Morning pages #115

 10:27am cup of peppermint and strawberry tea in front of me. 

I was watching Wentworth now I’m not (In that I paused it not that I switched it off).

Anyway, I was thinking about the list I mentioned the other day.

‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’

There’s three on my list so far

Number one: Drama, self-explanatory

Number two: High expectations from myself and others.

Number three: To…(how would I put this...) to worry less about the things I can not control. 

Like for example, if I forget to do something it’s not on purpose. Yet I still tell myself I should have remembered, these things are out of my control. It just ruins the day because now that’s all I’m thinking about. 

You know I won’t be able to get rid of it all together because that’s just how my brain works. I might be able to calm it down a little, it’s that strive for perfection thing that is now in me. 

I mean you can’t just erase 30 years even if it is a learnt thing and not something that has always been. I’ve learnt to accept that this is me and I just need better ways to cope with what I’ve been dealt with. Like no matter how much I want this to be a cartoon it’s real life and I won’t ever be able to get rid of my negative voice. I can at least quiet it and calm it down.

19 minutes, see you when I see you.  

Morning pages #114

 11:18 am cup of tea in front of me. History cold case on prime video on the mac. I figure I either must stop the subscription or start using it more. I choose the latter. My opinion (though I’m keeping the subscription) Prime video is still not worth it despite the fact you can Binge some shows/ movies that are not on Netflix. I’ve been binge-watching the mentalist literary haven’t seen that show in years. It’s too many added costs, £1:89 an episode, are you kidding. I also have Adele’s ‘To be loved, definitely my favourite song on the ‘30’ album. 

I was recently thinking about…my process, I guess. 

I started writing something titled ‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’ I might share it in the future, I might not. This list will not be completed today. It might not even be completed next year, that’s my process. This is the reason writing is enough for me and why I know therapy won’t work. 

In the short story If I have a problem that one thing is 3, talking to another makes it 10. I’m not going to go into why that’s a morning page for another day. Being older has taught me what I need and what I need number one is to be able to go at my own pace. Writing does that, I have notebooks of writing where I have titles like that one. But me discovering writing as a tool was a slow process. I didn’t realise how happy I got in Primary school when we had to design and write our own kids book (unfinished but mine was called going to school or something like that) Or when I ignored the positive feelings from being told by an English teacher in my secondary school a poem I had written was in her words ‘really good,’ I didn’t even take my writing seriously when I was coming out of depression in 2006 and God said, ‘just write it down.’ It took years later a year after I decided to write my first book. 2008 at a friends hip-hop week was when I decided yea, I’m going to give this writing thing a try. When I wrote something I liked. Not only that I thought to myself this sounds like it came from someone else. 

There are two reasons I write more than I talk.

One is mental health, I guess the second kind of incorporates the first. I don’t want to turn into a certain someone. This is why I write down memories, Being transparent here it’s one of my worst fears.

41 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #113

11: 20 am, woke to an audiobook on YouTube. Audiobooks make reading much easier. If not I would have to read each page twice and I’d read a book a year (if that).

Bowl of fruit in front of me. It's common for me to have a bowl of fruit for breakfast. 15-year-old Esther would not approve. I’m also listening to my liked songs on Spotify. Currently Santana’s smooth playing.

Man I'm bursting for the loo…ok, pause, 11:30am

Ok, back,…11:46, no I wasn’t doing a number two. I was trying to buy electricity and gas. A few months ago the website changed. I’ve even been using guests to pay because I can’t get into my account, ridiculous. Currently playing Stomp by Steps, ah nostalgia. That’s what most of my liked list is ’90s cheesy (no offence Steps) feel-good music. So now you know my taste in music.

15 minutes, See you when I see you.

Estherology 2021

ESTHEROLOGY 2021 (the last update of this was 2018, let's see what has changed. I predict not much) Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology".

***********FOODOLOGY*************** 

What is your salad dressing of choice? Mayonnaise 

What is your favourite sit-down restaurant? KFC, I'm a girl of simple tastes.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Scrambled eggs, though I'm trying not to eat them every day, it's tough.

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Sausage or any king of meat. Still love pineapple though. What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house? One

What colour cell phone do you have? I have two White and purple (don't ask)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts)

What is the last heavy item you lifted? The TV, the living room has been changed twice since the last I wrote this. It was recently changed back to its original.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No, but I have fainted at least twice.

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, because then my whole life would be focused on that day.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No, I don't like spice. 

************DUMBOLOGY****************** 

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Never

The last person, you talked to? Mum

The last person, you hugged? I can't remember #corona 

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season? Summer

Holiday? Christmas

Day of the week? Saturday

Month? August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone? Just friends I haven't seen in a while and family in Nigeria

Mood? Happy and Relaxed

What are you listening to? Grace for purpose's bedtime prayer

Watching? See above, it's on YouTube.

**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning? The Bathroom

What's the last movie you saw? America: the motion picture. I've been getting really into adult animated comedy. Some anime, but I think most of it is problematic.

