Morning Pages #108

9:49am a cup of hot water and a bowl of rice in front of me (because I’m hungry). Someone made us some rice and chicken the other day. Ah, the perks of being a Bishops daughter. 

I’m a celebrity season 20 started on Sunday. I always wait a few days before watching because of my anxiety. I not going to say why because I don’t want to explain myself and I’ve learnt I don’t have to that anymore. Accepting my high sensitivity was a turning point for me. In the past, I would have just kept that to myself. I hesitated a bit before writing it. It’s the fear of being judged. I am just now realising that I am that way because I have experienced it in my life. Try to be honest and they react like ‘Why though,’ say I don’t know, and they think you’re lying. Can’t blame them because it’s ‘gut reaction,’ and most people don’t have a filter. I used to expect the people around me to behave the way I would and when they didn’t, I couldn’t understand it. I thought I was the problem now I know we are both in the right. It’s our brains are wired differently.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #107 Imagine its now.

 

7:27 AM a Cup of tea pigs clean n green, national lampoon's vacation Netflix. I've been binge-watching diagnosis murder episodes (I mean seasons) for the past few weeks.

It's been…(I'm going to guess at least a month) since the last entry. I was motivated to write one today because yesterday I was doing some spring cleaning. I came across the diary I wrote when I was in hospital eight years ago in March. It was a turning point for me as you can imagine. 2020 has been a year of answered questions for me. I did a lot of souls searching, a ton of writing. I see what I wrote in a different light. Whilst in hospital I figured out what I needed.

a few days ago I came across a YouTube advert talking about thinking about your dream/ future life being your present. It makes sense doesn't it, something to think about.

26 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #106 Happy Birthday

 9: 57 am, 8 out of 10 cats on my mac. A cup of tea in front of me, Apple in my hand. I’ve started to peel the skin of my apple’s. As a woman with dentures, it just makes it easier.

Today is my 36th birthday. I told my mum I didn’t want a party this year and I meant it. The reason is not important to you but it’s 100% important to me and that’s all that matters.

Although it’s the main reason it’s not the only reason. I am who I am, I need to be able to do what I want on my birthday and not put on a smile. It doesn’t mean I’m sad, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means I’m more comfortable when I’m on my own. I’m learning that’s ok because we all need what we need. I am vocalising what I want and need for the first time and it’s not easy. It’s not something I grew up with, It’s a little out of character. Even for my mother

“You what…are you ok?” (she didn’t say that but, I could see it in her eyes)

Here’s the thing, if I’m going to be alive on this earth for the next 66 years potentially. I need to be able to live the best way I need to be happy. Which means some alone time more than I need to be around people. I’m shy and I’m quiet, of course, it’s what I need. And that’s ok.

22 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #105

10:44 AM, 8 out of 10 cats on my Mac. It came back for it's 20th season yesterday so I have one new episode to watch.

Should I make myself a Cup of tea (knowing full well I'm only doing it to write it in here)

Ah...no, I'm going to make breakfast for myself in a few minutes.

I made a TikTok account the other day, I'm obsessed. It's made me want to be creative.

My book is still less than 10,000 words. If I was a betting woman, I would say not going to complete it this year. That's okay I'll change my goal to 10,000 words by the end of the year. Everything else is a bonus.

My birthday is coming up soon,  I've decided what I need is nothing. I need the day to be about me and not about people/a person who needs to be the centre of attention like they need to breathe. Nowadays I'm starting to care less about what people think of me (not at all, I'm still me). So I will be telling people not to come over, that would be my gift to myself.

33 minutes, see you when I see you.  

Morning pages #104

8:48 am cup of tea in front of me. Watching YouTube watch list (Carrie Hope Fletcher and Oliver Ormson Boob back rub…?)

The thing I want people to know about me is I will never do anything without thinking about it first (and again, and one more time for good measure). So whatever I do and say is for a reason no matter what. It really, really bothers me when people look at me like

‘You know there is another (simpler) way you can do that,’

Yes, I do, but this way works for me.

