Morning page #240

Woke around 10:20 something (def before 10:30 a.m.). I found a way to add my writing...to type it up faster. To use lens isn't a  new thing but It has never worked for me in the past. Not until I bought a new iPad. 

11:35 ever since watched that (think I've written this before in here) the Tiktok of the girl letting God move the pen for her. I think you call channelling. This is not new I sometimes do this when I write my morning pages. 

God said 

You say you want to be out of Survival mode. And you have made the mistake that In order to do that I would have to take my hands and physically pull you out myself. But it's not the way it’s going to happen. Survival mode is about mindset you are the one. It was always going to be you that pulled yourself out of it. You have the power, you have control. You have been doing It already by letting go of the control 

So i paused this to do admin work for my mum. lost my train of thought I'll just leave it here

All things are possible

34 minutes see you when I see you

Morning page #239

Woke at 9:10 am, emptied my bladder then went to the kitchen.

09:49 am a cup of loose tea leaf in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I woke to the hot house episode. 

A few days ago I questioned myself, as I do. I found myself asking 

'Am I actually autistic or just a high empath,'

I thought for about a second. I was reminded of the thing that cemented it in my head...Masking. When I read the things a high empath has all of them were true for me (every single one) I think people always knew there was something. Like I have said before I was considered shy. That says I struggled with my confidence. I always knew it was more than that. Always had 'Am I wrong, am I right,' on a loop in my head. This led to hesitation and filtering. I was always on alert, robot-like. In fact (this just came to me) there are people that I still do that with, filter myself. Only a few people where I'm truly myself. Where the 'Am I wrong am I right,' is low. In the future, I want to spend more time with those people and less with others.

All dreams are possible. 

I'm ready for the next chapter to begin 

51 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page #238

Awoke at 11.10. The electricity was off so I spent the morning getting it back on. Tea is running out. Hopefully, someone will bless me with money so that I can top it up. Speaking off I was blessed the other day with some in-ear headphones as part of the Curry's review program. I'm still not sure If It's because I have answered (just got a thought I have said this before on here. I don't think so the last one was on the 9th) a few questions about products or if I signed up for something. 

11:30 am a cup of black Loose tea in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I'm going to check if there are any new episodes posted today... yep...while searching found episodes of Hart to Hart. I used to love that show haven't seen it in years though. I think I turned a corner I wasn't as anxious as I have been about my appointment, It's today at 2:10. The second thing essential for my healing/ changed my mindset. Letting go of things I can't control.

All dreams are possible.

 Let the next chapter of my life begin.

45 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page #237 my person

Woke up at 8:50, I'm not sure what time I slept exactly but the sun was coming up. That means I slept a few hours and also slept to some audiobooks. I have no doubt I will complete my book challenge this year. Currently 101 out of 156 49 to go. 

10:10 am Cup of peach and peppermint tea in front of me. Cherished by Brook St James on YouTube. I went back and forth about writing a morning page today. See what happens is I'm excited to write one and then as soon as I've done all I need to do in the morning. When I finally sat down and started writing my enthusiasm had gone down and I'd forgotten what I was going to write.

There are 3 things currently on a loop In my head at all times 

1 Worrying about money 

2. My Person 

3. The future.

Since the last two go hand in hand (because I will not be worrying about money in the future) Let's go with my person. These morning pages are about the truth, so here we go. I've been in love with someone since 2006 that's 17 years (at least) My feelings were tense from the beginning. Despite everything there was growth. I mean what I know when it comes to him, is you can fit on one finger, as in concrete/100%. Honestly, I think my journey was about self-love. and listen to my intuition. I wasted my time trying to talk myself out of this because the evidence didn't match up. From what I knew about love up to that point was from movies and TV. Two people meet they fall in love for some reason They can't be together bam they get together in the end. And all that happens within an hour. Acceptance was key not just about this, in my life. It's the one word I would use to say how I heated.

