ve been watching EastEnders since the ’90s. The last straw was when Linda was ill, and she didn’t tell Mick. The only thing I kept thinking

‘Why didn’t she tell him,’

It’s like someone just said we need to explain why Linda has been gone for so long so let’s just put some storylines in a hat and used the first thing that came out.
EastEnders used to bring me joy…I know, yes EastEnders is miserable. I’ll let you into a little secret, we know it’s miserable and we don’t care. Personally, I liked hearing about the places I know and pass every day. That is not enough to keep me watching now.
I saw a clip of new ben on EastEnders for me he looks too different. No glasses, no hearing aid, what are you doing?
Ben without glasses is just another character to me.
You know what I’m going to watch an episode as soon as I finish writing this, maybe it’s changed since I last saw it. The few clips I’ve seen, I would say doubtful, but I’m going to give it a chance.
I usually dip in and out of EastEnders, and I keep up to date with storylines, not this time. The only thing I know is that Sean is back, and his mum has Cancer.

38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #45 My interview

8:12am, doing this before my employability class. No morning pages yesterday because I was too busy worrying about my interview.

Which I didn’t need to, I wasn’t late, in fact, I was 30 minutes early. Overall the interview was great, and I am 100% glad I went.

When I come back from class today, I must make a start on the subtitles on my videos, my recent ones don’t have any. It’s probably one of the top reasons people don’t watch (top 5). I don’t want subtitles to be the reason people don’t watch (because I can only do so much with the sound right now) Subtitles is something I can sort out now, to help with the sound.

7 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages Day #44

9:26am, it’s 4 minutes to my employability class. There were no morning pages yesterday because I started at 11am and woke up at 10:30, I just couldn’t be bothered.

My interview for Shake shack is tomorrow. Trying not to worry about it, which is easy said than done. I’m just trying to think about it a step at a time. All I need to do is get to the interview on time. It’s good because the job doesn’t require any previous experiences or qualification.

14 Minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #43

12:17am, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix, that show is amazing. No drink because the kettle is not working. I’ve been doing it old school by putting water in a pot on the cooker but I’m too la…I mean I can’t be bothered.

I have a day off from my course today that’s why it’s later than usual. Finally wrote the last poem for Escapril. I did end up writing a haiku, also managed to write day 3, day 4 and day 5 of resilient poems.  May myself and I day 5 and 6 to go.

30 minutes, see you when I see you                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Morning Pages #42

11:34am, spaghetti on the cooker because I was very hungry last night hence the reason why I’m very hungry this morning, Michael McIntyre’s comedy roadshow on Netflix.

I’ve had 0 inspiration writing the last Escapril. I think it’s because I’ve never heard that word before. It’s not because I don’t have the time clearly, I’ve written other poems. Like I said before when I saw it I knew I would struggle with it. I think I’m going to go with a haiku poem. By the time I write morning pages tomorrow this poem will be done.

11 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #41

11: 57am, yea I had a great sleep, No drink, Family guy on my DVD player.

I have an interview on Thursday, which sounds like it’s a guaranteed job, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I haven’t got a video for YouTube this week, I’m going to have to use the video that has been on my camera for a long time.  Still, need to add subtitles to all videos.

I managed to write Day 1 and 2 of May, myself and I and Resilient poets. Day 3 and 4 of May, myself and I and resilient poets and day 30 of Escapril still to go (I will get to that one).

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #40 May challenges

8:08am, I’m writing this time before I go to class. Family guy on my DVD player. 

My teacher said she will let us go early today so I think I will be back here in 6 hours.

Update: I was back here in 6 hours exactly, when my class should have been finishing.

I’m doing two poem challenges this month. The resilient poets, day 1 is when I look in the mirror, day 2 is growth, day 3 is renewal, day 1 and 2 are done. And Carrie Hope Fletcher’s May myself and I. Day 1 is running, day 2 is stars. For resilient I think I might challenge myself by trying to write a poem style I haven’t done before. I’ve done acrostic and I’ve done haiku. So, the world is my Oyster.

For Carries one I decided to do acrostic poems for every (although I might change that because I’m struggling with it) 

Finally finished the poem for Escapril day 29, so now all I got to do is write day 30.

18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #39 Morning Pages 2.0

9:16am, writing this before my teacher comes.

I searched Morning Pages on Google again yesterday.

Number one: you have to do it in the morning, hence morning pages, duh. Yes, correct that’s what I do.

Number two: have a hot drink. Most of the time, but not always.

Number three write without editing. Yes, I do that.

Number four 3 pages of A4 pages. Uh…yea, I don’t think so.

Number five must be kept private. Well, that ship has sailed.

So I’m going to continue to do this until I get sick of it.

My version will be that I write before 1pm. I write as much as I feel like writing with whatever I feel like having at the time, hot drink or breakfast even a cold drink. Post it online no matter how many words even if it’s 60 words.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Ps: the first time I wrote and typed this up when I wasn’t at home (I’m in my Go train customer service lesson [at lunch)

Morning pages #38 Home stretch

12:30am, I’m writing this on my lunch break (new course), I was late this morning because I woke up late. This is one of those things that are out of my control. Of course, there are things I can do to stop it happening e.g. (Going to bed early) once it has happened, I can’t rewind time so what’s the point in worrying. It’s kind of like the multiple questions and the answer is always wrong.

