Morning page #168

 Woke up at 8:47 am today and made a Masala tea. I wasn't going to write a morning page but, let life happen.

11:48 Family Guy season 15 on the Mac

Brutally honestly I am strict about the people I spend my time with. Aura and energy is big factor nowadays. Been dismissed a lot a treated like shit by people who think I'm not. I will not allow your bad energy to destroy my positive one. People who come to the house only when they want something have no place anywhere near me.

I have an appointment today @ 2:30 after rescheduling it from 27th because I had no money to get there (I think I mentioned that before). 

My way to deal with anxiety is to focus on the things I can control. Every appointment I know these things. 

1. I can't be late
2. The appointment will take 15 minutes max
3. When I get there I will be asked my name or what time my appointment is sometimes both (actually always both nowadays...no it was who is your appointment with)

I also say over and over to myself in and out, in and out,' I don't spend too much time on the things that are temporary. After 15 minutes I'll be done and on my way home . 2 hours max back lying down on my bed.

19 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #167

 Woke at ... I think 8:55 am 

God said 'No, it was 8:50 am,'

Me: That doesn't sound right 

 

Still, I wrote 8:50 in my brain book actually it was my sleep book. No, it was definitely closer to 8:55 so I cross it out.

God said 'Yes, I don't want you to follow another blindly, your life is what you make of it,'

9: 47 am a cup of Twinnings focus tea in front of me. Audiobook on Youtube on the Mac. Currently Agatha Christie's Murder on the Orient Express. My go-to audiobook it never disappoints.

Been remembering bits of my dream (That reminds me I need to write that in my sleep brain book). I usually write S {sleep} D {dream} but can't remember if that is the case. A class of kids

I just found out Coolio died, wow and he was 59. Now the song Gangsters paradise is in my head. 

I'm also playing Game of words while writing this.

My phone did charge last night but not fast enough for my liking.

To my own rules, I should stop writing because I'm trying to think of what to write. 

Tea check...still hot

Just moved on to level 980 on game of words

Ok, that's it 

18 minutes later, see you when I see you

Morning page #166

 I woke at ...I'm not sure ...9:40 something maybe 9:50 something. I went to the toilet (number 1). Still maintain that it's not a morning routine. It's not a choice. Was going to say/ write I don't do it every morning but it's the same for the actual morning routine. 

God save the Queen is in my head.

Will they change the Queen in that song to King now?

No the song is the song.

Maybe they will change the song. I'm not sure about that one. Now I'm thinking about all the things that will change starting with the money. 

10:07 am a cup of detox tea (Twinnings) in front of me. Family Guy season 13 on the Mac. 

I'm trying to get out of the habit of thinking of what I say/ what I do as wrong full stop. Yesterday there was food, chips and some vegetables in a pot. Because everyone was asleep I couldn't ask the question is that for me? There was only enough for one person (the chips anyway)

My choices 

To leave it 

Just because there was BBQ sauce on the table. Maybe it was my sister that ate that.

Why would my mum wait, My mum still may not have had her share. If that is the case I can always just make more. I don't know so if I'm wrong it's not like I did it on purpose.

To take it

For the reasons above. I'm hungry and I don't think my mum will be as mad as my brain is trying to tell me. 

I did take it with some rice which was a little lot spicy. The thing with spice is I can't take it up scotch bonnets chillies and like not even there drop of hot sauce. Because I grew up in an African home I'm used to that level. Anything hotter I would struggle. I hate it when the spice makes me cough. That's the point to enjoy the food.  

Today I found out my decision was right after a bit of what I thought was 

You took the chips I was going to eat,

Mum was looking for it to give to me. Like I said thinking that I am wrong first. Also, there was something in the oven. I will not go down the road of beating myself up about that and it's something to eat this morning.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #165 Realistic about my skills.

 I woke at 8:17 am for a job centre/ UC appointment at 9 am. I went to sleep after 6 am so yea, thank you, God.

