Morning page #147 I did my part

 11:29 am cup of Moringa tea in front of me.

A package just came, this reminds me of whenever that happens my mum always asks 

what is it? 

It use to frustrate me because I usually order from amazon, but never one thing so I'd be guessing. Just like when someone knocks and you say

 

Who is it?

Why, am I missing something, I literary know as much as you. I think I get frustrated because I feel like I should know the reason you think that's not a silly question but I don't.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I slept to a deep lucid dream...thing on YouTube (I guess vid) but that's not the word I was thinking about. I didn't have a lucid dream but I did have a great deep, great sleep. 

My morning consists of me waking up and going to the toilet (number 1, not number 2...usually) writing in my sleep diary, where I record my sleep hours  (just to have it really). Well, I did that first and wrote it in my brain book.    see above

Wash the plates, then put on the kettle for tea.

Actually, I was reminded of what I was going to say before the package came.

Moringa has...rewrote (not the word I wanted)

I thought tea had to smell good to be great. The word pihlosophy (don't know how to smell spell that word) came into my head.

Moringa tea literary smells like farts but it's delicious. I guess it's a fennel and nettles thing. Legitime (another word I can't spell) makes me want to be sick.

I guess I should check if my tea has cooled down...still a little hot.

This morning page is titled

I did my part.

Let's start with a story.

When I was 5 years old I was quiet...I'm gonna use the word shy here but it's not something I identify with today. 

I heard the phrase

'Speak up,' 

too many times to mention. I back then would beat myself up about that... 

I guess that's where my need to do better, being too hard on myself started.

Funny enough them saying that didn't make me want to hold my head up high and speak louder. It made me speak lower because I was self-conscious about it. I wasn't doing it on purpose. I can only assume my teachers weren't saying 'speak up,' to be d***s. These two things happened and that was the result. 

Currently, I'm awaiting a phone appointment with the restart scheme. My phone is not charging so that's not available. The only option is the house phone. I at this point can only email them (because of reasons) the new number and hope they get it. 

When I am spiralling into overthinking and thoughts of it's my fault my phone isn't working. I will remind myself I can only do what I can do nothing more nothing less, I am not superhuman'

38 minutes, (ooh a long one today) see you when I see you 

Morning page #146 mandatory

 11:42 am cup of peppermint tea in front of me. Still binging Cats does countdown. 

 I was going to do this before my UC appointment but that choice was taken out of my hand when I woke up at 9: 30 am for a 10 am appointment. It was quick I was back home at 10:30. The appointment took about 10 minutes. 

I am glad that I could say no to something I didn't need. And my work coach didn't give me a 

'Well if you don't have a good enough reason, you have to go,'

The next thing she offered and I say that word loosely. Because she also said it was mandatory. I'm telling you they need to get rid of that word. Despite that, I'm not mad. I think it will be good, a good experience. It's an interview with MacDonald

{1} I haven't been on an interview in months (but probably more like years)

{2} I am optimistic about going.

let life happen and all that. I'm just going to let what is meant to be, be.

I just remember this. I even managed to end it before 12 pm at 11:57.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #145

10:11 am a cup of tea and something tea. It's called something but I can't remember. I will be looking that up...pineapple with ginseng, Twinings Focus.  

8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my  Mac.

I randomly decided to binge-watch it from the beginning. Well, not randomly I was watching the latest episode a day before. Just now reminded myself of an early Morning page, like years (probably a year) ago. Where I was doing the same thing, deja vu anyone?

Right now I'm feeling anxious / can't wait till I don't have to do this anymore about my appointment tomorrow. Also trying not to beat myself up about something I can't control. Speaking in riddles but it's something I didn't realise till right now. 

Today's number puzzle is 111

18 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #144 Top 5 strengths

 8: 17 am, Tarot card readings on Youtube. A cup of tea in front of me.

Just finished taking a test about my top five strengths.

(1) Faith 

(2) Curiosite

yes all correct so far

(3) Communication

Hmm, I would have said that was one of my weaknesses at first glance. But I guess it's true just not in-the-talking sense. From a young age knew it was something I struggled with so I tried to find ways to communicate and that speaks volumes.  

(4) Self Motivation  

All day every day mate.

(5) Integrity

I'm gonna have to look that word up, to be honest. 

lol, and that's literally what it means. 

The quality of being honest and having strong principles, oh yea 100%

Thing is...I've moved on to another subject (sort of) about being a people pleaser

btw, I just forgot what I was going to say...man what was I going to say...man what was it...nope it's totally gone...

damn, I wish I could remember. 