Still, haven’t written anything for Escapril Day 29 and 30. I tell a lie I have written something for day 29 (uncompleted) Don’t even get me started on the last one Catharsis??????????????????????????, I have no idea what that means. I knew when I first saw the list of prompts, this is one of the ones that was going to stump me. One of the ones I would have to go to google for, that was how I was going to handle this month, but I only had to do that for at least two others.

Just going to say, I’m 99% sure I’m doing that big project next year so much so that I made a page about it. Maybe I’ll share closer to December (or in December probably). Also, I need to write those two last poems by the end of the week.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #37

9:22am, 

I’m writing this before my customer service class. Back on Go Train again.

I’m taking all the positives out of the situation. I’ve decided to apply for a writing apprenticeship. I never thought about it until yesterday, just need to write a writer CV. I read about the description on the national careers service website and I think it would be a good fit for me. I need to send that application today.

7 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #36

8:05am, I’m leaving for this course in 10 minutes. That’s why I don’t have a hot drink or food besides me. It's the worst thing when your seconds away from leaving the house and you need to go. Do you hold it and go when you get there or be late?

I hate this, I hate this very much. The only thing I like about this is it’s very close to me. That’s a lie I did enjoy the course. It was just sooooooo long. 4 weeks that could have taken 2 minimum. I’m hoping that I don’t have to start the course all over again since I didn’t finish it. I couldn’t sleep last night because of this. Once this day is over, I will be less stressed and less negative about it. I just need to get through today. If I remember it correctly all I need to do today is fill in forms.

12 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #35

10:54am, I thought it would be at least 1pm. Tea in the pot, the hilarious Kevin Hart on Netflix. I felt like having some croissants today.

Doing this Morning pages thing has been very therapeutic for me. I moved on to a second notebook.

Still thinking about this course, I have to go to on Monday. Whenever I get in unnecessary worry mode all I can do is try to ignore it. I tell myself

‘Everything happens for a reason,’

‘Everything will be fine,’

My favourite thing to do when I’m alone in the house is turn off all the lights. It just makes me happier, the house seams…warmer somehow. I don’t know a scientist can probably explain why. Actually, a scientist would probably say it’s all in your head.

Maybe I mean a therapist.

26 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #34 Can't see past your own nose.

9:03am, friends’ season 3 on Netflix. 

The episode where Mark asks Rachel out (I use to like Mark up until that point) I can’t really blame him. Just like I can’t blame interviews for believing that I can’t do the job that I won’t work my hardest. All they see is this shy, timid person.

Some people can’t see past their nose. Mark didn’t know that Ross and Rachel were soulmates or that Rachel was still in love with Ross. All he saw was this girl who he had a big crush on that was now available.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #33

10: 41am, no drink, because I’m hot, so much so that I woke up sweating. It’s more to do with the fact that I slept with the heater on and not because I’m having hot flushes.

Random person: You’re too young for that,

Me: Thank you, thank you very much.

Friends on Netflix, I’ve only binged watched Friends one other time this year that’s how I never get sick of friends, I saver it, I don’t watch it 24/7, 365 times a year. I’m thinking about the course my work coach put me on Monday, worrying about it actually and I will not stop until I go on it. It’s the same course I went on in September of last year, I’m really happy about that.

Even though I didn’t finish it I can 100% tell you that’s not the reason my work coach put me on it. I did enjoy the time I was there; I’m hanging on to that.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #32 Jobcentre...again

12:09, I slept well, hence the reason it’s 12 in the morning. Just Family Guy on my DVD player.

There is so much I want to say about the jobcentre but I’m holding back because I feel like if anyone to do with the jobcentre saw it would be bad for me. Just like when I was in a job I hated. I didn’t mention anything to anyone, not even my manager. Trust I will be pouring it out in the form of a blog or a video, (probably a video) when I leave that place.

I still need to add subtitles to my videos old and new.  I need to add subtitles to the video going up today.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #31 Misunderstood

11:58am, cereal in front (well besides me). I haven’t had cereal in at least a month, it’s not because we don’t have milk. I’m writing this in my living room, it’s the first time I wrote morning pages on a table (albeit coffee table but, a table none the less) note to self: I need to buy a table for my room. I don’t know why I’m writing that; I’m not going to read this again after I type it out. Watching Abz 25 boybands of the 90s on Sky. Remember five, I would say they were my top 10 favourite boybands of all time.

My biggest fear, apart form Height, Rats, rejection and some dogs (not all) is being misunderstood. It only happens with people who have just met me, that I’ve known for less than a year. Hence the reason I hate talking to people on the phone or going to interviews. My friends and family know me, which can I just say I am so grateful for. The feeling of being in a room and not having to explain myself.   

‘No, no, no it’s not that I don’t want to be here, it just that I’m really nervous and anxious and…blah, blah, blah,’

I think it’s because I have a calming presence, people assume I don’t care. I am guessing because no one has ever said this to me. Which is dumb in my opinion, if I’m not talking, I’m thinking, duh.

It might have something to do with the fact that most of my friends are like me in some way, not all, some of my friends are the opposite of me (Introvert vs. Extrovert, you know). Even so, we all get nervous before we go on stage, metaphorically (or not in some cases) that’s something we have in common but, there’s a fine line between nervous and anxious.

