Morning page #258

I woke up today at 9:57. I know because was able to use my sleep app which records your sleep 

11:44 am cup of Yorkshire tea in front of me, family guy on YouTube. YouTube has new episodes on there but that's not the main reason I haven't used Disney+ for it. 

The number one reason is that it goes black after one episode or two. I don't know how to fix it. Family Guy is the reason I brought Disney in the first place l. I don't think it has anything to do with the show actually. I think I'm going crazy, I heard my having a conversation. But she and I were the only two people in the house. I know there is an explanation. Though I haven't reached a point of fear of it being the things you are thinking it is. 

Voices in your head Esther, that's a problem,

I think one of the things that helped me start living my authentic self is acceptance of some home truths. The fact is a huge percentage of my mental health-related problems are other people. I was happy I woke up from a great. A dream about a certain someone. Don't ask what was it about, I remember nothing. 

'Then how do you know you did,' 

I just know it's like when my brother used to ask me how I know it's him coming up the stairs when I can't see him. I dream about people I know all the time. Then intake up and I've forgotten number one, what it was about. Number two, who it was, but I still have the memory of I knew this person. I was happy because I woke up thinking about my future hubby. He might be somewhere thinking about me. No evidence for that of course, because...silence. But there is also no evidence against it.  So I'm going to continue to believe it. So someone came in. my room and then...so I was and (because I wasn't the full word). Then I sat with it for a while and concluded, it was not that deep. Now back to the start happy and hopeful. I can't ignore the common denominator

32 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page 257

I woke at 11:36 am and went back to sleep, I woke again at 12:09. I've decided I am going to write a morning page. I was going to say this week but it's Saturday. So this week and next week, until I get sick of it.

12:47 a m cup of Yorkshire tea in front of me. Watch later list on my laptop. I know that where I am now is where I am meant to be. On the surface, I know this. But in the back of my mind, I thought of my life If I had made different choices. I like my life being what happens tomorrow is determined by what happened today. If I didn't see something that made me want to binge-watch all Marvel movies a few months ago. I wouldn't have gotten to the latest Dr Strange movie a few days ago. I wouldn't have started thinking about the multiverse, as in the different versions of me. Me's who choose the opposite of what I choose in this lifetime. I wouldn't have concluded that most versions led to where I am now, the others led to my death so that at 22. All of this wouldn't have happened if God hadn't been trying to get into my head that I am exactly where I need to be right 

29 minutes, see you When I see you.

Morning page #257

Woke at 10:02. My computer was off

Did I forget to put the charger in or did my mum accidentally pull It out? I think I am learning to let those things go. Because I'm not going to ask. I don't want the answer to be no. which will lead to me beating myself up about asking in the first place. Which will lead to me going back (like having a time machine) to figure out what happens.

My conclusion 'Will be I am an idiot for forgetting to plug in the USB part. Now I am walking down the wrong lesson plan avenue. I'm thinking It's not to be perfect and not make any mistakes.

11:40 a cup of cinnamon spice tea in front of me (which I forgot to put milk in) I'll do it now.

11:50. I just made another because the glass plate in the microwave broke. So there's nothing to put it on. Take your judgment back to where it came from. I don't have a problem warming my tea in the microwave.

12:12: round two, a cup of sweet caramel in front of me.

Art idea: walls of...walls of (trying to think of the word...I wrote frustration) update I was thinking of blocking me.

Tea cheek: Still hot

I was going to write a lot but I'd forgotten what it all was. I think I'll just leave it there.

45 minutes, see you when up I see you.

Morning page #256

Woke but didn't check the time. I heard someone say 

'who is it?' was that a dream? 

I went to the toilet. Then I went to the Kitchen and looked at the time It was 11:11.

11:42 Family guy on Youtube, Moringo tea in front of me. I've been obsessed with the game and cooking diary on my iPad.

I think I'm starting to understand the meaning of truly letting go of control.

Tea check: Drinkable

It wasn't lessening my people-pleasing nature. It was literary letting God take the wheel and letting life happen. Yesterday I was thinking to myself I am really hungry. I open the fridge. there's no food in there but leftovers and nothing I'm in the mood for. I don't want to make eggs again. Before I could get frustrated and irritable. My brother came with my niece and nephew. And he decided to order McDonald's. If I'm not mistaken I haven't ordered since I was in school, maybe even earlier than that. So yeah I'm leaning more into that from today.

