Morning page #183 I don't know

I haven't been to sleep, I've been watching GMM season 7. I think I am going to do this in 2 parts because I have a UC appointment at 9:30 am (currently 9:07 am. In fact, I'm going to make a cup of tea. I don't know if I should make it now (because it's 09:19) or after my appointment.  

Yea I think I'll just wait til after the appointment it's now 09: 27. 

09:59 am round two, a cup of tea in front of me, appointment over (called at 9:44 am). I'm proud of myself for not making up an answer. 

Tea check: still hot

The whole I don't know is not an ok answer to a question thing that people have. She asked me why basically and like I said my answer was I don't know. But I'm glad I didn't make something up. Because that's all I have to give right at this second.

It's like if I was having a conversation with someone and they asked 

'Why is it the moon looks like it's moving when it's not?' 

I can look it up (in fact I probably will) but for right now I do not know that is literary what I have in my head.

Oh my God realisation, what I have in my head. I would beat myself up about saying the wrong thing. But I didn't know like when I was chatting with a teacher and she asked if I had ever been outside London, and I said no. The fact is I didn't realise that Weymouth was outside London at the time. Number one because I was in primary school when that trip happened. Number two all I remember about it is SeaWorld. Forgetting that I'd also been to France (Twice) in secondary. I forgot that for a while and was forced on Weymouth. 

Anyway, my teacher when she heard me mention Weymouth to another was in my mind angry that I lied and that has stuck with me. Must be right or else, People ask and then I say I don't know then they change the words and ask again.  BTW when I say I don't know it means I don't know or this is all I have for you.

52 minutes, see you when I see you. I am busy manifesting my dream life (I'm trying to update this last bit) 

Stop comparing me.

 I've just now realised 16:54 what my problem is 

I have been compared to other people all my life. I know that the person saying this has never meant it the way I took it (which is my second problem btw...telling myself that I shouldn't feel what I'm feeling because of that reason). I think things like 'They did it so should/ could you,' were said I took it as I'm a failure because I can't.

I was in Nigeria eating really tough meat and someone in the room said 

'Your grandma can,'

In my mind, I was thinking not only can I not chew it I don't want to. But the thing is I still put that meat in my mouth and tried to chew for a good amount of time because here's this someone who by the way has been chewing this meat for years (probably before I was born)

It's like when I put a sandwich in the oven now I know to put it in the bottom rack for 5 minutes and then the top for the last 10. The first time I did it I didn't know there was a better way. my point is the person was comparing my grandma's part S to my part A, it's not fair. 

I think this is the thing that has been blocking me all these years from my authentic self.

Morning Page #181

 08:24 am is when I woke up today, I went to the toilet and then went straight to the kitchen. 

08:41 am a cup of Mango green tea in front of me. Mainly because it's the only one I have left (except for a few graze teas) Family Guy Season 11 on Mac. I had a dream that I can't remember now

Just now remembered. I haven't filled in my sleep and brain diary. 

Should I do that or should I wait till I finished this?

Ok, I'm back...Oh and it's now 08:54 am 

Tea check: still hot.

The last few days I have found the motivation to speed through some GMM episodes.  1 I forgot I was watching them from the beginning. And two lost my motivation to do it in the first place.

Anyway, I am now on season 6 episode 64. I've also been feeling creative these past few days, creative by drawing.

Tea check: still hot.

My favourite character on Family Guy is Stewie because he's never not funny. And I like the fact that the show reminds us he is a baby every once in a while. Just Like just now when they were spelling words and he was like 'Wha...what's going on?' or when he gets mad at people for talking when he is watching his shows. 

Man, I'm so tired.

Tea check: still hot

33 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #180 Through enjoyment eyes

 Woke up at...not 5 am. Went to the toilet. Then I made myself a Graze tea. 

Yesterday my mum asked me to make her green tea. She wanted one of my teas. I just now saw that I still had one peppermint and strawberry left. 

