Yoga meditation

Friday I went to a Yoga meditation class in Dulwich library.
As usual I was uming and ahing. I didn't want to go because of...reasons.
This class meets every Friday and it's free. So there's 2 cons right there,
bonus it's so close to me.
I woke up tired and decided it would be ok if  I went next week. But I couldn't get Gods voice out of my head telling me

"Just go, you won't regret it"

4:30pm, I was out my house. Got there with time to spare. And no I didn't regret it.
To be honest I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean I know nothing about meditation, full stop.
They talked about you're inner self and not letting the bad stuff effect you.
You know sometimes it's not easy to stay positive. You can be the most positive person in the world, but negativity will always seep through.
I'm so glad I went. Because when the teacher was explaining how meditation worked all I kept thinking to my self.
'Yes, that's exactly what I want. It's exactly what I need. This will help me'
You can't control how the world acts to you, but you can control how you react to the world. Like the saying goes

'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.'

So that's where I am. I never thought I'd be a person who meditates. But I can't not I have no good reason not to. All I need to do now is remember to meditate every day...hummm I wonder how I'll remember to do this every day. The thing I always use to remind myself to do something, alarm on my phone.

X
Embrace the real you, don't ever let someone tell you can't.

Tea walk

I had seen other walks advertised on meetup.com, Ghost walks, Tour of London...etc etc.
I knew that if I was going to go on one it had to be for something I loved.
So when I saw the tea walk I thought...yes this is perfect.
Typically British my whole family drinks tea in bucket loads. Ever since I can remember the drinking of tea has been in my family.
I remember fasting in the morning before church when I was a kid and the breaking the fast with tea and fruits.
The walk started off badly because I forgot to print out the address and was early I got lost.
I walked around in a circle for a while, I thought I was never going to find this meeting point. Just when I had given up and decided to go home I saw Lera I reconsidered her from her picture.
We started with some tea tasting and ended with in a tea house in Liverpool street.
I actually never knew that theses places existed I thought it was just coffee.
I enjoyed the talking part of the walk more than the walking. I think it's ridiculous on my part that I'm a Londoner born and raised and I didn't know any of this.
All in all it was a brilliant day I enjoyed looking at the pictures of the past and comparing them to today. The weather wasn't too bad just a bit windy but, living in London you expect that.
The walk took about 4 hours but to be honest I didn't really notice that, I didn't check the time I was having too much of a great day.
I would definitely recommend anyone who loves tea and wants to revisit their passion for tea or even if you just want to learn more about London (tea wise).
Even through my family loves and drinks tea, I've never tried the ones we tried on this walk. I will definitely look into drinking look into drinking more of this type of tea.
I will be coming again maybe next time I'll bring my mum I think she'd really enjoy it.

Through the eyes of you're peers (Poem)

There's this girl in my class.
I don't know why I'm talking about her.
I just need to get it off my chest.
She never speaks
I mean as far as I know she's capable
Far as I know she's not restricted.
She's just lazy.
I think the only time I hear her speak is when our teacher takes the register.
Our teacher tells us the lesson and this girl still won't speak.
She doesn't understand any off it yet she'll just say nothing.
Our teacher has to psychically walk over and explain it to her.
Like I said, lazy
It's none of my business I know.
She's not even one of my friends.
I just find it frustrating.
If she just made an effort and stopped being so lazy her life would be so much better.