Ok, I'm moving on from this now because it's disappeared from my head. I'll remember it at some point.. or I won't. That's another lesson I learnt. As a writer ideas jump in and out of my head. I used to rush to write them down 'cause I didn't want to forget them. Now I'm like I will not do that because I'm comfortable. I will remember the important ones and the ones I don't we're not great anyway.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #143 One day this will be my reality (crush)

 10 am, got woken up because mum wanted me to print some stuff. She's going to be a guest speaker. I am trying to get rid of this in the future. Doing admin stuff for my mother. I just have nightmares bout her taking a cap to my house in the morning with the printer saying.

'Can you help me to print this?'

I can't have that. That and universal credit needs to disappear from my future. I will not be taking them with me. I'm going to make myself a cup of tea. I just need to print these and put them in my mum's hand so I can relax.

I'm not sure if I'm going to continue these or when I will miss a day. Originally I was thinking of Monday to Friday and the weekend was optional.  On the bright side, I had a great sleep. 7 hours long, and I had a dream but I can't remember it now. 

11:01 am  Angel number, signs, we love that. a cup of Dark Chai in front of me, I only have 6 or 7 bags left. As you know I didn't originally love it when I first tasted it.  Family Guy season 6 episode 5: Stewie kills Lois, one of my favourite episodes but then again they all are, so.  I think I'm going to start typing my love letters. I've done journaling so that's out of the way. 

My plan is to give my husband these letters of which there are currently 30. I think I will be older than I think I will when we get married at this point. I've always just seen my feelings and they become a reality. The whole dating, relationship, marriage, and kids with this guy. As in the future. In my head, I was like I am alive so there is a chance. 

18 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #142 Universal Credit out of my life

 Woke at 10: 48 seconds later my mum brought my niece, Valerie, to my room with a toy. That's how she says can you look after her for a while? 

I slept to family guy episodes, in turn, woke to it too. 

currently, season 4 episode 26 is playing.

10:56 am, I am awaiting a phone appointment at 2 pm. I'm anxious about it. I was meant to go to recruitment on the 24th of August (my birthday). I didn't tell my work coach at the time. 

The reason: I did forget for a second is that whole 'must be right or else' thing. I thought I didn't have a choice. Been one way for so long that I forgot I have one. 

I am worried my work coach will be mad. She will have expected me to go. 

I'm worried she'll say 

"why didn't you say it was your birthday,'

and I won't be able to say the above reason. This anxiety before an appointment is the reason I know universal credit can't stay in my life for much longer. I will be much much happier when it's gone.

Right now I'm thinking about the love of my life.

I wonder what my soulmate is doing this second?

Is he asleep?

Is he awake?

How many days till he makes contact?

That's the stage on my journey to a relationship and therefore all my dreams coming true. In the past I would be like, I hope he feels the same way and I wish for him to contact me. Now I'm like, I know he feels the same way. Can't wait for him to contact me 

(11:11 am)

15 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #141 Talking to people is not an option

Woke at 10:08 am and I went to the toilet. Family guy season 2 episode 14 (which I worked out because the next episode to be played is episode 15) on mac, the breakfast club one. So now that ending is in my head

'A bum...a bum...'

Also 

'Don't you forget about me,' song in my head

10:26 am no nothing in front of me because I am tired. Dream but can't remember. I got an email about writing a letter to my future self in a year and it caused me to look at the other future me letters I have written. I couldn't find it, I couldn't remember where I put it. It's looking like I c=accidently threw it away. If it doesn't turn up in the next few days I will assume that's what happened. It's a shame. Every time I look at the love letters (which I've written since 2015) I'm scared of accidentally throwing them away. Making me wonder if I should type it up,  at this point, there are 30. I think between now and this time next year they probably will be on USB. 

When I went to the toilet I saw the chairs from the garden by the door ( of my room). I assume my mum wants me to put it back. Yea what other explanation is there? It would be easier if I just asked her. But talking to people is difficult for me. It's just one of those things I gained. Having to guess because my confidence in asking/ talking to people is shockingly low. It's not just about lack of confidence it's about being wrong. If my mum was to say yea in turn ' state the obvious,' I would feel worse than if I guessed and decided for myself. I'd feel like an idoit idiot and my brain wouldn't let me forget how stupid. Learnt though and I realise now that that was in place to protect me and it was all put there to help me navigate this mess of a world in safety.

