Morning pages #94

11:31 AM, a cup of spiced orange and mint tea in front of me...yea.
I came across an app yesterday that helps you to develop habits. If you want to lose weight or wake up early in the morning, for example, it's called 21 days. I started the happiness one, the first day is to listen to your favourite song. That’s a long list, to be honest.

Darius colourblind is playing right now.

I'm thinking if I should start more than one challenge at the same time, there’s one called declutter. I've been slipping up with my morning routine and my challenge to write in my book every day. I haven't written a morning page since the 19th of April. Yesterday I did a full yoga routine 17 and a bit minutes, I was very proud of myself. So, we’re starting today I woke up at 11:09 am, that's the time I set for my take a selfie a day challenge, which I have been slipping up on lately. I can tell you this for nothing it won't be 366 photos.

14 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #93

11:27 AM, a cup of green tea and six crackers and butter. That's what it's come to, not really. We've just run out bread is all. Highway to Heaven on my Mac. Finish the whole series so I'm watching it again.

I'm thinking about suicide (not for me). it's a very worrying time and I know a lot of people are feeling uncertainty.
I wish I could hug each one of you, but I can't. I wrote something on my Facebook group for encouragement.

I hope it helped someone out there.
9 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #92

10:48 AM, A cup of hot water and lime in front of me. season three of Highway to Heaven on my TV.

I'm writing this on my kitchen table (and not my coffee table) for two days in a roll. I need to do that more often. I usually do it on my bed And I know that's not good for me.

Just stop to write something I'm going to put on Facebook, on my depression group. believe me, social media is an excellent distraction in the current madness of the world.

Here's what I wrote
binge-watching highway to heaven and it got me thinking.

What would your Guardian Angel say to you?

Everything will be okay
Or
don't be so hard on yourself.
Or
give yourself a break.

what about you?

So what about you?
18 minutes, see you when I see mute.   

Morning pages #91

10:07 AM, a cup of hot water in front of me, only water.

I hate it when I need to use the...(I was going to write that email about I can't find out how to spell it) I know how to say it 'mo fi yag be,' But I know that's the wrong spelling. I need to poo. I'm going to have to pause this.

Sometimes I like to thank God, 4 remind me to turn the cooker or not making me late for my jobcentre appointments (although I was late once) my work coach says she'll sanction me if I'm late no exceptions, which to me seems unfair if it's under your control, but it's just me.

25 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #90 to post or not to post

733 AM, a cup of green tea in front of me. Haven't been to sleep, I've been the binge-watching highway to heaven, but that's not why I didn't sleep. I'm feeling frustrated and angry, again not why I haven't slept. It's the demon, aka my grandmother.

Morning pages for me is about my honest feelings. I probably won't put it on my blog, but I will put it in the book I'm planning.

...so anyway my honest feeling, I hate her, and that's the truth no two ways about it. See when I was younger I just accepted that that's just the way she is. The walking on eggshells attitude you know flipping a coin and whatever the outcome what's wrong and how dare you to choose that one. No, when I went through my depressions and came out the other side, I stopped treating myself like something on the bottom of my shoe. Which radically changed my relationship with her. I don't accept it from myself no way in hell I'm taking it from someone else. When I look at the demon I don't see the times I would hide in my room, and she would bring me food snacks…I just stopped to think about what other good things she did for me and I can't. I guess being born because I wouldn't be here if she weren't….I see horns and red eyes, aka the demon.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: I decided to put this on the blog, it's about my honest feelings after all       

Morning Pages #89

11:24 AM, a cup of hot water and lime in front of me. Ferris Bueller's day off on my TV in the living room on Netflix without doing some magic with a connection, I love how far we've come. I thought I'd go for an 80's night. Next, I'll be watching 'The Breakfast Club' (love that movie, my top 10)  Then Annie maybe.

I'm doing well with my write something for my book every day, but then again this is only the second day. I think I procrastinate so much because I think about what to write when I start writing words flow.

God said to me you need to be brutal. When you are looking at the blank page wondering what to write next leave it and come back to it later time. Even if all you've written is three words.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.
 

Morning Pages #88

6:45 AM, a cup of water and fresh garlic in front of me, I'm sold. a packet of crisps (two to be exact) don't judge me. Silent Witness on my Mac.

I was woken up to print something out for my mum so I might as well do this now.

it's my mums annual Good Friday celebration. this year for the first time going live, for obvious reasons.

I think I finally found my flow with the second book. I wrote a bit yesterday. I think I'm going to have to be serious about my approach if I'm going to finish this book this year, like writing something every day.

I tell a lie it was three packets of crisps.

14 minutes, see you when I see you    

Morning Pages #87

10:56 AM, a cup of fresh garlic and water in front of me. I think it's going to be like anything I have ever added to water (lime, lemon, ginger) bitter, I'll let you know.

my mom asked me to go shopping the other day
'No way, I'm not leaving this house until the government says it's safe,'
is she serious, I mean she must be joking. I said no, and she said coronavirus doesn't affect you; it only affects people over 60. What...does she think only people over 60 have died so far, doesn't she care that I might die.
That's is why I don't understand people I see out my window who are not just doing exercise. I've seen one person who was doing exercise since self-isolation. I have to trust these people work for the NHS, supermarkets (I tell a lie; it's been more than one person, people with their kids) Or going for a walk.

My hands stink of garlic still. That's a downside that will stop me drinking it, regardless of how it tastes. I know it won't be amazing.

I don't know about my fellow introverts, but I am loving self- isolation. I do not love why we're here, and I worry, I think I worry a normal amount. Honestly, I would say I'm more worried about what's going to happen after.

If you are struggling with self-isolation, I would say think about the positives these are just five of mine.

