Morning page #242 Only one person will read this.

The last time I slept was yesterday at 8 p.m. I haven't been to sleep since. Can't sleep because I have this, Jobfair to go to on the 24th. Everything that could go wrong will go wrong. My fellow anxiety suffers know the drill. It's mandatory, this job, and I don't understand the reason, I mean I know on paper they want me to go. But what's the bigger picture here? I don't think work coaches and victims...um, I mean companies, see mandatory the same way. 

Washed plates in the sink, took out the bin.

Now it's 10:07 loose tea leaf in front of me. I was going to have just tea with a bag, then I thought I might as well do a reading. 

Currently, I am listening to my wedding day playlist on Spotify, yes I have that. 

This page will be about the lack of my love life. The only reason I can hang on to us is because of only what's In my head. I'll see visions of that long-overdue conversation. Visions of us as a couple doing couple things. Then I get reminded of the on-paper things. Someone on my left shoulder will say 

'Sweetie, If he wanted you....'

Then the Image of us with our twin girls will pop into my head (Hannah and Hope btw)

God will say it's your choice, believe what you want to. give up if that's what you want.

Then I'll go down the road of regret. Maybe things would have been different If I had the tools to just say words. I'll beat myself up about not being able to forget that fact.

When I write morning pagel It's unfiltered for the most part. I still do filter myself a bit because recovering people pleasers can't just go cold turkey. Truth is..., what I realise now is even though I hate to say it because I don't believe in that. It was love at first sight. The moment my eyes saw him crushing hard. I didn't have any reason to believe he didn't feel the same way until I saw that he had a girlfriend on Facebook. I  was more shocked and I felt like such an idiot. I was grateful I didn't say anything now because my heart would have been shattered, not broken shattered. The vision of him saying

'Esther I think you're great, but I don't feel that way about you,' 

came into my head.

Eventually, I went to how can I have been so wrong and what was the whole point of all this.  Then I saw that he was engaged and I thought well how he feels is clear, this was years ago. So I started giving him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't know, missed opportunities, reading the room wrong. I clearly missed the point, the lesson God was trying to show me. That's the last information I know about him, for all I know he could be dead. That's the worst-case scenario. 

Today my heart is not broken as in, in half but It's not completely whole because of what I just said. I know now that the lesson was self-love. Yes, I did recognise my feelings first, but then I squashed that down quickly because of the reason. I can't be anything but happiness about the way my life has turned out.

This year I've let go of the control. I mean I have no choice but to let go because I have, zero ways of contacting him. to need the truth, the truth from day one. 

I usually post my blog posts on Instagram this time I'm not doing that. I am just going to trust God and the universe to get the person who needs to see it to read it. 

47 minutes, see you see you