At 8:31 I tried to order a Bolt

insufficient funds,

Uh-oh, what I do now?

I'll just order a bolt on my mum's phone.

00.21p

Oops, I am going to be late. At 8:55 I had to admit defeat and reschedule the appointment.

This morning page is titled

Realistic about my skills.

If this was 3 years ago I would have worried for 2 hours that I was going to get sanctioned.

10:04 am a cup of (I need to stop calling it fart) Moringa tea in front of me. Family Guy season 11 on Mac. I think disney+ is one of those things I was unsure about but I'm glad I didn't listen to the negative (I mean do I really need another streaming service) Like whenever I start a drawing and think this is not going the way I planned or it looks nothing like the picture. 

That's how I learnt about drawing with your right brain and drawing with your left brain (but that's for another morning page) Or my future husband's true feelings about me. I literary never stopped thinking about those. 

Oh my God, I went off the subject. That's part of the reason I don't like listening to podcasts. Because it never fails to...(damn, what's the word)...off the subject.

Anyway I digress

No.1 I can not push myself beyond what I can do. It was 8: 55 am that's 5 minutes to get to my appointment even if I walked it I would get there an hour later max, I would definitely be late. The only person that could make it would be Superman.

No.2 I am not working for Universal Credit. In a way, Universal Credit is working for me. It's there to help me to make my life a little better. And that's where the reality of my skills comes in.

Telling myself to do better when I am already giving 100% is a level of perfectionism no one on earth can achieve.

17 minutes, see you when I see you.

God's timing #4

Start Tick comic book.

I don't want you to google comic books just do it how you would do it. Even if you just draw the title.

God's timing #3

 Type mansion walkthrough's on YouTube then add the first 3 to your watch later list. The one of those three that you like best I will give to you.

Morning page #164

 10: 59 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I decided to make breakfast. Youtube watch later list on Mac. I was watching some mansion walkthrough I'm watching tarot card reading. 

Still on the theme of being ok not knowing the reason. I think I know now why things didn't happen sooner for me. It's because I needed to figure out what I wanted but most importantly what I needed. I feel like now it's been drilled into me the things I will not be taking with me in the next chapter of my life. 

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I woke up cold. I hate the cold it changes my mood.

I hate the cold, warmed up now though. I had to pause this to pee. Then I decided to do some cleaning in the kitchen. Now back and I had an itch on my left hand between the thumb and finger, just between the L shape (it's gone now) but it turned red, it's a little bit still itching. 

Currently, Elton John's Rocketman is stuck in my head.

Oh...uh...I am going to say 45 minutes if you take away the time spent in the kitchen (I didn't actually pause it)

see you when I see you.

God's timing #2

 Make art using stickers

Morning page #163

 7:01 a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I haven't been to bed yet, I will after this though. Because I'm tired not because of that fact. I was thinking the other day about what...um...how do I explain my thought process...um...what am I trying to say.

Basically, I am an everything happens for a reason person and because I'm only one person I can't know everything 

(oh I wrote about this in the last one but I'll continue anyway) Sometimes just knowing the fact that there is a reason is enough but sometimes it's not and it is very frustrating and doesn't make sense.  Like, take your left and your right. The way I knew which is which is to look at the shape of my thumb and index finger ( or is it forefinger) before that I would struggle. If someone was to use that to figure out which is which and still make the conclusion that the left side ( I could have said got it wrong but hey ho) was the right side and the right side was the left. Most people would be like 

'Oh, they don't realise they're wrong.'

I would be like well that's wrong clearly that's wrong. Does the person know that or not? I don't know which is which and that's ok. Other times I would be so confused and think to myself and do the look at my fingers over and over. Like someone is making a joke on my behalf and I've missed something and now I am frustrated.

Now watching cats countdown

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

God's timeline #1

 Write down your life as you want it a year from now. Not how you think it would be. Write it how you dream it as if it is happening today. 

