Morning page #222

 I had a jampacked dream today, great dream, great sleep. I am tired and I'm thinking to myself I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sleep. But alas I have an appointment at 10:30 am. Get ready to go at 10:03 and arrived in the area at 10:20. 

Not a good appointment from my point of view I am very stressed about it. I got home at 11:50, still, I decided to write this even though it's now

12:20 cup of sweet caramel in front of me. I am currently doing my affirmations. starting with motivation quotes.

Tea check: hot but drinkable

Survival mode I am ready for it to be done.

If you are going on benefit and work-based benefit especially. My advice is don't trust anyone. Your work coach is not your friend they are just trying to do their job and get paid. You're just a number to them. 

I'm feeling my brain with 'its temporary,' and God is working behind the scenes, but I don't want to be in this cycle of stress and worry I am on the edge of my seat with worry. Then it's fine like nothing happened. Then on to the next one. I just can't take another second of this. My work coach says I'm not doing enough, but I can not do anything that is more to please others than not. I've been put on a mandatory course and I'm beating myself up about going. I'm sick of this I want it gone.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

23 minutes see you when I see you. 

Morning page #221 My heart is made of glass

 I awoke then a few minutes later it turned 10:10 am. I stayed in bed for a few minutes posting Tiktok filter videos. hmmm, I guess I've been spending less and less time scrolling on my phone in the morning these days. Washed the plates in the sink and... I made my tea the other way water, milk tea bag because the Graze tea bag is in my room.

11: 41 am GMM season 23 on my laptop.

Tea check: drinkable

Whilst washing I was overthinking, as I do. I was thinking about the past when someone would ask me...

"Why don't you ever talk?"

I guess it was a rhetorical question, but then the person would look at me like 'Did you not understand the question?'. Which used to frustrate me so much. 

Anyway not the point

It lead to me thinking why I am so reluctant to talk not just about my problems. As we have established before I am 80% thinking 20% words. It's because I can't trust another to have my...to treat my heart with fragility (is that even a word) to handle my heart with kid gloves...uh my heart is glass...yea, you get it.

The reason I can't trust others to hold my heart with...fragility (I think that's the wrong word) is because they don't know it. Don't get me wrong there are many many people in my life who know my heart between 80% and 95% (maybe 99.9999%). The only one who knows my heart 100% is God (and my future husband)

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

45 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #220

 I woke up at 8:08, well was woken up by my niece. I went to the kitchen to wash the plates but was feeling faint so I slept for a few hours. 

Washed the plates at 10: 02 am.

11: 10 Good Mythical Morning season 23 (the current one) on my laptop. I felt like having a hot chocolate. I really wanted to write a morning page today because it's 23/23 and you know how I feel about that. 

I'm just trying to live my life today doing only what I want to do only. I'm leaning away from people-pleasing and anything that will cause me stress. I'm redistributing my focus away from the stuff that I won't see in the future, the things I'm not taking with me. I want happiness, I want laughter, I want adventure. I want new experiences. No people-pleasing doing something...anything because I am told to. No explaining my feelings. no, doing for another if I 80%+ don't want to.

I'm trying to write more without a filter not only just that but write what God tells me. I think I wrote it in a previous page. I saw a TikTok of a girl doing this. It was successful. I do it at the end most often, Love that for me.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make the walls stronger.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #219

 Woke up at 9:25 am went to the kitchen washed the plates in the sink, and half made a graze tea, but there was no milk. So changed it to peppermint tea.

10: 24 am youtube on my laptop.

I'm thinking about the things or conversations I have in my head. I am 20% words and 80% thinking. So most of the conversations don't happen out loud. 

Course, saying no and having to explain why I'm saying no. But I can't say because I don't want to, that's not good enough. I'm in fighting mode whenever my work coach says

'Can you tell me why?'

I believe my work coach is always coming from a good place. The 'it has worked before', but my work coach is not taking into account my life journey. Whether I need it or not. It's like...It pisses me off when I hear people say 

'therapy is great everyone should try it,'

instead of

'Therapy worked for me it might work for me,'

I don't think people realise that there are two types of people in the world. The ones that need to talk to people to feel better. And the ones that talking to people makes things worse, Yes I am one of those people. 

This world currently (which I believe can change in the future) has a narrative that is one way to do something and any other way is wrong. That's why I hate the 'therapy for everyone' story. You run the risk of being the talking to people makes things worse person and thinking that you are wrong. 

Allow me to figure out what I need and don't need. Allow me to be ok when it deviates from the norm.

 

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #218

 I was able to lucid dream today. I think I had a breakthrough that will stay private.

