A realization of the reason.

Being asked why I was quiet was a regular accurses for me as a youngster, of which my answer was

‘I don’t know.’

Of course, it was, I was 8.

Today my answer to that question has changed, maybe I'm just able, to be honest about the answer. Although I haven’t been asked that question in years. I’ve answered it for no one else but myself.

So random person who asked me that here’s the truth.

I am quiet because I feel safer,

yea that’s the truth. Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this inner monologue of ‘Am I right, Am I wrong?’. As a young kid, I was always afraid of being wrong. For me it wasn’t about being embarrassed it was purely about being wrong but maybe I need to say embarrassed to make you understand.

Being wrong/ embarrassed for a normal person is like ‘Yes, it happened, I wish it didn’t, but I can eventually move on,’

For me, it was the worst that could happen. That’s not the worst like all the people around me pointing and laughing. It’s the ground opening and swallowing me whole. Of course, the sane part of my brain knows that probably won’t happen.

One time I was in one of those many many confidence-building classes I did because I thought my goal was to get rid of my shyness when it was to accept who I am. A teacher asked me

‘Have you ever been outside London?’

I said no, I was too busy thinking this answer should be right or else. That sort of intense thinking makes you forget simple detail, like the fact that I went to Weymouth in primary school Or Paris come to think of it in secondary school (twice). Speaking of, I would never put my hand up even if I was sure I was right.

As a proud Nigerian my parents regularly spoke Yoruba in the house. I can honestly say if one of my teachers asked the question.

‘Name a language spoken in Nigeria?’

I would not have put my hand up.

Being a curious person led me to wonder and try to discover the reason for this feeling, the reason that has taken me 30 years (give or take) to work out and accept is…now before I say this word, I want you to know that every first thought you think I thought it. From the

‘That’s ridiculous,’

to the

‘No, I don’t,’

Imagine you’re doing a 1000-piece puzzle and put the last piece down. Then you realise one piece is missing. ‘Did you accidentally throw it away? ‘Did the shop forget to add it?’ You leave it because it’s not even that noticeable. Years pass and you're moving, you lift the couch and there in the middle is that damn puzzle piece.

‘Oh…it’s the realization of the reason,’

Those first thoughts were what I thought when the word autism first came up. Like I said I went through all the stages. I was told the story of when I was 1 year old (Nursery teachers thought I might have it) after my 30s.

My reaction:

‘Oh, here we go, just because I didn’t talk much you want to label me with autism,’

I left it for years and I mean years until I somehow found myself on the section of the internet that was females diagnosed later in life, I didn’t even know that was an option (thank God for Tiktok) I watched and I watched while I watched I wasn’t thinking, ‘Not applicable,’ I was thinking with every video I watched that, Yes, I have felt all these things, I thought it was a me thing. That was the last but one realisation that led me to the truth. It was the second time I have felt this way the first being when I met people who were struggling just as much as me with their confidence (Get a life throwback) Truth is I only feel safe about sharing who I really am when I know there are people out there like me. I wish it wasn’t the case, I wish I could just be happy with who I am even if I’m the only one, but that’s not how my brain works. I eventually saw my missing piece, once the penny dropped.

You know when you have a near-death experience they say your life flashes before your eyes, granted it wasn’t near death. I had these moments in my life I went back to like when I was asked a question and I gave an answer, and that person came back with a ‘why do you feel that way?’ (In their own words). I had no idea what to say because that’s not how I would have answered in the first place. So why did I say that in the first place, I would guess the way you wanted me to and answer accordingly.

For those whose first thought was ridiculous, no you don't...etc etc,'. You think that because your image of autism is of the autistic kid that is portrayed in TV and movies. While that image is the truth it's not the whole truth, I believe it's also why it was my first thought. I know better today; I know that autism is a spectrum. Meaning there isn't one way to be it. Even for the fact that we have different names for these different autisms Asperger's syndrome, PDA, CDD to name a few. That alone should raise red flags that autism is not the same for every person.

Don’t feel bad that I’m only realizing this now. Don’t even feel sad that you think I’ve got it wrong, and autism is not what I am.

First of all as someone who is me 100%, I can tell you that your feelings are not valid, but you're entitled to them all the same. Secondly, this isn’t something that I landing on and was like ‘well I guess that’ this is something that was put in front of me and ignored.

For the first time in years, I have been able to give myself a break for not being able to do the simplest things like talking to people on the phone or generally just talk to people. I spoke of it as a near-death experience earlier (in this post) that’s what it truly feels like. My life has already begun to change.

Well, that’s my story…so far.

I’ll see you when I see you.

Morning pages #111 An honest conversation.

 Hello, again old friend. No nothing because it’s too hot man.

6: 18am, Good Mythical Morning on YouTube.

I’m at a point in my life where I am finally being honest with myself. I just got to a point of frustration and after some soul searching (Which I think I mentioned on the last one). After having a lot of questions answered.

I found myself doing a deep dive into females diagnosed with autism later in life and had this light bulb moment. Every single one of those women talked about ‘Masking,’. It made me slowly realise I was doing the same.