23rd September 2023 {1 year}

5 am I wake, reach over to my dressing table and pull out my dream diary. I write down the 3 dreams I had during the night. I wake again 3 hours later and go to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. I sit at the living room table with my journals including sometimes a Morning page notebook. And end by drawing in my sketch-a-day and my doddle-a-day

. In the middle of my writing, my boyfriend wakes kisses me on the cheek and asks if I want breakfast. Yes, I say I was just about to make something. He turns to the cooker briefly then turns back to me.

'Actually, do you want to go out for breakfast, it's such a lovely day,'

'Sure,'

Jobcentre what, Universal credit who?. I haven't been to a job centre in months. This means the only person I answer to is myself. I don't have to worry that I'm not doing enough job searching or that they will put me on a course that I don't need. I have learnt to love and accept myself fully. I care less about what other people think of me. I have an autism diagnosis.

I spend my spear time writing and baking

23rd September 2042 20 years

I'm currently in my place. 7 bedrooms, a cinema, a pool, 2 ensuites, a kitchen with walk-in store room, living room, a garden and a library with a fully stocked bookshelf. I wake whatever time I want in my big bed with my husband of 10 years. He's a writer just like me and never fails to make me laugh. We write together and separately. The latest sold 1 million copies altogether. two minutes later my eldest daughter burst into the door followed by her twin. Hannah and Hope turned 9 2 months ago. They may be twins but they are so different. Hope reminds me of myself. My next daughter Heaven turned 7 in January. Henri was a surprise we weren't even trying 5 years ago. I thought Hayden would be the last until Hezekiah came along just 10 months ago. My life is jam-packed. If I'm not here I'm travelling the world doing book signings and giving speeches. I set up this project I call FUN where kids can come to just be themselves. A different room for different things dances, draw sit and watch etc..etc. Weekly dinners and afternoon teas

 

Morning Page #162

 I haven't been to bed for no particular reason. I was hungry and made a plate of pasta. 

I need to do things for myself and more because I want to and not don't do it not because I think I shouldn't. I will do what I want more times than I won't.

11:29 am a cup of Peppermint tea in front of me. Found out 9-1-1 seasons 4 and 5 are now on disney+. It drives home the patience that was drilled into me, the lesson has been learnt. From now on I am going to wait and choose patience. 

I decided to film a morning routine for my new YouTube channel. The latest chapter of God's timeline is a motivational jar with 365 quotes for next year. 

I right now working on manifesting my dream life. Speaking of my dreams are back. 3 dreams yesterday including one about...my crush. 

Whenever I think about manifesting I also think about that FRIENDS episode when Ross and Racheal broke up and Joey was like 

'Put Olives on the pizza, put olives on the pizza,'

The fact is there is a lot I don't know. I don't know why people act the way they do, what happened before I saw them, what was their reason.

I've talked about my HSP before. And I'm an everything happens for a reason girl. Sometimes it's easy to just let it go. If I met someone angry or rude I know it's probably not about me. Like... the reason I'm still single (missed opportunities). Sometimes knowing the reason would be petty helpful and make my life easier. Like why I'm still single (missed opportunities)

1hr 27 minutes, see you when I see you.

Moring page #161

 Woke at 10: 31, wee in the toilet. After I went to the kitchen for my cup of tea. 

11:04 am cup of mango and pineapple.

11: 56 am I kept falling asleep and now my tea is cold.

12:29 am mum just brought a plate of rice to my room, thank you very much. I was wondering what would I eat for breakfast. The fridge is practically empty and I didn't feel like cooking eggs. Still watching cats countdown. No, I am not watching the Queen's funeral. I was surprised, not shocked (I mean the woman was 96 years old) and now I'm over it. It's always sad when someone dies but the Queen's death doesn't affect me (not emotional anyway, yet to see how it affects me the other way). Unlike well-known deaths like Whitney Houston, and even Robin Williams I'm still not over that one.