5:50 am watch later youtube list. I saw a box of Lemsip in the kitchen. The first time I tried it was in 2006 being on the show' Get a life,' yes that's what it was actually called. This got me reminiscing about that year, it was one of my favourite years. 

Usher celebrating 25 years of my way and now I think I might listen to some Usher songs after this. Usher has been a celebrity crush since 1997, 13 years old. Him and Will Smith since...I'm going to say 6 or 7 maybe I'll say 8. The fresh prince of bel-air started in 1990. I was 6 but I don't remember watching the 1st season. Plus I was too busy experiencing my first actual crush on an actual boy. I thought 1993 because it's the same year (btw another one of my favourite years) I enter a danced to PJ and Duncan's 'let's get ready to rhumble,' or 'Our radio rocks,' It's one of those moments I look back on and realise if it was the other way I wouldn't have this story. Because wouldn't say we were terrible but we did have one move. I for the life of me can't remember what it was.  The only reason I was in that position was that I didn't know how to say no. Now that it's been years I can look at it through my enjoyment eyes. I definitely wasn't thinking about it that way for the next months even a few years later. 

cutting this off now because I need to wee.

38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #179

 Woke at 7:03 am (I think) weed (as in pee). Then I went to the kitchen. It's 7:07 am and it's still dark outside. I wonder if that's a 17th of October thing only.

07: 27 am cup of tea in front of me and I just finished a banana. Youtube watch later on Mac. 

In the past, I would have said no Esther the fact that it's still dark at 7 am is not a one-day thing. But since I am obsessed with numbers nowadays. 17th day then it just happened to be 7:07 when I looked at the time in the kitchen 7:27 when I started writing, to me means something and I will be looking it up after this. 

I love it when a tarot reading is accurate. New stage but not quite there yet, yes thank you @soulfulrevolution.

Tea check: still hot

So many things to say which one to start. 

I have a scracth on my right leg that looks like it was bleeding. I say looks like it because I didn't notice it was there until a few days ago. I definitely didn't notice it was bleeding. I probably bumped it somewhere. At first, I thought it was an insect bite. Now I realise that doesn't make sense. I think I feel a bump. 

My stage now is to see what I will take with me into the future. Some things are a maybe. Like...

Tea check: Hot but I think it's drinking hot. I don't want it to get too warm.

...the way I raise my kids or adoption. I get a lot of future downloads whether it be from dreams or daydreams and those make me ecstatic and excited. 

My nails are bothering me again only the ones on my foot this time the right ones to be exact, the little toe on the right. I won't pause this to sort it I'll just sign off here.

It's 7:47 am

20 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #178

 Woke up at 8:09 am (I checked this time) After the toilet I went to the kitchen and made myself a green tea. I still have something that is sore in my right ear. I'm worried I have no idea what it is. Maybe it's because I use cotton buds. You're not supposed to do that. I think I'll wait till after my phone appointment @ 9:30 am today. 

9:57 am my work coach was 5 minutes later but she made up for it by getting me to talk about my writing. I hardly ever (as in never) talk about my writing with my work coaches. They've been discouraging in the past. When I've spoken about other stuff the job centre generally just wants you to get a job, any job doesn't matter which.

Family Guy season 11 on Mac.

I need to pause this to cut my nails again. Which others may choose to see as a coincidence. I choose to see it as a sign, Don't know what yet.

I've been forgetting dreams lately.  I know that technically we dream every night. I have just been aware that I forgot a dream, like remembering bits and pieces. I think my twin flame was in this one but I can't remember. Maybe I'm experiencing this lately because my twin flame is remembering his dreams about me. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. 

Ok at the end of this I feel happy and smiley. I feel full of love and I'm hungry. I'll make breakfast after this. I think I'll do it this way again.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #177 significant other (crush)

 10:40 ish wake up. Basing that on the time it was when I went to the kitchen from the toilet.

