Morning pages #104

8:48 am cup of tea in front of me. Watching YouTube watch list (Carrie Hope Fletcher and Oliver Ormson Boob back rub…?)

The thing I want people to know about me is I will never do anything without thinking about it first (and again, and one more time for good measure). So whatever I do and say is for a reason no matter what. It really, really bothers me when people look at me like

‘You know there is another (simpler) way you can do that,’

Yes, I do, but this way works for me.

I am a sensitive person; I’ve known this since I was six. I’m just sick of apologizing for it. I’m the type of person who whatever is said to me or done to me hits my heart, the good and the bad. In the past I have thought of that as well as being awkward, even being shy and quiet were negative traits. What I now know is these are things that that are part of me just like the colour of my skin. There have been moments in my life that have made living it easier. Like when I found out that going through depression was a shared experience or when I found out what depression was. The day I found out I wasn’t alone also the same time I got a better understanding of shyness and confidence. Because up to that point I had only my experience with shyness, which is all day every day. I never knew that some people are shy or lack confidence in a certain situation and confident in others. In a way, I  feel like my shyness was the worst because at least if you lack confidence when you’re addressing a group of people verse just hanging out you can avoid those situations. Not forever because it’s always good to leave your comfort zone. I recently had a revelation that has also made me live my life better. I had a deep conversation (that person knows who they are) the gist of it was here are my experiences and therefore here’s how I think you should handle it. It’s been a few days and I’ve had a revelation about the situation. That it’s different people same situation, it’s not necessarily going to be the same reaction. I need to respect that and I hope that given time not that they will see my side but that you respect the reason behind my actions even if you disagree. I, in turn, will from this moment stop putting everyone else's feelings above my own.

 1 hour 14 minutes, see you when I see you.