Morning pages #114

 11:18 am cup of tea in front of me. History cold case on prime video on the mac. I figure I either must stop the subscription or start using it more. I choose the latter. My opinion (though I’m keeping the subscription) Prime video is still not worth it despite the fact you can Binge some shows/ movies that are not on Netflix. I’ve been binge-watching the mentalist literary haven’t seen that show in years. It’s too many added costs, £1:89 an episode, are you kidding. I also have Adele’s ‘To be loved, definitely my favourite song on the ‘30’ album. 

I was recently thinking about…my process, I guess. 

I started writing something titled ‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’ I might share it in the future, I might not. This list will not be completed today. It might not even be completed next year, that’s my process. This is the reason writing is enough for me and why I know therapy won’t work. 

In the short story If I have a problem that one thing is 3, talking to another makes it 10. I’m not going to go into why that’s a morning page for another day. Being older has taught me what I need and what I need number one is to be able to go at my own pace. Writing does that, I have notebooks of writing where I have titles like that one. But me discovering writing as a tool was a slow process. I didn’t realise how happy I got in Primary school when we had to design and write our own kids book (unfinished but mine was called going to school or something like that) Or when I ignored the positive feelings from being told by an English teacher in my secondary school a poem I had written was in her words ‘really good,’ I didn’t even take my writing seriously when I was coming out of depression in 2006 and God said, ‘just write it down.’ It took years later a year after I decided to write my first book. 2008 at a friends hip-hop week was when I decided yea, I’m going to give this writing thing a try. When I wrote something I liked. Not only that I thought to myself this sounds like it came from someone else. 

There are two reasons I write more than I talk.

One is mental health, I guess the second kind of incorporates the first. I don’t want to turn into a certain someone. This is why I write down memories, Being transparent here it’s one of my worst fears.

41 minutes, see you when I see you