I am a sensitive person; I’ve known this since I was six. I’m just sick of apologizing for it. I’m the type of person who whatever is said to me or done to me hits my heart, the good and the bad. In the past I have thought of that as well as being awkward, even being shy and quiet were negative traits. What I now know is these are things that that are part of me just like the colour of my skin. There have been moments in my life that have made living it easier. Like when I found out that going through depression was a shared experience or when I found out what depression was. The day I found out I wasn’t alone also the same time I got a better understanding of shyness and confidence. Because up to that point I had only my experience with shyness, which is all day every day. I never knew that some people are shy or lack confidence in a certain situation and confident in others. In a way, I  feel like my shyness was the worst because at least if you lack confidence when you’re addressing a group of people verse just hanging out you can avoid those situations. Not forever because it’s always good to leave your comfort zone. I recently had a revelation that has also made me live my life better. I had a deep conversation (that person knows who they are) the gist of it was here are my experiences and therefore here’s how I think you should handle it. It’s been a few days and I’ve had a revelation about the situation. That it’s different people same situation, it’s not necessarily going to be the same reaction. I need to respect that and I hope that given time not that they will see my side but that you respect the reason behind my actions even if you disagree. I, in turn, will from this moment stop putting everyone else's feelings above my own.

 1 hour 14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #103

10:48 AM, Cup of tea and eight out 10 cats does countdown on my Mac. I haven't watched that show in months, just decided to binge-watch it from the beginning.

I'm going through a confusing, unsure period in my life. If you know me (or at least read these pages) you know I'm an overthinker so I never do things without thinking about it first. 

I'm unsure because when I have to have my first appointment at the jobcentre after coronavirus calms down. I know I need to be brutal about what I need and what I don't. I need to be honest about all the courses I'm put on (some of them are mandatory) there are decisions that I have made that to the outside world seemed like making my situation worse. They don't see the rest of it all they're seeing is a quarter of it. to be honest it's been a weight lifted off my shoulder (literally I'm standing up straighter) What I thought I needed in the past is different from what I need today. I thought I needed to take every confidence-building class going but I need to accept who I am. I thought I needed to make everyone happy to keep the peace but I need to make myself happy first even if it means no peace. I was reminded a couple of days ago that I was doing the right thing when they said ‘the most important person is you,’ so true.

29 minutes, see you when I see you       

Morning Pages #102

9:40 am youtube on my phone.

I made a smoothie this morning Rasberry, banana, kiwi, melon, blueberries. I went back and forth about putting apple and orange in it (I thought it might be too much) I'm glad I did.

I'm writing this on my mac (not my laptop because I mistakenly switched off the charger last night). I think I like typing it up first.

I had another dream about my crush. I think all in all I'm grateful for my feelings because it taught me what love is. Maybe in 10 years, nothing will have changed. and I know what you're saying out there

"girl you need to move on,"

"Easier said than done, mate."

Current mood: Happy

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #101

05 am, Sitting here at my kitchen table, Family guy on my TV. I’m typing this on my laptop (correction my mum’s laptop) I haven’t done it like that before I usually write it on paper first before I type it up. I must tell you I prefer it that way it seems on my laptop I correct as I go which is distracting. Though on paper I write faster because of what I just mentioned. I did a brain dump the other day and it was great.  It’s sort of like morning pages except you write whenever. The thing with Family Guy is it’s very stereotypical with its jokes and I feel like I can say this because I’m a fan, at this point I’ve seen every episode. Like I think of Family guy as a stand-up show. It’s not my intention to upset you. My goal is to make you laugh as many times as I can for the next 20 to 30 minutes. It’s like EastEnders (when I used to watch it) people would go on all the time about this show is miserable. Yea no s*** Sherlock. But I didn’t care because somehow the show made me happy. And every time a character mentioned the name of a place, I pass all the time I got happier. Saying that it’s a different story now, I haven’t watched EastEnders in…I’m fairly sure over a year. I just don’t get the same feeling, all the things I felt about it has changed, not including the things I said before. I guess I just grew out of it.