Woke at 7...ish washed plates in the sink made some tea. Did my list of affirmations. 

10:31 am Gmm season 22 on my laptop, Moringa tea in front of me. I'm back on that. Man, I was in the mood to write a morning page now I forgot what I was going to write.

 

I dreamt last night that I was lost and kept turning into insects. That type of stuff is an opportunity to lucid dream, but I missed it. At one point I came to a house and my ball got stuck in their gate, like on it. I tried to take the other ball that was there but a boy told me to take mine from the window. Then we kicked a ball around, I was a boy and I hesitated to say my age when he asked. At the last minute, I realised and said 

'This is a dream,' 

I kept seeing a dead family member. I kept saying 

'Go away,'

When I woke God said

'They are trying to apologize, let them,'

'Ok,'

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

29 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #217

 I woke at 7:20 am and I felt like writing a morning page. Went to the kitchen and made some tea. Completed my affirmations list and did some random filters. filled in my sleep diary and now I am watching tarot on the iPad.

08:14 am a cup of Raspberry Lemon peppermint tea. I had a jam-packed dream last night. Which I of course have now forgotten. I know I was in a room full of people. 

What I am realising is...(stuck on how to phrase this) it's the opposite of beating yourself up. Give myself a break, I guess (but not really). The things that I do or the effort I put in. Because I'm always coming with A and it's frustrating because the thanks or response comes back with D. The person thinks they are matching your level because they didn't know all the things that make it an A. So they think they are matching your level. I need to give myself half a break I really do. To not stop myself from feeling. I've found that the opposite makes things worse. The narrative or the advice about manifesting your dreams (let's say get married and have kids) is to stop wanting, to care less about it. While I do think that is good advice. I need to be realistic about the reason that is not easy. Truth is I am desperate to get married. Not desperate in terms of anyone. I want the right person to ask me to marry them. I've been single most of my life. At 39 how can I not have given up yet. I will need your advice but when the doubts come I will not tell myself to not tell myself to not feel it. I am a human being with feelings.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #216

9:40 I am just diving right in. Good mythical morning season 21 on the iPad. A cup of Moringa tea in front of me. I think the second brand of Moringa tea spoiled it for me. It was watery and these days I don't put sweetener in my... well hot drinks in general. 

After seeing a TikTok vid on this yesterday I decided to do it myself. This girl closed her eyes and started writing she was taping into her psychic abilities. Her results were amazing. I mean from her reaction obviously, she didn't share the results. Which is disappointing but I get it. I like psychic abilities but the spiritual side works too. Because I am powerful and I believe.

Tea check: drinkable

After all, this was the main reason for doing morning pages in the first place. To write without a filter and lean away from the perfection part of my personality.

I'm pausing to get some sweets in my mouth. yes, it's 9: 54 am right now. But the thing that I've noticed happing that started last year. I think I spoke on it in a previous morning pages. I am living my life as a main character when I was in supporting character in the past. I've not been into something that, I have in past. Things other people are, celebrities or news. Specifically, celebrities I don't know, like a genre I don't listen to or something. I just don't have space in my brain for things I don't care about. 

Oh, another note I didn't realise it was Saturday today. I love that feeling.

All dreams are impossible before it becomes possible. The doubts just make my walls stronger.

29 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #215

 I woke went to the kitchen refilled my water bottle and washed the plates, the usual. I slept to Family Guy after doing my wash day routine. It was supposed to be yesterday but I misread my habit tracker.

10: 29 am cup of Rosehip Hibiscus and pepermint teain front of me. Good mythical morning season 21 on youtube. It took a loooong time to watch from the beginning ( I mean it's not finished, almost though) I think if I watched only this show non stop it could take a shorter time.

My goal right now is to rid myself of the things that stress me. I have recently been thinking of it like being stuck in quicksand. Being there telling myself I am not where I am (what I'm feeling)   only hurt me. I learned to be ok while I'm there and not to panic because that makes it worse (I learned to accept this is how I'm feeling). But I will avoid walking in it because not being there makes me happier. Yes, I am stronger for going through it. I didn't know I could get stuck in quicksand and still live to tell the tale. I wasn't aware I was strong like that. 

Here's the thing though

Why would I continue to walk through it when I could go around and be happy from the start.

A good real-life example of this is benefit appointments. I get anxious before, everything that can go wrong will go. I am calm, I do my meditation. Afterwards, it's all fine and it all worked out. If I did face anything I handled it with grace. Then it all restarts. Wouldn't it be great if I didn't have to go through that?

Al dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.