33 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #30 unnecessary worry

9: 10am, yes, I did make this pot of tea so that I can write here. Family guy on my DVD player.

People always use the word shy to describe me, which is an accurate description. Also an accurate description,

‘You worry too much,’

I know this, my heart knows this. Believe me, if I could take a pill that could get rid of or at least lower the feeling of worry in me I would take it.

Take my appointment with the jobcentre, I have one every two weeks. It starts around the same time every time. My heart beats faster and everything that could go wrong jumps into my head. I know it won’t because the last time I went it was fine. Even when I am sitting on the bus with 5 minutes to go.

‘I’m gonna be late, I know I’m going to be late,’

I think about something extreme, like my work coach killing me for being (never more than 30 minutes, FYI) late.

Worry just doesn’t have short term memory, well it does but it doesn’t care.

 18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #29

10:24am, made some soup and bread, the soup I made days ago. Family guy season 17 on my phone, my DVD collection only goes up to 16.

I think I will be very sad when I hear this show is ending. I would have said if, but Supernatural is ending in its next season so anything is possible.

I have an appointment at the jobcentre tomorrow, not gonna lie I’m not looking forward to it (does anyone). It’s just something you do because you have to right now, like staying in a job you hate, because you have to eat and pay bills.

19 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #28 Hot chocolate part 2

10:47am, Hot chocolate in my teapot, family guy on my DVD player.

I was going to make some soup and bread, but I forgot (Oh well there’s always tomorrow) I made myself some chips and nuggets instead, I’m not even that hungry.

Making process with my book.

I’m almost 85% sure I’m going to do this big project I said I was going to do next year, still not saying it though, I’ll tell you more about it closer to the time.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #27 YouTube subtitles

12: 06 in the morning, man I’m so tired. What I’ve noticed is if I’m so tired (or feeling lazy, but let’s just stick with tired) I don’t bother making myself a hot drink because I know I will have to wake up and use the toilet in an hour.

The teabag trick I used my eyes yesterday didn’t work, well it did just not the way I wanted it to. My eyes have stopped itching, though they are still producing extra sleep.

I need to add subtitles to all my videos, a lot of them are old, but there are two recent videos I need to add subtitles to. I heard a YouTuber complaining about subtitles recently, I’ve unsubscribed from him (not really, definitely thought about it)

Yes, subtitles are a pain to do and a little bit of an inconvenience, but you will be making your videos a lot more accessible to a lot more people. I feel like complaining about subtitles is a bit like complaining about having to edit your videos or actually upload them.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #26 YouTube

7: 21am, for the first time since I started this Morning pages, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. There is so much stuff I (technically want) to do. Because most of this stuff I don’t have to do, no one is waiting on it, the only person that will care if I don’t do it is me.

Top of my list is to film some videos for YouTube. One of my new years resolutions this year was to make at least one video a week, I’m good, I have done that so far, but I don’t have a video for this week and tomorrow is Saturday. I’m still cool I haven’t run out of video ideas…yet. I just need to stop procrastinating about filming.

11 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #25 In My Shoes

8:57am, listening to Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen on my computer, just finished my pot of tea. 

Again, I didn’t get to sleep. I’m writing this now because I’m going to sleep after I write this.

Finally got around to writing something for my novel ‘In my shoes,’ I wrote a lot. It’s really beginning to take shape.

OK, so that wasn’t very long, I think this is the shortest I’ve written so far. I’m very very tired.

6 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #24 Poetry 2

12:10 in the morning, no nothing day number 7, I think, I’m not going to go back and check in fact I will probably forget about it after I finish typing it up.

I kept waking up and going back to sleep because…I wouldn’t say I didn’t have anything to say.

The eye gunk thing is back, it hasn’t been back since I mentioned it last, but my eye has been itchy. I should talk to my doctor; I’m telling you right now I probably won’t be doing that. It doesn’t hurt if it gets any worse I will, it’s usually gone in 3 days.

Still thinking about the poetry project, I mentioned yesterday. I think I’ll keep it to myself until I’m a little surer of whether I’m doing it or not. It involves writing a poem every day for more than a month. If you were smart enough you could probably guess where I’m going with this.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #23 Poetry

8: 29am, Family guy season 9 on my DVD player, a pot of tea in front of me. I’ve been using the teapot for one set I brought on Amazon these past few days, they have little hearts on them. It’s very cute plus it makes me nostalgic for the 90s.

It’s the episode where Brain and Stewie get locked in a bank (FYI dogs are disgusting). Generally, I believe everything I’m told on TV until I find out its not true #Google.

Escapril was describe a smell yesterday, today it’s any dreams. Doing this has made me believe I can conquer the world poetry-wise (and a little bit otherwise).

I’m thinking about doing a big project next year to do with writing poetry. Maybe I’ll tell you about tomorrow.

18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages 22# audiobooks

It’s a no nothing day again, listening to audiobook Visualfestation by Peter Adams playing on my computer.

Audiobooks are a lifesaver, I’m not a very fast reader so audiobooks help to read more. Before I discovered audiobooks, I read a book a year, if that. If you say audiobooks is not real reading I think you're wrong. Before this, I was listening to ‘you are a badass: How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life’ by Jen Sincero. I loved it; I’m definitely going to check out the rest of the series.

