Growth.

I feel like I say this a lot, and I will continue to say it till the end of time, I am a very lucky person.

I could sit here and list things that make that true, a quarter of them being before I hit puberty.

One of those reasons being, I was born into a loving family, both parents. Insecurities were just that IN me, they were never about another person. Which I knew deep down were not true, which is part of why I’m still here today. It’s like my insecurities were a brick wall. And I could see the other side I just couldn’t get to it because of this brick wall. And since I’m not superhuman/ a superhero and don’t have don’t have super powers (unfortunately). I’ve been working on gaining the tools to break down that wall for years.

I’ve grown so much, I mean I’m 33 so that’s a given. One great example of this being…

I recently quit my job, I mean today will make it nearly 2 months that I told my boss I had to leave for ‘personal reasons’. I didn’t tell him anything more than that. Even when he tried to pull it out of me by saying

“Is it the distance?” …etc etc.

I wasn’t budging, I needed to leave that place in a positive cloud. Maybe one day we will meet again, and I will tell him the truth, or he’ll come across this somehow. I’d say to him…here’s the thing, I hated that place. I hated going to work and I was counting the hours till I went home when I was there. I couldn’t pin point one reason because it was a bunch of stuff that just built up.

From the first day, I was not feeling it, for want of a better phrase. When I decided I needed to leave I went back and forth, the pros and cons.

What will I do next? I'm very unhappy here. Should I, can I leave this place without another job to fall back on. If I stay I know what this MIGHT lead to…depression, I recognise the signs. It can only get better, right. This MIGHT lead to something down the line. I emphasize the might in both those sentences.

Then in the second week I had a conversation with one of my colleagues. He asked me how I was finding it.

‘It’s fine’…I lied

He wouldn’t let it go, possibly because he could tell I wasn’t being truthful. So, I said

“It’s too much for one person to do.”

And then he said

“It’s not too much.’

I felt like slapping him. Like…mate, we are two different people. What you can do does not amount to what I can do, for better or for worse. Do you know why I can tell you it’s too much for one person to do, because I’m doing it.

You may say

“Esther why didn’t you just tell them you weren’t happy.”

I didn’t care enough, to be honest. I thought about it, knowing full well that my boss will probably talk to my colleagues. And in turn would probably make my job harder. I decided it just wasn’t worth it. If I loved it there, if I liked any part of this job I would have said something.

“But what was it specifically.”

You may say

I just didn’t feel welcome. I was working alone in the kitchen most of the time, barked orders. I was told to be quicker. Granted I was also told that in my last job. The difference being at Millie’s it was a team environment. Even though I worked in the kitchen, I still had colleagues saying.

‘Do you need any help, let me know if you do.’

Most of the time there was two people working in the kitchen, and I didn’t have half as much to do at Millie’s than I did at this last job.  

Then I looked to my future and I didn’t want to be working here in 5 year’s time, I didn’t want to be working here the next day.

So, I texted my boss (a text…really?) I waited for the response. And once he had accepted it, and said OK. I…rejoiced, let me tell you. I felt so happy, and proud of myself, that I had the courage to go through with it. Do you think I would be able to do that a year ago…nope. I would have just stayed, and I would probably still be there till this day, telling myself…

“Just do better.”

I don’t know what my next job will be. What I do know is I need to make decisions with my 5 year’s time self in mind. My 5 year plan has been the same since I was 18, get married, have kids. Everything else is a bonus.

Why can't people hear me when I talk.

When  I was younger I was very shy, not only that I was quiet too.
I don't just mean, didn't talk much (I mean that too).
Looking back it felt like no one heard me when I spoke.
Adults were constantly telling me to speak up.
As I grew up the volume in my voice didn't get better.
People stopped saying speak up and started saying

'Pardon'  and
'What did you say?'