I have something that I was going to write that has escaped my mind now. I was thinking about the coronavirus and the fact that my mum went out today (or yesterday) and said that it’s calming down. She seems happy about that, I’m not. This may sound ridiculous, but I don’t care about the coronavirus, don’t get me wrong I care about people dying. I’m just more worried about what happens when it’s all over. I was so content in my world of not having to do anything and not having to go anywhere. You know what would ease my mind if the jobcentre doesn’t go back to normal until next year, that would ease my mind.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #100

10: 56 am, no nothing, Family Guy on my Mac.

 

I woke up and went to the toilet. Whist in there I got the inspiration to write in my book ‘After Time,’ right now I’m going through the chapters starting with the last one. It works I completed the last one. Yesterday I tackled chapter 9. That one is a little longer so it’s going to take more than one day. I want to tackle another chapter a day then I will go back and review it from the beginning. This has made me write in my book for 3 days in a roll. Worried for a bit last night about my book not being where it should be. I stopped myself because I haven’t been writing in it every day for the last 4 months. I need to change that. I could finish this before December 2020.

 

Excuse me while I tackle chapter 9.

 

9 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #99

7:30 am, A cup of tea the last episode of the return to Sherlock on my Mac. I wonder what I will watch after, maybe the next episode that is on itv3. I thought this was the last episode but because it is on autoplay it went to the hound of Baskervilles episode. That is from the recent Sherlock as well, I think I will watch that after this.

Writing my book every day has been great it is how I have written 1000 more words than it was.  It is 5 months since I stopped putting sugar in my tea. I think that and my change in diet has made me feel better overall. I’ve taken to wearing a vest top and knickers when I sleep. I love my body more than I do not.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.   

Morning Pages #98 Good sleep

5: 55 am, I love it when I wake up after trying to fall asleep all night, especially when you have nowhere to be. A cup of tea, the return of Sherlock on my Mac, not the recent one. Inspector Morse, Lewis, Marple, Poirot, and now Sherlock. This series is great because ther are about 18 episodes on itv player. I have kinda been watching less Netflix this past few weeks because of this. I just add shows to my list, I will get to them eventually. 4 pieces of toast and jam (is it and or with, with seems more likely) in front of me, I know it's early don't judge me. I had two yesterday and was craving it during the night.
Btw Jeremy Brett is my favourite Sherlock, no offence to Benedict Cumberbatch, I still love your version too.

21 minutes, see you when I see.

Morning Pages #97

11: 22 am, a cup of fresh ginger and water in front of me. I have not had fresh garlic and water for a while it is ok, but it is not a favourite. I would probably put it last after Lemon and Lime, but I still like it. Agatha Christie's Marple on my Mac. There are 18 episodes, so I have been watching it for days. One of the things I love about this show is the amazing guest stars. Even people I never thought would be on (looking at you Holly Willoughby)

Yesterday was the 21st day of the 21 days of abundance I was doing. The last day was to review in a video, audio, or text form. I choose text form. I wrote it out first, then when it came time to record, I couldn't do it. It felt like when I talk to someone on the phone and I forget things I wanted to say.

"I advise you to make a video next time,"

I started overthinking and regretting. I tell myself I know why I did it that way and that's good enough for me.

My eyes just started itching again.

I am so grateful for these Morning Pages. It is going to help me to write my books, writing without a filter, without editing along the way. I have been learning to do that with my feelings. That includes being in love. I think I reached a turning point when I admitted it to myself only last year. I always told myself it was just a crush (even though it has been 10+ years). I  told myself everything to get rid of my feelings. Just like I did my shy and quietness. Not that he is a horrible person no regrets about not telling even though he is not single now.

"My feelings are valid,"

My wrist always aches when I write on paper and I get pins and needles in my ring finger and my little finger only (for some reason). Maybe there is something I can use or do to stop it; I will look it up after this.  

