Morning Page #263

Woke up at 5:10 am then again at 10:10 am. My niece came to my room so I thought everyone was out. I brushed my teeth and made myself a cup of tea.

10:45 am a cup of innings (Revitilise) in front of me. I stood in front of the cupboard for a minute p. I didn't want to make a hot chocolate. I have so many teas, too many choices. I remembered very little of my dream. I had a baby. Meaning I was a mother. Slept to episodes of Family Guy on Disney+

I just want to be left alone. That's a sentence that has been running in my head for days. I am so scared about being in a place I don't want to be. I mean I've been through depression twice. I'm scared of driving down the road to depression city. I know that things are changing I know my survival mode is soon ending. I have a brilliant idea that I know will work. The thing is I don't want to be in a rush. I don't want to push myself out of my comfort zone like I have in the past. I want to enjoy what is to come, every step of it. Anyway, I did some research and I think the course is online which eases my mind a little. I did a customer service course in 2022. Which is why I'm reluctant for any retail-based course. All it gave me was anxiety and stress. I need to let it go. This is what God is trying to teach me. Nothing is a mistake. This course, I need to focus on the positives. Nothing I don't want or am not ready for will come to pass in Jesus' name.

45 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #262

Woke up at 8:26 am and went to the toilet. I was tossing and turning al all night because I was anxious about my appointment tomorrow. A quick shower then I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.

9:36 am cup of twinnings quiet mind (vanilla, and rooibos) in front of me. Right now I am on TikTok, but I was binging Family Guy episodes on "Disney+. I also Slept to it.

I am very aware of the consequences of my actions. I mean I am turning 40 this year. I can't afford to put myself in a position I don't need to be in. I wish Universal Credit understood that searching for work as a 17/18-year-old is different from an almost 40-year-old. I really need to be left alone.  But I'm also juggling not being seen as lazy or not doing enough to look for work. I just need this to be removed.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.