20 minutes, see you when I see you 

Can't do anything about it right now.

I came across futureme.org a couple of weeks ago. It was while doing the 33 days journey for the energy of positive change challenge. 

I decided to look through the other letter to myself I've written in the past. Some are even to open in 20 years. 

After searching for a while I made a choice to stop. Right here right now I have no idea where it is. So I make a choice to let it go and stop wasting my time looking for it. Because in the future I will find out what happened to them. either I'll find it or I will not and realise I did actually throw them away. In both cases, there's nothing I can do about it today. Luckily the love letters I've written since 2015 ( though none in 2016, 2017, and none in 2018) are safe. I think I'm going to type them up (all 30 of them) and put them on a USB. 

Morning page #140 What a year

 07: 52 am I haven't been to sleep today. I'll go to sleep after this, I am already in bed. Decided to not make a cup of tea for that reason. The daily show on the Mac. 

I am tired and trying to think of something to write.

I posted 3 tiktoks already this morning. Journaled in Start with gratitude, Prayer book, one line a day, question and answer journal, sketch-a-day and doodle-a-day. 

I'm trying to make this day what it will be. I am going to bed after this because I'm tired. I  did all that stuff in the morning because I wanted to relax and that motivated me. I put on The Daily Show because there is nearly 2000  episodes videos. 

How was my year?

Filled with love and laughter and happiness. I gained a better understanding of my life today. I'm seeing it from a different angle if you like. A lot of things that didn't in the past make perfect sense now.

16 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #139 The N-word

 Awoke at 09: 05

last night I caught up on Casualty and 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. I was also trying to decide what I should do with my hair (because my birthday is tomorrow). Decided to just shape it by trimming it with scissors after eliminating all the things I would do because I worried what another person would think. 

I woke up and I needed to wee.

Should I make tea?

the dream I had just disappeared from my head. Sometimes that's it sometimes I remember drams as the day goes on.

09: 38 am Green tea in front of me. The Daily Show on my Mac. I started binging two old shows the last few days, NYPD Blue and Devious maids. No three...Private practice. All great shows but just haven't felt motivated to go back in the last few days. Reminded that Shehawk started last week when I went to check what the third show was. 

Is my tea cold?

It's still hot.

What am I going to eat for breakfast?

Should I write in my gratitude book and prayer book today?

Trevor...

(man my arm is killing me...I guess I've decided the answer to the last question)

...Noah is hilarious. All I know about politics is from watching that show. A story about Joe Rogan is on now this reminded me of the Joe Rogan has been saying the N-word on his show for years and getting away with it. I remember I posted something about it that turned into an argument (one-sided).

No 1: Him having a black stepdaughter doesn't give him a pass he should know better.

No 2: It takes the same amount of syllables to say nigger.

18 minutes, see you when I see you 

Morning page #138 Free bleeding

 10: 59 am, a cup of dark chai tea in front of me, The Daily Show on my mac. 

I only watch this show on youtube nowadays. Not for any other reason but I just do. Pretty sure I could watch it on comedy central if I so, please. 

Warning: I will be talking about my period, so if that bothers you, skip this.

I've been thinking about free bleeding this cycle.

Free bleeding = when you don't use a...use anything to collect the blood. Like pads, tampons, cups...etc ( I feel like I missed one that's why I put...etc) 

I feel like whenever we talk about periods we think of it...the words we think of are dirty and disgusting, men and women. I am no exception. I hate it when people talk about their period when I am weeks away from starting mine. Because it makes me think of mine. 

My conclusion is I will probably try this. I watched a few videos on youtube and I wasn't disgusted. probably won't be the next period. Not even the next 3 or 5, but definitely soon.

PS: I am going to try to write a morning page every day this week. it's 2 days away from my birthday.

19 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning pages #137

 Woke 7:45 am. Need to drink more water.

I have two ways to know that.

One: look at my pee, if it’s dark, not enough, if it’s light (almost see-through) too much.

Two: if my lips are cracked.

The only way I have before I realise is to play it by ear, I ask myself have I drank water today?

Should I write a morning page at all?

Should I write one now or go back to sleep and write it when I wake? Assuming that I will wake before 12 pm.

Let life happen and all that.

I’ve decided to write it now at 7: 53am.

Should I make myself tea?

Did I wash my mug last night? I can’t remember.

08:03 am, I decided to make myself a cup

How would tell a mug from a cup just by sight?... I guess by size.

