Morning page #194 no more supporting character

 Woke up at 7:14 am, and replayed the Christmas movie I fell asleep to last night. 

Happy boxing day...I don't know do people say that?

What am I talking about of course they do.

Usually, that's the day we open our presents. Mum likes to buy her presents on boxing day, but that didn't happen this year.

11:38 am Youtube watch later list on TV, a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. Also eating potatoes, parsnips, carrots and sweet potatoes. 

I am taking back control of my life. I didn't realise it before, but I was living in the passenger seat of my life. A supporting character if you like. Living through the eyes of others instead of what I want, that changes today. That was my breakthrough, it's not about being right it's about what is right for me.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do. 

21 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #193 (crush)

I woke at 10: 40 am. Lying in bed thinking should I write a morning page today. Went to the kitchen, and washed the plates (by this time I have decided, yes, I am go

11:26 am a cup of lemon tea water (with real lemons) I do not have a cold right now, I just randomly decided to make it.

You know I think lemons would be my family’s mascot (if we had one) My mum swears by it, there is always some in the house. And (I feel iffy about starting a sentence with and) whenever we were ill when we were younger, she gave us lemon tea and honey.

I feel strongly that next year will not only be different it will be the best year yet.

My mum just asked me to design her Christmas carol program (for tomorrow btw) and all I think in my head is to get used to it because this is the last time.

Oh, I forgot to say what I was watching tarot card reading.

Water/ tea check: Still hot

(It is still tea, I mean that is how you make tea (add water)

The thing with tarot card reading is I think I will stop watching them soon, I feel that. It is served its purpose. It is becoming annoying and frustrating to watch at times.

I have decided I am going to make a TikTok about my crush. My life going forward is going to be about not lying. I mostly do it because I want to come back in 5 years and say that was then this is now.

There is a woman I want to be. And until I reach that point, I have work to do.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #192

 Woke at 9: something and went to the toilet. I went to the kitchen to make some tea not thinking I would write a morning page. Then I saw that the time was 9:55 so I figured I might as well. Since the last time I wrote one was on the 6^th.

10:54am just finished a cup of Moringa tea. My life right now is more relaxed than it is anxious and full of worries. I’m working on riding my life off that part.                                                  

Years ago, when I was in a job I hated, literary 95% of it. I had to ask myself whether I see myself working here in 5 years, before I asked am I happy.                                                                                     

From now on that is always a question I ask.

Is this In my future?

List of things I’m looking forward to.

 

Christmas

No more universal credit

My life without the need to explain feelings and thoughts.

 

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point I have work to do.

16 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #191

 Woke at 10:40 am from a wonderful dream. Me and my boyfriend traveling on a boat. We must have lived on it for a few years because we had kids during too. I have decided I am gonna take dreams like this as the future, not just a dream. Why not the only one who will notice it did not happen is me.

11:48 am, I made some egg (fried) sandwiches. I cut the middle of the bread and put the egg there. It is the first thing I made that I saw in YouTube, I am very proud.

Speaking of dreams, I had one the other day. I would not really consider it a dream in the deep asleep sense. Because it is…I wanna say Rem sleep. Where you are not awake but not totally asleep either (not in deep sleep). I just hear a voice calling my name (male). It is a sound that always jolts me awake. Like the movies show someone waking from a nightmare. It is the only thing close to a recurring dream I have had. Apart from the actual recuring dream I have had (always forgot that) in the past year. I only had three maybe 4 of those dreams and then nothing since I guess because I know it’s because the lesson was learnt.

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point, I have work to do.

 

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

Morning page #190

 Woke at 8:45 am and I went to the toilet. Washed the plates and dried the clothes in the washing machine.

9:41 am, I am doing a Christmas movie a day this month. With all the 30-day challenges and affirmations I did year I thought I would finish it off with some movies. And I also brought the pukka advert calendar. Yesterday was Noelle, today is The noel diary. Tea is ‘feel new,’ it has aniseed, fennel (yuk), Cardamon and turmeric. This year has been a year of rediscovery. I have been trying to rid myself of the image of me through other people’s eyes. Like yesterday I was so exhausted on days like that I just sleep all day. It is great but I cannot help feeling guilty and like I should be doing something. I am stripping my life of the things I do not need. The things that make my anxiety flare up.

 

By the way, this movie is…it is not great. Though the female main character is an amazing singer. I remember her from Station 19.

 

There is a woman I want to be and until I reach that point, I have work to do.

 

35 minutes, see you when I see you.