Morning Pages #7 TV shows

Another early one (6:53am).  I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep, but I wasn’t tired.
Season 1 of Family Guy on my DVD player, my personal DVD player. I have nearly all of Family Guy on DVD (season 1- 16).
My left thumb was hurting when I touched it, at second glance I see that I have a small papercut injury on it, this happens a lot. I don’t know why it’s not like I sleep under some paper.
I’ve been trying to get out of the habit of using cotton buds, but it’s hard. I’ve been using baby wipes or wet tissue and putting it on my finger. The experts say don’t put anything smaller than your finger in your ear because anything smaller pushes the wax inside your ear.
My tea is still hot. Today I’m using my ‘I’d rather be watching Rizzoli and Isles mug’ It’s been almost 3 years and I still miss that show. Of all the shows I watch, fall into two categories. Shows I accidentally come across and the second shows I actively go in search of. Rizzoli and Isles was the first one, I have to admit I didn’t like Rizzoli and Isles when I first saw it, but I went back a few years later and I’m glad I did because this show became one of my favourites. Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander some of my favourite actresses.
As I finish my tea I realise I didn’t set a timer. It’s 7:30 now…so that means…step up the calculator on my phone…37 minutes, actually I didn’t need a calculator for that. That was pretty easy maths, take 3 away from 10, add it on to 30.
I also woke up with my right cheek aching but it’s gone down.  I thought it might be the same with my thumb but it’s not.
See you when I see you, that’s what I say at the end of my youtube videos.

Morning Pages #6 Season 10+

It’s even earlier than it was yesterday (5:35am). Not today sore throat, not today.

Family Guy season 17 is on my phone, that show started in 1999, 20 years. Can’t say I’ve been watching for that long, but this show is hilarious. I wonder how many shows that have 10+ season that I watch.

Supernatural is one, I’ve been watching since the last episode of season one. I’m sad it’s ending, I will miss it. I will cry in the last episode.  

Law & Order: SVU just announced it’s 21^st season. Fraser, Happy days (just been added to my Throwback Thursday videos) ER, CSI, The X Files, Grey’s Anatomy, murder she wrote, Beverly Hills 90210, American Dad, those are some of the ones I watch/ watched.

Back to Family Guy, Neil and Meg are meant to be, you know they are gonna end up getting married to each other.

Another short one today, Oh, I forgot to set the timer, it’s been about 25 minutes, but I promised myself I wouldn’t keep writing after I was done.

Morning Pages #5 Crush

It’s a little earlier today (6:35am), but I’m a little less tired. cup of tea, the tea that comes with the Graze box (their snacks are delicious).
The song Mama by the Spice Girls is in my head.
You used to be my only enemy, but never like to me be true,’
Pretty sure those are the wrong lyrics, another song I know all the words to, or at least I thought. The makings of a sore throat is brewing, luckily I brought a bunch of throat sweets last week. I hate getting a sore throat, the worst thing is I never know how I get it so it’s hard to stop it happening.
Decided to go with a Whitney Houston mix. The first song is ‘I will always love you,’ appropriate since I’ve been thinking about my crush lately. I’ve never said this out loud, I’ve never even told him, I can’t tell him, actually.
Voice in my head is saying ‘No Esther, stop,’ but I’ve started so I’ll finish.
I’ve had a crush on a guy for a long time. We met briefly and then it was over, I don’t even know we are friends because we haven’t seen each other in years, at a guess I would say yes, I still consider him my friend, I consider people I’ve known for 20 years my friends even though I haven’t seen or spoken to them in that time, not even on Facebook.
This situation has taught me a lot, what it’s like to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back (Ooh that’s a big thing to admit)
How can I know he doesn’t feel the same way if I never told him how I feel, I know trust me, think about the one thing that can make me know that he doesn’t feel the same way, that.
It’s taught me that the reason this person doesn’t share my feelings is not always about you, it is what it is. That’s what I told myself, what I tell myself every time I think of him I haven’t told anyone that, not even my best friend though I suspect she knows already, I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I think even he knows. If that is the case, I want to say thank you to him for not telling me, he doesn’t feel the same way or worse I don’t like you that way, that would have been cruel and I would have seen you differently.

I used to sing this next song ‘Greatest love of all’ in my secondary school choir. I wasn’t that familiar with the words before that, but I had heard it.

34 minutes today. I’m not ready to say this is my morning routine yet, even though technically it is…until tomorrow.

Morning Pages #4

It’s 7:12 am in the morning, I’m writing this without a hot drink and the latest episode of The Resident on my phone. I woke up because I needed to use the toilet, I’m half asleep, hate that.

You know when you are drifting off to sleep, sometimes I get these (I wouldn’t call it dreams because I’m not asleep) but I hear (I would say God/Jesus) calling my name. The voice is male and deep and strong, which is why I think it’s God. I wake, check the room, I check every room, nothing, no one called my name, unless I heard someone from next door, which I would say is very unlikely. It’s very weird, I guess you could say it’s my recurring not dream, it happens a lot.