Do you smile often? Yes :)

Sleeping Alone Tonight? Yes, unfortunately.

***************OTHER-OLOGY***************** 

Do you always answer your phone? Very rarely, and only if I recognise the number.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Some kind of notification.

If you could change your eye colour what would it be? I wouldn't, I do still think blue is sexy eye colour.

What flavour do you add to your drink at Sonic? Still haven't tried this. I don't think it's a new thing. 

Do you own a digital camera? Yes, but the charger is missing.

Have ever had a pet fish? No.

Favourite Christmas song(s) Last Christmas: Wham (hands down)

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A good time.

Can you do push-ups? That's gonna be a no from me.

Can you do a chin-up? I haven't tried.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? 100% excited.

Do you have any saved texts? Yes, two.

Ever been in a car wreck? No 14) Do you have an accent? Probably a London accent.

What is the last song to make you cry? Sun goes down by Lil Naz X.

Plans tonight? Sleep.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yea, it's happened twice in my life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Nothing, I was in my room.

Have you ever been given roses? I wish.

Current worry? I try to do that less.

Current hate right now? N/A.

Met someone who changed your life? You.

How will you bring in the New Year? Probably lying in bed, that's my prediction.

What song represents you? God in me by Mary Mary.

Name three people who might complete this? No one will be honest.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Nope.

Do you have any tattoos/piercings? Just ears pierced.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? I'm going to gamble on the answer being no :(

Does anyone love you? A few people yes. I will continue to believe that one person is in love with me until I hear otherwise.

Would you be a pirate? er.........no.

What songs do you sing in the shower? Lately, it's been church songs. Possible because my mum wakes at 5am every day to sing to them.

Ever had someone sing to you? No.

When did you last cry? Last week (the reason is none of your business)

Do you like to cuddle? yea.

Have you held hands with anyone today? Nope.

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Myself.

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? pop mainly, top 40 stuff, and a few '60s.

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects? lol, If I had any I wouldn't. I am friends with that one prospect so, yea.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old.

Do you like pulpy orange juice? I like it all.

What is something your friends make fun of you for? My friends don't make fun of me, other people make fun of the volume (or lack of) in my voice.

Morning Pages #112 What's different?

Well, hello old friend, 11:55am, a grave box mug of tea and above inspirational YouTube channel’s Motivational prayer on my mac. It’s been 4 months.

A few things have changed from the last entry. Firstly we have a new family member, my 2-month-old niece Valerie. What a beautiful name, she is a blessing. My mum’s mum died 3 months ago, both these things happened in October just that my niece was born at the end of the month and the death came at the beginning of the month. Which is also the day I got saved 15 years ago. Some may call that a coincidence I like to call it a sign from God. I already decided months ago that there was no chance I was ever going to the funeral. My reason being funerals are a celebration of life and I don’t celebrate her. Really you don’t want me there I hated that woman, The only people that should be there should be the people that loved you. 

I’m exercising more, I registered with a GP in November. I haven’t been registered for years ever since my mum came back and said you know you’re no more registered with your doctor ( I hadn’t been there in a while). My original reason for doing this was to get the ball rolling for getting an autism diagnosis. I originally thought that I didn’t need it, that just knowing was enough. Plus, I was worried if they said, ‘Not autistic,’ what that would mean for me going forward, I was praying to God that if they do say that please give me another option in the same breath. I had a check-up and what came from that is I’m overweight. It’s nothing new to me I mean I have scales in my bathroom, and I weigh myself (not every day) I know my BMI is high. At other times I would have just ignored this a said ‘I don’t look it,’ or ‘I don’t feel fat,’. This time I decide ok. I’m going to take the doctor seriously. I downloaded a few apps to help the weight loss, one calorie counter, one yoga and one exercise app. In fact, when I’m done with this, I’m going to tackle those. 

My sleep has been better I’m getting at least 9 a night nowadays. I don’t think it's just because I decided to note down the hours, I sleep every day. I’ve only been doing this since the 16th of November. 

I’m slowly starting to unlearn the habits (that helped destroy me mentally) I’ve had since I was a child. 

Number one people-pleasing: I promise to be honest with myself, If I’m not at least 85% in it I will say no, that’s been a change for the people asking. I think they think I’m joking, but I have got to stick with my guns because if it’s a choice between you and me I can’t afford to choose anyone but myself. 

Number two the overthinking and overanalysing: Instead of thinking I should have done this or I should have done that. I think this is how it was meant to be today. I would wake up and lie in bed strolling on my phone thinking what should I do first, shower or eat breakfast. Next thing you know hours have passed. Now I just let it happen naturally. I can get up and decide to get some water in the kitchen, then decide to eat breakfast first. Or vice versa use the toilet and decide to shower first. I’m trying to allow myself to enjoy the journey and not worry too much about the things I don’t know today, like what is going to happen in the future. 

50 minutes, I guess I had a lot to say, lol See you when I see you.