I'm so tired

Should I write more I really want to but I'm so tired?

I'm thinking about my future love life and everything that comes with it.  Following God's timeline more and enjoying life. instead of worrying about it. 

My to-do list

Journal: that includes my diary.

I think I will write in all of them today, start with gratitude, the Prayer book for women, 

Draw: Sketch and Doodle, I've been using a pen to draw these last few days.

Actually I just now decided I'm going to write another love letter. I think this is the 32 or was it 33.

26 (but technically 1 hr 51) minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #160

 Woke at...I'm not sure, actually, it was 8: 27 when I came back from the bathroom (number 1) and put some tea in a cup to brew. I also had an orange. 

8: 56 am, I felt like having black tea. It's always my gift to myself when I go anywhere, the teas. It's Earl Grey. I haven't had that in years. 

Zack Morris is trash according to the Youtube video I'm watching right now. If you know where that character is from you and I are instantly friends. 

What a great two days, pretty sure I wrote about the women's conference yesterday. Today's teaching was about time management. What I took from it is a better way to manage my time. 24 hours (well 24 minus 8 hours give or take) in the day yet I still feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything I want to do done. I have been very aware of things that waste my time for a few years. It started with the pointless courses (or more accurately {because no course is pointless I don't believe} course I'm put on when I haven't been on one for a few months)

My measurement of things that are wasting my time is whether it will be useful to me in 5 years. Will I need/be thinking about it in 5 years? 

Here's what is happening in my life today.

A word that springs to mind is acceptance. Acceptance about who I am 100%. I am right now in a stage of a changed mindset which has helped me to let go of stress and relax about the worries that have been in my life in the past. I have given myself over to God almost completely by letting things happen. The latest is to post a tarot card reading. Which I will do today. In the past, I would be worrying about the lighting or the fact the sound probably won't be great. 

The reason I say almost completely is I am still worried about not being able to do what God wants me to do straight away. Like when God told me to write a prayer request but it meant me getting up and asking someone, I couldn't. I feel guilty but I shouldn't because God knows exactly how I will react. He makes things happen, he made the church pray for all the single women. That's letting life happen.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #159 God's timing

 I woke at 4:47 am in Lether head, and went to the toilet. 

5: 18 am a cup of Peppermint tea in front of me. I just remembered there's always a kettle in the room. Currently watching Youtube watch later list, Tony Baker on laugh factor to be exact.

My mum and I travelled to letterhead for this year's women of wisdom international conference. The last time I came was in 2019.

My newest thing/ affirmation is to trust God's timeline. I think I wrote this not in the last one the one before. 

Should I check?...no I've started so I'll finish.

I had two appointments at the beginning of the week and my period started after the first one. 2nd one got cancelled, grateful for that. Then my mum invited me to the women of wisdom conference on Wednesday, taking place on Friday and Saturday. This would make it the 5th and 6th day of my period. If I was in charge I would have put my period after those two appointments, which would make it the 3rd and 4th days of my period. I know I 100% wouldn't have wanted to go and therefore said no if that was the case. I would have missed this wonderful teaching about your impact on the world no matter another person's opinions or thoughts.  I think it ties into God's timing, what is meant for me will be for me lesson. 

These morning pages are about honesty so I will say God told me you will meet the man you are going to marry this year the year was 2006. I had just been through depression a month before. Since then that has been my number one goal and the six kids. Things have come to make me disbelieve this, like my overthinking and overanalysing because of the evidence presented I see. 

ah this is brave to write in a blog post (no one is reading these anyway)

I know he feels the same way and I am waiting for him to contact me.  I can't contact him, because of reasons.

It's 5:55 oops I think it's time to stop. 

37 minutes (I thought it was longer) see you when I see you.

