Morning page #214

 Woke up at 6:13 am went to sleep at 8 am and woke again at 9:13 am. The universe made it impossible for me to go to my appointment today at 9:45 am. So I thought I might as well (Grammarly doesn't like it when I write that word, but it's not making it right it's about my authentic self I write how I speak let it go)

10:41 am cup of strawberry and peppermint tea in front of me. Of which I totally forgot I had. COCOmelon on the big TV, my niece loves it.

Something amazing is happening to me this year. I finally get it the affirmation 

'The universe is protecting me is no joke,'

This started with me looking into my subconscious mind (I had to look that up, I want to get it right) I changed my thinking, instead of wishing and praying the thing I don't want doesn't happen. I think about the thing I want to happen. And boy does it work. So happiness and peace, a loving relationship, loads and loads of travel, and eventually a big family.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

14 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #213

Woke t 10:50 am from a dream about staying in a hotel room and watching how to get better sleep on Youtube. I think the universe is trying to tell me to get some rest. I went to the kitchen and thought I might as well wash the plates as well after deciding to make a cup of tea. 

11:53 am cup of black tea called Afternoon tea in front of me. Youtube on my laptop. currently watching @stevieioe

I have an appointment today at 1:30. You would think phone appointments are better, less stressful but these people have been taking the piss. When it comes to waiting time. That on top of the fact I've been having trouble with work coaches being able to hear me. I have to remind myself that I don't really have that problem with anyone else so to blame my end would be ridiculous. What I want/need is for appointments to explain myself. To be cut out of my life. I also have one tomorrow which I desperately want to cancel, yes cancel not rescheduled (you heard what I said above) but I don't think I can because I rescheduled too many. Please God remove this from my life yesterday. 

All dreams are possible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

19 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #212

 11:21 am I washed the plate. Made a cup of tea or am making a cup of tea I should say. 

I am not in a rush anymore a good example is the way I make tea leaving it to brew for 5+ minutes in the past I would wait a second if that.

I am shifting my focus away from the people pleaser I have been in the past. If this is not more present for enjoyment for me I try my best not to do it. I'm still living in temporary right now so I have crumbs of things I have no choice with. But soon these will be swept away up. I'm looking forward to that day. The moment I decided to it was when I was feeling frustrated about giving and not getting the same level back. I decided to put myself first. I'm living in pure happiness. Except for the crumbs I mentioned before. I am in that right now feeling frustrated so I feel like my world is about to change. I feel it in my bones.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my dreams stronger. 

24 minutes see you when I see you

Morning page #211

 I woke (when I'm typing this it always changes it to up, woke up sometimes I listen, sometimes I egnore it. I said what I said I know it's a gramma thing but gramma is not the point. I write like how I speak) at 11:19 am (and this too, let it go grammarly. I could not write on grammarly {I could change that sentence, I'll resis} but I like having the right spelling of things)

Went to the toilet and then went to the kitchen. 

 11:46 am, Chai spice in front of me. It's ok, nothing is as good as Masala in my opinion. Was Family Guy, I slept to that. It's nothing at the moment because I was doing my affirmations and will continue after this.

The post came with some packages. For a second there I thought someone had sent me a gift, and then I remembered Tiktok. There are some good finds on there.

Tea check: drinkable

I brought two keyrings that say forever on them one with my initial and the other with my crushes. Well, not a crush anymore (10+ years) but let's just go with that word. I was thinking would I give him his or my initial? It just now came to me, mine duh, because it says forever. 

I am worried about my appointment on the 11th which is a phone appointment with Restart. Pointless, there I said it. Universal credit phone appointments are different because it's not as well it's instead od. Phone appointments at UC mean I don't have to go to the Jobcentre. Both still turn up at least 30 minutes late. At this point, you got to wonder if they are doing it on purpose. At least UC isn't a no-show without explanation. I need work-based benefits out of my life but I also need the safety net.

Today Esther doesn't see it changing unless God literary takes his hand and pulls me out. It's just more of the same.

Worry about the appointment, walk through anxiety, the appointment is fine, and do it all again. I'm hanging on to my future self who is saying temporary and everything you wanted.

All dreams are impossible before it becomes possible.

The doubts just make my walls stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #210 better, I believe it

 Woke up...9: 48 I'm going to say, my phone was off and my laptop and the iPad were charging, well the iPad was.

10:15 am, went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I mixed Twinings Rooibos and honey and Twinings Raspberry and Lemon (that's my favourite) and peppermint tea. I was thinking of Moringa, but the version I brought is not the best. I think I'll just go back to the old one. Family Guy on Disney+, Road to the north pole, (a favourite episode of mine). I love the ones where you see Stewie and Brian. Or the ones where they travel in time or the ones where they sing. So basically all most of them.

I am so tired, I mean mentally (through physically too)

Tea check: Still too hot.

After watching a future spouse letter tarot reading. The gist was 

'Baby, rest you deserve it,'

Yes, anxiety and fear, I'm not working to live I'm fighting. There is always something. If I'm not thinking 'Am I wrong?' I'm thinking 'What more can I be doing?', I am in survival mode. Was it a mistake to say no to that course because it didn't sit right with my spirit? Because It's not something I see myself needing in my future. Plus I've done too many to mention of these courses, I still remember them, also I haven't used them. I'm frustrated but I don't have a give-up nature (I don't think that's the right word, but hey) in me. I've also had this 

'I am destined for better,' chip imprinted in my brain since birth, It has never wavered. 

When it comes to love my non-existent love life. I know there's a change coming. It's gonna happen pretty fast. I'll see the person I saw the previous month and she'll say 

"I didn't even know you were seeing anyone,'

and I'll say "Yea, I'm married now actually,"

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #209 Less anxiety more clarity

 I remembered some dreams today. I put on my to-do list that I was going to write one today.

I managed to bake some cookies because I made cookie dough a few days ago. The time was before 12 so I thought why not.

11:45, a cup of chai spice tea in the new mug (it's pretty big ) I brought off TikTok. TikTok shopping has become a regular thing. I think I will have one in the future, I've just decided now (well last month). 

What will I sell you ask?

That's neither here nor there but I'm not positive I will sell sweets/ baked goods.

I had a positive appointment with restart yesterday. I really feel positive about where my life is going.

I'm focusing more on listening to what I need (I think I wrote this in the last one but, oh well) mind, body and soul.

Mind = feelings, boy feeling like I need to explain them is a big issue for me. I was under the impression that I had to get better at that. But no I just had to remove it.

Body = been sleeping a lot lately. I'm in hibernation at least it feels like that. If I was tired in the afternoon I would tell myself no not right now, I'm sure there are a million things I could be doing. Now I just sleep. I feel so much better after. Less anxiety more clarity.

Soul = This word always makes me smile. It's deeper than just feelings, it's cravings. When I want to turn it in another direction it always pulls me back to this. Needs wants my soul sees it all. I enjoy listening to it more than everything. That's where I see my authentic future self.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. All doubts just make my walls stronger. 27 minutes, see you when I see you.