Morning page #147 I did my part

 11:29 am cup of Moringa tea in front of me.

A package just came, this reminds me of whenever that happens my mum always asks 

what is it? 

It use to frustrate me because I usually order from amazon, but never one thing so I'd be guessing. Just like when someone knocks and you say

 

Who is it?

Why, am I missing something, I literary know as much as you. I think I get frustrated because I feel like I should know the reason you think that's not a silly question but I don't.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I slept to a deep lucid dream...thing on YouTube (I guess vid) but that's not the word I was thinking about. I didn't have a lucid dream but I did have a great deep, great sleep. 

My morning consists of me waking up and going to the toilet (number 1, not number 2...usually) writing in my sleep diary, where I record my sleep hours  (just to have it really). Well, I did that first and wrote it in my brain book.    see above

Wash the plates, then put on the kettle for tea.

Actually, I was reminded of what I was going to say before the package came.

Moringa has...rewrote (not the word I wanted)

I thought tea had to smell good to be great. The word pihlosophy (don't know how to smell spell that word) came into my head.

Moringa tea literary smells like farts but it's delicious. I guess it's a fennel and nettles thing. Legitime (another word I can't spell) makes me want to be sick.

I guess I should check if my tea has cooled down...still a little hot.

This morning page is titled

I did my part.

Let's start with a story.

When I was 5 years old I was quiet...I'm gonna use the word shy here but it's not something I identify with today. 

I heard the phrase

'Speak up,' 

too many times to mention. I back then would beat myself up about that... 

I guess that's where my need to do better, being too hard on myself started.

Funny enough them saying that didn't make me want to hold my head up high and speak louder. It made me speak lower because I was self-conscious about it. I wasn't doing it on purpose. I can only assume my teachers weren't saying 'speak up,' to be d***s. These two things happened and that was the result. 

Currently, I'm awaiting a phone appointment with the restart scheme. My phone is not charging so that's not available. The only option is the house phone. I at this point can only email them (because of reasons) the new number and hope they get it. 

When I am spiralling into overthinking and thoughts of it's my fault my phone isn't working. I will remind myself I can only do what I can do nothing more nothing less, I am not superhuman'

38 minutes, (ooh a long one today) see you when I see you 

Morning page #146 mandatory

 11:42 am cup of peppermint tea in front of me. Still binging Cats does countdown. 

 I was going to do this before my UC appointment but that choice was taken out of my hand when I woke up at 9: 30 am for a 10 am appointment. It was quick I was back home at 10:30. The appointment took about 10 minutes. 

I am glad that I could say no to something I didn't need. And my work coach didn't give me a 

'Well if you don't have a good enough reason, you have to go,'

The next thing she offered and I say that word loosely. Because she also said it was mandatory. I'm telling you they need to get rid of that word. Despite that, I'm not mad. I think it will be good, a good experience. It's an interview with MacDonald

{1} I haven't been on an interview in months (but probably more like years)

{2} I am optimistic about going.

let life happen and all that. I'm just going to let what is meant to be, be.

I just remember this. I even managed to end it before 12 pm at 11:57.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #145

10:11 am a cup of tea and something tea. It's called something but I can't remember. I will be looking that up...pineapple with ginseng, Twinings Focus.  

8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my  Mac.

I randomly decided to binge-watch it from the beginning. Well, not randomly I was watching the latest episode a day before. Just now reminded myself of an early Morning page, like years (probably a year) ago. Where I was doing the same thing, deja vu anyone?

Right now I'm feeling anxious / can't wait till I don't have to do this anymore about my appointment tomorrow. Also trying not to beat myself up about something I can't control. Speaking in riddles but it's something I didn't realise till right now. 

Today's number puzzle is 111

18 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning page #144 Top 5 strengths

 8: 17 am, Tarot card readings on Youtube. A cup of tea in front of me.

Just finished taking a test about my top five strengths.

(1) Faith 

(2) Curiosite

yes all correct so far

(3) Communication

Hmm, I would have said that was one of my weaknesses at first glance. But I guess it's true just not in-the-talking sense. From a young age knew it was something I struggled with so I tried to find ways to communicate and that speaks volumes.  

(4) Self Motivation  

All day every day mate.

(5) Integrity

I'm gonna have to look that word up, to be honest. 

lol, and that's literally what it means. 

The quality of being honest and having strong principles, oh yea 100%

Thing is...I've moved on to another subject (sort of) about being a people pleaser

btw, I just forgot what I was going to say...man what was I going to say...man what was it...nope it's totally gone...

damn, I wish I could remember. 

