Morning page #134

 Woke at 10:41 am and decided to write a morning page.

Should I make myself tea or just write it without?

I was tired, the heavy to move tired. Which leads to can’t be bothered. While in the kitchen I decided to change my usual tea and make myself a hot chocolate latte. No milk in the house though.

Google search: What to do when there is no more milk in the house.

The hot chocolate was finished so I used the container for my dreams jar.

11:17 am, Lie to me on Disney+. That hot chocolate latte is not terrible without milk. I was hungry so I made cut some fruit.

Craving some crunch, like crisps.

I’m trying to put a positive spin on my anxiety. This moment in the past was always full of worry. Like I said before everything that could go wrong would go wrong. A week before, now a day. It’s like a cycle my work coach will tell me what I am not doing. This time it was that I am not job searching enough or in the right way. I don’t disagree (apart from the right way bit) then I’d worry I would be…it seems weird, I guess…

(I don’t want to say stupid because I’m trying to eliminate that from my vocabulary)

Crazy (crazy might be a better word) to say this because I’m turning 38 in a few weeks…told off

My positive

I am one step closer to not having this in my life. Even though it’s been in my life a very very long time it will soon be over. I can only do what I can do nothing more nothing less. I have got to focus on the reason no matter what. I shall not, I will not overanalyze like I own a time machine.

Damn it I need to wee.

I decided to take my plate and cup into the kitchen and wash them. While there I saw my mum making food, I will enjoy that later. 

After this, I’m going to journal.

55 minutes, see you when I see you.

                                                                                                                                                            

Morning page #133 healing

 11:04 am go to the toilet. My morning routine consists of a cup of tea and then washing the plates in the sink.

Should I wash the plates before or after I write this?

11:28 am sink empty, just realised today is my wash day, teeth, hair, face, bath (though I do teeth and bath on other days too)

Should I now or after?

11:52 am I am back clean and refreshed.

Should I put lotion or just leave it?

Should I leave this morning’s page at that, rip it out and not post it because it’s nearly 12?

12:09 pm a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I usually don’t write one after 12 but I’m making an exception because I had a busy…well hour really.

I had a love song in my head, and I was going to write guess why. Now that song has gone from my head.

Today’s morning page is titled

how I healed

number one for me is acceptance. I may not have written this on these pages (I think I did but I won’t be checking) I am an everything happens for a reason girl at heart. Even when I don’t know the reason just knowing there is one is enough. There are so many things that I know were put there for my survival. Things that didn’t let me subcome to the sadness let the sadness keep me down Music, tv, random songs in my head. At first, I was doing it because it was fun. I believe God showed them to me as signs. Anyway, acceptance…I right now am going through a spiritual awakening. Started in 2019 when I decided to feel my feels and not tell myself to I don’t feel what I clearly do because if the evidence doesn’t fit. I think I’m, not the only one but if there’s a room of 9 other people who all think the same way it takes a lot of courage to say

‘uh..actually…,’

And I think most of us will sit down and fall into line. The fact is those 9 people thinking differently don’t change what you feel. Feel my feels, guess what it started with.

Mt acceptance of the feelings I have for the guy I've known for nearly 20 years, still there, still stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.

Moring page #132

 11: 52 am a cup of detox tea in front of me, lie to me on my mac.

Most of the time I wake up having missed a few episodes and I debate whether to go back and watch them. I figure I have watched them, even though I did not see them, also I cannot be bothered.

I found a way to find shows to watch on Disney+. Look under suggested of the show just watched. After that, I will search procedural.

Now that my life is in another stage the spiritual awakening. I see my life from another angle. My life is based on a reason,’ If I see something that does not make sense, I do not correct it. An unfinished plate on the counter. Because I know there is a reason. That unfinished plate, someone may be coming back to and throwing it away, cleaning the plate. That ruined the person’s food day. I am always working off ‘there is always something I don’t know,’ and that is covered in the reason.

I am hungry, thinking about getting something to eat after this

47 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #131 thinking of…crush

 11:07 am but still tired, how is that possible (might be because my alarm went off) I’m about to make myself some tea (probably some peppermint)

Oh my God, my dream is coming back…now it’s gone.

…tea because my throat is tickling. I feel the bruing (well that’s wrong) brewing of a sore throat.

I just remembered my dream …and now it’s gone.

 11:28 am a cup of peppermint tea in front of me, The daily show on my mac. I only watch that show on YouTube. Still need to journal, sketch and doodle- a -day.

Just remembered my dream…I need to write that down.