Morning Page #158 God's timeline

 11:02 am mum woke me to say she was going out, At least I can write this morning page. Washed the plates in the sink, and wrote down my dream (which btw has been a lot since I'm on my period) filled in my sleep diary and what I did notebook.

11:36 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. Now watching Youtube watch later list. Currently, Auggie Smith standup, I love standup.

You know what's frustrating is when people say things that have more than one option and expect you to know which one they mean. Like if I said 

'I read 3 books this month,' or

'I'll read 5 more books next month,'

You'd know which is which because of the other words in the  sentences and the tone of the word read but if I took those two factors out you'd probably have to guess which one is which or if you were like me say

'Why are you saying the same word twice, I don't understand,'

Auggie's funny I like him and what an unusual name. 

I am only working from God's timeline from now on, from today. See what happened is, I had two appointments this week and my period started on Monday but only after the appointment was over. Then the second appointment on the second day (which would be the second day of my appointment in case you're not following {I think I meant to write period, but I'm gonna leave it}) My appointment got (is it cancelled or rescheduled...technically both) I love that for me.  I was wondering why my period started at the beginning of the week and not after the two appointments. Because it's never a 28-day cycle, my period is unpredictable. Yesterday my mum invited me to a retreat and I was like

'Oh, that's why,'

God knew that I 100% wouldn't want to go if it happened on my timeline. Which would make those retreat days the 3rd and 4th day of my period. Also maybe I wouldn't have wanted to come still if I wasn't open to something about to happen, all this is for a reason, wonderful.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: No one else in the house and just as I was about to go back to sleep my niece woke up. Seconds later my sister came. So yea God's timeline.

 

Morning page #157

 10: 35 am no tea because I don't want to get up, Cats countdown on the mac. That show went from 8 out of 10 cats does countdown to cats does countdown, now I just write cats countdown. 

I think I've reached a turning point in my manifesting. I had an appointment today at 3: 30. I really didn't want to go because of reasons (time of the month) you'll notice I said had. It was rescheduled for another day, let life happen mate. 

Before this, I was thinking about stand-up comedians. I thought that the 2 things that make a good comedian are 

stage presence and good jokes. The thing I realised recently is you can have all that but if you sound like mickey mouse I will not be coming back. 

I realised also that my dreams whether big or small are always in the impossible stage before they become possible. If you wake up at 2 am and think to yourself 'I want some ice cream,' You could in the next moment say to yourself 'shops won't be open at this time,' Or you can look online and find someone to deliver to you. You could be sitting in your kitchen an hour later with your dream ice cream. The only thing that made your dream a reality was your belief in it. That's half the battle.  

27 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #156

 I woke at 11:03 am.

Should I even bother writing a morning page today? I have an appointment at 2 today. start the day off right.

Should I write without tea? because it's 11:11 now.

11:34 am a cup of Twinnings Matcha tea in front of me. I slept to Family Guy season 10. Good Mythical Morning is back so I'll look forward to that when I get back or maybe I'll watch it now...yes, I'll watch it now.

I have two appointments this week. I hate when that happens, need to have less of that going forward. I mean I only have a few of these appointments anyway ( is my manifesting thinking behind it) My first one is today is with the restart scheme, and tomorrow is jobcentre. 

Tea check...still hot. I chose Boots Twinnings last night. Then I saw a Youtube video about Matcha recipes. And thought I should have chosen Matcha tea and that's why I chose it today. It got me thinking about what Matcha taste like even though I've had that tea before I can't remember. 

18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #155

 Woke up a few minutes (I think I meant seconds) before 9:25. Went to the toilet. Is one of those definitely going to write a morning page today. I just need to decide which tea to drink. Also what to write about because it's also a ideas jumping in my head day.

{1} Alone is not the same as lonely.

{2} My best advice for insomniacs (that's a word, right)

{3} A project that is in the impossible stage, but I'm keeping it to myself so that is scratched.

