Morning page #127 Tarot card reading

 7:25am a cup of Moringa tea (btw I've had it so much I can now spell it without looking at the name) currently I'm watching youtube. Tarot card reading to be exact. I'm writing this on A4 paper (which was the original idea) because I just realised I have no more pages in my notebook, I've ordered more though.

Tarot reading has given me a lot and I've not even been watching them for 3 months yet. 

{1} it has lessened my anxiety just before a UC appointment (like today at 2:30) 

It all started I think with me finding the trick' look at the best case scenario,' the advice was to write it down. thought I would need to write it down but it's easy now just to think about it. 

{2} It has made me positive about my love life. No, nothing has changed but I'm more positive about the future and real positive and not just a fake it till you make it positive. See way back when I was feeling stuff that turned into love. I didn't say that to him in words and that was my choice. because I wasn't more than 50% sure he felt the same way and I wasn't willing to risk it. And for that, I can't have a regret.

My UC appointment is actually a restart scheme appointment. Before tarot card reading came into my life I would worry a week before that everything that could go wrong would go wrong. Didn't do that this time, I mean I did a day before but I'll take my wins. I have the saying 'in and out,' in my head so I can focus not on the actual appointment but on getting there and getting home. in the back of my mind I am thinking about being put on a course I don't need and having to explain to my work coach why because all I have is I don't want it. Also thinking about being told off (yea that doesn't go away) for something I didn't do, like searching for work. 

I'll probably write this up when I get back from my appointment so I'll update you on how it went

Update: I wasn't late, that's number 1. It wasn't smooth, but I am proud of myself for standing my ground. Though I am worried this isn't over (riddles) They may try to convince me to do this...let's just say course I don't need.

PS: Not a fan of the A4 size, I'll keep my A6 notebook.

24 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #126 let life happen

8:37 AM, a couple Moringa tea in front of me. Honestly, It smells like farts but it tastes...not like farts. 

The second time I was woken up by what sounded like a bang. I'm 95% sure it was just my niece playing with her toys. 

I am currently happy, so I decided to write a morning page. 

'Bless the harts,' on Disney+. 

I'm happy because I had a successful lucid dream (and I just now remember the second dream I had (not lucid) so I am pausing this to write that down) That dream was about a postman coming to collect my art competition entry and he waited patiently in his car while I photocopied it. Post people, patience those two words don’t go together.

My life is in a let life happen stage, I am focusing on signs and listening to my intuition and not trying to control things too much. A couple of days ago my GP appointment just disappeared after I called a day before to confirm it. How can you with a straight face say there is no record.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #125 No filter (he likes me too) crush

 6:57am, No nothing just Family Guy on my apple mac.

I think I am going to write half now and half of this after my UC appointment (I hate it when they give me a morning appointment). I woke at 6: 17 today, I've been recording my sleep, for no other reason but to have the information (and potentially better sleep) Which is why I know that useless information.

I think it's funny when you look back on something and realise it was deeper than that.

Like chewing gum, I was thinking it was just about a bad breath crutch, but it was distracting me from my never switch off mind.

Originally morning pages were going to be something for me to post on this sight sigt website (wow I've forgotten how to spell that word, damn it, I meant blog...wow)

Thought it helped me to remove the filter I developed because I care too much about what people think of me. Accepting that was a big turning point for me. (I'm thinking I might not continue this after my UC appointment, I'm not sure. You'll find out when you read this) I don't tell myself not to anymore. My intuition is strong and always has been. My hesitation/ filter I allowed people to tell me I was wrong.

Ok here is what my life is no filter.

No1: UC (Universal Credit in case you're wondering) needs to be gone from my life and I'm more working on getting it out of my life than getting a job, that's the truth.

No2: I am an introvert that's not really a surprise, but I prefer being alone to being with people. If you see me know that I'm worried about something. I may smile and laugh but alternately I'm stressing about what I need to do next. If you see two people one person hanging with people, the other spending time alone and sleeping a lot. You might make the mistake that the second person is going through depression but it's the opposite for me.

No3: I've been obsessing over watching Tarot card reading videos on YouTube. You may as a Christian say

'Ooh that's not good those things are from the devil,'

just like meditating. What it has done for though has fuelled my hope. I for the first time have let myself believe that my crush the love of my life/ future hubby feels the same way (16 years)

 

33 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #124 I might not post this no: 2 (crush)

 6:56 AM Plate of Jollof rice in front of me. I'm eating it because my stomach is a little uncomfortable and the jollof rice is a little peppery. Although it was better before I took a bite, so there’s that.