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #96 FH letters

7:23 AM, Well I thought it's about time I started writing these again..., I don't know how long the last one was. I think at least a week, maybe more.

Update: It was 3 weeks, thereabouts.

It’s one of those I haven’t been to sleep and also haven’t done anything productive. As I stayed up all night unless you count watching TV productive. Even though I haven’t been to sleep I'm still wide awake. So I sit on my bed with a cup of tea (carefully) and inspector Morse (the first episode) On my Mac.
PS: some of the acting in the first episode at least was questionable, but let’s not get into that, this show is a treasure.

My eyes have been itching me for days. I mean I know they say rubbing them makes it worse, ah, I just can’t help it. Whoops, I better check my tea, I bet it’s cold now…almost. Now I have my tea in my hand so the rest of this will be slow.

A few days ago I found myself on Google researching wants vs needs. Which from previous morning pages you will know I’m obsessed with. Anyway, somehow I got on to FH letters, future husband. I wrote my first one in 2015 after a family members wedding rehearsal. The feeling is you never regret it whether you end up getting married or not. That letter was written as a poem. I regret not writing FH letters from the beginning. I do regret that more than I regret not telling that guy how I was feeling.

25 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #95

8:43 a.m. A cup of tea in front of me, never have I ever on Netflix. I thought I'd take a break from binge-watching Highway to Heaven. This is very short.
I haven't written a morning page for about a week. I am awake now so I might as well write it.

Just reached the part in 'Never have I ever,' when a character comes out to her mum. And oh my... tears, this show though don't. It was honest, the mom's reaction was honest. She said  ' I don't know what to say,' and then she later said 'Nothing you say will make me not love you,' it got me thinking about the fact that this scene would never be in Highway to Heaven bearing in mind it was made in the 80s.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #94

11:31 AM, a cup of spiced orange and mint tea in front of me...yea.
I came across an app yesterday that helps you to develop habits. If you want to lose weight or wake up early in the morning, for example, it's called 21 days. I started the happiness one, the first day is to listen to your favourite song. That’s a long list, to be honest.

Darius colourblind is playing right now.

I'm thinking if I should start more than one challenge at the same time, there’s one called declutter. I've been slipping up with my morning routine and my challenge to write in my book every day. I haven't written a morning page since the 19th of April. Yesterday I did a full yoga routine 17 and a bit minutes, I was very proud of myself. So, we’re starting today I woke up at 11:09 am, that's the time I set for my take a selfie a day challenge, which I have been slipping up on lately. I can tell you this for nothing it won't be 366 photos.

14 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #93

11:27 AM, a cup of green tea and six crackers and butter. That's what it's come to, not really. We've just run out bread is all. Highway to Heaven on my Mac. Finish the whole series so I'm watching it again.

I'm thinking about suicide (not for me). it's a very worrying time and I know a lot of people are feeling uncertainty.
I wish I could hug each one of you, but I can't. I wrote something on my Facebook group for encouragement.

I hope it helped someone out there.
9 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Pages #92

10:48 AM, A cup of hot water and lime in front of me. season three of Highway to Heaven on my TV.

I'm writing this on my kitchen table (and not my coffee table) for two days in a roll. I need to do that more often. I usually do it on my bed And I know that's not good for me.

Just stop to write something I'm going to put on Facebook, on my depression group. believe me, social media is an excellent distraction in the current madness of the world.

Here's what I wrote
binge-watching highway to heaven and it got me thinking.

What would your Guardian Angel say to you?

Everything will be okay
Or
don't be so hard on yourself.
Or
give yourself a break.

what about you?

So what about you?
18 minutes, see you when I see mute.   

Morning pages #91

10:07 AM, a cup of hot water in front of me, only water.

I hate it when I need to use the...(I was going to write that email about I can't find out how to spell it) I know how to say it 'mo fi yag be,' But I know that's the wrong spelling. I need to poo. I'm going to have to pause this.

