Morning Page #226 out of my life this year.

 Woke up at 7:30 weed how do I even write it,. It looks like weed the drugs (Maybe wee'd) I didn't wash any dishes ( except the one I used last night) because there weren't many in there. 

7: 38 am Family Guy season 7 on my laptop. It usually stops running during the night and I just play the season of the time. Hence why season 7 is playing. Though I would add the minutes together, today was different. a cup of afternoon tea, without milk. Just the way my dad used to drink it. It's stuff like that init. The little things you remember.

Let's talk about pet peeves. I have a million of them, there's a lot of them. Too many to count, every single one of these would make my life easier. like when we run out of milk and I have to drink it black. 

Tea check: Still hot.

When I'm in a car and I see a dirty car. It makes me want to be sick.

Unesscsssary mess, It's not the dishes in the sink. It's not what my room looks like (clutter) It's the used tissues on the counter when the bin is right there.

My nose is hayfever suffering. I'm currently thinking about the fact I have to go out three times next week. Concentrating on the fact that after that restart will be over. I dare you to give me another appointment after, I dare you. Also concentrating on my new business. I have a wicked brilliant idea. I can't wait to start. It's very successful. My goal is to start this year. Actually, my real goal is to get universal credit out of my life this year. Explaining my feelings that is no way to live. I will change the system. It will be different in the future if I have anything to do with it.

Tea check: drinkable, (If you can call it that)

Dad, why did you enjoy it this way?

Health, he just said to me.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

30 minutes see you when I see you.

I'm noting that it was also 30 minutes yesterday.

Morning page #225

 Woke from a nice long sleep and remembered a dream about the future. It was 10:38 when I went to the kitchen. Washed plates and made myself a cup of tea. 

11:19 am a cup of...it's the tea that comes in powder (with milk btw). I didn't realise that was a thing, I'm never going back.

I've written a morning page 5 days in a row. You just haven't seen them yet (or ever) because I decided not to publish them. I wonder if I'll show them when I publish this book. Because God...

Tea check: Still hot.

...just told me to do that when I have filled this notebook (without the unpublished ones). Ooh, maybe I'll publish it later as an extra/bonus, these are just ideas.

This is one of those morning pages where you know what you're going to write. but when you get to it you've forgotten it all. 

Ok, the first thing that springs to mind.

I'm thinking of...you know who....hmmm what can I call him because he's no longer a crush. Mate crush left the room 10 years ago.

Tea check: drinkable.

He is not a horrible person. I think If I had told him I was feeling him he probably would have said 

'Uh...Esther I think you're a great girl but...I'm seeing someone or just see you as a friend,' It's just a punch in the face init.

But honestly, I also think about what he looks like now. Does he have long hair and still wear glasses. Or did I make that up, remembered it wrong and he always had long hair and never wore glasses. These are the things I think about. When I dream of him I see him the last time I saw him which was a good 16 years ago. Come to think of it I don't usually see his face but I know it's him from his presence or whatever. It's like back in the day when my siblings and I lived in the same house. My brother would say

'How do you know it's me coming up the stairs,'

'I know your footsteps,'

I wonder how many people experience this or don't actually. 

Septic: It's just the shoes, you memorized the sound of his shoes.

Listen don't burst my bubble, okay.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

28 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #224

 Woke at 9...something but it was 9: 38 when I went to the kitchen. No washing plates today sometimes you just don't feel it. I always feel my morning cup of tea though. Did some job search and saw the time was 11:11. Ok might as well write a morning page.

11: 27 am I've finished my cup of Graze black tea. Currently watching (and now I need to wee again) Family Guy which I slept to on the laptop.

Ok, currently things in my head/ what I am stressing about.

Number one: work-based benefit (The things I need to do to please others)

Hi, my name is Esther, I am a recovering people pleaser.

Ya, I'm going to need to pause this. 11: 30 am.

Back 11:36 am

The thing about recovery is it's still there In small doses but it's still there. All that stuff feels like I'm dragging it behind me in a heavy bag. At least it's 10% not 90. That's how I know I'm not in...uh...not living...um...not in my authentic life. Not living the way God intended when I was a thought in his eyes. My goal is to let that bag go.

Number two: The one that got away, but did he really...I believe in everything happens for a reason. That's why I didn't push myself to be vocal about how I really felt. First of all that gift is not in my toolbox (Notice I wrote is not). Secondly, I felt strongly that If it's meant to be it will be. I will be in a relationship with this guy or I will learn the lesson I haven't seen yet. I can honestly say the latter was definitely true. Yet to witness if the first was also true. Only time will tell.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

27 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #223

 I work from a dream remembered. Went to the kitchen at 8:30 am and made myself a cup of tea. 

9: 16 am cup of mint raspberry and lemon tea in front of me. Family Guy season 8 is on my laptop. Might need to get a new one soon the E doesn't work properly.

Tea check: drinkable

It is very frustrating to be a different person inside but my environment is the same. I don't have the tools to explain where I am coming from. I wish more people understood that someone who is searching for work at age 25 and below is different from someone searching for work at age 30 and above. That 3 mini-course I did for them. The only thing it gave me is more reasons to overthink. I think that their success is different from mine. Theirs is getting a job everything else is just noise. My goal is improving and growing, number one happiness. The Job is a bonus. I can not keep going like this for a month let alone another five years. I just wish I could make people believe understand what I was saying always, that would be my preferred superpower. 

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.