A realization of the reason.

Being asked why I was quiet was a regular accurses for me as a youngster, of which my answer was

‘I don’t know.’

Of course, it was, I was 8.

Today my answer to that question has changed, maybe I'm just able, to be honest about the answer. Although I haven’t been asked that question in years. I’ve answered it for no one else but myself.

So random person who asked me that here’s the truth.

I am quiet because I feel safer,

yea that’s the truth. Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this inner monologue of ‘Am I right, Am I wrong?’. As a young kid, I was always afraid of being wrong. For me it wasn’t about being embarrassed it was purely about being wrong but maybe I need to say embarrassed to make you understand.

Being wrong/ embarrassed for a normal person is like ‘Yes, it happened, I wish it didn’t, but I can eventually move on,’

For me, it was the worst that could happen. That’s not the worst like all the people around me pointing and laughing. It’s the ground opening and swallowing me whole. Of course, the sane part of my brain knows that probably won’t happen.

One time I was in one of those many many confidence-building classes I did because I thought my goal was to get rid of my shyness when it was to accept who I am. A teacher asked me

‘Have you ever been outside London?’

I said no, I was too busy thinking this answer should be right or else. That sort of intense thinking makes you forget simple detail, like the fact that I went to Weymouth in primary school Or Paris come to think of it in secondary school (twice). Speaking of, I would never put my hand up even if I was sure I was right.

As a proud Nigerian my parents regularly spoke Yoruba in the house. I can honestly say if one of my teachers asked the question.

‘Name a language spoken in Nigeria?’

I would not have put my hand up.

Being a curious person led me to wonder and try to discover the reason for this feeling, the reason that has taken me 30 years (give or take) to work out and accept is…now before I say this word, I want you to know that every first thought you think I thought it. From the

‘That’s ridiculous,’

to the

‘No, I don’t,’

Imagine you’re doing a 1000-piece puzzle and put the last piece down. Then you realise one piece is missing. ‘Did you accidentally throw it away? ‘Did the shop forget to add it?’ You leave it because it’s not even that noticeable. Years pass and you're moving, you lift the couch and there in the middle is that damn puzzle piece.

‘Oh…it’s the realization of the reason,’

Those first thoughts were what I thought when the word autism first came up. Like I said I went through all the stages. I was told the story of when I was 1 year old (Nursery teachers thought I might have it) after my 30s.

My reaction:

‘Oh, here we go, just because I didn’t talk much you want to label me with autism,’

I left it for years and I mean years until I somehow found myself on the section of the internet that was females diagnosed later in life, I didn’t even know that was an option (thank God for Tiktok) I watched and I watched while I watched I wasn’t thinking, ‘Not applicable,’ I was thinking with every video I watched that, Yes, I have felt all these things, I thought it was a me thing. That was the last but one realisation that led me to the truth. It was the second time I have felt this way the first being when I met people who were struggling just as much as me with their confidence (Get a life throwback) Truth is I only feel safe about sharing who I really am when I know there are people out there like me. I wish it wasn’t the case, I wish I could just be happy with who I am even if I’m the only one, but that’s not how my brain works. I eventually saw my missing piece, once the penny dropped.

You know when you have a near-death experience they say your life flashes before your eyes, granted it wasn’t near death. I had these moments in my life I went back to like when I was asked a question and I gave an answer, and that person came back with a ‘why do you feel that way?’ (In their own words). I had no idea what to say because that’s not how I would have answered in the first place. So why did I say that in the first place, I would guess the way you wanted me to and answer accordingly.

For those whose first thought was ridiculous, no you don't...etc etc,'. You think that because your image of autism is of the autistic kid that is portrayed in TV and movies. While that image is the truth it's not the whole truth, I believe it's also why it was my first thought. I know better today; I know that autism is a spectrum. Meaning there isn't one way to be it. Even for the fact that we have different names for these different autisms Asperger's syndrome, PDA, CDD to name a few. That alone should raise red flags that autism is not the same for every person.

Don’t feel bad that I’m only realizing this now. Don’t even feel sad that you think I’ve got it wrong, and autism is not what I am.

First of all as someone who is me 100%, I can tell you that your feelings are not valid, but you're entitled to them all the same. Secondly, this isn’t something that I landing on and was like ‘well I guess that’ this is something that was put in front of me and ignored.

For the first time in years, I have been able to give myself a break for not being able to do the simplest things like talking to people on the phone or generally just talk to people. I spoke of it as a near-death experience earlier (in this post) that’s what it truly feels like. My life has already begun to change.

Well, that’s my story…so far.

I’ll see you when I see you.