Morning page #189

 11: 28 am, I haven't been to sleep...no I tell a lie, I've been up for 10 hours. I thought since I'm up I might as well write a morning page.

I've been having a lot of realizations this year that started with my autism, and it just keeps coming. The latest one is when I accidentally watch the tarot card reading deck I didn't pick (because I fall asleep) I still find that one is a little bit like the one I choose. Got me overthinking about tarot card reading as a whole. But I realise it's just that the message needs to get to me. 

Just finished some croissants mum reminded me of the yum yum's she used to buy. Which is what I will be calling the long doughnuts from now on.

Watching the tarot priest's '2023 predictions, messages to guide you in the new year,'

I've stopped and started this 3 times now so maybe I wasn't meant to watch this. I was meant to be surprised about how wonderful the year will be.

Feeling check-in: I'm feeling pretty great actually. After this, I'm going to make some hot chocolate.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do. 

18 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #188

 Woke at 5:45 am and I went to the toilet (both numbers) 

I remembered today was my wash day so I did that before I wrote this. 

7:02 am, Dark mint, camomile and grapefruit. American dad on mac. I’m having a steak of remembering dreams. I was even able to lucid dream 2 days ago. One guess who I was thinking about. The laptop (Chrome) I brought arrived yesterday. This is the first time owning (Chrome). It was the best decision it’s definitely better than an Apple mac.

I just remembered my mum’s comment

‘Why didn’t I buy a phone,’

First of all, I need a laptop more than I need a phone (always) 

Two my mum didn’t know my laptop had stopped working, but she does know my phone is on its last leg.

This got me thinking about people can’t see other people’s points of view.  To my mum who uses her phone to communicate with others. A phone is more needed than a laptop. I am not the same in fact I’d rather you emailed me. 

Tea check: drinking temperature.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #187

 11: 27 am, sleep in my eyes and doing somersaults.

That's why I have a peppermint tea in front of me. Coco melon on the TV (well my niece is watching it)

I woke at 11:  13 am and the only reason I didn't start with that is I woke to no plates in the sink. Just my niece crying. I did wee though. 

That reminded me of the time I was in America (for some reason) in a Buffalo wings restaurant to be exact and I asked a staff member where the toilet is and she looked at me like I had 2 heads. Now...I know ther reason. I know the conversation from her point of view.  but I also feel strongly that as someone who works in a restaurant it's important to know those things. Because that word is used by the British English people. Anyway, that was my first thought. I get it but maybe do some research.

Tea check: still too hot.

Seeing my life from a different view (especially this year). Trying to let go of things I can't control. I've realised what I need 100 per cent is to do only what I want to do all the time or at least more times than not. Try to strip the people-pleaser personality.

Tea check: Still too hot

In the past, I felt like I need to do this thing. Now I can't afford to do anything that I'm not at least 60% into. 

Feeling: right now my stomach has stopped somersaulting and I'm feeling happy - relaxed.

There is a woman that I want to be and until that moment I have work to do

25 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #186

 When I first woke I thought it was 10 or 11, but when I woke again it was a few minutes to 7 am. I'm pretty sure time doesn't go back (at least not more than an hour) 

I went to the kitchen washed the plates in the sink and made my hot drink.

8:16 am, I felt like having a hot chocolate today. Youtube watch list on Mac. Currently, Joe (can't remember his surname at this second) talking about his Christian deconstruction. He is @whatisjoedoing on Youtube 'You can let go of Jesus but what about your cross? 

I have a song in my head, I'm in two minds about if I should class it as random. I was watching GMM (of course) season 9 and I heard the 'song when you want to say I love but can't, The music reminded me of the 'my wife and kids,' episode when Michael is sitting at a piano in junior's room. The only lines I remember are...

'I don't know whether to hit him with the left or the right,'

and

'If he do it again my oldest kid gonna be claire,'

Man, so frustrating, I searched and I searched. So I think binge-watching the show is my best bet.

Hot drink check: drinking temperature, if I sip it.

I think I've changed my opinion about people's deconstruction from the Christian faith because I've had people close to me go through that. This also cemented the opinion is opinion at the end of the day quote in my mind. We grew up the same way, taught the same things (in terms of Christianity anyway) but their conclusion was different from mine. Before this, I would avoid videos of that kind and I saw it as a bad thing. I didn't want to be influenced. I see it as this is your journey. It's not I'm right you're wrong, it's I'm right but so are you. 

