Morning pages #253

Couldn't sleep because of the electricity and gas. If I'm honest where my anxiety comes from is. 

Number one: relying on other people, I hate that. My fear is the consequences of the other person's response. 

'Is it my turn, who's turn is it,  who paid last'

I realise I forgot about the first part of this, an explanation but I'm just gonna leave it. 

Number two: money, not.being sent in time. Then it takes longer than it needs to get the gas and electricity back on. It was fine today though I sent the message and the money was sent within 40 minutes, I love those days. 

I slept at 8:10 and woke at 10:45. I found a good sleep recording app, so that was on. The only thing I learnt...well a few things I don't snore Srove, I knew that. At least I know I probably do when I have a cold.  Made myself a cup of cinnamon black tea. I slept again at :.. I think a few minutes let's say 10:50 woke at 13:12. It's past 12. but I'm still going to write a morning page because 

14:04 no tea in front of me I slept to my GMM episodes playlists.

...today is a special day. the 27th of November 2006. I met some lifelong friends and my FH but that's (I'm trying to use the word but too much and the word because) between me and you. It's between the one person who actually reads these and him if he happens to come across this one day.

Being with on Get a Life changed my life. Along with the lifelong friends, it also was the day I realised I was not alone. It was the day I got rid of the first chip on my shoulder. It was the beginning of living my authentic self. Of me letting go of control.

(14:17)

13 minutes (wow I thought it was longer) see you when I see you.

Morning page #252

I've been waking up and going back to sleep for the past few days. My mind body and soul weren't ready to be done resting. Today It was 3: 29 and 12:27. went to the kitchen, and made myself a cup of tea. I saw my mum's new shoes. Which she's had since April, that's neither here nor there. She hasn't worn it till today, probably... Anyway

 12:55 a cup of Inner Clarity Twinnings tea, which is Lemon balm and camomile tea I think camomile tea was my first step into herbal tea. I remember when I first met my friend and she was drinking it. And she asked me have I had, not black tea and I said yes I've had camomile before.

Tea check: drinkable

Anyway, seeing my mum's new boots. She said It's cold outside, very as in freezing cold. It immediately got me thinking about universal credit appointments. I'm not looking forward to going out on the 30th (my next appointment). It also got me thinking of the last one. For some reason all day. I woke thinking it was a 3:40 appointment It was (2:40 btw). So at 2: 39 I was still in my house not dressed. I sent a message to my work coach and added sorry for the inconvenience (Take note this is Important). Thanks to Bolt I got there not too late. I can't remember the time but it wasn't an hour. I felt like I was disturbing him, to be honest. It was almost as if I didn't send the message the last bit was unnecessary he didn't care. His attitude was that I did that on purpose. This got me thinking of the realisation I had this year, that universal credit is working for me not the other way round. All the things UC does is to help get me back into work. Sometimes they abuse their power like when they throw sanctions around like they're paper. Or say the word mandatory, for who? 

This year I've taken my focus away from what people think I should be doing. It lowered my stress and anxiety significantly. I am so much happier. 

44 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #251 231123

Woke up at 6:10. It was dark outside. I wanted to take a picture, as I did yesterday because it was pretty, and looked like an Instagram filter. But I couldn't be bothered to get up. Stayed in bed then Mum asked me to print some leaflets. I made myself a cup of tea. And warmed a Pret sandwich, I was feeling hungry.

It's 231123 today, and that makes me happy. I managed to add some movie reviews to Instagram. It's past 12 still I wanted to write this today. I also managed to do a tea leaf reading

I'm Feeling relaxed and happy. I'm going to do a tarot reading after this.

Slept to The Daily Show with Trevor Noah on YouTube. This morning page seems unstructured and all over the place but I'm going to keep going. It's because I'm excited about the angel number the angel of the day 231123. Oh, and it's Thanksgiving in  America today, see. Just finished watching the annual 'no nobody watches this so we won't make an effort' Good Mythical Morning episode. That's how I knew it was today,  I had to look it up. To be honest I prefer the episodes that have a structure. I don't really like these ones. Though I'll still watch them (unless it heavily involves the crew, or guest episodes nowadays)

33 minutes, 

Btw I got a lot of angel numbers today. I saw 13:13 then I just finished writing at 14:04.

See you when I see you.

Morning page #250 How to: Inner peace

Woke at 8:45 and went to the toilet. I decided to have a quick shower this morning. 