I went to the kitchen, Thought I might as well cut up fruit (not pear)

'What is there?' 

that's what my mum asked me after a few seconds

"Nothing,"

It reminded me of when someone would ask

"Are you OK?" 

and my immediate thought would be 

Oh, I should smile more.

In other words

What's wrong?

The 'are you ok?' was for you not for me. The only reason to ask that question is someone was just rude to me or I banged my foot. That's why I love it when people ignore the elephant in the room. You know I'm the quietest person in the room. I know I'm the quietest person in the room. Let's just not say that.

Anyway, 10: 38 am a cup of peppermint tea ( with black pepper flakes) I know it seems like that's all I drink but I do have others. 

I have loads of advice for getting to sleep. This is not the best one maybe I'll keep it for another time. So I can make a Youtube video. Which I haven't done in 2 years, I think. I believe it's been more. I'll give you 3

[1] Take the pillows off your bed. (all of them every single one) this should be taken with caution because I'm not sure if that's a good idea for a person with back problems or neck problems.

[2] Meditation...that's it meditation. It has literary changed my life.

[3] Listen to deep sleep playlists (on youtube for me) I was listening to a lucid dream one last night didn't lucid dream, though I did sleep for 6 hours, I'll take my wins.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #154 The overthinker

 09:29 am woke a few minutes earlier to go to the toilet. 

I will be writing a morning page today. 

I am going to choose twinnings tea.

I decided to cut some fruit (not pear because the texture hasn't been great for the last ones I've had). The apple is pretty sweet, I peeled an orange as well. 

10:02 am cup of Twinnings focus tea in front of me. I was trying to watch 8 out of 10 cats does countdown but it kept buffering so I slept to that, fine now though. I go through a process of blaming myself. Start to say what can I do to fix things. Eventually, my mind goes to nothing to do with me. It didn't say 'no internet' so there's that. Nowadays the time in between those two has lessened. I am two people before and after the overthinking...no before the overthinking and the overthinker. I've realised I need to separate these two to find the truth. Take what if's (btw, I'm thinking of one what if in particular) 2 points for guessing what (I'm still single so that's a clue)

My overthinking self is saying "I should have," which leads to me forgetting about the reason I didn't. Because it would still be true if I went back knowing what I know now or not. The overthinking me was allowed to grow because I cared too much about what people thought of me (dangerously so) and I didn't have the tools to say words this let my mind wander. I would always think the worst before I thought the best. I realise now that it comes from nothing because I surround myself with positive people (as a rule) so not coming from anything but in my head. That practice helps in my life now.

38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #153

 It's late out, I'm feeling so down having...trouble sleeping,'

Woke to this song in my head. Went to the toilet (not a morning routine). Went to the kitchen.

What tea should I make?

Let's go with green tea. I've sort of been neglecting that one. Someone brought my mum it a couple of weeks ago. Zero sense no one drinks green tea in this house. 

9:47 am I slept to 8 out of 10 cats on the mac. 

God is really pulling pushing this everything happens for a reason let life happen.

I had an interview with Mcdonads (man, how do you spell that word). Anyway, the interview was made in error (Oh, I didn't say it was in the job centre) Turns out it was meant to be on the 6th because that's when the Mcdonald's people would be there. Funny enough it was originally booked for the 6th. I waited 30 minutes while they figured out what happened. Then as another woman was coming in she asked if I wanted to work remotely at home. You're damn right I do. I filled in some forms and now I am going to do a course /training with a guaranteed interview at the end. Trying to think about this wonderful thing that wouldn't have happened if I argued with my work coaches 'maintory (mandatory) interview' (man I'm struggling with spelling today) and not on the word interview instead of job. It's ok it's meant to happen the way it will happen. You know I would like to know what happened. And who and why changed my interview to the wrong day This sort of stuff I can let go. Where knowing there is a reason is enough. I am one person and I can't know everything, still, I'm interested to know all those little things. 

