Morning page #208

 My mum brought packages to my room. I went to the toilet then I went to the kitchen. 

'Oh, it's only 9 something,'

I think I'll write a morning page. 

'Hmm, which tea should I make?'

I order a few the other day so the cupboard is full. Went back (forgot how to spell went for a second there I thought there was h) to my room did my affirmations. Day 21 so a new set of ones tomorrow. I saw 10:10 on the clock, so I smiled. Little things like that boost my mood. 

Right now the bad energy person is in our house. p*** the fuck o** in Jesus' name. You take and take but don't give the same. The only reason I have for not liking someone is the way they treat me or others. I am in a space of focus on happiness. Like I said before. I'm living in listening to I need mind and body. I don't ignore the signs of tired anymore I just sleep. I can not go back no matter what. 

Oops, I forgot to write the time...It was 10:15 am

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. 

The doubts just make my walls stronger.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #207

 Literary just turned 11:11, I love that. I haven't been to sleep yet I have an appointment tomorrow with the restart scheme. I'm not looking forward to it. I was sad this morning then my mum brought my niece to my room now I am smiling. Think I am going to make a cup of tea.

Should I do it before and after?

Yea I think so.

Back, it's 11:24 am I made myself a peppermint tea. Currently watching family guy on Disney+. The cast interviews episode just finished so whatever season that was (there's probably been more than one)

I love days where I just let it happen it's not days that end in an appointment, I hate those.

I was uming and ahhing on whether I should write a morning page today. Then I decide I'll write one when my mum comes to get my niece. I just decide to write it and that's when I looked at the clock at 11:11. this practice has helped me to write without a filter. From brain to page. Turn the perfection down slowly. And letting go of the stress one by one.

Only one remains, it will be gone soon, I swear it. This year there will be a month (and others after that) I don't have an appointment with the Jobcentre on anything to do with in Jesus' name. 

Currently, things that change/ boost my mood

{1} Music

{2} Writing

{3} Family guy

{4} GMM and Rhett and Link in general.

{5} Daydream. dreaming of the future.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible 

The doubts just make my walls stronger.

34 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #206

 I've been sleeping the opposite way I usually do on my bed. So I slept well and remembered some dreams. Woke at 9 am

I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of... well PJ tips which of all the black tea I've tried is definitely on my least favourite list. It might even be number one. I am awainting an appointment at 12. The last time my phone didn't work properly and my work coach couldn't hear me. That will not happen this time in Jesus' name.

I think the reason things haven't happened for me yet is because my walls were like jelly, and I didn't know what I wanted. I've been in this benefit situation since 17 years old on and off. Back then when someone would say do this course, go here to get your CV looked at (even though I haven't worked in 5 years I don't see how it would need to change) I agreed 

number one because I didn't (and still don't) feel like I had a choice. 

Number two...well what I said before I didn't know what was right and what was wrong.

Now my walls are stronger. When you say this course, I can't afford to say yes if I don't see myself using it in 5 years. I am focused I'm putting myself first for the first time in 37 years. Striping the people pleaser in me does come with its negativities like guilt and doubt.

Because I know it comes from a good place. It comes from maybe 80% success. From this is how everyone else does it. This makes me question if I'm missing an opportunity maybe, I'm missing an opportunity. Maybe I meant to say yes and do the course. But the fact is I'm not 17 and have experienced the consequences of not listening to my gut. This means I can't afford to say yes when I mostly want to say no. Having someone take advantage of my generosity cemented that.

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness.

Everything else is a bonus.

41 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: My appointment was rescheduled.

Morning page #205 All dreams are impossible before they become possible

 I woke at 8 something went back to sleep. Then woke again at 11 am. I wasn't going to write a morning page today. but the stars aligned. It was before 12 and I was awake.

90% of my days are manifesting, relaxed and no less worry. The other 10 are the bad days, the sad days. Where I get impatient. Where I think am I delusional and dumb for believing that it will all become a reality one day. When that happens I remind myself that there is a reason I'm feeling this way. It's not unreasonable to get a little frustrated. I'm reminded that's when this stage of my life began. I try to stop myself from feeling this way then I'm reminded that everything including feelings has its place. One day I will be sitting in my new house with my hubby and six kids. All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts just make the walls around my dream stronger. 

humm, I like that I think I'll use that for the last line from now on (note to self)

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus.

18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #204

 Second time I woke up feeling like I should be worried about something. I think that means I'm changing. It was 11:31 am I went to the kitchen after I got a...what would I call it?...pain reliever for when I'm on my period, let's see if it works. Washed the cup that I used last night. I was going to make some tea but decided against it because my mum is making food. 

Let's talk about throw-away comments. It's the things that are said...I can only describe it as something that should be said in your head. The type of things that you don't plan to say. It's like you have a conversation (you stab someone) and then you go back and twist the knife. That's the only way I can describe how it affects me. 

For example: when someone said something hasn't been washed since Sunday and then at the end, you kissed your teeth. Like me making your food and to my face you say

'This is amazing thank you,'

Then when I leave I hear this is not good, why would she give me this,'

I use to think I am going crazy. I've realised that...I think I've written this before...

Oops, it's...let's just say 10: 41am Family guy on my laptop. But I'm going to switch over to Youtube after this. New episode of GMM and GMmore will be out soon. 

...I tend to start with the 'blame myself'. It's because that's how I grew up. If I was the only person in the house and I woke 3/5 hours later to someone (who will remain unnamed because I love them so much) saying

'I was knocking,'

I would take that to heart and think, I am the worst person in the world for not opening the door. I mean even if I was a light sleeper it's not my responsibility. Really if we are placing blame it's yours forgetting your key, but let's not go down that road.

Um...kinda lost my train of thought. I have to go back and read so that I can finish my thought. I have to go back and reread so that I can finish y thought. I think this started me on a road to the habits I am trying to remove including the one above. Telling myself I'm just too sensitive being the second.

I'm manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus. 

41 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #203

 I woke at 11: something with an 'Ah man feeling,' Then I smiled because I realise I have nothing to worry about. Time of the month just finished. Restart/universal credit appointments happened days ago. Waking up warm and not feeling overwhelmed is something new.

I am forgetting my dreams about...him. I just remembered that I was with him. I like when I dream and forget who I dreamed about but I know I knew them.

Went to the kitchen washed my cup and made myself a cup of Moringa tea. Youtube watch later list on my laptop. I saw a waterloo road vid on TikTok and I went down a rabbit hole. Currently watching Taric tries to unalive himself. not that bothered about the new version. I haven't watched an episode.

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus.

46 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #202 Evidence=success

 Woke at 8 am and went back to sleep. Woke again at 11 am. Went to the kitchen washed the plates, and put on some washing.

11:30 am, I am in the living room watching GMM season 16 on the big tv. Hard dough bread and a chai latte in front of me. 

Another day another appointment to worry about. I am so focused on only listening to my gut because not listening to it leads me down an anxious and overthinking and stress road. I know my work coach is coming from a good place of this evidence = success, it's the point of view of the world. 

I refuse to take any step back, no matter how small, so there will be no people-pleasing. I will not be doing anything that I am not 100 per cent happy to be doing. In my mind, I am questioning that. 

'Is it too unreasonable?' 

I'm really really focused on my happiness.

The second thing on my mind is missed opportunities and my lack of a love life. It's just so frustrating to be clueless about his feelings. What I need...yesterday is a resolution and some closure.

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, and happiness, everything else is a bonus.

32 minutes, see you when I see you.