1 I don't have to do anything and I don't have to go anyway.
2 I'm cooking more.
3 I have plenty of time to watch the 100 plus shows I need to catch up on.
4 My worries are less at least temporarily because of number one.
5 it's got to me back into yoga and meditation.

I hope you all are OK remember
'Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day,'
focus on that.

22 minutes, see you when I see you this week.

Morning pages #86

11:25, a cup of water and fresh ginger in front of me. My mum drinks water and fresh garlic... Yeah, I know. But you know my motto in life is

'Don't knock it till you try it,' (within reason)

One of these days I will try it. Still binge-watching hustle. I don't know if I wrote this yesterday (and I'm not going to check) I went back to suits and stopped watching (I feel like I might have said wrote something about this yesterday)

Anyway, where was I...I'm going to try and write and cross off the said, I have crossed out words in my writing before just couldn't find out how to do it. Which is funny because I've always seen it before.

uh... It oh it's after one episode I'm not feeling the last season... Ok, 100-percent sure I said it in in yesterday's morning pages.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #85

10:05 a.m. A cup of peppermint tea in front of me. it's my favourite type of that tea because I’m a girl of simple tastes, Suits on my Mac.

I went back after I left it for a few weeks. I can't remember what I was watching instead, but I do remember that I wasn’t into the season I stopped at, Season 7 (the last episode to be exact) Many reasons one being I didn't like one of the new actors, I hate when that happens. Which is funny because I liked him in another show, I loved him in another show.  That spoils my enjoyment of it. It's all very well having celebrities I know or a good story and 90% brilliant actors, but that one person ruins it for me. Makes me not want to watch it at all. It's like me and fish with bones. I just want to put the food in my mouth and chew, I don't want to have to eat slowly and watch out for bones.

The demon is pissing me off.

I'm not feeling you Suits Season 8. I might just go back to Hustle. This is like the 5th time I've binge-watched the whole season since the self-isolation.

21 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #84

11:21 a.m, another day another season of hustle.

No nothing because my mum is doing the live broadcast and I don't want to disturb her right now. I'm sitting on the second bed the one that isn't my own to stop the demon (aka my grandma) from going into the living room. The reason I call her that (not to her face mind you) is because that's what she has become to me, that's how she behaves. It's not the fact that she doesn't shut up, even if she isn't talking there is still sound coming out of her mouth. She makes an mmm mmm sound that is like a foghorn. Zero common sense, zero sympathies. I think the one reason I hate her it's because she doesn't use her brain. I know that just as much as I know I'm in love and have been for 5 years (pretty sure that the guy could work out who he is if he read that)

Between you and me I don't think it's always because she can't. I know it sometimes is she's 99 just like her forgetting where the bathroom is occasionally or not being able to decide whether to go to the living room or to lie down in bed. The demon is the smartest person I know, but she's also a nuisance and a pain. You know I pick out the things I think she does on purpose, but what I don't know for sure. No one is there to tell me it's because of the age or she can't help it all I have is my gut. I am a see the good in it type of girl. She is the reason I spend my spear time doing brain teaser games and Candy Crush games because I don't want to turn out like her. Everyone around me talks about its old age so I'm doing everything I can right now to stop that happening to me. It would be my worst fear so much so that if I end up like her I would want someone to kill me.

Wow, that's deep, It was my only one rule when I why I started this morning pages. I edit, I edit a bit (using Grammarly) I am a perfectionist after all. It doesn't stop me being 100% honest in these morning pages the fact that I actually post them. I think that maybe the reason the person who made morning pages (or at least wrote a book about it recently) made that  rule is because you'd be free to say what you like no filter, along with other reasons, creativity etc etc.

My grandma came to this country when I was 7 or 8 and from what I know now it's the worst thing that happened to me, good for her, but for me not so much. The only way I can describe her is poison. Not gonna lie I blame my mum for bringing her here because she didn't think of the whole family. Just like I blame her for not listening to my nursery teachers who said I should be tested, but that's a story for another day. What I want to know, is this how she has always been. The reason I don't ask my mum is the same reason I don't ask a job I didn't get for feedback; I don't want to know (or at least I'm scared to know) the answer. I'm hoping that she was not like this when my mum was growing up. My Grandma has had an eventful life, none of which excuses behaviour. She's the reason why one of my mottos (not sure that is the right word) is I don't care what you've been through the way you treat people is a choice (life rules perhaps) still doesn't sound right. That's going to be on my mind now.

Ps: I chickened out and change the year, so 5 years it's not the correct number it could be more it could be less, you will never know.

1/5 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #83

11:21 am cup of tea in front of me no. I recently brought a box of PG Tips from Amazon, that's what it's come to. Days after I ordered it my mum ordered some shopping from the social workers. They have this thing to do your shopping if you are vulnerable and we get that because my grandma is 99 years old.

BBC Hustle on my Mac don't get it twisted I still prefer windows, but mac is better for watching shows on.

Reason 1: I don't like it, it doesn't have Microsoft word and I can't download it for reasons that are beyond my control, plus I don't have an Apple ID (not that I need one to use it hence why I'm watching shows on it,)

Hustle is such an underrated show, it's brilliant. Starred Adrian Lester, Marc Warren, Robert Glenister, Robert Vaughn and Jamie Murray.

I'm trying to see the positive of self-isolation or quarantine whatever you want to call it. Notice I say isolation and not Coronavirus. I worry (maybe anxious is a better word) about the coronavirus, but not as much as I worry about spending my time wisely. Which I'm trying not to focus on. I started a yoga and meditation 30-day challenge yesterday, of course, I did.

April fool's Day was yesterday. All-day I was thinking I was just going to wake up from a dream, that someone was going to say it was all just one big joke.

20-minutes, see you when I see you.