Morning Page #269

Woke at II: II today from a dream about my future hubby. I think the message was about standing still, and not chasing what I want. Letting god work, I don't need to fight anymore, God will provide.

11: 50 something 24/4/24 What I need is to go within and let go of distractions, like anxiety because of being forced to be in people-pleasing mode. Lack of money. I will trust God. Whilst also listening to what I want first. I refuse to live in negative anything. I won't allow any human to send me back. l won't let any are convince me I am wrong. No to being in a explain or proving situation. No to your wrong opinion of me. You will only see the truth from now on. No to being in a position that doesn't let me grow and brings me peace and happiness only. I ask God right now to take away any human being's power from my life. I rebuke the spirit of rudeness and evil. You think you have the power, you don't. God is always above you make the decisions but you are just a puppet In God's timeline. remove yourself from my path in Jesus' mighty name Amen.

37 Minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #268

Woke at 10:30 ish, maybe 10:58ish. Went to the toilet (number one). Then to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Thought about making a chai. 

11:11 a cup of Glow Twinings and Peppermint tea in front of me. I was watching YouTube later lists but it's stopped playing during the night. I had my JBL headphones in as I slept and they were not in my ear when I woke, had a little panic attack. I found them on the bed, I think I won't do that again. Though I might forget about today.

I think the world has it all wrong. First half of my life was giving people excuses for their behavior. Kid in the playground bullies the weakest. Then we either do nothing or suspend them for a week. I don't care if the kid is going through two divorces. You know exactly what you were doing. The world has over corrected I think. They want to give bully the benefit of the doubt. But you forgot about the other person in this equation. It's the way the news reports mass shootings. They'll say here's what happened, here's who died, here's who did it. Here are the reasons why you should feel sorry for them. Tell me about the victims before you say anything about killer. This is what I have grown up with. I have ignored my own feelings, I told myself to not feel this, I feared being judged, that ends today. Today I want to live in relax and peace. 

Just now I drop something and couldn't find it. I decided to stop searching. Just now as I sat down to write this I looked over and saw it was stuck in my posters on my wardrobe, this is a sign. It's a lesson that had to be learned. God will give you everything you desire, you just need to stop searching. 

58 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #267

Slept to 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. It did stop playing during the night. I'm gonna try do that not have anything on because it makes my sleep better. I went to the kitchen and decided to make a loose leaf tea a reading.

11am, this month is going to be jampacked. Its Escapril 30 day challenge, fill a page a day. 2 days ago I shaved off my hair. I'm going to wait till it grows just before my birthday I'll dye it a crazy but I havent declded the colour yet. My birthday is in 5 months. I perdict my hair will grow a lot in that time. I shaved my hair 25th December 2023 It grew a lot in that time.

Thoughts:GOOD

I want to do an are piece of 

1. All the recurring daydreams. My crush turning up to my house with flowers. That long overdue conversation.

2. Art about kisses from my crush. 

BAD

Something is going on, something is wrong about Universal Credit not setting up an appointment yet. My last one was on the 6th March 

More thoughts

I need to complete days one an two of Escapril. I was thinking I should write down what I talked about in each me without a filter. of which there are 92, 93, after today. Also I am thinking of putting movies on my Instagram account, 

Honestmoviereviews1984

btw Its 92 plus the rest of the Marvel ones. I think I'll start that today. 

Love cats countdown I am in a binge mood these days. I can binge that all day a forget anything else. Like yesterdays movie I watched it at 1am this morning.

more thoughts 

thinks I need to pay for and my bank is empty. I'm trying to go with the flow and not worry. What I kept thinking was 'I could really use 300 pounds right about now,' 

Why 300 you say I eally dont know it's just a number that cane to me. Random, but not random. Maybe its because that's the amount that has been given from the universal credit (extra). God has told me dont do any Job search until  universal credit sets up the next appointment 

32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #266

Woke at a few minutes before 10. Went to the toilet (number 1). Then went to the kitchen to make my tea. 