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #152 Survival

 Woke at 11:...something a few seconds/ minutes after 11, I woke to my alarm going off. 

I'm not sure if I want to do a morning page today, I'm still a little tired.

Went to the kitchen to get some tea and I ended up just washing my cup because I saw something in the oven ( that I saw it was on not that I checked). 

Is it sandwiches?

Should I still drink tea?

Should I tell my mum not to use the blue one but the old one? actually, it's oats milk.

Still tired, should I lie on my back or my front?

Should I lie from the leg side to the head side or the other way around?

11:31 am listening to audiobooks on Youtube. I tried writing on my back but the pen doesn't work that way. Listening to audiobooks makes it easier to take books in. When I am reading an actual book I...

(1) need to reread what I've read more than once and

(2) read slowly, like one book a year {if that} slowly.

This morning page is called 

Getting to know me 2 aka my little qukes (I don't think that's the right spelling) quirks.

I usually find it pretty helpful to say the information. what I am doing in my head. Like just now when my sister was looking for her slippers, her black slippers. It made me realise the...

My sister just brought an egg and sausage sandwich to my room...nice.

...the things I do to survive.

hmm, maybe this morning page should be titled survival.

The fact that I've always had a TV in my room. It was never a debate between my parents. It was just in there. I never had to write up a presentation about why I should have it.  Come to think of it because the first time it was left in there after my sister moved out. Maybe she did have to convince my parents to let her have it in her room. There wasn't a presentation, I would have remembered that. The biggest thing put in place for my survival is my difficulty talking to people. I know you might be saying to yourself sounds like if it was the opposite it would come in handy, but if you knew my life you wouldn't say that. You see talking to makes things worse. In that, they increase my worry. Because people champion the world champions the people who are better at talking. The biggest myth in this world is that the only way to communicate is with your words.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #151 Getting to know me.

 I woke at 8:43 am but I'm not sure what time I slept. It was definitely after 12 midnight. 

I need to wee (so I did that) I don't consider going to the toilet a morning routine even though I do it most mornings. It's a need...I guess so is the other stuff. Really ther are all {opps} all are. But to wee leans more into the need camp. 

9: 22 am a cup of fart tea (Moringa) tea in front of me. 

How many more days till it becomes an obsession? definitely obsessed with tea.

How many days has that been? def...(ah I don't want to write definitely again)

Estimated 1000+ or maybe it's close to 1000, probably.

Today's morning page is called 

Getting to know me.

I think one thing a lot of people don't know about me is (unless you've read all these morning pages) that I am highly sensitive. I was going to write in all ways but I'm not sure that's physically (ha) true. Words and tone affect me deeply. I tried to ignore this fact when I was younger because from my point of view no one else suffered. 

Here's a good example of what I go through on a daily bases. 

Last night I washed my mum's towel. She had left it somewhere she doesn't usually let's just say close to the washing basket. So I put it in the washing machine. Turns out she forgot where she put it. I know this because she asked me

'Have you seen my towel?'

I said yes, just yes. I was too afraid she would say

'It doesn't need to be washed, washed it a few days ago, I have to go out now my towel is wet,'

What she was trying to say 

'Thank you, but there was no need.

What I hear 

'How dare you, now you made my life harder,'

So I just worried about getting the towel dried before she found out. So that's what happened and she'll find out when she sees it on the rack.

I slept to x-rated tarot reading on Youtube. Trying to remember my dreams. It's not working at least it didn't today. 

25 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #150 healed part 2

 11: 24 am, I woke at 8 am but kept going back to sleep. Trying to decide if I am in the mood for a morning page today. 

My stomach was doing that pully thing (I know there's a word for it but I can't remember) Went to the kitchen, and I saw the time was 11:11, signs and Angel numbers and all that. Washed the plates, I am spoilt for choice for tea now, got loads of them. That will keep me going for at least a month.

