Morning Page #272

 I couldn't sleep because of the gas and electricity. At four something I sent the reminder message, and I received the money in an hour. 

Couldn't sleep because I was thinking of my appointment on the 22nd. I'm frustrated that I have to force myself to people-please. 

I'm feeling pretty stupid for feeling how I feel about my crush. To dream about marriage and kids when my story is single at 65. Been thinking about feeling guilty ever since that question. It feels wrong somehow to fantasize about a dream life that the other person is not on board with or living it with someone else. I would love it if I knew the truth. Maybe I haven't yet because I wasn't ready to hear it. 

11:24 am A cup of sleep and calm twinnings tea in front of me. American Dad episodes on my iPad. 

A new job opportunity came up, It's one I have thought of before yet not seriously. One of my oldest sister suggested it because she wants to do it too. When you hear it you might say

'Really, ooh right, get it, girl,' You also might have figured it out from the clues. I'll keep it to myself till it's a definite yes. 

I'm back to 30-day challenge printouts after a month. I am new to listening to my feelings and listening to my gut. So I still have a little bit left to question myself. occasionally God gives me confirmation. What looks like '

your decision is wrong and you need to change it.'

is actually

'You are right, don't question, don't doubt,'

I need to spend these next few days in peace and happiness. I won't allow universal credit to still my happy. Do not replace it with anxiety and stress.

55 minutes, see you when see you

Morning Page #271

Woke at 4:12 a.m. I had a dream that I won't be mentioning or writing down. It was horrible and not how I would behave in real life. Not a nightmare in the world's sense. 

I am thinking of an art idea, a drawing of my pet peeves. I'm also thinking of my dream life. Being in a relationship and living with zero people pleasing and zero worry about money. Just living my best life. I was recently reminded of some morning pages on Timehop. It motivated me to write some. 

Currently watching American Dad and drinking hot chocolate.

Daydreamed about making a pot of hot chocolate the way I made it today with peanut butter. Then stopping short and asked my best friend. 

Are you allergic to peanuts?

She nods 

Oh my God, I almost killed you. 

Writing this got me thinking about my best friend. In the past, I would say I have a lot of friends but not a best friend and that would be a lie. I thought my feelings were based on another.  Saying she is my best friend and getting your not mine reaction would be heartbreaking. I would feel like an idiot. Because she has other friends and I've known her for 17 years. How egotistical for me to think I am her best one. 

I thought about a question that just popped into my head.

Why don't you hesitate?

Fear of rejection.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #270

I woke at 6:24 then I made a cup of tea.

Should I make it with milk or water, (because it is an option now) I went with water.

Went back to sleep and woke again at 10:51.

11:21 am American Dad episodes on my iPad. I haven't watched that show in months.

At the moment I'm worried about my phone appointment in 39 minutes. I think it's just a formality, but my overthinking brain won't shut off.

update: the appointment was quick. As in in 8 minutes minutes was just quick It was just a formality. To see if I have any savings or capital. I don't honestly know what that means. Money I guess, they really just needed to know if I was entitled to have my rent paid. Who knows I could have gotten rich in the last 3 years. Today has been a relaxing excited for the future day. I had two dreams that I forgot. I think one I went to watch a movie. Daydreaming about being In a relationship. I tell you what it is so refreshing to have removed the filter from my life. I'm still not mentioning any names but the crazy (and it's crazy because I am very single and the last time I looked he wasn't, that was 14 years ago) thinking of I've already met my future hubby. We will one day be living in my dream life of, business partners and parents to 6 maybe more kids. I daydream about him coming to pick me up for breakfast on a Sunday. 

Me: Is it Jacket weather outside?

Him It's pretty hot

Also kissing.

45 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #269

Woke at II: II today from a dream about my future hubby. I think the message was about standing still, and not chasing what I want. Letting god work, I don't need to fight anymore, God will provide.

11: 50 something 24/4/24 What I need is to go within and let go of distractions, like anxiety because of being forced to be in people-pleasing mode. Lack of money. I will trust God. Whilst also listening to what I want first. I refuse to live in negative anything. I won't allow any human to send me back. l won't let any are convince me I am wrong. No to being in a explain or proving situation. No to your wrong opinion of me. You will only see the truth from now on. No to being in a position that doesn't let me grow and brings me peace and happiness only. I ask God right now to take away any human being's power from my life. I rebuke the spirit of rudeness and evil. You think you have the power, you don't. God is always above you make the decisions but you are just a puppet In God's timeline. remove yourself from my path in Jesus' mighty name Amen.

