Morning page 229 #I didn't place anywhere on my list

 woke up at 9:09 am.

Val came to my room or was sent to my room it's not clear.

I used the toilet ( number 1) then I went to the kitchen. the sponge was missing so I used another one. FYI the sponge was hidden in the dishes. it's just one of those lessons about not being too hard on yourself. I would have told myself in the past I should have seen that. why didn't I check there? I'm also thinking why would someone put it there? I can't wash without it, a stupid place to put it. I know it wasn't ( probably) placed there it fell there.

9:40 a.m. a cup of orange tea in front of me. diagnosis murder on my laptop.

Mum just asked me if anyone came to talk to us in secondary school ( he was about to talk to kids at school in Nigeria) it's been 23 years, and guess what... of course, I don't remember. but I say yes because I know that's the answer she wants.

number one: I don't know why it's important I say yes to this it seems important to you.

number two: I don't see why I don't remember it wouldn't be. it's the only answer for an average person who hasn't been to or anywhere near school in 23 years.

number three: I know I don't know is an OK answer to a question. this is what I will up I realised this is how many of my conversations/ interactions go.

Tea check: drinkable.

I didn't place anywhere on my list. it was so important to make you happy, to say the to not say the wrong thing, I lost myself. I think the reason it went unnoticed by me and others was because when I lied it wasn't outrageous. like that above I just said I remembered when I didn't, said I agreed when I didn't. I am going to recognise these and try my best to lead with honesty no matter what.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

26 minutes,  (that's when my next appointment is) see you when I see you.

Morning page 228 #My life in sevens

  I woke up at 11:55 a.m., right there I knew it was going to be after 12 when I start writing this. Still, I'm going to write one I put it on my to-do list. Went to the kitchen, wash the plates in the sink

12:12 a.m. Family Guy on the laptop which I slept to. A cup of sweet caramel in front of me.

In 2019 I had my spiritual Awakening, when I decided I had to fill my feels about the input of another. well, yesterday I was randomly (random ha) thinking about a list I wrote putting my life in sevens. in fact, that's what I called it My Life in Sevens.

Tea check: still hot.

I realised that

Born 1984 - 1991 { 1- 7}

My mum's mum came to live with us. She mentally abused me for 30 years. Though she came to England in 1992 I was 7 years old she came a month before my birthday.

1992 - 1998

1999 - 2005

2006 - 2012

2013 - 2019

Tea check: drinkable

my love life: the non-existent

I know why it hasn't happened yet. In my mind soulmates meet, recognise each other, get married and have kids. I didn't realise my people-pleasing was taking over everything I needed to do some soul-searching and learn some self-love. now that ... I would say almost tripped myself of my people-pleasing personality ( I don't think it will be something that is totally gone) I have no doubt I will be married within 3 years based on my intuition.

my dreams are impossible before they become possible. the doubts make my walls stronger.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: I accidentally wrote my instead of all. I think I'll leave it, writing this from now on.

Morning Page #227 Peaceful and calm

 No washing plates not even a visit to the toilet my mum came in my room to say she needed the ipad and some peace for god leaflets printed.

10:50 am a cup of peppermint and strawberry tea in front of me. Family Guy on the laptop slept to it.

I think that sometimes I write a morning page when I'm angry but today I'm not. Just peaceful and calm. My next appointment is on the 26th of July. Period ended a few days ago. Electricity and gas...well electricity is low but I'm chill about it.

I just got three packages in the mail

Tea check: too hot.

I'm obsessed with the doughnut fidget toy I brought from TikTok. The collection of rubbers I got is pretty cute. Also got two card decks one Oracle and one tarot. and some clothes and a set of cute toothbrushes.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.