My restart shume…for goodness sack, I can’t spell it…scheme appointment in 7 hours. My niece is walking now.

I also have a UC appointment tomorrow. Which was rescheduled from the 11^th. I want to know why it needed to be.

I’m guessing the reason was my work coach could couldn’t come to work or something. Usually, when that happens another work coach will take it. No one was available maybe,

Stress and anxiety, I’m counting down the days till it’s out of my life.

10 minutes (quick one) see you when I see you.

 

Realised

 I just realised something right now while I was showering. In 2001 I was doing the Prince's Trust and my teacher asked us a dilemma

‘You have two seats on a boat and three people (including yourself obviously)…who would you give the seats to,’

My answer was the other two people. I don’t remember any details about the other two. If it was two people you know, but it wouldn’t have made a difference.

My teacher’s reaction to that was

‘Why,’

Up until this moment right now I thought he was saying

‘Why…why would you do that,’

Judgmentally and questioning

But I think he was saying

‘Why…what is your reason,’

I want to understand from your point of view.

My reaction to his question was a shrug of the shoulder

I didn’t remember what my teacher said after ‘why’ I assumed it was the first because I always put myself in someone else shoes. Not just to see and understand where you’re coming from but also I am that person. I had a lot of questions in my head back then, that began with the why. I was to focused on the judgement I didn’t want people to think I was judging them because that’s what I would think if the tables were turned.

 

Morning page #136

 Woke at 11am because of my alarm.

Random song in my head Craig David 7 days

‘6.o clock in the morning wipe the sleep from eyes.’

Because I did that, though it is not six

Should I even write a morning page?

Yes, why not its eleven after all

 

11:22 am, cup of dark chai tea in front of me. I woke to YouTube, the daily show to be exact. Now I am on the subscriptions list. ‘Perception,’ season 2 episode 9 now playing on Disney+. I do not really need to write Disney+. If you read recent morning pages you know that already. Plus, it is not important really. I wrote it because I need something to write. This episode got me thinking about punishment and the law. I vet always been black and white with that stuff. I am empathetic and recognise that there is sometimes a good enough reason, but sometimes it gets confused with an excuse.

I am starting to like this dark chai. Or maybe I am just trying to finish it. Is it I am or I am.? Which one is right in that sentence?

Was that line from 7 days, I am positive it is a Craig David song, or is it?

Its ‘rendervo,’ (how do you even spell that…rendezvous) yep that’s the one.

 

27 minutes, see you when I see. 

Morning pages #135 How I know it’s love

 06:44 am cup of dark chai tea in front of me, even though I'm not really a fan. I was trying to replace my usual black tea. I used to buy one a few years ago that worked, it was lovely.

Finished watching 'Lie to me,' on disney+ last night and I was looking for something to watch.

 

"Watch perception,"

 

I tried 'Burn notice,'. I mean I am familiar with the title but I haven't seen it up until now for some reason, not a fan.

Then I went to 'Criminal minds: beyond boards,'

 

'Watch 'Perception,'

 

Though I remember Gary Sinise from CSI: NY. It would usually be enough to keep watching. Along with believability and good acting. Those things go hand in hand.

 

I've seen 'Perception,' before, not when it was first aired, but years ago, like 2018 maybe.

These last few years have caused me to be honest with who I am, I'm funny, and I'm smart. I'm smart because I'm very curious and I know there's a lot I don't know. On paper, you might think I am smart because I read a lot. No, it's because I watch too much TV. That's how I masked the fact I was autistic for so long.

 

This morning page is titled

 

How I knew I was in love.

 

My honesty lead me to the realisation I've always known what I want. Or more accurately what I don't. When I left school with not great GCSEs. I knew I wanted to help people. I knew I didn't want to disappoint or make the wrong choice.

How I know I'm in love

 

It's been 10+ years which should be enough. Also, I never stopped day and night. I am thinking of him. I mean I don't know any more than the first year we met, fact is I want to.

 

53 minutes, see you when I see you.

I got distracted watching 'Perception,' I forgot how good this show is and how amazing of an actor Eric McCormack is.

Morning page #134

 Woke at 10:41 am and decided to write a morning page.

Should I make myself tea or just write it without?

I was tired, the heavy to move tired. Which leads to can’t be bothered. While in the kitchen I decided to change my usual tea and make myself a hot chocolate latte. No milk in the house though.

Google search: What to do when there is no more milk in the house.

