Morning pages #198

I slept at 5 something even though I had an appointment at 10 am.  Woke up at 10:13 am I checked but no one called me. After seeing 11:11 I decided to write a morning page. I went to the kitchen and made myself a hot drink. 

11:28 am a cup of hot chocolate (without milk but whatever) Koala man on Disney+ I fell asleep to it last night. So I have to restart some episodes.

Storytime: A good example of why I should listen to my gut and why it's always right.

I was sent a letter warning me about a sanction. I'm not gonna lie I was mad (still am, to be honest). No email, no text just straight to the red letter. It's like if you are an hour late on your rent and in the next hour, your landlord throws your stuff out, zero to sixty. My work coach maintained (I sent him an email because I'm all about sticking up for myself from this day forward) 

He maintained that it wasn't a threat and you know for a second I thought I was overreacting

Tea check: still too hot.

{Oh my God, that's what gaslighting is. That's how I know I've healed/ I am healing.}

So I looked up that word.

Sanction, any time I hear that word I think of the threat. This is what it says in the dictionary

A threatened penalty for disobeying a law or rule.

Say it again for the people in the back.

Esther don't ever doubt yourself...ever

I'm manifesting my dream life. I'm not wishing, I'm not hoping. I'm alive so it will happen, ok

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #197 manifesting

 Awoke at 8:45 and went to the toilet. Next, I went to the kitchen and washed all the plates in the sink. I was going to eat something but decided against it.

09:38 am a cup of hot chocolate in front of me. American dad season 18 on Disney+. Trying to start writing these regularly again.

Right now I am thinking about that Youtube video I watched talking about how animation Is hard and you don't know how much til you try it yourself.

I'm feeling relaxed, I put some clothes (including my duvets) on to wash in the washing machine. Then I'll get started in my morning affirmations

Drink check: drinkable.

Thinking: did I write this in yesterday's morning page? Should I write it again? 

I have an affirmation which points to where I am in my life right now.

'I'm letting go of the things I can't control.

I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I'm not late

I'm not running out of time.

Just here right now exactly.'

Then a love affirmation.

'May the things that are blocking you be lifted.

May the things that are blocking me be lifted.

So that we can start our lives together,'

Then I have 365 days of motivational quotes jar. 

Oh, it's not really an affirmation or is it? I think not but in one part it is.

Then I got that affirmation filler on Tiktok. All these are posted on Tiktok btw.

Lastly, I am doing that Lucky girl syndrome going around on Tiktok.

The idea with all these affirmations is to change my mindset from my first thought being a negative one to a positive one. 

I am manifesting my dream life. No more hope and prayer, I am alive so it will happen.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #196 I ain’t playing (crush)

Woke 11:17 am and then I went to the toilet. Replaced the almost finished toilet paper (‘cough’ pet peeve) I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea.

11:40 a cup of dark Carmel tea in front of me. YouTube watch list on my Chrome laptop. I have an appointment at 2:15 today. I feel a little anxious about it. My way to deal with it is to focus on the fact it is temporary. Like my appointment is 2:15, so I focus on the knowledge that 5pm the appointment will be over, and I will be back in my room on my bed.

 

Tea check: Too hot.

 

I’m not playing this year, manifesting, manifesting, manifesting. I’m no longer telling myself I’m getting ever single one of those things I want and more.

 

[1] UC out of my life

      Though I am grateful for what it gave me (mainly money). I know that if it were not there I would struggle. Saying that UC is the main reason for my stress.

 

[2] My love life

      to be in a relationship. To be in a relationship with the guy I have been in love with since 2006. Despite the fact that I still remember the first time we met and was crushing since that moment. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I have always been reluctant to call it love because I had known him less than a month when the word love came into my head. I told my self

‘No you don’t.’

 

Because of reasons. Here’s something I’ve never told anyone less than a month before I met him. God told me you will met the man you are going to marry this year.

 

I am manifesting my dream life. No more hope and pray. It’s I’m alive so it will happen.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #195 #Newyearnewme

Woke 11:15 and went to the toilet (number one, not that anyone asked) Went to the kitchen, made a cup of Assam (I think that’s right) tea. Mum asked me to make her one too.

11:50, random song ‘Tatu, all the things you say,’ in my head. Spotify on my laptop.

Right now, I am thinking about all the TikTok’s I am going to post today. There’s about 4, I think. The photo a day, the doodle/sketch a day and new year’s resolution.

Oh, and an affirmation, which I haven’t written yet. That photo a day was…well I lost my interest halfway through the year. And I don’t mind admitting I didn’t take one every day. I found a second=d everyday app so I will doing that. As well/ instead I haven’t decided yet. If I do it as well, I’m going to make myself take a picture every day (for the phot a day unless that wasn’t clear).

This year is going to be my happiest yet. Last year I was the most authentic me that I ever had in any year. Things changes for me once I realised, I had more power than I realised.

A Ross Geller, friends quote just popped into my head.

Less UC appointments

Changing my status to ‘in a relationship,’

Are just some of the things I’m manifesting.

This year I’m going to be happy, I’m going to make myself happy.

16 minutes, see you when I see you.