11:22 a cup of hot chocolate in front of me. It was cold but not freezing. I slept to a 12-hour video called twin flames reunion on YouTube. I never heard of the words twin flames before this year I'd always said soulmates. 

My gum on the right side is aching but it seems to be gone now.

Tea Hot chocolate check: still hot.

and my right ear inside was hurting too. That one hasn't gone away. My nails are bothering me so I must sort that out before I continue. I hate it when the skin peels under the nail then I have to cut it so I can peel the skin. 

Hot chocolate check: still hot.

I'm rolling my eyes because today's Good mythical morning episode has a guest star. I skip those episodes usually. And the ones with the new sporked team. I mean why do they need someone ther when they're tasting food...need someone to hold their hands or what.

My reason= it's awkward and cringy is that I feel it in my whole body. The second-hand cringe is like being punched in the face. I feel like it's me but literary me it's happening to. I am thinking about my person today (well what's new). I am going to take the attitude I had when listening to the many reasons others gave for Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander hating each other. I won't believe it until they say otherwise, from their mouth, with words. 

So significant other, future boyfriend, future husband and father of our 6 kids.  If you are reading this yes I love you just as much as you me. Let's start our lives together in words. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #176

 I woke...I'm saying 10:10 am. I didn't look at the time. Went to the toilet and then to the kitchen. When I woke the positive quote poster was on the floor. Of course, I put it back up and it's staying up but I took it as a sign to buy a new one.

10:36 am a cup of Mango green tea (I forgot about them) in front of me there are about 20, and most of the other teas are finished. Bob's burgers season 8 on Mac. I can't stop thinking about the fan episode. I think it's a wonderful thing and it was really great to watch. In fact, I might go watch it again after this. 

In my life now I look for signs. Well, I always have in the past. Nowadays it's been turned up a notch. Seeing 11:11 or 2:22  for me is a sign from the angels.

I was going to brush my teeth. I am going to do that now

10:48 am back but I'm still currently brushing my teeth.

It was hearts that made me focus on signs more. When I see one it means it is going to be a good day, or everything is ok. 

10:58 am back again nice and refreshed. This Bob's burger is talking about the tooth fairy. It's just one of those things that my family (I'll say as Christian) didn't believe in like Santa clause. He was just God in disguise.

Anyway, it got me thinking about a thing that was popular that I wasn't into you Egg and shoulder (well, that's wrong) soldiers. The egg was raw which is what made me stay away from it. I need my egg to be cooked through. Now it might be because I never had it growing up. I definitely haven't had it since then. I will at some point, so I can distinctly say that I don't like my eggs runny.

25 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #175

 I woke at 9:30 ish, freezing cold. Went to the kitchen with my dentures and changed the water. Put the kettle on and washed the plates in the sink. I went a little different with teas today. I took my charger for my Apple keyboard and went back to my room.

10:13 am a cup of hot chocolate (because I'm still cold) in front of me. I have a heal while you sleep and wake up happy Youtube video playing. Which I played during the night

My Pet peeves are ever-growing. I am glad I didn't have to deal with one today this morning like usual. I don't know if it's the same for everyone but pet peeves are always things that make my life more difficult/ more complicated than it needs to be (probably). What is different for me is I could list pet peeves and you would probably say well that's more than that clearly...for (see me trying not to write but again) me they're all on the same level.

Last night I read (possibly watched) something that said you get dreams of the future and now I'm thinking about all the dreams about the future I had. I'm gonna have to make a list at some point.  

Damn it, I'm so cold.

I don't like sleeping with the heater on for 2 reasons if it's too hot I can't sleep and it feels like a waste if it's on when everyone is asleep.  But my mood changes when I wake up cold...ah dilemma.

17 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

Morning page #174 marriage material

 I woke at 8:29 am, went to the toilet and then the kitchen. I am very cold tells me I'll need to layer up when I go for my appointment at 2:30 pm, also, it's raining 

Should I write a morning page now or after sleep again? 