Ok, I'm moving on from this now because it's disappeared from my head. I'll remember it at some point.. or I won't. That's another lesson I learnt. As a writer ideas jump in and out of my head. I used to rush to write them down 'cause I didn't want to forget them. Now I'm like I will not do that because I'm comfortable. I will remember the important ones and the ones I don't we're not great anyway.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #143 One day this will be my reality (crush)

 10 am, got woken up because mum wanted me to print some stuff. She's going to be a guest speaker. I am trying to get rid of this in the future. Doing admin stuff for my mother. I just have nightmares bout her taking a cap to my house in the morning with the printer saying.

'Can you help me to print this?'

I can't have that. That and universal credit needs to disappear from my future. I will not be taking them with me. I'm going to make myself a cup of tea. I just need to print these and put them in my mum's hand so I can relax.

I'm not sure if I'm going to continue these or when I will miss a day. Originally I was thinking of Monday to Friday and the weekend was optional.  On the bright side, I had a great sleep. 7 hours long, and I had a dream but I can't remember it now. 

11:01 am  Angel number, signs, we love that. a cup of Dark Chai in front of me, I only have 6 or 7 bags left. As you know I didn't originally love it when I first tasted it.  Family Guy season 6 episode 5: Stewie kills Lois, one of my favourite episodes but then again they all are, so.  I think I'm going to start typing my love letters. I've done journaling so that's out of the way. 

My plan is to give my husband these letters of which there are currently 30. I think I will be older than I think I will when we get married at this point. I've always just seen my feelings and they become a reality. The whole dating, relationship, marriage, and kids with this guy. As in the future. In my head, I was like I am alive so there is a chance. 

18 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #142 Universal Credit out of my life

 Woke at 10: 48 seconds later my mum brought my niece, Valerie, to my room with a toy. That's how she says can you look after her for a while? 

I slept to family guy episodes, in turn, woke to it too. 

currently, season 4 episode 26 is playing.

10:56 am, I am awaiting a phone appointment at 2 pm. I'm anxious about it. I was meant to go to recruitment on the 24th of August (my birthday). I didn't tell my work coach at the time. 

The reason: I did forget for a second is that whole 'must be right or else' thing. I thought I didn't have a choice. Been one way for so long that I forgot I have one. 

I am worried my work coach will be mad. She will have expected me to go. 

I'm worried she'll say 

"why didn't you say it was your birthday,'

and I won't be able to say the above reason. This anxiety before an appointment is the reason I know universal credit can't stay in my life for much longer. I will be much much happier when it's gone.

Right now I'm thinking about the love of my life.

I wonder what my soulmate is doing this second?

Is he asleep?

Is he awake?

How many days till he makes contact?

That's the stage on my journey to a relationship and therefore all my dreams coming true. In the past I would be like, I hope he feels the same way and I wish for him to contact me. Now I'm like, I know he feels the same way. Can't wait for him to contact me 

(11:11 am)

15 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #141 Talking to people is not an option

Woke at 10:08 am and I went to the toilet. Family guy season 2 episode 14 (which I worked out because the next episode to be played is episode 15) on mac, the breakfast club one. So now that ending is in my head

'A bum...a bum...'

Also 

'Don't you forget about me,' song in my head

10:26 am no nothing in front of me because I am tired. Dream but can't remember. I got an email about writing a letter to my future self in a year and it caused me to look at the other future me letters I have written. I couldn't find it, I couldn't remember where I put it. It's looking like I c=accidently threw it away. If it doesn't turn up in the next few days I will assume that's what happened. It's a shame. Every time I look at the love letters (which I've written since 2015) I'm scared of accidentally throwing them away. Making me wonder if I should type it up,  at this point, there are 30. I think between now and this time next year they probably will be on USB. 

When I went to the toilet I saw the chairs from the garden by the door ( of my room). I assume my mum wants me to put it back. Yea what other explanation is there? It would be easier if I just asked her. But talking to people is difficult for me. It's just one of those things I gained. Having to guess because my confidence in asking/ talking to people is shockingly low. It's not just about lack of confidence it's about being wrong. If my mum was to say yea in turn ' state the obvious,' I would feel worse than if I guessed and decided for myself. I'd feel like an idoit idiot and my brain wouldn't let me forget how stupid. Learnt though and I realise now that that was in place to protect me and it was all put there to help me navigate this mess of a world in safety.

20 minutes, see you when I see you