Morning Pages #5 Crush

It’s a little earlier today (6:35am), but I’m a little less tired. cup of tea, the tea that comes with the Graze box (their snacks are delicious).
The song Mama by the Spice Girls is in my head.
You used to be my only enemy, but never like to me be true,’
Pretty sure those are the wrong lyrics, another song I know all the words to, or at least I thought. The makings of a sore throat is brewing, luckily I brought a bunch of throat sweets last week. I hate getting a sore throat, the worst thing is I never know how I get it so it’s hard to stop it happening.
Decided to go with a Whitney Houston mix. The first song is ‘I will always love you,’ appropriate since I’ve been thinking about my crush lately. I’ve never said this out loud, I’ve never even told him, I can’t tell him, actually.
Voice in my head is saying ‘No Esther, stop,’ but I’ve started so I’ll finish.
I’ve had a crush on a guy for a long time. We met briefly and then it was over, I don’t even know we are friends because we haven’t seen each other in years, at a guess I would say yes, I still consider him my friend, I consider people I’ve known for 20 years my friends even though I haven’t seen or spoken to them in that time, not even on Facebook.
This situation has taught me a lot, what it’s like to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back (Ooh that’s a big thing to admit)
How can I know he doesn’t feel the same way if I never told him how I feel, I know trust me, think about the one thing that can make me know that he doesn’t feel the same way, that.
It’s taught me that the reason this person doesn’t share my feelings is not always about you, it is what it is. That’s what I told myself, what I tell myself every time I think of him I haven’t told anyone that, not even my best friend though I suspect she knows already, I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I think even he knows. If that is the case, I want to say thank you to him for not telling me, he doesn’t feel the same way or worse I don’t like you that way, that would have been cruel and I would have seen you differently.

I used to sing this next song ‘Greatest love of all’ in my secondary school choir. I wasn’t that familiar with the words before that, but I had heard it.

34 minutes today. I’m not ready to say this is my morning routine yet, even though technically it is…until tomorrow.