Sometimes I like to thank God, 4 remind me to turn the cooker or not making me late for my jobcentre appointments (although I was late once) my work coach says she'll sanction me if I'm late no exceptions, which to me seems unfair if it's under your control, but it's just me.

25 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #90 to post or not to post

733 AM, a cup of green tea in front of me. Haven't been to sleep, I've been the binge-watching highway to heaven, but that's not why I didn't sleep. I'm feeling frustrated and angry, again not why I haven't slept. It's the demon, aka my grandmother.

Morning pages for me is about my honest feelings. I probably won't put it on my blog, but I will put it in the book I'm planning.

...so anyway my honest feeling, I hate her, and that's the truth no two ways about it. See when I was younger I just accepted that that's just the way she is. The walking on eggshells attitude you know flipping a coin and whatever the outcome what's wrong and how dare you to choose that one. No, when I went through my depressions and came out the other side, I stopped treating myself like something on the bottom of my shoe. Which radically changed my relationship with her. I don't accept it from myself no way in hell I'm taking it from someone else. When I look at the demon I don't see the times I would hide in my room, and she would bring me food snacks…I just stopped to think about what other good things she did for me and I can't. I guess being born because I wouldn't be here if she weren't….I see horns and red eyes, aka the demon.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: I decided to put this on the blog, it's about my honest feelings after all       

Morning Pages #89

11:24 AM, a cup of hot water and lime in front of me. Ferris Bueller's day off on my TV in the living room on Netflix without doing some magic with a connection, I love how far we've come. I thought I'd go for an 80's night. Next, I'll be watching 'The Breakfast Club' (love that movie, my top 10)  Then Annie maybe.

I'm doing well with my write something for my book every day, but then again this is only the second day. I think I procrastinate so much because I think about what to write when I start writing words flow.

God said to me you need to be brutal. When you are looking at the blank page wondering what to write next leave it and come back to it later time. Even if all you've written is three words.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.
 

Morning Pages #88

6:45 AM, a cup of water and fresh garlic in front of me, I'm sold. a packet of crisps (two to be exact) don't judge me. Silent Witness on my Mac.

I was woken up to print something out for my mum so I might as well do this now.

it's my mums annual Good Friday celebration. this year for the first time going live, for obvious reasons.

I think I finally found my flow with the second book. I wrote a bit yesterday. I think I'm going to have to be serious about my approach if I'm going to finish this book this year, like writing something every day.

I tell a lie it was three packets of crisps.

14 minutes, see you when I see you    

Morning Pages #87

10:56 AM, a cup of fresh garlic and water in front of me. I think it's going to be like anything I have ever added to water (lime, lemon, ginger) bitter, I'll let you know.

my mom asked me to go shopping the other day
'No way, I'm not leaving this house until the government says it's safe,'
is she serious, I mean she must be joking. I said no, and she said coronavirus doesn't affect you; it only affects people over 60. What...does she think only people over 60 have died so far, doesn't she care that I might die.
That's is why I don't understand people I see out my window who are not just doing exercise. I've seen one person who was doing exercise since self-isolation. I have to trust these people work for the NHS, supermarkets (I tell a lie; it's been more than one person, people with their kids) Or going for a walk.

My hands stink of garlic still. That's a downside that will stop me drinking it, regardless of how it tastes. I know it won't be amazing.

I don't know about my fellow introverts, but I am loving self- isolation. I do not love why we're here, and I worry, I think I worry a normal amount. Honestly, I would say I'm more worried about what's going to happen after.

If you are struggling with self-isolation, I would say think about the positives these are just five of mine.

1 I don't have to do anything and I don't have to go anyway.
2 I'm cooking more.
3 I have plenty of time to watch the 100 plus shows I need to catch up on.
4 My worries are less at least temporarily because of number one.
5 it's got to me back into yoga and meditation.

I hope you all are OK remember
'Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day,'
focus on that.

22 minutes, see you when I see you this week.