‘Oh…it makes so much sense now,’

See as a child I was shy. Shy and quiet, if you met me, it would be obvious to you it’s not really something I can hide. The only way I can articulate it is like feeling like I missed a class. It made me look back on my life in certain situations and it’s just given me clarification. Whenever I’m hanging with others I’m always on high alert. The question that always floats in my head is ‘Am I doing this wrong am I doing this right?’

Everything has changed because I now know the reason for why I am the way. It’s been eye-opening and I look forward to learning more.

I’ve been feeling a little unmotivated to write lately so this is a good start.  I keep telling myself I just need to start, I'll get out of my rut soon.  I don’t want it to be 10 years before I look at my novel again Daily routine consists of me drawing somethings (sketch-a-day/doodle-a-day).

 

1 hour, see you when I see you. (hopefully not in another 6months)

Morning Pages #110

 

9:52 AM, currently awaiting my phone appointment with the jobcentre. I was told they would be calling me a week ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it. Why do they need to call me? Surely, they don't expect me to be searching for work. I'm quite sure we are in lockdown at the moment. Do not read it just to see how I'm doing. that's great but then I went to the website and it says to show your job search or something like that. That’s probably just automatic thing. I shouldn't worry too much about it. is this going to be a monthly thing because I can't handle that. I have nothing to say. I'm thinking of this in my head but, what is really going to happen is none of that. The conversation will probably go.

“How are you doing ?”

“fine,”

end of the conversation.

I'm thinking about it as a 30-minute conversation, it will probably be 10. if it does turn out to be monthly, I hope I get the choice to continue phone appointments.

I know what you're saying…

“look what is happening now,”

Yes, but I feel like once I get over this hurdle it will be plain sailing from then on. Jobcentre call in 24 minutes.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.    

Morning Pages #109

 

7:47 AM, murder she wrote on Sky and ham baguette (a ham and greve baguette to be specific) in front of me. sitting here and my baguette is half gone. if I'm honest I'm forcing myself to write this because I want to write more morning pages this year. It's one of my New Year's resolutions, it might be the only resolution based on the year we just had.

I brought a 5-year diary and a question and answer diary. I'm excited to fill them both in. filling them in makes me excited for the future, not just the next five years. I think I feel differently this 1st of January then I have any other. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like more than just hopeful for the future. It's certain and determination that everything I want will come true. I would say my motivation and termination has become stronger. I used to have this one of shy and quietness. I think it's turned into motivation and determination.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.     

Morning Pages #108

9:49am a cup of hot water and a bowl of rice in front of me (because I’m hungry). Someone made us some rice and chicken the other day. Ah, the perks of being a Bishops daughter. 

I’m a celebrity season 20 started on Sunday. I always wait a few days before watching because of my anxiety. I not going to say why because I don’t want to explain myself and I’ve learnt I don’t have to that anymore. Accepting my high sensitivity was a turning point for me. In the past, I would have just kept that to myself. I hesitated a bit before writing it. It’s the fear of being judged. I am just now realising that I am that way because I have experienced it in my life. Try to be honest and they react like ‘Why though,’ say I don’t know, and they think you’re lying. Can’t blame them because it’s ‘gut reaction,’ and most people don’t have a filter. I used to expect the people around me to behave the way I would and when they didn’t, I couldn’t understand it. I thought I was the problem now I know we are both in the right. It’s our brains are wired differently.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #107 Imagine its now.

 

7:27 AM a Cup of tea pigs clean n green, national lampoon's vacation Netflix. I've been binge-watching diagnosis murder episodes (I mean seasons) for the past few weeks.

It's been…(I'm going to guess at least a month) since the last entry. I was motivated to write one today because yesterday I was doing some spring cleaning. I came across the diary I wrote when I was in hospital eight years ago in March. It was a turning point for me as you can imagine. 2020 has been a year of answered questions for me. I did a lot of souls searching, a ton of writing. I see what I wrote in a different light. Whilst in hospital I figured out what I needed.

a few days ago I came across a YouTube advert talking about thinking about your dream/ future life being your present. It makes sense doesn't it, something to think about.

26 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #106 Happy Birthday

 9: 57 am, 8 out of 10 cats on my mac. A cup of tea in front of me, Apple in my hand. I’ve started to peel the skin of my apple’s. As a woman with dentures, it just makes it easier.

Today is my 36th birthday. I told my mum I didn’t want a party this year and I meant it. The reason is not important to you but it’s 100% important to me and that’s all that matters.

Although it’s the main reason it’s not the only reason. I am who I am, I need to be able to do what I want on my birthday and not put on a smile. It doesn’t mean I’m sad, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means I’m more comfortable when I’m on my own. I’m learning that’s ok because we all need what we need. I am vocalising what I want and need for the first time and it’s not easy. It’s not something I grew up with, It’s a little out of character. Even for my mother

“You what…are you ok?” (she didn’t say that but, I could see it in her eyes)

Here’s the thing, if I’m going to be alive on this earth for the next 66 years potentially. I need to be able to live the best way I need to be happy. Which means some alone time more than I need to be around people. I’m shy and I’m quiet, of course, it’s what I need. And that’s ok.

22 minutes, see you when I see you