Today lessening your anxiety is not just about what you do. It's about how you do it too. Like tea always tastes better in my favourite cup. Or watching TV/YouTube on the big screen TV in the Living room

9:28 am, the tea today is called Inner Peace and it is from Twinnings, The flavour Is Sweet Vanilla and fig rooibos 

How I achieved/am achieving inner peace.

Start by taking everyone out of the equation. I made this quote early last year which was 'I never questioned myself until someone. else care into the equation

Tea check: drinkable

I wrote this just before I figured out that all my insecurities, every single one of them came from another person. I never thought of my lips as anything but beautiful till I was made fun of by 'friends'. Now every time I think about my lips negatively I think about that incident. I had to take a look at where It was coming from, It was never me. Or when I was I was told my fingers were fat and that my hand handwriting was messy. Again by a 'friend'. I make a point to make sure my writing is pretty. Every time have to wear rings and they don't fit I think of my fat fingers. The fact is that was someone else's point of view of me. Striped away from that I could see my point of view. 

The second thing I did was limit my Interactions with negative people. I've taken It further this year by limiting my interactions with negative energies. 

 The third thing do is flood my mind with positives. By Listening to music, and watching (YouTube mainly). Writing, also thinking about the future. Doing these 3 things help me to focus my mind on the prize as they say. I can now separate the negatives. recognise where they are coming from and deal with them accordingly.

10:18 50 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #249 Every inch of self, including weaknesses

I woke at 10:20 am well rested because I slept 11 hours (slept at 11 pm last night, woke at 2:50 am slept again. at 3:21 am). I've been neglecting the moringa tea and two others (Senna and Slimitee) those, don't smell like moringa (fartbut they taste the same. I should really research/look at the box because I vaguely remember there weren't any ingredients on the box but I could be wrong

11:11 am, a cup of Senna tea In front of me. Woke to my stand-up playlist on YouTube. Now I'm watching Spiderman Homecoming. I've been watching the Marvel movies in timeline order. Almost missed this one because it's not on Disney+. I wonder why, it's still Marvel. I don't think the second one is either. 

If I were going to give my best advice in the year 2023

These pages are about honesty, so I tell you the truth. I was daydreaming about being asked that on a random show.

Not knowing what you are going through right now 'don't  tell yourself to not.'

I'm at a point in my life where I can't allow myself to do things to please others anymore so let's take my love life for example. My feelings have been high since day one. Thinking of him hasn't brought me anything but Joy. Until my overthink voice pipes up 

'You're an idiot for believing he feels the same way about you that you do about him. I mean come look at the evidence its been almost 17 years. He's probably married,  happily with 6 kids. I'm not going to shut up that part of me because there's a reason for it.

When your best friend tells you they are getting married again when you haven't even been lucky enough to call someone you're boyfriend (not a personal story but not totally untrue). Ignoring my feelings of frustration and when is it my turn, going straight to I should be happy for her I am happy for her. The fact that I'm 39 and still single is the reason. My feelings are a human reaction, I can ignore that.

I recently realised I need to embrace every inch of myself. Including my weakness.

-12:55

1 hour: 44 minutes see you when I see you.

Update: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse is not on Disney Plus because of a deal between Sony and Netflix. Netflix will have exclusive access to Sony movies like Across the Spider-Verse for the “pay one window.” This can last up to 18 months, so expect Netflix to have the exclusive license for quite some time

Senna:  Senna Leaves

Slimitee: Senna, Peppermint, Ginger, Cerassie (Karela) and Lemongrass

Morning page #248

I woke up today at 9:23 am washing plates.

11:11 am on 11/11 yes.

I was looking up things for my new business idea, a printer be exact. God just said to look up the paper. So I looked up sticker paper and I found a bunch. You get a bit of an idea of what my business will be about. You know I love to sketch and draw that's your second clue. I'm focusing on the positives as best I can. on the deleting my account on Universal Credit. And no one is going to buy these. My focus is on designing and working on what ian going to sell. What I am going to name it.  Also how much will I charge? I'm excited about the change coming. My dream life is coming, it's on the way. The first thing I'll do... (| mean after I've deleted my Universal credit account) Is book a holiday, a big need a plane to get to, a hot weather holiday.

 18 minutes see you when see you.

