Morning pages #116 I'm changing

10:59am cup of peppermint tea in front of me, Sherlock Holmes the blanched soldier on my apple mac. 

I set myself a goal to read 100 books this year. It might seem a lot, but I think it's doable because I read 83 books last year. I worked it out that if I read 8 a month I could do it. 

That's how I taught myself to handle things like this, break them down into small pieces. I mean 100 is a big number 8 12 times makes it manageable. 

I'm trying not to repeat something I've written before, which is why I had to delete the last one. I must remember to delete it from my USB. 

 

I am noticing a change in myself. it's not really something that would be noticeable to others, though some of it might. I even cut my hair a week ago, but that's not what I'm talking about. Any social interaction...any time another person was in the room. I'd be on high alert, worrying about the high standard I put on myself. My heart would be going 100 miles per hour. Today I was relaxed. Of course, I worried, and I overthought (I don't think that's a word) till the cows came home. It was all fine because everything I said was the truth (ah, speaking in riddles) 

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #115

 10:27am cup of peppermint and strawberry tea in front of me. 

I was watching Wentworth now I’m not (In that I paused it not that I switched it off).

Anyway, I was thinking about the list I mentioned the other day.

‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’

There’s three on my list so far

Number one: Drama, self-explanatory

Number two: High expectations from myself and others.

Number three: To…(how would I put this...) to worry less about the things I can not control. 

Like for example, if I forget to do something it’s not on purpose. Yet I still tell myself I should have remembered, these things are out of my control. It just ruins the day because now that’s all I’m thinking about. 

You know I won’t be able to get rid of it all together because that’s just how my brain works. I might be able to calm it down a little, it’s that strive for perfection thing that is now in me. 

I mean you can’t just erase 30 years even if it is a learnt thing and not something that has always been. I’ve learnt to accept that this is me and I just need better ways to cope with what I’ve been dealt with. Like no matter how much I want this to be a cartoon it’s real life and I won’t ever be able to get rid of my negative voice. I can at least quiet it and calm it down.

19 minutes, see you when I see you.  

Morning pages #114

 11:18 am cup of tea in front of me. History cold case on prime video on the mac. I figure I either must stop the subscription or start using it more. I choose the latter. My opinion (though I’m keeping the subscription) Prime video is still not worth it despite the fact you can Binge some shows/ movies that are not on Netflix. I’ve been binge-watching the mentalist literary haven’t seen that show in years. It’s too many added costs, £1:89 an episode, are you kidding. I also have Adele’s ‘To be loved, definitely my favourite song on the ‘30’ album. 

I was recently thinking about…my process, I guess. 

I started writing something titled ‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’ I might share it in the future, I might not. This list will not be completed today. It might not even be completed next year, that’s my process. This is the reason writing is enough for me and why I know therapy won’t work. 

In the short story If I have a problem that one thing is 3, talking to another makes it 10. I’m not going to go into why that’s a morning page for another day. Being older has taught me what I need and what I need number one is to be able to go at my own pace. Writing does that, I have notebooks of writing where I have titles like that one. But me discovering writing as a tool was a slow process. I didn’t realise how happy I got in Primary school when we had to design and write our own kids book (unfinished but mine was called going to school or something like that) Or when I ignored the positive feelings from being told by an English teacher in my secondary school a poem I had written was in her words ‘really good,’ I didn’t even take my writing seriously when I was coming out of depression in 2006 and God said, ‘just write it down.’ It took years later a year after I decided to write my first book. 2008 at a friends hip-hop week was when I decided yea, I’m going to give this writing thing a try. When I wrote something I liked. Not only that I thought to myself this sounds like it came from someone else. 

There are two reasons I write more than I talk.

One is mental health, I guess the second kind of incorporates the first. I don’t want to turn into a certain someone. This is why I write down memories, Being transparent here it’s one of my worst fears.

41 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #113

11: 20 am, woke to an audiobook on YouTube. Audiobooks make reading much easier. If not I would have to read each page twice and I’d read a book a year (if that).

Bowl of fruit in front of me. It's common for me to have a bowl of fruit for breakfast. 15-year-old Esther would not approve. I’m also listening to my liked songs on Spotify. Currently Santana’s smooth playing.

Man I'm bursting for the loo…ok, pause, 11:30am

Ok, back,…11:46, no I wasn’t doing a number two. I was trying to buy electricity and gas. A few months ago the website changed. I’ve even been using guests to pay because I can’t get into my account, ridiculous. Currently playing Stomp by Steps, ah nostalgia. That’s what most of my liked list is ’90s cheesy (no offence Steps) feel-good music. So now you know my taste in music.

15 minutes, See you when I see you.

Estherology 2021

ESTHEROLOGY 2021 (the last update of this was 2018, let's see what has changed. I predict not much) Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology".

***********FOODOLOGY*************** 

What is your salad dressing of choice? Mayonnaise 

What is your favourite sit-down restaurant? KFC, I'm a girl of simple tastes.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Scrambled eggs, though I'm trying not to eat them every day, it's tough.