All dreams are possible I'm ready for the next chapter to start

48 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page 236 5 things you should about me (number 5) #kindness

I woke up at 9:20 a.m. So there will be a morning page today, I've already decided. I spent an hour playing the games I downloaded last night. Mahjong and two brain training games. The first one was saying every answer is wrong...huh?. Then I had a quick shower and went to the kitchen. Not a lot of plates in the sink I Just made a cup of tea. As I turned the kettle on it turned 11:01 

11:11 am a cup of Twinings Calm tea ( sliced camomile and Vanilla). I wasn't sure what the last thing was going to be. I'm all about letting the universe decide these days. So when I started thinking about the fact that we as humans have 2 reactions to someone saying something in the heat of the moment, the answer was clear. For the first half of my life, I thought everyone was like me. I didn't understand why the second person in the argument reacted by saying something worse than what was said to them. Why would you say that I know you wouldn't/didn't like that said to you. I didn't realise that person two doesn't see things that way. Brains are just wired differently.

Tea check: drinkable

Not knowing that I was unique caused me to be too hard on myself. I always air on the side kindness No matter what. I could not/will not say anything I wouldn't want to be said to me. For most people 'do on to others' is a nice quote to put on a pillow. For me, It's like an imprinted chap that's been there since birth.

All dreams are possible.

I'm ready for the next stage to begin. 

42 minutes see you When I see you

Morning Page 235 5 things you should about me (number 3) #inpatiences

Woke to a package of 2 multipacks of Walkers, which makes 4. God said surprises this month. I went to the kitchen. No plates in the sink. I was washing my cup but stopped because someone was in the bathroom. I don't want to be screamed at (because of the hot water you know) I don't even know if anyone is taking a shower in there. The first time went to the Kitchen It was 11:11.

11:32 am a cup of Peach tea in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I have s playlists but those videos will be removed by YouTube, soon in my experience. 

I don't think much about what I am going to write before I write it. I'm not even trying to pick things that a lot of people know about me. I let the universe decide. Which one will be number 3? 

I have been thinking a lot about this yesterday.

Tea check: Still hot

My patience hasn't been there since birth. Life beat it into me. In fact, the thing I realised last night was I am just as Impatient as the next person. I just do my impatientness inwardly. I go for an Interview and the receptionist says

'she's just finishing up she'll be about 5 minutes

I guarantee you l will still be sitting there 2 even 3 hours later.

Tea Check: drinkable

Oh, as soon as I sit down I'll think..

'Pretty sure she said 5 minutes,' 

'Did she say 5 minutes?'

'Maybe I should go over and remind her!'

'She has probably forgotten about me!'

And it's only been 5 seconds. In this case, I'm saying overthinking means Impatience. A question just jumped in my head.

'Does Impatience mean overthinking?'

I would say generally no, but patience leads to overthinking, I hate to wait. It allows my anxiety to fester.

All dreams are possible.

Survival mode is done 

I am ready for the next stage to begin.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 234 5 things you should about me (number 4) #Myprocess

I had 2 dreams that remembered some details about. 

Oh, I just remembered another.

it had Amanda and Dr Slone from Diagnosis Murder in it. yes, some dreams are because I watch too much TV.

10:10 am diagnosis murder on the laptop,  A cup of Peppermint and peach tea in front of me. Dangerous since I have an appointment with the Jobcentre in like an hour. There are no toilets in the Jobcentre which makes (at least public) zero sense.

Today is about my Process, It's inward. This is why despite the evidence against it, like other positive stories. I know therapy will not work for me. You may say...

'You won't know unless you try,'

but that's the mistake I have made in the past. I was listening to outward sources. fact is talking to people is difficult for me. it's like a chore. I'm more likely to say things (through guesses) that my therapist wants to hear.

Tea check: drinkable 

As you know from previous morning pages I have been a people pleaser. I have ignored my true feelings. How I process it is I have something I am worrying about, I went to the kitchen and now my happy mood Is low. I will sit in silence. I will meditate. I will realise I am overthinking again In 30 minutes my worry is less and I am back to happy. Outwardly would cause me to stay in it for longer. Now not only am I worrying about this thing I am worrying about. I'm also worrying about your feelings.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.

All dreams are possible.

It all works out for me in the end and I love it.

I am ready for a new chapter.