I went with a peppermint (of course) and strawberry one. It has black pepper as well {chef's kiss}

This morning page is titled

How I healed part 2

Letting go of the things I can't control. Before I put this into practice I would blame myself so much it became a habit. Take job-searching for instance. I could go to an interview do everything right and still not get the job. It's out of my control whether I get the job or not. Because someone could be more qualified came in the next day. Of course, letting go of the things I can't control lead me to my new motto 'let life happen,'

Damn these insect bites.

Slept to youtube watch later list now I am watching 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. My right hip is aching when I move it a certain way. It's not hurting enough for it to be broken. So not on the level where I should be worried. It just feels like I slept on it wrong. It will go away in a week max in my experience maybe I should change the way I sleep. 

32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #149

 I Woke up at 06: 29 am and went to the toilet. I needed to wee. I decided to make a cup of tea and then write a morning page. I am getting flashbacks of my dream last night, Usually, when that happens I remember a good chunk of it later on.

07:58 am a cup of fart tea (Moringa) in front of me. I slept to tarot card readings on Youtube.

Sort of remember seeing my older brother and younger sister in my dream. I was thinking of one but I changed it to my at the last minute because I have more than one of both. But I don't think it matters.

I am obsessed with playing the...game?...game of words. It's a find the world game (yea let's go with that). it's a way to exercise my brain I love downloading apps that fall into the category of brain training/brain teasers. My rule is when I am stuck on a level I delete it and move on. The reason...

Now I remember seeing my youngest niece.

Was it the same dream? 

I'm leaning towards no. Though not all different, Maybe there were three dreams. 

When I am stuck on a level I get frustrated I can't complete it. And then it leans into stress. I'm actually playing it while writing this.

My tea is probably cold did I say what type of tea it was? 

Oh I was going to say what I was watching...no I did that (facepalm) 

btw I love my Mythical mug.

The funny thing is I don't remember watching any videos before 2019, but it says I've been subscribed since 2014. 

Did Youtube just not show me videos for that long or did I never click on them?   

definitely possible if you know Youtube. I don't think the date I subscribed could be wrong. I became aware of them in that year I'm sure of it. Maybe I unconsciously....consciously what is the right word. The only explanation is I did it in my sleep. Or probably just don't remember.

I've spent the last few days typing up the 31 love letters I've written so far and putting them on a USB. Love letters/ future hubby letters. Now I am thinking about how I would present them to him on our 1st anniversary I landed on a folder which I will decorate.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #148 Why him? (crush)

 07: 04 am cup of dark chai (Though it's finished now) in front of me. That milk tasted off.

Random person: How do you feel about alternative milk?

Me: I'm not a fan.

It's the reason I don't eat cereal anymore.

Random person: You know you could ask someone to buy some original fresh milk (or buy it yourself)

Ah, ignorant bliss...besides it's that let life happen thing I was talking about.

1st of all I didn't need to eat cereal and 

2ndly you know when something is taken away from you and you're like

'huh, this is better,'

I woke...don't remember the time now let's just say between 6 am and 6:30. Went to the kitchen and saw some fruit. I decided to cut some up, but that's finished too. 

Currently listening to my liked playlist on Spotify now playing free by Estelle

This morning page is titled 

Why him?

The reason I was crushing on him who probably knows who he is...I mean how many hints do you need? Although if this is a 100%a surprise to him I get that too. I crush on people who are like me in some way. Listen if I see myself in you 1% I cling onto that. My latest crush was on Rhett McLaughlin, introvert and curious. He has taught me a lot in the years I've watched him on Youtube. Rhett and Link have. I think the difference between those two is Link does research like a chore. Rhett does it like 

'Hey, did you know...'

but only they can tell me if I'm wrong.

Anyways I had never met anyone who was like me 60+%. He was so like me I nicknamed him the male version of myself. Nicknames are things that no one knows and doesn't get said out aloud right...yea I thought so.

27 minutes, see you when I see you.