37 Minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #268

Woke at 10:30 ish, maybe 10:58ish. Went to the toilet (number one). Then to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Thought about making a chai. 

11:11 a cup of Glow Twinings and Peppermint tea in front of me. I was watching YouTube later lists but it's stopped playing during the night. I had my JBL headphones in as I slept and they were not in my ear when I woke, had a little panic attack. I found them on the bed, I think I won't do that again. Though I might forget about today.

I think the world has it all wrong. First half of my life was giving people excuses for their behavior. Kid in the playground bullies the weakest. Then we either do nothing or suspend them for a week. I don't care if the kid is going through two divorces. You know exactly what you were doing. The world has over corrected I think. They want to give bully the benefit of the doubt. But you forgot about the other person in this equation. It's the way the news reports mass shootings. They'll say here's what happened, here's who died, here's who did it. Here are the reasons why you should feel sorry for them. Tell me about the victims before you say anything about killer. This is what I have grown up with. I have ignored my own feelings, I told myself to not feel this, I feared being judged, that ends today. Today I want to live in relax and peace. 

Just now I drop something and couldn't find it. I decided to stop searching. Just now as I sat down to write this I looked over and saw it was stuck in my posters on my wardrobe, this is a sign. It's a lesson that had to be learned. God will give you everything you desire, you just need to stop searching. 

58 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #267

Slept to 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. It did stop playing during the night. I'm gonna try do that not have anything on because it makes my sleep better. I went to the kitchen and decided to make a loose leaf tea a reading.

11am, this month is going to be jampacked. Its Escapril 30 day challenge, fill a page a day. 2 days ago I shaved off my hair. I'm going to wait till it grows just before my birthday I'll dye it a crazy but I havent declded the colour yet. My birthday is in 5 months. I perdict my hair will grow a lot in that time. I shaved my hair 25th December 2023 It grew a lot in that time.

Thoughts:GOOD

I want to do an are piece of 

1. All the recurring daydreams. My crush turning up to my house with flowers. That long overdue conversation.

2. Art about kisses from my crush. 

BAD

Something is going on, something is wrong about Universal Credit not setting up an appointment yet. My last one was on the 6th March 

More thoughts

I need to complete days one an two of Escapril. I was thinking I should write down what I talked about in each me without a filter. of which there are 92, 93, after today. Also I am thinking of putting movies on my Instagram account, 

Honestmoviereviews1984

btw Its 92 plus the rest of the Marvel ones. I think I'll start that today. 

Love cats countdown I am in a binge mood these days. I can binge that all day a forget anything else. Like yesterdays movie I watched it at 1am this morning.

more thoughts 

thinks I need to pay for and my bank is empty. I'm trying to go with the flow and not worry. What I kept thinking was 'I could really use 300 pounds right about now,' 

Why 300 you say I eally dont know it's just a number that cane to me. Random, but not random. Maybe its because that's the amount that has been given from the universal credit (extra). God has told me dont do any Job search until  universal credit sets up the next appointment 

32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #266

Woke at a few minutes before 10. Went to the toilet (number 1). Then went to the kitchen to make my tea. 

10.48 am cats does countdown on my laptop, A Cup of Turmeric chai tea front of me.

I got a message from a friend saying would you want to meet up on Saturday. I said sounds good, even though over thinking mainly how am I going to get there, how will I get home. I'm thinking I have no money in my card, but I can ask my mum for money. I can take a cab there. Then I worry about access to internet when I'm m coming home. I can get a bus where there is access to internet. I've also been daydreaming a surprise meetup with my crush. I havent seen this friend since 2018, 6 years and my crush since 2007 almost 17 years. Cant help but think about what if's. Like If we got married how old would our kids be would we still be or together today or would we have broken up. Then I think about his feelings for me. I know nothing, Zitch, Zero about them either way. This causes me to think about my childhood. If you asked me what words I would use to decribe it would say Guesswork. I just assumed because I didn't have talking to people in my tool box. I assume not only does he not fancy me he doesnt like me either bassed on the fact that I havent seen him in 17 years. Really I dont know so why am making It up, that's a waste.

A week turned into a month turned into a year turned into 17 years. 

37 minutes, see you when I see you