I mean we are more accepting of someone who sees someone's (let's say on Youtube) A and B and coming to a conclusion and making a video/blog about this assumption. Then we are the first someone having A and B and that conclusion being different than ours. It's like you're saying you know more about the person's life than they do, it's ridiculous

36, minutes, There is a woman that I want to be and until that point, I have work to do, see you when I see you.

Morning page #185

 Woke @ 11: 54 am because my mum needed to tell me my sister is coming to take some rice and other stuff from the house. I really need that stuff to stop. I was not born for you. Mum says so and so is coming to collect a bag and can you open the door and give it. I stay awake for hours but that person never comes. And that's my day taken away.

On the bright side, I wanted to write a morning page today so there's that. But I am awake and angry because of the above also my restart booked me an appointment (Phone but still) for today when I had one yesterday. It's clearly a mistake, I already have tao deal with universal credit and restart appointments in the same week. I am not having three appointments in the same week no way...go away.

Oh forgot to say I made myself a Masala tea.

Tea check: It's at drinking temperature.

I'm thinking a lot about things I will not be taking with me to the future. If it makes me mad/angry. Come to think of it this started when I was doing my princess trust in 2002 and a girl asked me

'if you could be/ do anything what would it be? 

She said 

'If money was not an option and if you didn't need to do any studying for it what it be, If I said you could do it right now,'

My answer was a nurse. It may or may not surprise you that this wasn't my truthful answer. I honestly had no idea at that point. I've been trying to figure it out that and asking myself what will make me happy.

Ok, I've calmed down a little and had a little realization that the reason I hate being woken up is the same reason I hate being pushed to go faster. My own pace is essential (I've said this before) Because you wake me up before I was meant to and that disturbs the natural order of things.

39 minutes, there is a woman I want to be and until that point, I have work to do, see you when I see you.

I had another realisation

...that I was living my life through the world's eyes and not God's. I first came to that conclusion at 21 when I realised my trying to get rid of my 'shyness' (in inverted commas because I don't identify with that word anymore) instead of accepting who I am.

The latest realization came to me while in my restart appointment. I always worry about explaining myself and giving the reason why I'm saying no to this or that. Because all I have is I don't need it or I don't want to because I'm me 100%. 

This year's self-improvement/self-development/ spiritual discovery has brought me to the conclusion that I have all I need within me. So I don't need to change anything.

Morning page #184

 Woke at 10: 30 am, exactly 10: am on the dot (no, I'm not sure about that one) I went to the toilet (number 1). Then I went to the kitchen, washed plates and made tea.

11:04 am, YouTube on Mac. Currently, Paula Cole's Where have all the cowboy's gone? A random thought that came into my head

 

'Is this the same person who sang the Dawson's creek theme?'

 

I'm pretty sure her name was/is Paula, because I don't know if she's still living. I probably won't look it up while I'm doing this.

 

I have a sore throat brewing so I have a dark mint and peppermint tea in front of me.

 

I'm trying to resist the urge to overanalyse trying to figure out what caused it. Is it the Twits salted caramel flavour (well that's clearly wrong) Twix

 

Tea check: still hot.

 

'Is it the new teas I brought?'

 

It's probably not the teas, but you never know. Leave it to beaver compilation because it was suggested by Link Neal (GMM). I love it, it is so funny. I wish there was a way I could watch it.

Speaking of GMM I am currently on season 8 episode 44. I'm thinking I'll be on to season 11 at least before the end of this year.

 

Tea check: It's at a drinking temperature.

 

I am working on creating my 2.0 self. The future me. My mind is at spring cleaning level (ha, I like that) the whole if it doesn't spark joy throw it away. I am constantly thinking I not only won't need it. I can't have it in my life in order to be happy.

Universal credit/ benefit/job centre.

Number 2: Feeling the need to explain why I do the things I do the way I do them.

 

Update: Paula cole (still alive) also sang I don't want to wait for Dawson's creek theme. Hmm, you learn something new every day.

 

Maureen Langan is hilarious (dry-bar comedy)

 

39 minutes, uh...what did I write before (trying to update this bit) not going to look it up. trying to create the best version of myself.

 

Uh...no...I had to look this one up because I have it written in my scrapbook.

 

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do. See you when I see you.