10.48 am cats does countdown on my laptop, A Cup of Turmeric chai tea front of me.

I got a message from a friend saying would you want to meet up on Saturday. I said sounds good, even though over thinking mainly how am I going to get there, how will I get home. I'm thinking I have no money in my card, but I can ask my mum for money. I can take a cab there. Then I worry about access to internet when I'm m coming home. I can get a bus where there is access to internet. I've also been daydreaming a surprise meetup with my crush. I havent seen this friend since 2018, 6 years and my crush since 2007 almost 17 years. Cant help but think about what if's. Like If we got married how old would our kids be would we still be or together today or would we have broken up. Then I think about his feelings for me. I know nothing, Zitch, Zero about them either way. This causes me to think about my childhood. If you asked me what words I would use to decribe it would say Guesswork. I just assumed because I didn't have talking to people in my tool box. I assume not only does he not fancy me he doesnt like me either bassed on the fact that I havent seen him in 17 years. Really I dont know so why am making It up, that's a waste.

A week turned into a month turned into a year turned into 17 years. 

37 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #265

Woke at 8:59 had another dream that I totally forgot, think It had my crush.

9:06 am a cup of sleep and Peppermint tea. The computer and I Pad went off during the night. Because I wasn't charging it so I put it on. Last night I put my mother's day gift in the living room. I was going to go back and change whereI put it but God said just leave it and his angels sang it. I'm happy that not only did my niece not get to it (which is what I was worried about). My mum didn't See It yet. I got the chance to give it to her myself. I am happy twice, number 1 I liked my gift. Number two so did she. I've been experimenting with lying down when I'm tired. I changed it from sleep when you're tired because I don't always sleep and I was beginning to see it as a failure. What this is helping is...me to listen to my body. And it's also an opportunity to dream, daydream being asked on a date. 

Him: You can take as long as I took to say this but would you want to have dinner with me.

Me: I dont even need a minute all I need is a second, the answer is yes. 

Him turning up to my house house with flowers is a recurring daydream I have. Also the sentence 'I'm sorry I ever made you feel that I dont feel the same way,' 

Tea check: still hot but drinkable.

I'm daydreaming life as a couple. I would be so so happy when I see him in person. Not in my dreams or daydream.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #264

Today I woke at 7:46 I had a dream...intermert dream about Someone I didnt want to.

11:50am a cup of sleep twinnings and peppermint tea in front of me. Last night I was bingeing 8 out 10 catsdoes contdown. 

I have to move a decision based on my gut and what my body is telling me. Because I'm feeling ill but have a party to go to tomorrow. should I still go. I dont want to disappoint besides I always enjoy myself. If I don't go I will miss out but like I said lm ill. I'm thinking when my relationship will start. To be honest l am thinking about when my crush/ future husband will ask me out to get the ball rolling.

21 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #263

Woke up at 5:10 am then again at 10:10 am. My niece came to my room so I thought everyone was out. I brushed my teeth and made myself a cup of tea.

10:45 am a cup of innings (Revitilise) in front of me. I stood in front of the cupboard for a minute p. I didn't want to make a hot chocolate. I have so many teas, too many choices. I remembered very little of my dream. I had a baby. Meaning I was a mother. Slept to episodes of Family Guy on Disney+

I just want to be left alone. That's a sentence that has been running in my head for days. I am so scared about being in a place I don't want to be. I mean I've been through depression twice. I'm scared of driving down the road to depression city. I know that things are changing I know my survival mode is soon ending. I have a brilliant idea that I know will work. The thing is I don't want to be in a rush. I don't want to push myself out of my comfort zone like I have in the past. I want to enjoy what is to come, every step of it. Anyway, I did some research and I think the course is online which eases my mind a little. I did a customer service course in 2022. Which is why I'm reluctant for any retail-based course. All it gave me was anxiety and stress. I need to let it go. This is what God is trying to teach me. Nothing is a mistake. This course, I need to focus on the positives. Nothing I don't want or am not ready for will come to pass in Jesus' name.

45 minutes see you when I see you