Morning pages #86

11:25, a cup of water and fresh ginger in front of me. My mum drinks water and fresh garlic... Yeah, I know. But you know my motto in life is

'Don't knock it till you try it,' (within reason)

One of these days I will try it. Still binge-watching hustle. I don't know if I wrote this yesterday (and I'm not going to check) I went back to suits and stopped watching (I feel like I might have said wrote something about this yesterday)

Anyway, where was I...I'm going to try and write and cross off the said, I have crossed out words in my writing before just couldn't find out how to do it. Which is funny because I've always seen it before.

uh... It oh it's after one episode I'm not feeling the last season... Ok, 100-percent sure I said it in in yesterday's morning pages.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #85

10:05 a.m. A cup of peppermint tea in front of me. it's my favourite type of that tea because I’m a girl of simple tastes, Suits on my Mac.

I went back after I left it for a few weeks. I can't remember what I was watching instead, but I do remember that I wasn’t into the season I stopped at, Season 7 (the last episode to be exact) Many reasons one being I didn't like one of the new actors, I hate when that happens. Which is funny because I liked him in another show, I loved him in another show.  That spoils my enjoyment of it. It's all very well having celebrities I know or a good story and 90% brilliant actors, but that one person ruins it for me. Makes me not want to watch it at all. It's like me and fish with bones. I just want to put the food in my mouth and chew, I don't want to have to eat slowly and watch out for bones.

The demon is pissing me off.

I'm not feeling you Suits Season 8. I might just go back to Hustle. This is like the 5th time I've binge-watched the whole season since the self-isolation.

21 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #84

11:21 a.m, another day another season of hustle.

No nothing because my mum is doing the live broadcast and I don't want to disturb her right now. I'm sitting on the second bed the one that isn't my own to stop the demon (aka my grandma) from going into the living room. The reason I call her that (not to her face mind you) is because that's what she has become to me, that's how she behaves. It's not the fact that she doesn't shut up, even if she isn't talking there is still sound coming out of her mouth. She makes an mmm mmm sound that is like a foghorn. Zero common sense, zero sympathies. I think the one reason I hate her it's because she doesn't use her brain. I know that just as much as I know I'm in love and have been for 5 years (pretty sure that the guy could work out who he is if he read that)

Between you and me I don't think it's always because she can't. I know it sometimes is she's 99 just like her forgetting where the bathroom is occasionally or not being able to decide whether to go to the living room or to lie down in bed. The demon is the smartest person I know, but she's also a nuisance and a pain. You know I pick out the things I think she does on purpose, but what I don't know for sure. No one is there to tell me it's because of the age or she can't help it all I have is my gut. I am a see the good in it type of girl. She is the reason I spend my spear time doing brain teaser games and Candy Crush games because I don't want to turn out like her. Everyone around me talks about its old age so I'm doing everything I can right now to stop that happening to me. It would be my worst fear so much so that if I end up like her I would want someone to kill me.

Wow, that's deep, It was my only one rule when I why I started this morning pages. I edit, I edit a bit (using Grammarly) I am a perfectionist after all. It doesn't stop me being 100% honest in these morning pages the fact that I actually post them. I think that maybe the reason the person who made morning pages (or at least wrote a book about it recently) made that  rule is because you'd be free to say what you like no filter, along with other reasons, creativity etc etc.

My grandma came to this country when I was 7 or 8 and from what I know now it's the worst thing that happened to me, good for her, but for me not so much. The only way I can describe her is poison. Not gonna lie I blame my mum for bringing her here because she didn't think of the whole family. Just like I blame her for not listening to my nursery teachers who said I should be tested, but that's a story for another day. What I want to know, is this how she has always been. The reason I don't ask my mum is the same reason I don't ask a job I didn't get for feedback; I don't want to know (or at least I'm scared to know) the answer. I'm hoping that she was not like this when my mum was growing up. My Grandma has had an eventful life, none of which excuses behaviour. She's the reason why one of my mottos (not sure that is the right word) is I don't care what you've been through the way you treat people is a choice (life rules perhaps) still doesn't sound right. That's going to be on my mind now.