What took them so long

Went back to 'Loose women' today and all I can say is it's about time. Coleen Nolan as head chair, yes please more of that. In all the years I've watched this show I've always wondered why this hasn't happend before. I thought she did really well, even though she was really nervous inside it didn't show. she was her usual funny self and she didn't mess up once. I hope this isn't a one time thing.
I used to love 'Steps' so Clare Richards was a nice surprise. Jane was great as usual and Nadia was very funny

Getting back to things you love

Yesterday I went to watch 'Loose Women' at the London Studios in Waterloo. As usual I went back and forth about going. I woke up at 10am and got out my house at 10:30. The journey was going to take me about an hour. I could have taken another bus that would have taken me 30 minutes, but I decided to take the first bus no matter what if I'm late, I'm late.
I made it in the nick of time
The show was great and very funny.  The topics were interesting and the panel looked beautiful. I've actually been to watch shows in a studio (BBC studios, Fountain studios...etc etc) a few times, so many times I've lost count.
To be honest I haven't watched 'Loose Women' in a while, probably about the same time I went to a TV studio which was about 4 years ago.
The thing I love about watching shows at TV studios (apart from it being free) is it feels like the first time every single time I go. I still look at it with the same amazement I did the first time I came to a TV studios (which was 'Celebrities under pressure'). I laugh at the same jokes from the warm up guy, even though I've never seen this warm up guy before.

My history with God

I’m from a Christian background. My mum was and still is a senior Pastor.

 So I grew up going to church on Sunday. Fasting in the morning and breaking with tea and fruits when we came back.

I was 14 years old when I first said the sinner’s prayer and I remember it like it was yesterday.  We were all at Mission to London in Earls Court.

Anyway two boys were arguing

One was saying if your parents are saved that means you are too.

The other was saying you have to make that decision for yourself.

I sided with the first boy, I don’t know why. I think deep down I knew it was wrong, which is why I went home that night and said the sinner’s prayer.

I left school with disappointing grades...disappointing for me. For one reason and one reason only I didn’t study.

Soon as I got home I put my books away (unless I had homework) and didn’t pick it up until school the next day.

The following year I was retaking my GCSE’s. I felt like it was going the same way as my original GCSE’s so I left. Actually I lost my college ID one day and instead of asking for another I just used it as an excuse.

A few courses and years past and it was 2006. I was on job seekers allowance. I had done an introduction to childcare and was doing a NVQ in childcare. A lot of things happened, like me missing my appointment to see one nursery and one nursery saying yes and then saying they found someone else.

That was the first time I went through depression, only I didn’t know what it was all I knew is I was sad a lot and didn’t want to do anything. That lasted for 6 months. At the end I was soaking wet with tears and with a knife in my hands I looked up and said

“Help me please”

I’ll tell you right now and you can believe it or not God actually took the knife out of my hand.                                    

The next day my brother said

“Esther, why don’t you come to church tomorrow”

God said

“Do it, you asked and I’m telling you”

The date was 8^th October 2006

The Pastor prayed and I made sure my hand was seen and that was it I was saved.

Again things happened, courses completed and years past.

2009, it was the same way it happened last time. I was on a NVQ childcare.

This time it lasted for 5 years, I’d be worrying

‘I’m late twenties, I need to do something before it’s too late.’

God would say

“Don’t stress your age doesn’t matter when you’re ready you’ll start”

Thanks to God after visiting my GP for a third time. I found out that I could check into a hospital at anytime.

Today my relationship with God is the best it’s ever been. Just like eating and peeing I talk to him every day.

I don’t need to go to church or put my hands together. I don’t even need to close my eyes all I need to do is open my mouth. Talking to God is like breathing. This is why when God tells me to do something I just do it.  No arguments because God sees the bigger picture. He knows me better than anyone in the world. He knows how I’ll feel and how I’ll act.

At the end of the day it’s about you. People can say this and they can say that, but when it comes down to it. It’s going to be between you and God. It will be you and only you standing at the gates of heaven when you die.

The day I decided enough was enough

I had been putting it off and putting it off. Ever since I went to my GP and he told me...

“You know you can check yourself into the hospital at any time”

I’d tell myself yes next week.  it was always Monday, Wednesday or Friday.

Those were the days everyone in the house went to church so the house was empty.

But every time 9PM would come and I’d still be in bed.

This continued for months

God was telling me

‘You need to do this...They won’t turn you away they can’t...All the future plans you have in your head starts with you checking yourself into hospital’

Another day came and went then it was

Wednesday 26^th March 2014

Everyone had left before 7PM so I took that as a sign.  