11:04am, I woke up at 6 something and went back to sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up expecting a lot of time to have passed, and it’s been only 30 minutes.

Our fresh fruit and veg from Able and Cole came today with no potato, why no potato.

9 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #21

10: 26am, no hot drink today, no anything today.

Finally getting around to watching the Haunted of Hill House, I love it. Currently on episode 7.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I hardly ever get nightmares. Us is the first movie to give me nightmares since Gremlins 2, I’m not even joking. That’s 29 years ago, I was…well I’m 34 now, do the maths.

13: 26pm, Damn I fell asleep. I hate it when I’m watching something and I’m also tired, so I just keep falling asleep before the episode ends. (Is it just me). The Haunting on hill house episode 7 is on. This is the 10^th time I’ve played it.

Technically 3 hours, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #20 Not a clue

9: 26am, no hot drink just Family Guy on my DVD player.

I really need to write something/ anything for my book, it’s 38, 608 words now. I’m not concentrating on getting it to 50.000 part of it just getting it completed.

Escapril day 13 is Celestial bodies???????

This is gonna be a hard one, I’m stuck. I usually know as soon as I see the prompt where my poem is heading, even without reading the description below it. Not a clue what I’m going to write for this one. It’s the first time I had to do a Google search, even after that I’m still none the wiser. My prediction is I don't like this poem, but I will be posting something today, wish me luck.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #19 Have you put on weight?

7: 27am, Cup of hot water in front of me. I haven’t been to bed yet, but it’s 7am so I’m doing this now.

Note to friend: Let me start this by saying I know this statement is not said maliciously (Hence the reason I said note to a friend) at least not when it’s said to me. I know you mean well, even if this statement is true. 

Don’t ever say

‘You…have…put…on…weight,’

When you say that I’m not thinking…

’Huh, I guess you’re right,’

I’m thinking.

‘What did I do to deserve this…I mean is that supposed to be a compliment?’

That’s an insult to me. Know your audience, you know what I am saying. If I was smaller, I’m not saying I’m fat, just if I was skinny. In whatever I go through in life whether I balloon up or shrink down, the only time…

‘You have put on weight,’

Is acceptable is if you know 100% that I’m trying to gain weight (which would be never)

So now you know.

1 hour 20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #18

10:29 am, a cup of tea in front of me, comedians of the world playing on my computer.

Just got my 60^th subscriber on YouTube. Not a big deal for the 100 or more club. Though it probably was when the big YouTubers got to 60 subscribers they probably celebrated it when it happened in some small way. I’m talking about when you start at 0 not when you buy subscribers (I don’t even know how that works, who are these people) not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with that, you do you.

23 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #17 Jobcenter

10:14am, My phone is working again, yay. I was not hopeful the rice trick would work but I’m glad I was wrong.

I’m discovering new comedians with Netflix, also discovering old comedians I liked but don’t like anymore. I won’t mention a name but let’s just say he’s a famous black comedian and sometimes actor. Currently watching Ali Wong. I was told yesterday by my work coach that I do not job searching enough, she’s not wrong. On the positive side, she did say that I was the only one who was actually doing a job search so there’s that. 

She didn’t say I might get sanctioned, just that I need to do more.

38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #16 Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????????????????

8:04am, time of the month related stomach-ache I hate you very much. 

My phone hasn’t been working since I dropped it in some water yesterday. I’m gonna try putting it in rice for 48 hours. If that doesn’t work…hey, I guess I’m due for an upgrade. Been binge watching a few stand up shows on Netflix, Trevor Noah, Kevin Hart, to name a few. Right now, I’m watching season 2 of the comedy line up, season 1 is not on Netflix.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #15

7:44am, cup of tea. Watch later list is playing on my computer. This is me from The Greatest Showman is playing in my head.

American Gods looks good is this based on The Greatest Showman because sure looks like it (not really the one thing that reminds me of The Greatest Showman is it has a circus in it too, I think, I only got a glimpse) but anyway this show has been added to my list of shows to catch up on.

My throat is hurting a little today, that’s why I have some tea.

That is all folks, yea I know it’s another very very short one (see how I wrote very twice to make it longer) and like I said I don’t keep writing when I’m done.

16 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #14 What my mother taught me.

9: 48am, today I have some hot water. Hot water is great for cleansing the body. Another thing I learnt from my mother, I make this number one hundred three hundred and something, something. The Fix is on my phone, I like it, but I don’t think I’m going to add it to my list. I’m just meh about it, acting is great, the storyline is great, I’m just…meh. I don’t know how to explain it.
Ooh Uriel from Supernatural, haven’t seen him since I saw him on the show.
Here is where I wonder If I’ve said this before. I’m working on the second draft of my novel ’In My Shoes,’ This book is about a girl called Lisa, who comes out, but her best friend is the only one who supports her.

An actor who killed himself on ‘Proven Innocent’ I know it’s not real, but I can’t help but think ‘you should be dead,’

I remember seeing the main actor Adewale Akinnuoye- Agbaje in OZ. He had an African accent then he has a British accent now (after doing some research I found out he was born in London). I loved him then I love him now. He is one of the actors that may keep me watching. Second Robin Tunney (I thought there was an I in her second name) from The Mentalist, I loved her then I love her now. Third Merrin Dungey from…well a lot of stuff, Once upon a time, The Resident, Conviction, Brooklyn Nine-Nine to name a few, I loved her then I love her now (note to self: write a poem tilted I loved him then I love him now) The actor that killed himself on ‘Proven Innocent,’ killed himself on ‘The Fix,’ too.