 

I've got myself a bit of a routine this year. Write in my ‘start the day with gratitude,’ book. Then prayer map for women (but not every day). then my diary which says, ‘live your dream,’. Then my ‘one line a day,’ Diary. Then my question-and-answer journal. I also started doing 21 days a time affirmations/ love affirmations. I originally was doing it to have something to post on TikTok. it's now in the 5th month of doing it…(it's so annoying when you're thinking about a word but can't remember it like someone just reached in and removed it from your head)... it served as a tool to change my mindset (served doesn't sound right, I'm using it anyway). It's stuff like ‘the partner I seek is also seeking me,’ That's my favourite. I use it in the way it's meant. I don't think I will meet my future hubby tomorrow… scratch that and let's be honest here because that's the point of these. My crush person I'm in love with we will call me and say they've been an idiot can we start again and will you be my girlfriend. hey, a girl can dream. The great thing about impossible dreams it cost me nothing no money at least when it's in the impossible stage (I don't think that last bit should be there without the bit I crossed out I'm leaving it though) a couple of days ago I started my own affirmation

‘I'm letting go of the things I can't control, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, I'm not late, I'm not running out of time, just here right now… exactly,’

 

31 minutes, see you when I see you

 

Morning pages #123 HSP

 9: 40 am

A bowl of fruit (well not anymore but I’m writing it here anyway) in front of me Family guy season 5 on Disney+ on the mac. I know there’s a better way to say that. 

 

I really enjoy these quiet moments before everyone has woken up. And you just have the time to enjoy the outside sounds. Of course, everyone has woken up now. 

I’m also binging Good mythical morning from the beginning. I forgot I was doing that but I’m back to it now. Been watching that show since 2014 to say it's changed is an understatement, you know growth and all that. I think watching this show is a good example of learning to put myself first. In the past, I would watch every episode because I wanted to show my support, now I don’t. My reason is…I don’t know if you know this about me but I’m an HSP (highly sensitive person) things affect me strongly. I skip the episodes with guest stars/ some…I was going to write some crew members, but I haven’t been watching those episodes at all this year. Awkward and cringe, I feel it in my whole body. Most of us know what it’s like to feel someone else’s cringe. Were like that was uncomfortable but 30 minutes max you’ve moved on to something else. It sticks with me for a week/ forever. 

It’s frustrating being an HSP but also kind of wonderful because not everyone experience this.

 

31 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

Morning pages #122

 7:15am a cup of twinning’s defence tea, it’s just citrus  (I’m guessing lemon since it’s on the packet #sample) and ginger def was a good purchase. Currently watching the big leap, it’s good I’m loving it so far. Between you and me I’m not that impressed with the dancing so far though the acting is exceptional, Scott Foley…love him.

Update: the dancing got better, way better whoa.

Question, why was mum with child’s mum unsupportive then when she didn’t get it she changed to supportive. In fact, no one was supportive except Mike's friends. I love that about them.

 

UC is on my mind. I’m beating myself up for saying yes when I 100% wanted to say no. I go to these appointments and I sit while my work coach goes through a list. Suggestions that are unspokenly (probably not a word) mandatory. Because as someone who is 100% me. Who has been in this system since I was 17 I know what I need. My last job was 5 years ago, which I’m fine with. The only reason I feel pressured to say yes is because they need to be seen like they’re doing something.  Man being a people pleaser is frustrating as hell. Saying yes is easy, After you’ve said it that’s it. No one needs a why when you say yes. Saying no comes with a need for a need explanation 'Because I don’t want to,' is never good enough.

 

1 hour 38 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #121 Here's what is happening in my life

 11:35 AM jollof rice and bargue (how do you smell spell) barbeque chicken in front of me. That’s what we eat for breakfast in this house. I felt like I wanted to write one today and I'm trying to right move these. I was listening to Bruno Mars's new album but now I'm listening to nothing because my computer was playing up, how good is that album, though.

 

let's take a cue from a title in my prayer map for women book

 

Here's what is happening in my life  and assume I haven't said this before.

 

first of all universal credit/jobcentre is still p***ing me off. I think it's more job centre because I have fewer problems with my actual benefit. It's not perfect by all means but it's doing its best. With the jobcentre you deal with people and for the most part, they are great but the other part you are just a number to them. Listen I don't know how many victims ‘cough’ I mean claimant one work coach deals with individually a week but how about making it a little personal. I started writing (or I'm still if I wrote it before) writing down what I do by hour. (I'm pretty sure I wrote this next bit before now but I'll continue) It may sound obsessive but (I need to not write the word but so much) I'm trying to deviate away from the perfection part my personality (def think I wrote this next part before) and more into whatever happens, happens.

Because our lives are not set in stone, the end will be {aka death} And the beginning was but (damn it) however how we get there is up to us.

 

31 minutes, see you when I see you.