The hot chocolate was finished so I used the container for my dreams jar.

11:17 am, Lie to me on Disney+. That hot chocolate latte is not terrible without milk. I was hungry so I made cut some fruit.

Craving some crunch, like crisps.

I’m trying to put a positive spin on my anxiety. This moment in the past was always full of worry. Like I said before everything that could go wrong would go wrong. A week before, now a day. It’s like a cycle my work coach will tell me what I am not doing. This time it was that I am not job searching enough or in the right way. I don’t disagree (apart from the right way bit) then I’d worry I would be…it seems weird, I guess…

(I don’t want to say stupid because I’m trying to eliminate that from my vocabulary)

Crazy (crazy might be a better word) to say this because I’m turning 38 in a few weeks…told off

My positive

I am one step closer to not having this in my life. Even though it’s been in my life a very very long time it will soon be over. I can only do what I can do nothing more nothing less. I have got to focus on the reason no matter what. I shall not, I will not overanalyze like I own a time machine.

Damn it I need to wee.

I decided to take my plate and cup into the kitchen and wash them. While there I saw my mum making food, I will enjoy that later. 

After this, I’m going to journal.

55 minutes, see you when I see you.

                                                                                                                                                            

Morning page #133 healing

 11:04 am go to the toilet. My morning routine consists of a cup of tea and then washing the plates in the sink.

Should I wash the plates before or after I write this?

11:28 am sink empty, just realised today is my wash day, teeth, hair, face, bath (though I do teeth and bath on other days too)

Should I now or after?

11:52 am I am back clean and refreshed.

Should I put lotion or just leave it?

Should I leave this morning’s page at that, rip it out and not post it because it’s nearly 12?

12:09 pm a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I usually don’t write one after 12 but I’m making an exception because I had a busy…well hour really.

I had a love song in my head, and I was going to write guess why. Now that song has gone from my head.

Today’s morning page is titled

how I healed

number one for me is acceptance. I may not have written this on these pages (I think I did but I won’t be checking) I am an everything happens for a reason girl at heart. Even when I don’t know the reason just knowing there is one is enough. There are so many things that I know were put there for my survival. Things that didn’t let me subcome to the sadness let the sadness keep me down Music, tv, random songs in my head. At first, I was doing it because it was fun. I believe God showed them to me as signs. Anyway, acceptance…I right now am going through a spiritual awakening. Started in 2019 when I decided to feel my feels and not tell myself to I don’t feel what I clearly do because if the evidence doesn’t fit. I think I’m, not the only one but if there’s a room of 9 other people who all think the same way it takes a lot of courage to say

‘uh..actually…,’

And I think most of us will sit down and fall into line. The fact is those 9 people thinking differently don’t change what you feel. Feel my feels, guess what it started with.

Mt acceptance of the feelings I have for the guy I've known for nearly 20 years, still there, still stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.

Moring page #132

 11: 52 am a cup of detox tea in front of me, lie to me on my mac.

Most of the time I wake up having missed a few episodes and I debate whether to go back and watch them. I figure I have watched them, even though I did not see them, also I cannot be bothered.

I found a way to find shows to watch on Disney+. Look under suggested of the show just watched. After that, I will search procedural.

Now that my life is in another stage the spiritual awakening. I see my life from another angle. My life is based on a reason,’ If I see something that does not make sense, I do not correct it. An unfinished plate on the counter. Because I know there is a reason. That unfinished plate, someone may be coming back to and throwing it away, cleaning the plate. That ruined the person’s food day. I am always working off ‘there is always something I don’t know,’ and that is covered in the reason.

I am hungry, thinking about getting something to eat after this

47 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #131 thinking of…crush

 11:07 am but still tired, how is that possible (might be because my alarm went off) I’m about to make myself some tea (probably some peppermint)

Oh my God, my dream is coming back…now it’s gone.

…tea because my throat is tickling. I feel the bruing (well that’s wrong) brewing of a sore throat.

I just remembered my dream …and now it’s gone.

 11:28 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me, The daily show on my mac. I only watch that show on YouTube. Still need to journal, sketch and doodle- a -day.

Just remembered my dream…I need to write that down.