Ps: I chickened out and change the year, so 5 years it's not the correct number it could be more it could be less, you will never know.

1/5 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #83

11:21 am cup of tea in front of me no. I recently brought a box of PG Tips from Amazon, that's what it's come to. Days after I ordered it my mum ordered some shopping from the social workers. They have this thing to do your shopping if you are vulnerable and we get that because my grandma is 99 years old.

BBC Hustle on my Mac don't get it twisted I still prefer windows, but mac is better for watching shows on.

Reason 1: I don't like it, it doesn't have Microsoft word and I can't download it for reasons that are beyond my control, plus I don't have an Apple ID (not that I need one to use it hence why I'm watching shows on it,)

Hustle is such an underrated show, it's brilliant. Starred Adrian Lester, Marc Warren, Robert Glenister, Robert Vaughn and Jamie Murray.

I'm trying to see the positive of self-isolation or quarantine whatever you want to call it. Notice I say isolation and not Coronavirus. I worry (maybe anxious is a better word) about the coronavirus, but not as much as I worry about spending my time wisely. Which I'm trying not to focus on. I started a yoga and meditation 30-day challenge yesterday, of course, I did.

April fool's Day was yesterday. All-day I was thinking I was just going to wake up from a dream, that someone was going to say it was all just one big joke.

20-minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #82

10:25 am, no nothing again today.

My mum is going overboard with her...uh...home remedies/ hacks for cleansing the home.  she's going to cook skins of fruits and inhale them. she put onion around the house. The latest is to wash everything in saltwater. The thing that's keeping me from saying what I'm  thinking from not saying this is ridiculous is she might be right.

Yes, I strongly don't think she is right, but I can't know for sure.

I was able to edit A YouTube video yesterday. One that I won't be posting for a while.

    

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #81

11: 03 am no nothing, I am watching Family Guy season 4.

We are in self-isolation, so I haven't left the house in a week (that's no different to if I wasn't in self-isolation, to be honest) I feel a little dear I say it....bored.

I need to use my time wisely. maybe I won't be able to finish this book, but I can make a dent in it. I've been thinking about my crush a lot recently (I never stop really) thinking about what his life is like now, what he's doing, how he is handling the isolation.

Overall, I feel happy about not being able (or more accurately not having to go out) because I'm not worried about the fact that I don't have a job or the fact I spend most of my time indoors. I'm not worried about the coronavirus, the only time I worry is when I reminded by the news, so I’ll just stay away from that.

12 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #80

9: 10 am, no nothing because my mum is doing her daily live broadcast on Periscope. something I haven't got the bug off yet, I say yet because I feel like it's something I will get into as opposed to something I never will like Snapchat and tik T.O.K (never say never)

my second book has been sitting untouched for at least a week, so I need to get back to that. I am also doing my poem a day challenge for this year, so I have that on my mind as well.

I was thinking about what things I stopped doing that make my life better, of which I can think of 2 as I write this.

number one: I stopped comparing myself to others.

number 2: I don't feel the need to explain myself to others.

because everything happens for a reason, I guarantee my reason will mean nothing to you, but it means something to me and that's all that matters.

19 minutes, see you when I see you.     

Morning Pages #79

11:21 am, no nothing in front of me because I’m about to go and make breakfast for the whole house, of which there are 3.

Why? No big reason you know, sometimes you do something just because.

I’m still trying to find my flow with the second book ‘After Time’. It’s 400 and something words right now, and it’s been that way for a week now. I did promise myself I wasn’t going to look at the word count (as much) that’s why it’s 400 and something. I felt this way many times writing the first, so I don’t think this one will any different. I ‘ll get past this hurdle. Maybe I should think about writing other scenes that would probably be a good idea, but I’m not too fond of things out of order.

9 minutes, see you when I see you 

Morning pages #78

10:40 am a cup of hot water in front of me.