(Note to self: write a poem titled What my mother taught me,)
32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #13 Soup

6:55am, today I have a bowl of soup in front of me. Does that count as a hot drink, I will mostly be drinking it (BTW, I know it doesn’t actually matter whether I have a hot drink or not, but you’ll take away a lot of my writing, so I’ll continue) I had a dream breakthrough with my book ‘In my shoes’ after getting rejected by my first publishers, I decided to edit it further, I think it was because it was too short.

‘US’ was amazing last night, it’s one of those projects where there were no weak links, like a puzzle. ‘US’ staring Lupita Nyong’o and Winston Duke was very jumpy, my heart was beating faster for most of the movie. It wasn’t scary for me because I don’t get scared at horror movies. Came home last night at 12:00pm. I decided to watch Velvet Buzzsaw on Netflix, weird that’s how I would describe that movie. Paintings come to life and try to kill you. Unicorn Store is a film I didn’t think I’d like but I did. Time for a Soup refill.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #12 Hot chocolate

5:47am today I’m having hot chocolate or at least I will when my Grandma gets out of the kitchen.  Binge watching She’s got to have it, I watched the first episode when it first came put (and loved it). It got lost in the shows I needed to catch up on.

I’m going to watch ‘US’ in the cinema with friends today. My prediction, I’m gonna love it, I’ve heard only good things. The last movie I watched at the cinema was ‘the hate U give’

I had a dream that was sitting at a table with my laptop, I’m guessing in Australia. Jackie Woodburne who plays Susan Kennedy on Neighbours sat down in front of me. Then I was on top of a building, it was like I was in a video game, the controller was in front of me. It took me a while to take the controller (with the whole scared of heights thing). I took the controller in both my hands and I ended up in a toy shop (I guess) there were a lot of cuddly toys in front of me.  I grabbed what I could, and that’s when I woke up.

I don’t know what else to say so I’m just going to leave it there. This is another short one, but it took me 50 minutes to write (gotta love writers block)

See you when I see you.

Morning Pages #11 My Grandma

9:43am had another argument with my Grandma. It started when she told my Mum I hit her.  This is argument number 1000…and one. Yesterday she knocked on my door and said

‘Look at you, you don’t even know how to ask me If I want to eat,' 

So I closed the door, nothing else. My Grandma has a Demon inside her. It’s the kind of Demon that breaths by arguing, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had pointless or unnecessary arguments with her. A Demon that is angry all the time. A Demon who is always mad. A Demon who can see you having fun and wants to stop it immediately.

I don’t know if she’s always been like this because I’ve only known her as my Grandma. I meet her when I was 8 and before her, I never met anyone like her. In recent years I have stopped treating myself like something on the bottom of my shoe, so I don’t accept it from anyone else and that has essentially changed my relationship with my Grandma because I have switched off the Demon whenever it wakes.

Talking to her is like flipping a coin to a multiple-choice question and whatever you land on is wrong. I can’t live like that anymore, I refuse to live like that anymore.

20 minutes today, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #10 Food, no hot drink

10:44am, I’m breaking the rules today by eating instead of having a hot drink, but I’m hungry I rarely usually hungry this time. My YouTube watch list is on my computer. My list is 200+ I need to get that down.  Yesterday’s Escapril prompt was April showers.
I had a dream that I was in a building, I was up high looking down (like in the audience of a theatre) it was high enough that I was reminded of the time I realised I was scared of heights. I was at my best friend’s house. Who lived on the top floor (5th floor). When my friend was opening her front door, I looked over the side and I was shocked, it felt like ‘Oh, I didn’t know that about myself…anyway, I digress.

Something was going on down on the stage (I guess). Tried to find another way down because I was too scared to use the stairs. It was just out in the open, only a handrail and stairs. I opened a door found some stairs I was willing to use. I came across a group of women in a  poetry group. I sat down wrote a poem, but I was told I couldn’t join anyway. I got to the stage, it was a stage not it wasn’t a stage before. Ant and Dec were being interviewed on the stage.
33 minutes today.

See you when I see you.

Morning Pages #9 Not a nightmare.

You know when you go to sleep at 7pm and wake up at 2am, that. So, I went 
Back to sleep, woke up again at 9:23. I’ve been writing the time when I wake up, but I should be writing it when I actually start writing. (9:35am)
Family Guy season 3 is playing on my DVD player.

I had a dream last night that a girl came back home it sort of looked like a prison, but it probably wasn’t because women and men don’t stay in the same prison together or do, they. There was a man who was trying to get her to hurt her and she was very scared. The man and his crew got to her room, they were about to kick their way in when someone caught them.

I don’t know why I had that dream could be because I watched ‘Escape Room’ (2017). It wasn’t a nightmare (I rarely get those) It was like I was watching a TV Show.