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Sausage or any king of meat. Still love pineapple though. What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house? One

What colour cell phone do you have? I have two White and purple (don't ask)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts)

What is the last heavy item you lifted? The TV, the living room has been changed twice since the last I wrote this. It was recently changed back to its original.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No, but I have fainted at least twice.

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, because then my whole life would be focused on that day.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No, I don't like spice. 

************DUMBOLOGY****************** 

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Never

The last person, you talked to? Mum

The last person, you hugged? I can't remember #corona 

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season? Summer

Holiday? Christmas

Day of the week? Saturday

Month? August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone? Just friends I haven't seen in a while and family in Nigeria

Mood? Happy and Relaxed

What are you listening to? Grace for purpose's bedtime prayer

Watching? See above, it's on YouTube.

**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning? The Bathroom

What's the last movie you saw? America: the motion picture. I've been getting really into adult animated comedy. Some anime, but I think most of it is problematic.

Do you smile often? Yes :)

Sleeping Alone Tonight? Yes, unfortunately.

***************OTHER-OLOGY***************** 

Do you always answer your phone? Very rarely, and only if I recognise the number.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Some kind of notification.

If you could change your eye colour what would it be? I wouldn't, I do still think blue is sexy eye colour.

What flavour do you add to your drink at Sonic? Still haven't tried this. I don't think it's a new thing. 

Do you own a digital camera? Yes, but the charger is missing.

Have ever had a pet fish? No.

Favourite Christmas song(s) Last Christmas: Wham (hands down)

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A good time.

Can you do push-ups? That's gonna be a no from me.

Can you do a chin-up? I haven't tried.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? 100% excited.

Do you have any saved texts? Yes, two.

Ever been in a car wreck? No 14) Do you have an accent? Probably a London accent.

What is the last song to make you cry? Sun goes down by Lil Naz X.

Plans tonight? Sleep.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yea, it's happened twice in my life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Nothing, I was in my room.

Have you ever been given roses? I wish.

Current worry? I try to do that less.

Current hate right now? N/A.

Met someone who changed your life? You.

How will you bring in the New Year? Probably lying in bed, that's my prediction.

What song represents you? God in me by Mary Mary.

Name three people who might complete this? No one will be honest.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Nope.

Do you have any tattoos/piercings? Just ears pierced.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? I'm going to gamble on the answer being no :(

Does anyone love you? A few people yes. I will continue to believe that one person is in love with me until I hear otherwise.

Would you be a pirate? er.........no.

What songs do you sing in the shower? Lately, it's been church songs. Possible because my mum wakes at 5am every day to sing to them.

Ever had someone sing to you? No.

When did you last cry? Last week (the reason is none of your business)

Do you like to cuddle? yea.

Have you held hands with anyone today? Nope.

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Myself.

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? pop mainly, top 40 stuff, and a few '60s.

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects? lol, If I had any I wouldn't. I am friends with that one prospect so, yea.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old.

Do you like pulpy orange juice? I like it all.

What is something your friends make fun of you for? My friends don't make fun of me, other people make fun of the volume (or lack of) in my voice.

Morning Pages #112 What's different?

Well, hello old friend, 11:55am, a grave box mug of tea and above inspirational YouTube channel’s Motivational prayer on my mac. It’s been 4 months.

A few things have changed from the last entry. Firstly we have a new family member, my 2-month-old niece Valerie. What a beautiful name, she is a blessing. My mum’s mum died 3 months ago, both these things happened in October just that my niece was born at the end of the month and the death came at the beginning of the month. Which is also the day I got saved 15 years ago. Some may call that a coincidence I like to call it a sign from God. I already decided months ago that there was no chance I was ever going to the funeral. My reason being funerals are a celebration of life and I don’t celebrate her. Really you don’t want me there I hated that woman, The only people that should be there should be the people that loved you. 

I’m exercising more, I registered with a GP in November. I haven’t been registered for years ever since my mum came back and said you know you’re no more registered with your doctor ( I hadn’t been there in a while). My original reason for doing this was to get the ball rolling for getting an autism diagnosis. I originally thought that I didn’t need it, that just knowing was enough. Plus, I was worried if they said, ‘Not autistic,’ what that would mean for me going forward, I was praying to God that if they do say that please give me another option in the same breath. I had a check-up and what came from that is I’m overweight. It’s nothing new to me I mean I have scales in my bathroom, and I weigh myself (not every day) I know my BMI is high. At other times I would have just ignored this a said ‘I don’t look it,’ or ‘I don’t feel fat,’. This time I decide ok. I’m going to take the doctor seriously. I downloaded a few apps to help the weight loss, one calorie counter, one yoga and one exercise app. In fact, when I’m done with this, I’m going to tackle those. 

My sleep has been better I’m getting at least 9 a night nowadays. I don’t think it's just because I decided to note down the hours, I sleep every day. I’ve only been doing this since the 16th of November. 

I’m slowly starting to unlearn the habits (that helped destroy me mentally) I’ve had since I was a child. 

Number one people-pleasing: I promise to be honest with myself, If I’m not at least 85% in it I will say no, that’s been a change for the people asking. I think they think I’m joking, but I have got to stick with my guns because if it’s a choice between you and me I can’t afford to choose anyone but myself. 

