Morning pages #124 I might not post this no: 2 (crush)

 6:56 AM Plate of Jollof rice in front of me. I'm eating it because my stomach is a little uncomfortable and the jollof rice is a little peppery. Although it was better before I took a bite, so there’s that.

 

I've got myself a bit of a routine this year. Write in my ‘start the day with gratitude,’ book. Then prayer map for women (but not every day). then my diary which says, ‘live your dream,’. Then my ‘one line a day,’ Diary. Then my question-and-answer journal. I also started doing 21 days a time affirmations/ love affirmations. I originally was doing it to have something to post on TikTok. it's now in the 5th month of doing it…(it's so annoying when you're thinking about a word but can't remember it like someone just reached in and removed it from your head)... it served as a tool to change my mindset (served doesn't sound right, I'm using it anyway). It's stuff like ‘the partner I seek is also seeking me,’ That's my favourite. I use it in the way it's meant. I don't think I will meet my future hubby tomorrow… scratch that and let's be honest here because that's the point of these. My crush person I'm in love with we will call me and say they've been an idiot can we start again and will you be my girlfriend. hey, a girl can dream. The great thing about impossible dreams it cost me nothing no money at least when it's in the impossible stage (I don't think that last bit should be there without the bit I crossed out I'm leaving it though) a couple of days ago I started my own affirmation

‘I'm letting go of the things I can't control, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, I'm not late, I'm not running out of time, just here right now… exactly,’

 

31 minutes, see you when I see you

 

Morning pages #123 HSP

 9: 40 am

A bowl of fruit (well not anymore but I’m writing it here anyway) in front of me Family guy season 5 on Disney+ on the mac. I know there’s a better way to say that. 

 

I really enjoy these quiet moments before everyone has woken up. And you just have the time to enjoy the outside sounds. Of course, everyone has woken up now. 

I’m also binging Good mythical morning from the beginning. I forgot I was doing that but I’m back to it now. Been watching that show since 2014 to say it's changed is an understatement, you know growth and all that. I think watching this show is a good example of learning to put myself first. In the past, I would watch every episode because I wanted to show my support, now I don’t. My reason is…I don’t know if you know this about me but I’m an HSP (highly sensitive person) things affect me strongly. I skip the episodes with guest stars/ some…I was going to write some crew members, but I haven’t been watching those episodes at all this year. Awkward and cringe, I feel it in my whole body. Most of us know what it’s like to feel someone else’s cringe. Were like that was uncomfortable but 30 minutes max you’ve moved on to something else. It sticks with me for a week/ forever. 

It’s frustrating being an HSP but also kind of wonderful because not everyone experience this.

 

31 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

Morning pages #122

 7:15am a cup of twinning’s defence tea, it’s just citrus  (I’m guessing lemon since it’s on the packet #sample) and ginger def was a good purchase. Currently watching the big leap, it’s good I’m loving it so far. Between you and me I’m not that impressed with the dancing so far though the acting is exceptional, Scott Foley…love him.

Update: the dancing got better, way better whoa.

Question, why was mum with child’s mum unsupportive then when she didn’t get it she changed to supportive. In fact, no one was supportive except Mike's friends. I love that about them.

 

UC is on my mind. I’m beating myself up for saying yes when I 100% wanted to say no. I go to these appointments and I sit while my work coach goes through a list. Suggestions that are unspokenly (probably not a word) mandatory. Because as someone who is 100% me. Who has been in this system since I was 17 I know what I need. My last job was 5 years ago, which I’m fine with. The only reason I feel pressured to say yes is because they need to be seen like they’re doing something.  Man being a people pleaser is frustrating as hell. Saying yes is easy, After you’ve said it that’s it. No one needs a why when you say yes. Saying no comes with a need for a need explanation 'Because I don’t want to,' is never good enough.

 

1 hour 38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #121 Here's what is happening in my life

 11:35 AM jollof rice and bargue (how do you smell spell) barbeque chicken in front of me. That’s what we eat for breakfast in this house. I felt like I wanted to write one today and I'm trying to right move these. I was listening to Bruno Mars's new album but now I'm listening to nothing because my computer was playing up, how good is that album, though.

 

let's take a cue from a title in my prayer map for women book

 

Here's what is happening in my life  and assume I haven't said this before.

 

first of all universal credit/jobcentre is still p***ing me off. I think it's more job centre because I have fewer problems with my actual benefit. It's not perfect by all means but it's doing its best. With the jobcentre you deal with people and for the most part, they are great but the other part you are just a number to them. Listen I don't know how many victims ‘cough’ I mean claimant one work coach deals with individually a week but how about making it a little personal. I started writing (or I'm still if I wrote it before) writing down what I do by hour. (I'm pretty sure I wrote this next bit before now but I'll continue) It may sound obsessive but (I need to not write the word but so much) I'm trying to deviate away from the perfection part my personality (def think I wrote this next part before) and more into whatever happens, happens.

Because our lives are not set in stone, the end will be {aka death} And the beginning was but (damn it) however how we get there is up to us.

 

31 minutes, see you when I see you.