32 minutes see you when I see you

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Morning page #255

I woke, but I didn't look at the time. I stayed in bed another hour or so I think. I'm going to guess I woke at 12 something. I could say I woke at 11: 11 it is 12/12 after all. Angel numbers and all. When I did look at the time It was 13:01. I had two dreams in the night. An actor being chased, an actor from the Marvel movie I watched last night.  And I was with two of my closest friends and we were reading the Bible (in the second one)

I had a quick shower and made myself a cup of tea in my new self-stirring mug. The only thing is you need to take the bag out, It's fine. it's just a habit I need to get to. yes, I always leave the bag in my tea, always. I think we as a society need to let go of judgement like when I warm my tea in the microwave. I get judgmental eyes from family members. Before you silently judged me I already had in my head the reason you wouldn't warm your tea in the microwave And that's the difference between me and you. That's what makes me unique.

I decided to binge-watch the Marvel movies in timeline order. watching the latest Dr Strange one. They talk a lot about the multiverse and It got me thinking about what my different versions would look like. After my research of making the opposite choice I made. It's the me without fear, which leads to a 'speaks more than I think' person. I also explored the things that shaped who I am. Like if I was an only child for example.

I forgot to write the time, let's just say 2 pm.

What I've concluded is in most of my versions I died at 22. In 2006 I was going through depression and I had the worst day up to and since then. I thought about the things that stopped me, it wasn't just God. The second thing I've concluded...well it's settled In my mind that I am exactly where I'm meant to be right here now. Because in the versions where I made it through I still ended up in the same place I am in 2023.

35 minutes see you when I see you

Morning page #254

Woke at 9:40 am and Went to the kitchen 

9:50 am a cup of sweet dreams tea in front of me which is Raspberry valerian and Niacin. Episodes of Family Guy on YouTube slept to that. When it's on YouTube it's zoomed in and the sound is changed (sometimes). I assume so that it doesn't get taken down. It always does through, eventually. I would watch it on Disney+ but it goes black after every episode so I have to get up and play the next episode

Tea check: still hot

God has been trying to drive into me the lesson of letting go of control. It's like the saying you only control what you say and what you do.

Tea cheek: Still hot

I in the past have been trying to control the actions of others. By thinking too much about what people think of me. I've been trying to control something that is bound to happen because of fear. I can't sit in my Uber and tell the driver how to drive. First of all, I don't know how.

Secondly, I am not allowing God to do his job 

Tea Check: Hot but drinkable

This is the newest step in learning this lesson. it started with let life happen lesson.  That led to the stop fighting lesson. Now we're on the let go totally. I don't know if this is the final step or If there is more to come. That's what letting go of control means. I need to let God take the wheel, He has never let me down once.

34 Minutes see you when I see you. 

Morning page #253 To learn self-love

Yesterday I started Vlogmas which I did on Youtube in 2018. A Vid every day this month. I didn't last year but it was a Christmas movie a day old, new (as in old for me)

Woke up at 11: 27 went to the toilet, and then went to the kitchen. I thought this was a good opportunity to write a morning page. I don't always feel like it when I'm on my monthly.  

12: 29 I decided to let go of my rule of not writing one if it's past 12. I think as long as I wake up before 12 It's fine. A cup of Pause tea (which Is Raspberry and hibiscus with blackberry leaves and Caribbean Gold peppermint tea with black Sage, sea moss and sarsaperling) family guy episodes on YouTube. They actually have new episodes on there surprisingly. It will probably get taken down soon.

Sometimes it's hard to be a late bloomer. It's hard not to go down the 'when my turn, road. When I have taken a wrong turn down comparing myself avenue. Because that's what I've been all my life. It's hard to be patient sometimes. When God says you are exactly where you need to be right here right now. But I haven't changed where I am in years. God says nothing you do is wrong. He says 

"what you need to do is what you are doing." 

I take that to mean there Are no more lessons to be learnt. So why hasn't it happened yet? I think I'm crazy for believing my crush loves me because I'll start overthinking about what he is doing. That makes me think about him being happily married with his six kids. The only things I know about him are his name and his age (birth year)

I think I said this before In one of these but I'll say it again. I'm not a conversationalist. Everything I know about my friends I was told or saw them post on social media. If I see people walking around that look like you l assume they are your family members. Unless you say that's my sister, that's my mum I don't have that information. Then I'll get a glimpse of the future of my crush finally admitting his feelings and why he stayed away for so long. If this is not the reason I don't know what is because all these things daydreams didn't need to happen. I could have learnt self-love without it. 

57 minutes (but I did go to the toilet in between) see you when I see you.