My work coach forgot to set up the next appointment for 10 days and I didn’t know what was going on. Talking to people is not an option. I don’t mean like it’s difficult because yea that too. I mean like that option is nowhere on my list. Because it’s risky, it comes with regret every time (ok, maybe not every time) Either the answer is obvious (like when I asked my mum why it’s called the blue) and I feel like an idiot sending me backwards or I have reminded them of something they forgot. Not gonna lie I am feeling a little impatient (just a touch) about the things that need to be gone from my life one thing in particular 

🠝🠝🠝‘cough, cough,’🠉🠉🠉

Thinking of doing a mind map every month, until I get sick of it. It helps me to get my feelings, not in my head. I did one for May and I did one for July.

I wonder what the one is doing right now. Is he asleep? Is he at work? Is he in someone else arms? These are the questions on a loop in my mind every day.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

I didn’t even touch my tea, still hot.

Morning page #130 It's early.

Woke up and I needed to wee, saw that it was almost five. I thought I might as well write a morning page.

Right now, at 4:59 am deciding if I should make some tea first. Currently watching tarot card readings on YouTube.

 5:08 am, a cup of peppermint tea (Tetley's peppermint tea to be exact)

Feelings/ thinking: I started thinking about money before I went to the kitchen. How I have always found it hard to save money. And how I've changed the way I think about that including accepting that. If I want something and I can afford it I'll buy it. What am I saving for? God always provides.

Whilst in the kitchen I thought about eating breakfast but decided against it.

I saw the morning page I wrote on A4 paper and decided I need to stick it (using Sellotape) in this notebook. It's funny that watching a tarot card reading about your spirit animals,' gave me an elephant, I have been obsessed with elephants lately. It started when I figured I need a specialist subject better than TV. I chose Elephants because they are big, and most people think they know what they're about. But I think they're very gentle creatures and are also misunderstood. I am now thinking about the one (I'm not even going to write crush and cross it out this time, honestly that ship sailed after year 5). Move on to 'their next move,' reading...social media.

 

16 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #129 Only honesty from now on.

 

8: 03 am a bowl of fruit in front of me. Watch later (YouTube) tarot card reading on Mac. I would have left it at the first in the past but I’m thinking a lot about the reason nowadays.

The reason: fear of judgement. 15-year-old Esther would assume that as a Christian born again Christian I wasn’t allowed to even think about this stuff. Just like I wasn’t allowed to vocalize how I really felt about the LGBTQ+ community. I’m a girl of signs so I must share that I’ve been seeing more and more hearts. Recently, I saw one a few minutes ago when I was making tea.

I think I am going to try to add me for a reason or what lead to here’s…uh, I’m not explaining it well, but you’ll understand when you read the next line.

I woke with a cough and my throat was itching. So, I went to get some tea. Then I saw my mum’s iPad, so I decided to post today’s affirmation.

I’m wondering if I should talk about my affirmations project or leave it for another day (well it won’t take long)

Basically, I’ve been posting an affirmation on my TikTok since January, 21 days at a time.

 

I think I’ll call it for a reason.

At the end of this morning’s page, I’m feeling relaxed and happy. My throat is not itching anymore. The saying in my head after hearing it in a tarot card reading.

‘You are more powerful than you think, and not just with your words…but also that too,’

 

27 minutes, see you when I see you

 

Morning pages #128 For a reason: that lead to that.

 10: 08 am I’m tired but wide awake, having one of those days. Ideas jumped into my head, so I tried to find something to watch. I wish Disney+ had a better organization like (dare I say Netflix). It doesn’t have pre-titles, so every category just gives you all ages. If you don’t know what you're looking for you’ll get lost. Only found ‘Body of proof,’ because I’ve seen an episode before, and I didn’t hate it.

Now on to the fifth episode, yea I think I like this show. Familiar faces on this show why have I not watched it before now (except for that one episode of course)

I am these days focusing on…I don’t know how to put it…look back on what I did vrs making it perfect. My mindset has changed this year alone.

I’m taking the everything happens for a reason quote the way it was meant.

The reason was how I was feeling that lead me to a series not and movie, that lead me to drama, not a thriller. I see a familiar show that led me to click on it. I wasn’t meant to watch the whole series when I saw that episode that one time. Not even when it first aired.

It may seem crazy no, not crazy, obsessive might be a better but not great word. Fact is it’s helped me to not see my life as a failure because I didn’t hit milestones.

Just getting over a sore throat I’ve had many over the years. I come to realize, I thought it this one I think this one was because of hay fever. I don’t get sick during the year so when I get hay fever everything comes at once. Hay fever then cough, then the sore throat.

 

1hr (wow, I got distracted watching Body of proof) 13 minutes, see you when I see you.