Yesterday's poem went well, my ‘A Fresh Start’ poem was written in 27 minutes. It was an acrostic poem. A poem in which the first letter of each sentence starts with A FRESH START.
I’ve been thinking about what my teacher for 'Ace that interview' said
She said ‘Make a portfolio so that’s what I have added to my to-do list.
It’s 9:50am, 15 minutes, Oh. But like I said don’t continue when I’m done,
See you when I see you

Morning Pages #8 ESCAPRIL

It’s a little late today, later than it’s ever been much later than it’s ever been, it’s 10: 37am.
I didn’t sleep well yesterday because my gums were hurting me. In fact, I only just got to sleep a few hours ago. My gums don’t hurt as much, which is great.
Today is April first, YouTuber Savanna Brown is doing this challenge (which I think she did last year). The challenge is to write a poem for every day this month. There’s a prompt for each day. I decided to not write any poems in advance. So, at this very minute. I don’t know what I’m going to write for today, I don’t even know what the prompt is yet.
I kept myself busy watching movies on Netflix.
Short, very short, no timer, let’s just say it was 30 minutes.

See you when I see you.

Morning Pages #7 TV shows

Another early one (6:53am).  I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep, but I wasn’t tired.
Season 1 of Family Guy on my DVD player, my personal DVD player. I have nearly all of Family Guy on DVD (season 1- 16).
My left thumb was hurting when I touched it, at second glance I see that I have a small papercut injury on it, this happens a lot. I don’t know why it’s not like I sleep under some paper.
I’ve been trying to get out of the habit of using cotton buds, but it’s hard. I’ve been using baby wipes or wet tissue and putting it on my finger. The experts say don’t put anything smaller than your finger in your ear because anything smaller pushes the wax inside your ear.
My tea is still hot. Today I’m using my ‘I’d rather be watching Rizzoli and Isles mug’ It’s been almost 3 years and I still miss that show. Of all the shows I watch, fall into two categories. Shows I accidentally come across and the second shows I actively go in search of. Rizzoli and Isles was the first one, I have to admit I didn’t like Rizzoli and Isles when I first saw it, but I went back a few years later and I’m glad I did because this show became one of my favourites. Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander some of my favourite actresses.
As I finish my tea I realise I didn’t set a timer. It’s 7:30 now…so that means…step up the calculator on my phone…37 minutes, actually I didn’t need a calculator for that. That was pretty easy maths, take 3 away from 10, add it on to 30.
I also woke up with my right cheek aching but it’s gone down.  I thought it might be the same with my thumb but it’s not.
See you when I see you, that’s what I say at the end of my youtube videos.

Morning Pages #6 Season 10+

It’s even earlier than it was yesterday (5:35am). Not today sore throat, not today.

Family Guy season 17 is on my phone, that show started in 1999, 20 years. Can’t say I’ve been watching for that long, but this show is hilarious. I wonder how many shows that have 10+ season that I watch.

Supernatural is one, I’ve been watching since the last episode of season one. I’m sad it’s ending, I will miss it. I will cry in the last episode.  

Law & Order: SVU just announced it’s 21^st season. Fraser, Happy days (just been added to my Throwback Thursday videos) ER, CSI, The X Files, Grey’s Anatomy, murder she wrote, Beverly Hills 90210, American Dad, those are some of the ones I watch/ watched.

Back to Family Guy, Neil and Meg are meant to be, you know they are gonna end up getting married to each other.

Another short one today, Oh, I forgot to set the timer, it’s been about 25 minutes, but I promised myself I wouldn’t keep writing after I was done.

Morning Pages #5 Crush

It’s a little earlier today (6:35am), but I’m a little less tired. cup of tea, the tea that comes with the Graze box (their snacks are delicious).
The song Mama by the Spice Girls is in my head.
You used to be my only enemy, but never like to me be true,’
Pretty sure those are the wrong lyrics, another song I know all the words to, or at least I thought. The makings of a sore throat is brewing, luckily I brought a bunch of throat sweets last week. I hate getting a sore throat, the worst thing is I never know how I get it so it’s hard to stop it happening.
Decided to go with a Whitney Houston mix. The first song is ‘I will always love you,’ appropriate since I’ve been thinking about my crush lately. I’ve never said this out loud, I’ve never even told him, I can’t tell him, actually.
Voice in my head is saying ‘No Esther, stop,’ but I’ve started so I’ll finish.
I’ve had a crush on a guy for a long time. We met briefly and then it was over, I don’t even know we are friends because we haven’t seen each other in years, at a guess I would say yes, I still consider him my friend, I consider people I’ve known for 20 years my friends even though I haven’t seen or spoken to them in that time, not even on Facebook.
This situation has taught me a lot, what it’s like to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back (Ooh that’s a big thing to admit)
How can I know he doesn’t feel the same way if I never told him how I feel, I know trust me, think about the one thing that can make me know that he doesn’t feel the same way, that.
It’s taught me that the reason this person doesn’t share my feelings is not always about you, it is what it is. That’s what I told myself, what I tell myself every time I think of him I haven’t told anyone that, not even my best friend though I suspect she knows already, I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I think even he knows. If that is the case, I want to say thank you to him for not telling me, he doesn’t feel the same way or worse I don’t like you that way, that would have been cruel and I would have seen you differently.

I used to sing this next song ‘Greatest love of all’ in my secondary school choir. I wasn’t that familiar with the words before that, but I had heard it.

