Morning page #243 Road to my authentic self: update

I didn't sleep because I was worried about the electricity and gas going off. I have decided I'm writing a morning page. Suddenly topics jumped into my head. 

So I went to the kitchen to wash my cup (the new glow-in-the-dark one from Mythical) That's when the light went off. I spent 30 minutes trying to get it back on, because of reasons. 

Anyway, am so proud of the way I handled it. With more calm and less panic which brings us to today's topic

Esther, you need to feel your feels without the input of another. 

That was my spiritual awakening, I didn't know it at the time. I would even go further than that and say that my healing/road to my authentic self started the moment I stood up for myself in 2014. Then before my spiritual awakening, I ignored my intuition for the last time. This made me lose my need to put your feelings above my own. 2020 is when the first glass was shattered In front of me. A few questions were answered, the who, the what and the Why. The fact is I wouldn't have seen that because my life was filtered

through the eyes of other people. 2021 and 2022 acceptance and learning about myself. 

2023 is a year of truly living my authentic self. My mindset has drastically changed, right now I can't afford to ignore my intuition. I am manifesting, It's no longer about hoping and praying. I will act surprised when the thing I want becomes a reality. I am questioning myself less, the truth is the truth. I am not ignoring that again. My focus is another thing that has changed drastically. In the past, it's been on the guesstimate of what others want. The world has beaten the people-pleaser personality out of me. Not completely, like I've said before am recovering. I am more excited and less uncertain about the future. I am two feet deep Into the spiritual world, tarot, angel numbers, l love reverse numbers (21:12 but you got it) meditation, and yoga. Don't get it twisted my relationship with God is number one, that's what brought me here. It's what is going to carry me through. Because my Intuition is telling me deep down in my bones right to my soul. That a drastic change is coming but this time in my environment.

I didn't write the time but it was about an hour and a bit. 

I will trust that the things that I can't see through my eyes will one day become the things I can see through my eyes.

See you when I see you.

Morning page #242 Only one person will read this.

The last time I slept was yesterday at 8 p.m. I haven't been to sleep since. Can't sleep because I have this, Jobfair to go to on the 24th. Everything that could go wrong will go wrong. My fellow anxiety suffers know the drill. It's mandatory, this job, and I don't understand the reason, I mean I know on paper they want me to go. But what's the bigger picture here? I don't think work coaches and victims...um, I mean companies, see mandatory the same way. 

Washed plates in the sink, took out the bin.

Now it's 10:07 loose tea leaf in front of me. I was going to have just tea with a bag, then I thought I might as well do a reading. 

Currently, I am listening to my wedding day playlist on Spotify, yes I have that. 

This page will be about the lack of my love life. The only reason I can hang on to us is because of only what's In my head. I'll see visions of that long-overdue conversation. Visions of us as a couple doing couple things. Then I get reminded of the on-paper things. Someone on my left shoulder will say 

'Sweetie, If he wanted you....'

Then the Image of us with our twin girls will pop into my head (Hannah and Hope btw)

God will say it's your choice, believe what you want to. give up if that's what you want.

Then I'll go down the road of regret. Maybe things would have been different If I had the tools to just say words. I'll beat myself up about not being able to forget that fact.

When I write morning pagel It's unfiltered for the most part. I still do filter myself a bit because recovering people pleasers can't just go cold turkey. Truth is..., what I realise now is even though I hate to say it because I don't believe in that. It was love at first sight. The moment my eyes saw him crushing hard. I didn't have any reason to believe he didn't feel the same way until I saw that he had a girlfriend on Facebook. I  was more shocked and I felt like such an idiot. I was grateful I didn't say anything now because my heart would have been shattered, not broken shattered. The vision of him saying

'Esther I think you're great, but I don't feel that way about you,' 

came into my head.

Eventually, I went to how can I have been so wrong and what was the whole point of all this.  Then I saw that he was engaged and I thought well how he feels is clear, this was years ago. So I started giving him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't know, missed opportunities, reading the room wrong. I clearly missed the point, the lesson God was trying to show me. That's the last information I know about him, for all I know he could be dead. That's the worst-case scenario. 

Today my heart is not broken as in, in half but It's not completely whole because of what I just said. I know now that the lesson was self-love. Yes, I did recognise my feelings first, but then I squashed that down quickly because of the reason. I can't be anything but happiness about the way my life has turned out.

This year I've let go of the control. I mean I have no choice but to let go because I have, zero ways of contacting him. to need the truth, the truth from day one. 

I usually post my blog posts on Instagram this time I'm not doing that. I am just going to trust God and the universe to get the person who needs to see it to read it. 

47 minutes, see you see you

Morning pages #241 mood boosters

Woke at 11:30 a.m. today. Went to check the boiler was on because it's always turned off during the night nowadays. I had a one-sided conversation (talking in riddles I know but I'm not saying who and what It wasn't a bad one) that charged my already teating down mood to fully low, this happens every week. 

My mood is down because my throat is tickling so I made myself Some tea.

 

Tea check: Still hot but drinkable.

this incident got me thinking of my mood boosters

11:50 on the clock my anxious playlist on Spotify, that's the biggest one. I was thinking about my 40th party next year and unwanted guests. Then I was thinking about what will do if I had to tell these people to leave of which there are two. Then I put on Ron Konoly's album 'Sing Out' and I was happy. Music has been boosting my mood Since the days of my VHS tape of his live performance. I would watch It to the end. Then rewind it and watch it again. 

Didnt mention you know who In this morning page yet. I was thinking the other day why I haven't broken down yet. I mean it's been a long time and nothing I want to happen has happened yet. This has been my dream since the first meeting. Apart from a brief moment where I was able to convince myself I wasn't truly madly, deeply in love. Not to be confused with me trying to convince myself I don't feel what I clearly do. It's because I have a life, that's why I haven't broken down in tears over this. I can't imagine if this was all I had in life. 

My new life starts now. A new chapter is around the corner. 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.