I feel like I say this a lot, and I will continue to say it
till the end of time, I am a very lucky person.
I could sit here and list things that make that true, a
quarter of them being before I hit puberty.
One of those reasons being, I was born into a loving family,
both parents. Insecurities were just that IN me, they were never about another
person. Which I knew deep down were not true, which is part of why I’m still
here today. It’s like my insecurities were a brick wall. And I could see the
other side I just couldn’t get to it because of this brick wall. And since I’m
not superhuman/ a superhero and don’t have don’t have super powers (unfortunately).
I’ve been working on gaining the tools to break down that wall for years.
I’ve grown so much, I mean I’m 33 so that’s a given. One
great example of this being…
I recently quit my job, I mean today will make it nearly 2
months that I told my boss I had to leave for ‘personal reasons’. I didn’t tell
him anything more than that. Even when he tried to pull it out of me by saying
“Is it the distance?” …etc etc.
I wasn’t budging, I needed to leave that place in a positive
cloud. Maybe one day we will meet again, and I will tell him the truth, or he’ll
come across this somehow. I’d say to him…here’s the thing, I hated that place.
I hated going to work and I was counting the hours till I went home when I was
there. I couldn’t pin point one reason because it was a bunch of stuff that
just built up.
From the first day, I was not feeling it, for want of a
better phrase. When I decided I needed to leave I went back and forth, the pros
and cons.
What will I do next? I'm very unhappy here. Should I, can I
leave this place without another job to fall back on. If I stay I know what
this MIGHT lead to…depression, I recognise the signs. It can only get better,
right. This MIGHT lead to something down the line. I emphasize the might in both
those sentences.
Then in the second week I had a conversation with one of my
colleagues. He asked me how I was finding it.
‘It’s fine’…I lied
He wouldn’t let it go, possibly because he could tell I wasn’t
being truthful. So, I said
“It’s too much for one person to do.”
And then he said
“It’s not too much.’
I felt like slapping him. Like…mate, we are two different
people. What you can do does not amount to what I can do, for better or for
worse. Do you know why I can tell you it’s too much for one person to do,
because I’m doing it.
You may say
“Esther why didn’t you just tell them you weren’t happy.”
I didn’t care enough, to be honest. I thought about it,
knowing full well that my boss will probably talk to my colleagues. And in turn
would probably make my job harder. I decided it just wasn’t worth it. If I
loved it there, if I liked any part of this job I would have said something.
“But what was it specifically.”
You may say
I just didn’t feel welcome. I was working alone in the
kitchen most of the time, barked orders. I was told to be quicker. Granted I
was also told that in my last job. The difference being at Millie’s it was a team
environment. Even though I worked in the kitchen, I still had colleagues
saying.
‘Do you need any help, let me know if you do.’
Most of the time there was two people working in the
kitchen, and I didn’t have half as much to do at Millie’s than I did at this
last job.
Then I looked to my future and I didn’t want to be working
here in 5 year’s time, I didn’t want to be working here the next day.
So, I texted my boss (a text…really?) I waited for the response.
And once he had accepted it, and said OK. I…rejoiced, let me tell you. I felt
so happy, and proud of myself, that I had the courage to go through with it. Do
you think I would be able to do that a year ago…nope. I would have just stayed,
and I would probably still be there till this day, telling myself…
“Just do better.”
I don’t know what my next job will be. What I do know is I need
to make decisions with my 5 year’s time self in mind. My 5 year plan has been
the same since I was 18, get married, have kids. Everything else is a bonus.