I have an appointment at the jobcentre at 1:30 today.

I’m not looking forward to it...I never look forward to it.

I always see my appointments…always worry extremely about them even though it’s always okay.

I always think the worst is going to happen like my work coach will kill me, even though she is the sweetest person alive and that probably won’t happen. It’s not only when I know I’m going to be late(which I won’t be today)

(update: I wasn’t, but it was touch and go)

It’s every time I have an appointment, that’s why I know I need to be done with the jobcentre and also why I know I need to move out. Both of those things probably won’t happen this month or next.

I hope it happens soon.

Eleven minutes, see you when I see you.   

Morning Pages #77 Love life

10:31 am, no drink in front of me, just Graze snacks, came 20 minutes ago. I recently switched from the baker box to the everything box or savoury box. So, I get a lot of nuts in my box. Now actually come to think about it I think that has a lot to do with why I’ve lost some weight, along with the drinking more water habit.

I’ve been thinking about my love life or lack thereof. Who are we kidding as a single woman over 18 I’m always thinking about it, but particularly after watching Buzzfeed’s the truth about being a single woman,’ a few weeks ago. How the media influences and yea. Do I want to fall in love, get married, have kids (in that order) because that’s what I want or because anything else would be unacceptable? Yes I want it, but for me since I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, let alone in 10 years. I’m trying not to think the meeting someone ending as the be-all and end-all. I’m thinking of it as something to tick off my list as opposed to something to complete me, make me whole.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #76 Book 2

9:45 am, a bottle of water in front of me instead of tea (it probably won’t become a habit) because I’m trying to drink more water.

It’s been 38 days or five weeks since my last blog post, two days before I posted my first novel ‘In my shoes,’ on amazon. First attempt didn’t go well because it ended up in A4 form. So I had to warn people not to buy it until I got it fixed, I hope no one brought it. I think this is just something I will laugh about in the future. At least now I know what to do with the next book. I started it four days ago, it’s called ‘After Time’.  I think I started the last book around this time too. Don’t want it to take as long as the first. I’m aiming for it to be done this year, but I’m trying not to put too much presser on myself.

30 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning pages #75 book done, what next?

8:05am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I’m watching the Netflix shows Medical Police, one word hilarious.

This year is going to be great for me so far, I finished the novel I’ve been trying to write for almost two years.

Things on my to-do list:

Get published

Make some videos for YouTube including a new year’s resolution review for last year. I think I’m also going to do a Vision board video. I found an app that will make it easier to make one. And while we’re on the subject I have become obsessed with apps. I think it’s because I have a new phone that has a lot of space.

24 minutes. See you when I see you

Morning pages #day 74 Boiler problems

10:30am, Nothing in front of me, I am about to make some lemon water drink. I’ve had a sore throat for days. It’s sort of getting better.

Our house is falling apart first it was the bathroom. Now the boiler has stopped working, turning itself on and off. We called someone yesterday and the man was about to leave because the heater was on.

‘Are you stupid, why would we call you if the heating is working, you have a brain use it,’

So I checked the water in the kitchen, it was freezing cold. He was all like it’s hard for me to work on it the heater is on, there’s nothing I can do,’

‘Do you think because this is a house of 3 women you can treat us like we don’t know what we are talking about,’ (Hell no)

He said he’s coming back later, which he did at 7pm. He did something and now the heater hasn’t stayed on. The boiler still goes on and off. 

The only option is to replace it.

And rant over.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #day 73 Sore throat again.

10:10 am, just warmed up some rice with peppermint tea. Sometimes I drink peppermint tea just because, this is not one of those times. Because I woke up with a sore throat. Don’t want to jinx it but I think it’s gone now, I have a spot on my elbow that really hurts because I kept picking at it.  It’s one of those didn’t listen to my gut things I was talking about.

Yep, my sore throat is officially gone, thank God.

This year will be great in Jesus name. It’s a year of dreams coming true and living your best life.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.