34 minutes today. I’m not ready to say this is my morning routine yet, even though technically it is…until tomorrow.

Morning Pages #4

It’s 7:12 am in the morning, I’m writing this without a hot drink and the latest episode of The Resident on my phone. I woke up because I needed to use the toilet, I’m half asleep, hate that.

You know when you are drifting off to sleep, sometimes I get these (I wouldn’t call it dreams because I’m not asleep) but I hear (I would say God/Jesus) calling my name. The voice is male and deep and strong, which is why I think it’s God. I wake, check the room, I check every room, nothing, no one called my name, unless I heard someone from next door, which I would say is very unlikely. It’s very weird, I guess you could say it’s my recurring not dream, it happens a lot.

Alec Shaw (The Resident) is so full of himself, I’m not a fan. I hate anyone who tries to get with someone in a relationship. I don’t care what you feel, if you think you and that person belong together, stay away. Also, I kind of like Conrad and Nic together so. If they break up, I blame him. If Nic cheats I blame him, Ok, not really cheating takes two, blah blah blah, but really.

I’ve been watching ‘This is us’ from the beginning, and I have loved it from the beginning. I can honestly say I love every character. Randall and Beth are #couplegoals, but I know they are about to break my heart.

It’s a short one today, but I’m also very, very tired. And I didn’t set a timer today it’s been an hour, I didn’t write the whole hour though.

See you around the same time tomorrow.

Morning Pages #3

Day number 3, 7: 59 am. I decided to go with a Spice Girls mix, arguably my favourite band of all time. Of course, they are I’m a nostalgia-obsessed but I don‘t think the Spice Girls first run was just the 90s.  I wonder how many Spice Girls songs I know all the words to.
Wannabe…tick, 2 become 1, no doubt, Say you’ll be there…of course, one of my favourites. You know when I found out Geri was leaving the band my first thought was
‘Oh, so the Spice Girls lied to me for years,’
When they said friendship last forever, they didn’t mean it. Also, when they said
‘You got to get with my friends,’ I thought, oh well, I guess people do that too.
I loved them all and I think they are all brilliant singers despite what the world says. I think Emma/ baby spice, was my number one favourite.
I’m stuck, it’s not like I don’t have anything in my head, child there’s always something in my head…I guess I’m just tired. I don’t think I can claim that I’m a morning person just yet.
Ok, in a few seconds I’m just going to write the first thing that comes to mind.
Who do you think you are,’ is playing now. I remember they used this song for Comic Relief one year through this video is the original, not the Comic Relief one. My whole class got to go to Comic Relief one year pretty sure it was 1993. I would have been 9 years old. I remember my mum made me wear this (albeit very pretty) dress and I was mad because I thought no one else is going to be dressed like this. Turned out to be a good thing because one of my school teachers said she saw me on TV, she recognised the dress.
That was my first lesson in everything happens for a reason, embrace your uniqueness. What if I got my way.
Trying not to look back at what I wrote, the timer hasn’t gone off yet which I set for 40 minutes. Looking at the time and doing some quick maths deduce that it’s been 31 minutes.
This is new I don’t think I’ve heard this one before, correction I know I haven’t heard it before, quick search released in 2007, Headlines, I’m not a fan, to be honest. Just spied a Geri and scary Spice feud reignited, I guess I know that was a thing but, I chose not to pay attention to it.
It’s nearing the end where I don’t know what to write to at the end. So I’m just going to leave it there.
Again 38 minutes, until tomorrow.

Morning pages #2

It’s day 2 and it’s 7: 13am in the morning. This is a making me a morning person and I don’t like it, actually, cold showers (which I recently started to enjoy) is what is making me a morning person, anyway I digress…

For your eyes only, that’s what I read when I typed morning pages into google yesterday. So, I wasn’t supposed to publish it. Despite that I think I’m going to continue to post it, well I am going to post it because you’re reading it right now. If I had gone on google before I started I guarantee I wouldn’t have posted it online, no matter whether I like it or not.

Yesterday I wrote without music. Honestly, I think I write more without music, but I love writing with music…dilemma.

Michael Jackson plays on my phone, on YouTube. The song in the closet is playing, which I always forget about.  

I am single, when I think about finding the one, I look at it with dread. I’m not looking forward to it but I guess I’m always searching for Mr Right, not actively, like I don’t go to clubs and bars, I don’t belong to any online dating sites. Whenever I meet someone new, I’m thinking in my head

‘Will you be the one I marry?’

I’m looking forward to dating, as in getting to know my boyfriend just not the actual search.  Those of you more experienced than me may be saying, no that’s the best thing going on dates and stuff, but for me…because I know that part is going to be infuriating.  A lot of things must fall into place for it to work out. I mean have an idea of what I want in a guy, none of it has anything to do with looks which makes it harder, I think.
Listen I’m 34 now I don’t have time for boys, I’m looking for a husband.

Oh my God, Thriller 37 years ago this year. Woah, that’s the year my brother was born. That song, the video, Michael Jackson himself still has a massive influence on music today. I’m going to briefly talk about the accusations against him. It has nothing to do with the music. That’s why I haven’t seen the R Kelly documentary (not that I see him and Michael at the same level. I honestly haven’t listened to an R Kelly song in months) because I’m not interested, I care that the girls he hurt get their justice but that’s about it, I don’t care about the ins and outs of the situation.

