11:21 a.m, another day another season of hustle.
No nothing because my mum is doing the live broadcast and I
don't want to disturb her right now. I'm sitting on the second bed the one that isn't my own to stop the demon (aka my grandma) from going into the living
room. The reason I call her that (not to her face mind you) is because that's what
she has become to me, that's how she behaves. It's not the fact that she doesn't
shut up, even if she isn't talking there is still sound coming out of her mouth. She makes an mmm mmm sound that is like a foghorn. Zero common sense,
zero sympathies. I think the one reason I hate her it's because she doesn't use
her brain. I know that just as much as I know I'm in love and have been for 5
years (pretty sure that the guy could work out who he is if he read that)
Between you and me I don't think it's always because she can't. I know it sometimes is she's 99 just like her forgetting where the
bathroom is occasionally or not being able to decide whether to go to the living room or to
lie down in bed. The demon is the smartest person I know, but she's also a
nuisance and a pain. You know I pick out the things I think she does on purpose,
but what I don't know for sure. No one is there to tell me it's because of the
age or she can't help it all I have is my gut. I am a see the good in it type
of girl. She is the reason I spend my spear time doing brain teaser games and
Candy Crush games because I don't want to turn out like her. Everyone around me
talks about its old age so I'm doing everything I can right now to stop that
happening to me. It would be my worst fear so much so that if I end up like her
I would want someone to kill me.
Wow, that's deep, It was my
only one rule when I why I started this morning pages. I edit, I edit a bit
(using Grammarly) I am a perfectionist after all. It doesn't stop me being 100%
honest in these morning pages the fact that I actually post them. I think
that maybe the reason the person who made morning pages (or at least wrote a book
about it recently) made that rule is because you'd be free to say what you like no
filter, along with other reasons, creativity etc etc.
My grandma came to this country when I was 7 or 8 and from
what I know now it's the worst thing that happened to me, good for her, but for
me not so much. The only way I can describe her is poison. Not gonna lie I
blame my mum for bringing her here because she didn't think of the whole
family. Just like I blame her for not listening to my nursery teachers who
said I should be tested, but that's a story for another day. What I want to
know, is this how she has always been. The reason I don't ask my mum is the
same reason I don't ask a job I didn't get for feedback; I don't want to know
(or at least I'm scared to know) the answer. I'm hoping that she was not like
this when my mum was growing up. My Grandma has had an eventful life, none of
which excuses behaviour. She's the reason why one of my mottos (not sure that
is the right word) is I don't care what you've been through the way you treat
people is a choice (life rules perhaps) still doesn't sound right. That's going
to be on my mind now.
Ps: I chickened out and change the year, so 5 years it's not
the correct number it could be more it could be less, you will never know.
1/5 minutes, see you when I see you.
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