At 7:28 I had a shower brushed my teeth and dressed up.  It was 8:30 and I made sure I had everything. I checked the weather realising it was cold I put on another jacket.

That’s it I was out the door, there was no turning back. I couldn’t even if I wanted to I was locked out. I would have to go all the way down to where my mum’s church is.

When I got to the main road I realised two things.

One I haven’t been on a bus on a bus in a while. I know they don’t sell bus passes any more (Only Oyster top ups) will I be able to pay my fare.

Two I forgot to write down how to get there. After a mountain of uming and ahing I went for bus 12 because I vaguely remember seeing it in the ‘how to get there section’

I arrived at the hospital at 9:30PM and went to the Reception I’d still be there now if I didn’t ask where to check in.

Answer: A and E...seams obvious, it’s my fault for watching too much TV.

I got to A and E took my ticket and waited my turn.

It took me...I’d say 2 hours to eventually see a psychiatrist.  

I spoke honestly and the best thing is I felt like I could. More waiting and they took me to a bed to lie down.  Then I was transferred to a women’s mental hospital. We got there around 6 in the morning. The nurses checked me over and showed me to my room.

The 2 hours of worry my sleep aside I had a great sleep.

It was the first time in months, years even that I haven’t thought about the ‘what’s next?’ question negatively 

Estherology 2014

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonise or salad cream


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Harvester

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably rice it's what I eat alot anyway

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepporoni and pineapple 

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter and Jam

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?

Technically  two (one doesn't work)

What color cell phone do you have?
Black (and I desperately need a new one)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts)

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
The TV

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Noway

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nothing when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like shanique 
or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

Last person you hugged?
Sister


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
Somewhere hot

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?
just friends I haven't seen in a while and family in Nigeria

Mood?
Relaxed

What are you listening to?
Nothing

Watching?
American Dad

**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The Bathroom

What's the last movie you saw?
Can't remember

Do you smile often?
Yes

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Yes


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
When I hear it yes

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
From twitter

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Blue i guess


4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Again what

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Nope

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No...

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
I don't really have one. Just to have a great day with no arguments. Which would be a miracle.

9) Can you do push ups?
Of course.

10) Can you do a chin up?
dunno

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
def excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Granma's lap)

14) Do you have an accent?
I don't think so


15) What is the last song to make you cry?
 Emeli Sande read all about it

16) Plans tonight?
Go to bed

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
yea, it's happened twice in my life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Put money on oyster

19) Have you ever been given roses?
No

20) Current worry?
Career,love life .........ect

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yeah. manly friends

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
It's been and gone

24) What song represents you?
christina aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
dunno

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Nope

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Just ears pierced

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Doubt it.

30) Does anyone love you?
I hope so! ;)

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatevers in my head

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
nope

34) When did you last cry?
At my brothers 40th birthday celebration

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My niece and nethews

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
if he's my ex I don't think I would want to see he but you never know.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
I have more old friends than I do new but, I hoping to change that

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Sure

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing

To be patient or not to be patient, that is the question.

"Have patients with all things but, first of all with yourself"

"Just because something isn't happening for you right now, doesn't mean it will never happen"

"Patience is a virtue"

 "Patience is the road to understanding which is the key to a happy heart"

The last one is a quote from Phoebe Buffay of FRIENDS but it's still true. Just a good example of Phoebe's dim but smart personality and yes I know she's just a character, I just...I digress.

If I was to give anyone advice shy or not I'd say don't try to be something you're not, It's not worth it.  Take it from someone who has been running away from their honest self for 20 years or so. In those 20 years or so this is the first time I feel...relaxed, relaxed and calm. I'm the most confident I every been.
For the first time in forever I'm busting with excitement about what is to come. I have a long list of things I want to do, to achieve.
Having patience and being a think first person are two of my best qualities. Which is why I think the taking things day by day or living for today is going to work for me.