When you hear it once or twice its fine, but when you hear it for the 100th time it starts to chip at your confidence.
Then I started thinking what's the point of talking if no one is going to hear me.
I went through what I went though and now that I've gain my confidence and am constantly adding to it.
Now I don't really get people saying speak up at all.
I don't get people saying pardon or what did you say? (Maybe once in a while).
I just get the move forward with a hand to their ear.
Which is so, so anoying it makes me want to scream.
Instead I just do it inside and don't let it get to me.
The same way I don't let the little things that lead to my depresion lead to it again.

Why I left my job.

Here’s the low down

As you know by now I got the Job, working at Millie’s Cookies in Stratford.
I never thought it could happened, I was determined and It was going to be my goal for the new year. The stuff I thought I'd struggle with the most is the thing I enjoy most. The interacting with people part, the working on the till part, I love meeting people.
For a while everything was going swimmingly. Then people started saying…

‘You need to be quicker Esther,”

Was this a mistake, what’s the point If I can’t even keep up.

I was feeling bad for other people having to do my work as well as their own. They were nice about, they never got mad or shouted (at least that I saw.) For that reason, I stuck with it, I loved the job so much and the people I worked with.

It was month 6 that I finally began to find my stride. I was doing mainly morning shifts and had found a routine.  I was doing great, I was even getting good at completing everything (Well most of it) I needed to do before the next person came in for their shift.

On the 8^th month we were told there was to be a meeting. Apparently, Millie’s Cookies Stratford was closing, this meant I had to say goodbye to my job. I was nervous and worried, but I was reassured by my boss who said there’s a job going at Paddington station. I was excited, until I realised that there weren’t a Millie’s cookies in Paddington. Then I was back to anxious and worried.

I went to meet the manager who also managed a few other kiosks in Paddington. At this point it wasn’t clear where I was going to work. I thought maybe the Pastry shop because that was where I was told to meet him.

So, we sat down and had a chat. He asked about my Job history, why I hadn’t worked before, the usual. He told me where I was going to work (Delice De France btw). To be honest I had to look it up because I had never heard of it before. Mainly they do panni’s, baguettes and Pastries. Sort of like a posh Greggs (I mean a smaller Greggs) Anyway he seemed nice (He is nice).

I started on the 4^th September. I was told ‘we’ had to make 25 Panni’s x 5. I thought that’s doable with 2 people. Then that girl left and that’s how I worked, in the kitchen alone for the rest of my time there, making up to 100 Panni’s. I soon would realise that I had to make 16 breakfast croissants, not to mention a maximum of 20 breakfast rolls. That first day I wanted to leave. I stayed because it was the first day. I thought it can only get better, it didn’t, I still felt the same way I did on the first day a week later. I would have left that week but then I saw my pay check and I was like…Esther be strong. The next week I texted my boss that I had to leave DDF asap, stating personal reason’s as my why? This was the truth, it wasn’t a lie. To be quite honest with you I hated it there, from start to finish. I was miserable, I dreaded going to work, watching the clock when I was there, all of this in a few weeks. I knew I needed to leave before it started messing with my mental health.

So that’s where I am, unemployed looking for work (not in retail, God not in retail). Because I didn’t want to spend a second wasting it somewhere I wasn’t happy.

Life update.

No go on the McDonald job. I did some research (on the internet) before my interview. I know, I know, bad idea.
I'm going to focus on the voice that says
"It wasn't meant to be. You are meant for better things."
And not the one that says.
"Everyone gets a job at McDonald's...too shy, too shy, too shy."
I  was getting emails of job offers/ interviews including another administrator training job offer. Which I had to miss.
A care assistant training job, I applied for that.
A airport cleaner job offer. A few kitchen porter jobs.

On the 27^th of December my phone started to ring. I wasn’t going to answer it, it was the holidays and it was 9am. 

The phone call was from the manager of Millie's Cookies, asking me if I’m still interested in the job I applied for days earlier. The next day I went there, I thought it was an interview but it was a training day. The Manager asked me if I wanted the job, if I thought I could do it.

“Yes, I absolutely wanted the job.

You don’t know how wonderful it is to say, I’m starting the year with a job.