My work coach forgot to set up the next appointment for 10 days and I didn’t know what was going on. Talking to people is not an option. I don’t mean like it’s difficult because yea that too. I mean like that option is nowhere on my list. Because it’s risky, it comes with regret every time (ok, maybe not every time) Either the answer is obvious (like when I asked my mum why it’s called the blue) and I feel like an idiot sending me backwards or I have reminded them of something they forgot. Not gonna lie I am feeling a little impatient (just a touch) about the things that need to be gone from my life one thing in particular 

🠝🠝🠝‘cough, cough,’🠉🠉🠉

Thinking of doing a mind map every month, until I get sick of it. It helps me to get my feelings, not in my head. I did one for May and I did one for July.

I wonder what the one is doing right now. Is he asleep? Is he at work? Is he in someone else arms? These are the questions on a loop in my mind every day.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

I didn’t even touch my tea, still hot.

Morning page #130 It's early.

Woke up and I needed to wee, saw that it was almost five. I thought I might as well write a morning page.

Right now, at 4:59 am deciding if I should make some tea first. Currently watching tarot card readings on YouTube.

 5:08 am, a cup of peppermint tea (Tetley's peppermint tea to be exact)

Feelings/ thinking: I started thinking about money before I went to the kitchen. How I have always found it hard to save money. And how I've changed the way I think about that including accepting that. If I want something and I can afford it I'll buy it. What am I saving for? God always provides.

Whilst in the kitchen I thought about eating breakfast but decided against it.

I saw the morning page I wrote on A4 paper and decided I need to stick it (using Sellotape) in this notebook. It's funny that watching a tarot card reading about your spirit animals,' gave me an elephant, I have been obsessed with elephants lately. It started when I figured I need a specialist subject better than TV. I chose Elephants because they are big, and most people think they know what they're about. But I think they're very gentle creatures and are also misunderstood. I am now thinking about the one (I'm not even going to write crush and cross it out this time, honestly that ship sailed after year 5). Move on to 'their next move,' reading...social media.

 

16 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #129 Only honesty from now on.

 

8: 03 am a bowl of fruit in front of me. Watch later (YouTube) tarot card reading on Mac. I would have left it at the first in the past but I’m thinking a lot about the reason nowadays.

The reason: fear of judgement. 15-year-old Esther would assume that as a Christian born again Christian I wasn’t allowed to even think about this stuff. Just like I wasn’t allowed to vocalize how I really felt about the LGBTQ+ community. I’m a girl of signs so I must share that I’ve been seeing more and more hearts. Recently, I saw one a few minutes ago when I was making tea.

I think I am going to try to add me for a reason or what lead to here’s…uh, I’m not explaining it well, but you’ll understand when you read the next line.

I woke with a cough and my throat was itching. So, I went to get some tea. Then I saw my mum’s iPad, so I decided to post today’s affirmation.

I’m wondering if I should talk about my affirmations project or leave it for another day (well it won’t take long)

Basically, I’ve been posting an affirmation on my TikTok since January, 21 days at a time.

 

I think I’ll call it for a reason.

At the end of this morning’s page, I’m feeling relaxed and happy. My throat is not itching anymore. The saying in my head after hearing it in a tarot card reading.

‘You are more powerful than you think, and not just with your words…but also that too,’

 

27 minutes, see you when I see you

 

Morning pages #128 For a reason: that lead to that.

 10: 08 am I’m tired but wide awake, having one of those days. Ideas jumped into my head, so I tried to find something to watch. I wish Disney+ had a better organization like (dare I say Netflix). It doesn’t have pre-titles, so every category just gives you all ages. If you don’t know what you're looking for you’ll get lost. Only found ‘Body of proof,’ because I’ve seen an episode before, and I didn’t hate it.

Now on to the fifth episode, yea I think I like this show. Familiar faces on this show why have I not watched it before now (except for that one episode of course)

I am these days focusing on…I don’t know how to put it…look back on what I did vrs making it perfect. My mindset has changed this year alone.

I’m taking the everything happens for a reason quote the way it was meant.

The reason was how I was feeling that lead me to a series not and movie, that lead me to drama, not a thriller. I see a familiar show that led me to click on it. I wasn’t meant to watch the whole series when I saw that episode that one time. Not even when it first aired.

It may seem crazy no, not crazy, obsessive might be a better but not great word. Fact is it’s helped me to not see my life as a failure because I didn’t hit milestones.

Just getting over a sore throat I’ve had many over the years. I come to realize, I thought it this one I think this one was because of hay fever. I don’t get sick during the year so when I get hay fever everything comes at once. Hay fever then cough, then the sore throat.

 

1hr (wow, I got distracted watching Body of proof) 13 minutes, see you when I see you.