8: 48 am a cup of Matcha Twinnings tea in front of me. Family Guy season 19 episode 15 customer of the week on Mac. A favourite episode of mine but then most of them are I was going to wash the plates because it's what I usually do to ease my mind and have something to tick off my to-do list and I will end up doing it later. 

Tea check: still hot.

After turning the heater on I grabbed myself a banana. Then I filled in my brain and sleep books. 

This morning I'm feeling frustrated (from past experiences that's when things change) My mental abusive relationship changed when I stood up for myself and said

 

'No, you don't treat people like that,'

out loud

Tea check: Still hot 

My frustration today is for doing things to please others. What will happen @ my appointment today.

Her: Esther you want to come over. 

After I sit down and after I take a few breaths 

Her: How's the work search going ( actually it's restart coach so she will probably say how are you? but I've started so I'll finish) 

Tea check: less hot, I'll hold it in my hand less hot enough to sip.  

I don't know if universal credit training tells them to find out how the job search is going or to actually say the words 

How's the job search going?

Take an educated guess mate. I'm sitting in front of you (feeling deja vu so I'm pretty sure I've written it before) I think if you were to put a good chunk of money on not well without asking that question you'd be very rich. 

Last night I wrote...I want to say letter 34 of the love letters I've written since 2015. I always had one person in mind when I started these. Love of my life, first love, first crush that turned into love. The only other I've ever considered marriage material.

32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #173

 I woke up at 9:48 am and went to the toilet. Then went to the kitchen and washed plates. I decided to make a milkshake. I still have cookies left over from my millies cookies order. And my sister and mum are going to church.  I've decided going forward I need to step away from having to explain what and why I'm doing to people. 

10:51 am glass of milkshake, chocolate in front of me. the positive, hopeful message that begins DM to DF. There's a mosketo (ooh how do you spell that word) mosquito loose in the house I keep getting bitten in my sleep.

I remembered my dream today. It was about lessons learnt and protection.

Two girls came to my door. One girl was like 

'Oh my God is that...(something fashion) she was talking about the blouse I drew. I just drew any old thing but I saw a picture and it was identical.

This tells me what I create, whatever I create people will love or more accurately the people who love it will come.

Then my brother came and slept by my door because he didn't trust those girls. 

mmm, that shake is delicious.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #172

Woke up at 9:23 am, Bathed and changed the water in my hot water bottle. Also, grabbed a cup of tea.

09: 58 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me, Tarot reading card on Mac (damn I need to change my pen)

I brought some chocolate the other day it arrived this morning without breakfast. It's one of those battles with myself or is it habits I think more accurately something learnt that I'm trying to unlearn. Which is to go by what is expected...Uh, I don't know how to say it really. Traditionally it is not advised (by the world) to eat chocolate for breakfast, but like I said trying to unlearn that. Thinking and focusing on what I want only. 

Last night I saw that Grey's anatomy's previous season or is it the current season (not sure if the latest season has started yet) Season 18 has been added to disney+. All I need now is for Law and order: SVU to be added. I haven't watched a new episode in  ...I'm going to say a year. In fact, that's what I am manifesting. The reason it hasn't yet probably has something to do with the channel it air's in America. If not disney+ then definitely Netflix.

26 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #171

 11:06 after sleeping a second time and remembering a dream from the first sleep. Went to the toilet and then went to the kitchen to make some tea. Mum was in there making food, I'll enjoy that later. Filled in my brain and sleep book.

11:33 am a cup of Twinnings Lemon and Ginger in front of me. It was Family Guy on Mac now it's Mickey mouse because my niece is with me. 

I am right now planning for the future (I mean right now as in 2022) not only for what type of job but also for the things (or more accurately people person) I don't want anywhere near me in the future. Can only build my support system based on energy. nowadays. Every time I see this person I feel angry and the sentence 'go away,' is always in my head.  When they come to the door. I don't have a choice but to see her today (again 20022) because I share a house and my mum doesn't know how to say no. I definitely get it from her. She is just someone who likes to help people. Something else I get from her.