Alec Shaw (The Resident) is so full of himself, I’m not a fan. I hate anyone who tries to get with someone in a relationship. I don’t care what you feel, if you think you and that person belong together, stay away. Also, I kind of like Conrad and Nic together so. If they break up, I blame him. If Nic cheats I blame him, Ok, not really cheating takes two, blah blah blah, but really.

I’ve been watching ‘This is us’ from the beginning, and I have loved it from the beginning. I can honestly say I love every character. Randall and Beth are #couplegoals, but I know they are about to break my heart.

It’s a short one today, but I’m also very, very tired. And I didn’t set a timer today it’s been an hour, I didn’t write the whole hour though.

See you around the same time tomorrow.

Morning Pages #3

Day number 3, 7: 59 am. I decided to go with a Spice Girls mix, arguably my favourite band of all time. Of course, they are I’m a nostalgia-obsessed but I don‘t think the Spice Girls first run was just the 90s.  I wonder how many Spice Girls songs I know all the words to.
Wannabe…tick, 2 become 1, no doubt, Say you’ll be there…of course, one of my favourites. You know when I found out Geri was leaving the band my first thought was
‘Oh, so the Spice Girls lied to me for years,’
When they said friendship last forever, they didn’t mean it. Also, when they said
‘You got to get with my friends,’ I thought, oh well, I guess people do that too.
I loved them all and I think they are all brilliant singers despite what the world says. I think Emma/ baby spice, was my number one favourite.
I’m stuck, it’s not like I don’t have anything in my head, child there’s always something in my head…I guess I’m just tired. I don’t think I can claim that I’m a morning person just yet.
Ok, in a few seconds I’m just going to write the first thing that comes to mind.
Who do you think you are,’ is playing now. I remember they used this song for Comic Relief one year through this video is the original, not the Comic Relief one. My whole class got to go to Comic Relief one year pretty sure it was 1993. I would have been 9 years old. I remember my mum made me wear this (albeit very pretty) dress and I was mad because I thought no one else is going to be dressed like this. Turned out to be a good thing because one of my school teachers said she saw me on TV, she recognised the dress.
That was my first lesson in everything happens for a reason, embrace your uniqueness. What if I got my way.
Trying not to look back at what I wrote, the timer hasn’t gone off yet which I set for 40 minutes. Looking at the time and doing some quick maths deduce that it’s been 31 minutes.
This is new I don’t think I’ve heard this one before, correction I know I haven’t heard it before, quick search released in 2007, Headlines, I’m not a fan, to be honest. Just spied a Geri and scary Spice feud reignited, I guess I know that was a thing but, I chose not to pay attention to it.
It’s nearing the end where I don’t know what to write to at the end. So I’m just going to leave it there.
Again 38 minutes, until tomorrow.

Morning pages #2

It’s day 2 and it’s 7: 13am in the morning. This is a making me a morning person and I don’t like it, actually, cold showers (which I recently started to enjoy) is what is making me a morning person, anyway I digress…

For your eyes only, that’s what I read when I typed morning pages into google yesterday. So, I wasn’t supposed to publish it. Despite that I think I’m going to continue to post it, well I am going to post it because you’re reading it right now. If I had gone on google before I started I guarantee I wouldn’t have posted it online, no matter whether I like it or not.

Yesterday I wrote without music. Honestly, I think I write more without music, but I love writing with music…dilemma.

Michael Jackson plays on my phone, on YouTube. The song in the closet is playing, which I always forget about.  

I am single, when I think about finding the one, I look at it with dread. I’m not looking forward to it but I guess I’m always searching for Mr Right, not actively, like I don’t go to clubs and bars, I don’t belong to any online dating sites. Whenever I meet someone new, I’m thinking in my head

‘Will you be the one I marry?’

I’m looking forward to dating, as in getting to know my boyfriend just not the actual search.  Those of you more experienced than me may be saying, no that’s the best thing going on dates and stuff, but for me…because I know that part is going to be infuriating.  A lot of things must fall into place for it to work out. I mean have an idea of what I want in a guy, none of it has anything to do with looks which makes it harder, I think.
Listen I’m 34 now I don’t have time for boys, I’m looking for a husband.

Oh my God, Thriller 37 years ago this year. Woah, that’s the year my brother was born. That song, the video, Michael Jackson himself still has a massive influence on music today. I’m going to briefly talk about the accusations against him. It has nothing to do with the music. That’s why I haven’t seen the R Kelly documentary (not that I see him and Michael at the same level. I honestly haven’t listened to an R Kelly song in months) because I’m not interested, I care that the girls he hurt get their justice but that’s about it, I don’t care about the ins and outs of the situation.

With Michael…if you were to say do I think he’s innocent, I would say, I don’t know that’s my answer. I’m leaning towards one, but I don’t want to say it out loud because what if I’m wrong. I can’t say 100% either way, because I wasn’t there. And the people who have an opinion, either way, I don’t understand because you don’t know.