Number two the overthinking and overanalysing: Instead of thinking I should have done this or I should have done that. I think this is how it was meant to be today. I would wake up and lie in bed strolling on my phone thinking what should I do first, shower or eat breakfast. Next thing you know hours have passed. Now I just let it happen naturally. I can get up and decide to get some water in the kitchen, then decide to eat breakfast first. Or vice versa use the toilet and decide to shower first. I’m trying to allow myself to enjoy the journey and not worry too much about the things I don’t know today, like what is going to happen in the future. 

50 minutes, I guess I had a lot to say, lol See you when I see you.

A realization of the reason.

Being asked why I was quiet was a regular accurses for me as a youngster, of which my answer was

‘I don’t know.’

Of course, it was, I was 8.

Today my answer to that question has changed, maybe I'm just able, to be honest about the answer. Although I haven’t been asked that question in years. I’ve answered it for no one else but myself.

So random person who asked me that here’s the truth.

I am quiet because I feel safer,

yea that’s the truth. Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this inner monologue of ‘Am I right, Am I wrong?’. As a young kid, I was always afraid of being wrong. For me it wasn’t about being embarrassed it was purely about being wrong but maybe I need to say embarrassed to make you understand.

Being wrong/ embarrassed for a normal person is like ‘Yes, it happened, I wish it didn’t, but I can eventually move on,’

For me, it was the worst that could happen. That’s not the worst like all the people around me pointing and laughing. It’s the ground opening and swallowing me whole. Of course, the sane part of my brain knows that probably won’t happen.

One time I was in one of those many many confidence-building classes I did because I thought my goal was to get rid of my shyness when it was to accept who I am. A teacher asked me

‘Have you ever been outside London?’

I said no, I was too busy thinking this answer should be right or else. That sort of intense thinking makes you forget simple detail, like the fact that I went to Weymouth in primary school Or Paris come to think of it in secondary school (twice). Speaking of, I would never put my hand up even if I was sure I was right.

As a proud Nigerian my parents regularly spoke Yoruba in the house. I can honestly say if one of my teachers asked the question.

‘Name a language spoken in Nigeria?’

I would not have put my hand up.

Being a curious person led me to wonder and try to discover the reason for this feeling, the reason that has taken me 30 years (give or take) to work out and accept is…now before I say this word, I want you to know that every first thought you think I thought it. From the

‘That’s ridiculous,’

to the

‘No, I don’t,’

Imagine you’re doing a 1000-piece puzzle and put the last piece down. Then you realise one piece is missing. ‘Did you accidentally throw it away? ‘Did the shop forget to add it?’ You leave it because it’s not even that noticeable. Years pass and you're moving, you lift the couch and there in the middle is that damn puzzle piece.

‘Oh…it’s the realization of the reason,’

Those first thoughts were what I thought when the word autism first came up. Like I said I went through all the stages. I was told the story of when I was 1 year old (Nursery teachers thought I might have it) after my 30s.

My reaction:

‘Oh, here we go, just because I didn’t talk much you want to label me with autism,’

I left it for years and I mean years until I somehow found myself on the section of the internet that was females diagnosed later in life, I didn’t even know that was an option (thank God for Tiktok) I watched and I watched while I watched I wasn’t thinking, ‘Not applicable,’ I was thinking with every video I watched that, Yes, I have felt all these things, I thought it was a me thing. That was the last but one realisation that led me to the truth. It was the second time I have felt this way the first being when I met people who were struggling just as much as me with their confidence (Get a life throwback) Truth is I only feel safe about sharing who I really am when I know there are people out there like me. I wish it wasn’t the case, I wish I could just be happy with who I am even if I’m the only one, but that’s not how my brain works. I eventually saw my missing piece, once the penny dropped.

You know when you have a near-death experience they say your life flashes before your eyes, granted it wasn’t near death. I had these moments in my life I went back to like when I was asked a question and I gave an answer, and that person came back with a ‘why do you feel that way?’ (In their own words). I had no idea what to say because that’s not how I would have answered in the first place. So why did I say that in the first place, I would guess the way you wanted me to and answer accordingly.

For those whose first thought was ridiculous, no you don't...etc etc,'. You think that because your image of autism is of the autistic kid that is portrayed in TV and movies. While that image is the truth it's not the whole truth, I believe it's also why it was my first thought. I know better today; I know that autism is a spectrum. Meaning there isn't one way to be it. Even for the fact that we have different names for these different autisms Asperger's syndrome, PDA, CDD to name a few. That alone should raise red flags that autism is not the same for every person.

Don’t feel bad that I’m only realizing this now. Don’t even feel sad that you think I’ve got it wrong, and autism is not what I am.

First of all as someone who is me 100%, I can tell you that your feelings are not valid, but you're entitled to them all the same. Secondly, this isn’t something that I landing on and was like ‘well I guess that’ this is something that was put in front of me and ignored.

For the first time in years, I have been able to give myself a break for not being able to do the simplest things like talking to people on the phone or generally just talk to people. I spoke of it as a near-death experience earlier (in this post) that’s what it truly feels like. My life has already begun to change.

Well, that’s my story…so far.

I’ll see you when I see you.