My niece loves putting things in her mouth. She'll grow out of that I'm sure. I would like an investigation about why she babies do that.

Remembering the Stewie Griffin quote

'I feel safe around something if I can put it in my mouth (or something close to that) he was talking about a Queen's news of the world album. 

Maybe it has already been done. You know I'll be Googling that after this (If I remember...in fact)  

Ah, the key to the developmental stage, more you know. So her putting things in her mouth is a good thing I was beginning to think it was a problem. She is actually trying to discover the taste and texture of different objects

33 minutes, see you when  I see you.

Morning Page #170

 Woke at 9:49 am and I did a number 1 (trying to find ways to say I went to pee without saying those words) Only because I want to be creative not for anything else. 

9: 56 am remembered to fill in my brain and sleep book so I'm pausing this to do that. 

10: 02 am I think I should see if my sleeping pattern has changed in almost a year. A cup of green tea in front of me, Family Guy season 16 on Mac. Yesterday I binged She-Hulk which is still currently airing, it's hilarious and a bucket of things I love about shows 'team effort,' and Maggie is great but I'm not sure about it was funny though a bit slow. It probably will get a season 2 I'm just not sure I want it to. 

That's why you shouldn't make what you think to be set in stone (when it comes to tea and food anyway) to not put sugar or any other sweetener in all teas I thought I would also take all green teas out of my rotation but 4 years later.

Tea check: Still hot

Family Guy Season 16 Episode 20 You there God it's me Peter now playing. I don't get offended by an interpretation of God/Jesus. If it's funny I don't care. I enjoy the creativity more than I see it as a personal attack.

Tea check: ahhh

Fuddruckers mentioned in this episode made me wonder if that restaurant existed and that's how I ended up on Google finding out the answer (Yes btw) 

24 (but technically 32) minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #169

 I woke up at 9:47 am. Last month was a good month in terms of morning pages I think I wrote more most days. Estimated more than the first...say 6 months (I'm not going to check that though)

I thought to myself I want to start this month with a morning page and try to write every day this month. After doing my not-morning routine of doing a number 1. I went back to sleep. As well as when I'm done I stop writing. I also don't force myself to think of a subject to write about. I woke again at 10:58 am. Washed the plates in the sink. Whilst in the kitchen I was listening to a tarot titled starseeds, where are you from? 

See the truth, but ignore it because you are emotionally involved. Yea, I remember having a conversation about a certain someone's behaviour and it was excuse after excuse. I, though I never said it out loud was thinking to myself.

I do not accept that, it was saying just is, pure evil. I was thinking no there has got to be a reason but I had to accept the truth eventually

11:28 am cup of Moringa tea in front of me, tarot on Mac.

I talked in a previous morning page about UC working for me. I just now realised it's deeper than that the universe is also working for me. In terms of not working against me. 

I use to see my life as can't be wrong, If I wanted something like

Waking up before 12 for a morning page I would hope and wish then beat myself up and be disappointed that I woke after 12 now I realise that the universe didn't even need to hear me say that out loud before they got to work.

'Ok noted we got you,'

Let me take this opportunity to say thank you for never letting me down and always having my back

Tea check: still hot

9 minutes technically 13 minutes, see you when I see you

God's timing #5 My own pace

 I was upset and I didn't keep it in this time.

Because I know that if I didn't it would happen again.

I am so glad I did but this is not me saying I want to try therapy for a few reasons.

Number 1 is the money, the money is a huge factor. I can't afford it. And I don't just mean actually afford it. I know that sitting in that doctor's office the potentially 300+ a session will be flashing and I'd feel like I need to push myself out of my comfort zone before I am ready. I've learnt that going at my own pace is essential to healing.