Morning page #247

Woke at 9:28 to a dream of two guys stealing two barrels of gas from my family. One of my family members was there. But she didn't do anything just stood there with her hands in her pocket and a stupid smile on her face. I said to these guys if you would have asked I would have given you some, we're all struggling.

I slept to my stand-up playlist on YouTube. 10:23 am

I think my... I'd say the fear of relying on another person makes me not want to go down the road of anti-ageing creams. I'm not the type to go to the doctor for flu. That's why I love home remedies and I'm begging to use natural ingredients. I brought a natural ingredient deodorant this year. I recently bought an Ice face roller, I love It. I feel great after using it. My focus these days is less on the things I must do to please another person. I'm so focused on not wasting my day. I can't afford to live my life for you anymore.

32 minutes see your see you when I see you (10:55)

Morning page #246

Today I woke at 6: 31 a.m. Went to the toilet (number one, in case you are interested). Then in the Kitchen, no plates in the sink. I thought I might as might as well cut some fruits, I haven't had fruits in a minute.

07:49 Fruits finished a cup of hear tea (I thought it was heart tea because that's how I  first read it) YouTubeStar tarot 0884 Watch list on the laptop.

Tea Check: Drinkable

I've been feeling very creative these past few days. It started with the printing out of some 30-day self-improvement, and mental health challenges on the 13th of October. I also printed some art challenges. And I think that's what inspired me. I drew one about what I'm scared of. I will tell anyone who will ask my biggest fear is heights. The people I know more than a stranger I tell my biggest fear is failure. Only the people I feel worthy I'll tell my biggest fear is turning into the person I hate the most (my mum's mum) in any way shape or form. I also drew a self-portrait and have one titled I Wish. One titled my first love all the questions I have for the person that bears that title. One titled 'I can't,' I've been pushing myself. Beyond what a human being can do. It's not being positive, It's controlling other people's words and actions. I need to stop telling myself to do better when I'm already giving 100%. The last one was what I'm angry at and what I haven't forgiven yet

God Just Sald upload them all to your blog, I dare you. I don't know if I'll upload the last one, maybe on another day.

49 see you minutes (8:38) See you when I see.

Morning page #245 Who am I really?

I woke at 11:11 but it was more like 11:12 or 11:13 maybe even 11:09. Anyway slept to the YouTube watch list on my laptop. I found Steve Furlick so I've been binging his sermons. I went to the kitchen and thought while I'm here I might as well do tea, leaf reading. 

11:41, Tea in my good mood small blue cup. I think I've had this thought before but what is the difference between a mug and a cup? I should look that up 

Answer: Cup = beverages that are consumed quickly water, coffee, tea

Mug = beverages that are meant to be savoured hot chocolate, or soup. Saying that I don't think I'd be wrong if I said mug Instead of a cup, I've definitely done that on here.

Today's morning page is a title first day.

I mean what more can 1 say about myself that I haven't already said on here? That is what I immediately thought when the title came to mind. Changed mindset yes. I am in I can't afford to do the opposite, you know can't afford to waste my time in a place you think I should be.

Today 2023 I can't afford to ignore my Intuition. It's a life-or-death situation. Like I know I've said on here before. In 60 years, I need to see only the positives in my past (OK I haven't said that one). 

On the Journey to marrying my crush. Nothing has changed, that car has run into some road works but they forgot to put up the yellow plack. The one that, says diverted from this date to this date. Everything Is temporary, right? 

50 minutes (12:21) see you on the other side of my dream life.

Morning page #244 my biggest dream

I woke up at 10:30 a.m. to my Sister saying the gas was off (after going to sleep at 9 a.m. I spent only about 5 minutes trying to get It on so there's an improvement. Despite the really bad period pain I decided to write a morning page. I forgot to plug In my computer was completely dead. It took its time coming on for some reason. 

11:11 I have no choice but to let life happen because the things I want require another person to be removed or placed. Take my biggest dream, well my biggest dream is to change the world. My second biggest dream is to get married and have kids. It's going to require my future hubby to first realise he can't live without me. Secondly, contact me. Before I stopped beating myself up about not being able to say words. I thought it was because I was fearful of rejection. I was unsure about his feelings and didn't want to put him in a position where he had to reject me. I still feel the same way I did in 2006. If he had rejected me, he would have changed the way I felt about him. I don't mean felt felt, I mean the way I saw him. 

58 minutes, see you See you when I see