I've been worrying about keeping my
'spend less time in my room, go out more goal'.
I mean I have ideas but what am I going to do for now, today.
Whist I was going through depression on my endless browse through the internet. I came across a group for depression sufferers. The group meets 1 or 2 times a week for dinner and a chat. I never actually been to any but I still get the regular emails.

So looked up the website the group came from and it turns out they're not the only ones. It's a website for shy people to arrange meetings and get togethers. Whether it be a cinema trip, a trip to a restaurant or just a chat. I came across a meet up for a bowling trip at the Hollywood bowl. I've been bowling once before and I enjoyed it so I decided why not.

On the day I woke up up 7am I tried to get a few hours sleep in me but the worry wouldn't allow it. I kept going back and forth about going or not going. Trying my best to ignore the negative voice in my head I eventually left my house at 5pm. I'm glad I did I had a great time and meet some great people.

In review I think that I will always be a shy person in some way I'm almost 100 percent sure of that. I'm never going to be the one at the party who never shuts up or who can't get off the dance floor (not that there are dance floors at the parties I go to)
When I was on the show 'Get a life'  it was said that no one is born shy but I have to say I strongly disagree with that. When I was in hospital I had a conversation with the doctor who was asking 'why are you like this? (Shy) something must have happened to trigger your shyness. And I just kept thinking to myself this doctor wants a different answer than what I'm giving her which was
'no I've always been like this'
It's my personality getting rid of that would be like losing a limb.

The best days of our lives

the best day of our lives

For me it hasn’t been just one, I mean I’m only 29 I think the best is yet to come.

I know a lot of people say the best days of your lives are your school days, but to be honest I don’t remember much from my Primary and Secondary school days.

No, the best days of my life happened after.

I have moments in my life where I can say God saved me. Like when I got knocked down by a car or when I nearly fell out of the car sitting on my Granny’s lap. The biggest of course being when he died for our sins.

The first best day of my life was 6^th October 2006

The year 2006 started great then I went through depression.  I was sad I was down I was rock bottom, I was underneath rock bottom. The day before was the closest I’ve ever come to killing myself. It doesn’t matter how I got there because it wasn’t just one thing. I was in my bed tear socked with a knife in my hand and I said to God

‘Help me please’

God literary took the knife out of my hands and that was it. The next day I was invited to church by my brother. I remember saying the sinner’s prayer in my room when I was 14, but nothing could have prepared me for how my relationship with God is now.

The second was the same year 2006 in November.

I was going through my emails one day and I came across an email from Be on screen.  Which is a website where you can apply to be on different shows. It said ‘have you got 0 confidence’ that’s all I needed I sent in my details. I didn’t think anything of it then 3 days later I got an email saying ‘we liked your email and we’d like you on the show’. I had an interview and took some promo photos.  27^th November 2006 it was the day I found out I wasn’t alone, that I’m not the only one who goes through this.

The last one was also very recent 26^th March 2014

That was the day I checked myself into the hospital and I can tell you this for nothing, it was the best decision I've ever made.

I was going through depression again, only this time it was longer. Last time lasted 6 months this time it was 5 years. So as you can imagine I was ready for it to be over. Last year I went to my GP 3 times which set the wheels in motion. My Doctor said I could check myself into hospital at any time.

Since January I’ve wanted to go. I’d say to myself next Wednesday I’m doing it but then the day will come and go. The day I actually went everyone in the house was out before 7PM, I took that as a sign.  I was in the hospital for a week it gave me a chance to reflect, to ask myself ‘what am I doing with my life’. It also changed my direction instead of going down I’m going up. Before I was negative and there was no room for positives, now its reversed God got me out of my funk if you like.

Right now I’m just taking it a day at a time because I know if I don’t I’ll overanalyse till the cows come home. I also know that I don’t have to go out every day to achieve my goal of spending less time in my room. I‘ve already spent less time in my room than last year and it’s only April, I’d call that a bonus.