With Michael…if you were to say do I think he’s innocent, I would say, I don’t know that’s my answer. I’m leaning towards one, but I don’t want to say it out loud because what if I’m wrong. I can’t say 100% either way, because I wasn’t there. And the people who have an opinion, either way, I don’t understand because you don’t know.

This time I wrote for… I would say 39 minutes because I stopped a few seconds before the timer went off.

Morning Pages #1

I was recently introduced to Morning Pages by someone I admire (Shout out to Carrie Hope Fletcher)

For those of you not in the know (like I wasn’t), Morning Pages is when you wake up, make yourself a hot drink, sit down with a notepad and pen (or you could use your computer) and just write whatever is in your head, and I love that.

In her blog, Carrie mentions 30 – 40 minutes but I think I’m going to change it to an hour, or however long it takes me to finish my cup of tea.

Just looked at my tea, I’m using my family Guy mug (love that show) put my hand on the side, it’s still too hot.

And a pause while I gather my thoughts.

Just looked over at the timer 52:12 that means, quick do maths…almost 7 minutes have passed. Lately, I’ve been having problems with my eyes, they itch.  A lot and have excess sleep no matter what I do, I will clean them, put water on them but there is still sleep on the corner of my eye.

Sleep = the gunk in the corner of your eyes when you wake up hence the word sleep. I don’t know if people know that, that’s what I called it when I was growing up. When I was in primary school. One day on the playground another girl told another girl she had sleep in her eye and that’s how I knew what it was called. Just had a flashback to old school memory. I was in primary school obviously because I was just thinking about it.  We had this teacher who only worked in the playground, Lorraine. There was a day when she was putting kids on her knees and singing

‘Roll, roll, roll your boat,’

Don’t ask.

I think one kid did it and everyone else just queued up (Yea you heard me right) I think this is the one time in my life where I can honestly say the stereotype of the British loving to queue was correct, because I didn’t know what it was about first, I just queued everyone else was. Anyway, whilst I was in the queue my shyness and my awkwardness.

I love calling myself awkward because it describes me to a T, but I’d always thought of that word as a negative like I did the word shy…anyway, I digress.

All these questions going through my head will I have to ask (that was my biggest hurdle when I was a kid and a little bit now, having to speak) her for a turn or will it be obvious that I want a turn based on the fact that I’m in the queue.

Finished my tea and it’s 30: 25 on the timer, I think I will continue because I haven’t finished my thought.

When it got to me, I stood in silence, she looked at me like

‘Speak, tell me what you want,’

But then we had a non-verbal conversation and she sat me on her knee. Afterwards, I wondered what to do next, where do I go? Can I get away with queuing up again, I decided against that.

If I met that teacher again, I would say firstly that you were my favourite teacher. Also, I want to ask her what was going through her head (I’d want to ask everyone that I’ve ever had a non-verbal conversation with because it wasn’t the first and it certainly wasn’t the last) what they thought of me.

‘She is so weird?

‘Did she say something, and I missed it,’

‘Am I just supposed to guess what you want?’

That’s it, I loved doing this, I’m going to (I mean I’m going to try and continue it) we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

It’s been less than an hour, but I think I’m going to cut it there 22: 12 Maths, maths, maths. I mean I could just use the calculator on my phone, in fact, that’s what I’m going to do…38 minutes, not bad. I guess in the end I did use the 30-40 minutes guidelines.

London eye

I went to an interview at the London Eye today. For me, the problem is not getting job opportunities and job offers. The problem is decided which job interviews to go to, which one is worth it. For example, if the job is 2 hours away, I’m not going to want to bother, making that journey every day, no thank you. I have been to so many interviews now and the reason for not getting it is always                       

‘There were other candidates that were better qualified,’

Then why did you call me, If I’m not one of your top 5, if you are not at least 75 per cent sure you’re going to give me the job don’t call me because you’re wasting my time as well as yours.  And I know what you’re going to say 

‘Esther maybe they need to see you to make up their mind up, maybe they were 45 per cent and then when they saw you, they bumped it up to an 85 per cent (which has never happened)’

It’s not worth it, to be honest with you If I was still the type of person to focus on what if’s, I would probably go to every single job interview I was offered and that wouldn’t be beneficial for me. Because like I said I can’t be travelling 3 hours to and from work every weekday.

Anyway, I digress…I decided to go to this interview because…well, it’s the London Eye, and because the email said to bring along an item that best describes you, I thought that was interested.

 It was an assessment that was going to take place 1pm to 4pm, which I was iffy about, but I decided to go anyway. When I got there they had already started, I was minutes late (But late all the same) There was another girl, who was also late, as we were walking to the room the girl broke down. She said she had just been turned down for a job a few hours ago and she had had enough. Told us she goes to interview after interview and these company that turn her down always say you don’t have the right qualifications, and she just doesn’t know what they are looking for.  I felt for her because I think anyone who has had to job search for a period of time can relate. I wanted to say something to her, I ended up saying

‘You’ve got to keep going,’

Which I honestly think I just made worse. We weren’t able to take part in the assessment, our names were taking and the women said she would let the manager know we came. I can never be upset about being turned down for a job because my outlook has changed.  Instead of thinking what did I do wrong (today aside) I leave thinking

‘You’re loss,’