This time I wrote for… I would say 39 minutes because I stopped a few seconds before the timer went off.

Morning Pages #1

I was recently introduced to Morning Pages by someone I admire (Shout out to Carrie Hope Fletcher)

For those of you not in the know (like I wasn’t), Morning Pages is when you wake up, make yourself a hot drink, sit down with a notepad and pen (or you could use your computer) and just write whatever is in your head, and I love that.

In her blog, Carrie mentions 30 – 40 minutes but I think I’m going to change it to an hour, or however long it takes me to finish my cup of tea.

Just looked at my tea, I’m using my family Guy mug (love that show) put my hand on the side, it’s still too hot.

And a pause while I gather my thoughts.

Just looked over at the timer 52:12 that means, quick do maths…almost 7 minutes have passed. Lately, I’ve been having problems with my eyes, they itch.  A lot and have excess sleep no matter what I do, I will clean them, put water on them but there is still sleep on the corner of my eye.

Sleep = the gunk in the corner of your eyes when you wake up hence the word sleep. I don’t know if people know that, that’s what I called it when I was growing up. When I was in primary school. One day on the playground another girl told another girl she had sleep in her eye and that’s how I knew what it was called. Just had a flashback to old school memory. I was in primary school obviously because I was just thinking about it.  We had this teacher who only worked in the playground, Lorraine. There was a day when she was putting kids on her knees and singing

‘Roll, roll, roll your boat,’

Don’t ask.

I think one kid did it and everyone else just queued up (Yea you heard me right) I think this is the one time in my life where I can honestly say the stereotype of the British loving to queue was correct, because I didn’t know what it was about first, I just queued everyone else was. Anyway, whilst I was in the queue my shyness and my awkwardness.

I love calling myself awkward because it describes me to a T, but I’d always thought of that word as a negative like I did the word shy…anyway, I digress.

All these questions going through my head will I have to ask (that was my biggest hurdle when I was a kid and a little bit now, having to speak) her for a turn or will it be obvious that I want a turn based on the fact that I’m in the queue.

Finished my tea and it’s 30: 25 on the timer, I think I will continue because I haven’t finished my thought.

When it got to me, I stood in silence, she looked at me like

‘Speak, tell me what you want,’

But then we had a non-verbal conversation and she sat me on her knee. Afterwards, I wondered what to do next, where do I go? Can I get away with queuing up again, I decided against that.

If I met that teacher again, I would say firstly that you were my favourite teacher. Also, I want to ask her what was going through her head (I’d want to ask everyone that I’ve ever had a non-verbal conversation with because it wasn’t the first and it certainly wasn’t the last) what they thought of me.

‘She is so weird?

‘Did she say something, and I missed it,’

‘Am I just supposed to guess what you want?’

That’s it, I loved doing this, I’m going to (I mean I’m going to try and continue it) we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

It’s been less than an hour, but I think I’m going to cut it there 22: 12 Maths, maths, maths. I mean I could just use the calculator on my phone, in fact, that’s what I’m going to do…38 minutes, not bad. I guess in the end I did use the 30-40 minutes guidelines.

London eye

I went to an interview at the London Eye today. For me, the problem is not getting job opportunities and job offers. The problem is decided which job interviews to go to, which one is worth it. For example, if the job is 2 hours away, I’m not going to want to bother, making that journey every day, no thank you. I have been to so many interviews now and the reason for not getting it is always                       

‘There were other candidates that were better qualified,’

Then why did you call me, If I’m not one of your top 5, if you are not at least 75 per cent sure you’re going to give me the job don’t call me because you’re wasting my time as well as yours.  And I know what you’re going to say 

‘Esther maybe they need to see you to make up their mind up, maybe they were 45 per cent and then when they saw you, they bumped it up to an 85 per cent (which has never happened)’

It’s not worth it, to be honest with you If I was still the type of person to focus on what if’s, I would probably go to every single job interview I was offered and that wouldn’t be beneficial for me. Because like I said I can’t be travelling 3 hours to and from work every weekday.

Anyway, I digress…I decided to go to this interview because…well, it’s the London Eye, and because the email said to bring along an item that best describes you, I thought that was interested.

 It was an assessment that was going to take place 1pm to 4pm, which I was iffy about, but I decided to go anyway. When I got there they had already started, I was minutes late (But late all the same) There was another girl, who was also late, as we were walking to the room the girl broke down. She said she had just been turned down for a job a few hours ago and she had had enough. Told us she goes to interview after interview and these company that turn her down always say you don’t have the right qualifications, and she just doesn’t know what they are looking for.  I felt for her because I think anyone who has had to job search for a period of time can relate. I wanted to say something to her, I ended up saying

‘You’ve got to keep going,’

Which I honestly think I just made worse. We weren’t able to take part in the assessment, our names were taking and the women said she would let the manager know we came. I can never be upset about being turned down for a job because my outlook has changed.  Instead of thinking what did I do wrong (today aside) I leave thinking

‘You’re loss,’