Morning pages #111 An honest conversation.

 Hello, again old friend. No nothing because it’s too hot man.

6: 18am, Good Mythical Morning on YouTube.

I’m at a point in my life where I am finally being honest with myself. I just got to a point of frustration and after some soul searching (Which I think I mentioned on the last one). After having a lot of questions answered.

I found myself doing a deep dive into females diagnosed with autism later in life and had this light bulb moment. Every single one of those women talked about ‘Masking,’. It made me slowly realise I was doing the same.

‘Oh…it makes so much sense now,’

See as a child I was shy. Shy and quiet, if you met me, it would be obvious to you it’s not really something I can hide. The only way I can articulate it is like feeling like I missed a class. It made me look back on my life in certain situations and it’s just given me clarification. Whenever I’m hanging with others I’m always on high alert. The question that always floats in my head is ‘Am I doing this wrong am I doing this right?’

Everything has changed because I now know the reason for why I am the way. It’s been eye-opening and I look forward to learning more.

I’ve been feeling a little unmotivated to write lately so this is a good start.  I keep telling myself I just need to start, I'll get out of my rut soon.  I don’t want it to be 10 years before I look at my novel again Daily routine consists of me drawing somethings (sketch-a-day/doodle-a-day).

 

1 hour, see you when I see you. (hopefully not in another 6months)

Morning Pages #110

 

9:52 AM, currently awaiting my phone appointment with the jobcentre. I was told they would be calling me a week ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it. Why do they need to call me? Surely, they don't expect me to be searching for work. I'm quite sure we are in lockdown at the moment. Do not read it just to see how I'm doing. that's great but then I went to the website and it says to show your job search or something like that. That’s probably just automatic thing. I shouldn't worry too much about it. is this going to be a monthly thing because I can't handle that. I have nothing to say. I'm thinking of this in my head but, what is really going to happen is none of that. The conversation will probably go.

“How are you doing ?”

“fine,”

end of the conversation.

I'm thinking about it as a 30-minute conversation, it will probably be 10. if it does turn out to be monthly, I hope I get the choice to continue phone appointments.

I know what you're saying…

“look what is happening now,”

Yes, but I feel like once I get over this hurdle it will be plain sailing from then on. Jobcentre call in 24 minutes.

15 minutes, see you when I see you.    

Morning Pages #109

 

7:47 AM, murder she wrote on Sky and ham baguette (a ham and greve baguette to be specific) in front of me. sitting here and my baguette is half gone. if I'm honest I'm forcing myself to write this because I want to write more morning pages this year. It's one of my New Year's resolutions, it might be the only resolution based on the year we just had.

I brought a 5-year diary and a question and answer diary. I'm excited to fill them both in. filling them in makes me excited for the future, not just the next five years. I think I feel differently this 1st of January then I have any other. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like more than just hopeful for the future. It's certain and determination that everything I want will come true. I would say my motivation and termination has become stronger. I used to have this one of shy and quietness. I think it's turned into motivation and determination.

13 minutes, see you when I see you.     

Morning Pages #108

9:49am a cup of hot water and a bowl of rice in front of me (because I’m hungry). Someone made us some rice and chicken the other day. Ah, the perks of being a Bishops daughter. 

I’m a celebrity season 20 started on Sunday. I always wait a few days before watching because of my anxiety. I not going to say why because I don’t want to explain myself and I’ve learnt I don’t have to that anymore. Accepting my high sensitivity was a turning point for me. In the past, I would have just kept that to myself. I hesitated a bit before writing it. It’s the fear of being judged. I am just now realising that I am that way because I have experienced it in my life. Try to be honest and they react like ‘Why though,’ say I don’t know, and they think you’re lying. Can’t blame them because it’s ‘gut reaction,’ and most people don’t have a filter. I used to expect the people around me to behave the way I would and when they didn’t, I couldn’t understand it. I thought I was the problem now I know we are both in the right. It’s our brains are wired differently.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #107 Imagine its now.

 

7:27 AM a Cup of tea pigs clean n green, national lampoon's vacation Netflix. I've been binge-watching diagnosis murder episodes (I mean seasons) for the past few weeks.

It's been…(I'm going to guess at least a month) since the last entry. I was motivated to write one today because yesterday I was doing some spring cleaning. I came across the diary I wrote when I was in hospital eight years ago in March. It was a turning point for me as you can imagine. 2020 has been a year of answered questions for me. I did a lot of souls searching, a ton of writing. I see what I wrote in a different light. Whilst in hospital I figured out what I needed.

a few days ago I came across a YouTube advert talking about thinking about your dream/ future life being your present. It makes sense doesn't it, something to think about.

26 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #106 Happy Birthday

 9: 57 am, 8 out of 10 cats on my mac. A cup of tea in front of me, Apple in my hand. I’ve started to peel the skin of my apple’s. As a woman with dentures, it just makes it easier.

Today is my 36th birthday. I told my mum I didn’t want a party this year and I meant it. The reason is not important to you but it’s 100% important to me and that’s all that matters.

Although it’s the main reason it’s not the only reason. I am who I am, I need to be able to do what I want on my birthday and not put on a smile. It doesn’t mean I’m sad, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means I’m more comfortable when I’m on my own. I’m learning that’s ok because we all need what we need. I am vocalising what I want and need for the first time and it’s not easy. It’s not something I grew up with, It’s a little out of character. Even for my mother

“You what…are you ok?” (she didn’t say that but, I could see it in her eyes)

Here’s the thing, if I’m going to be alive on this earth for the next 66 years potentially. I need to be able to live the best way I need to be happy. Which means some alone time more than I need to be around people. I’m shy and I’m quiet, of course, it’s what I need. And that’s ok.

22 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #105

10:44 AM, 8 out of 10 cats on my Mac. It came back for it's 20th season yesterday so I have one new episode to watch.

Should I make myself a Cup of tea (knowing full well I'm only doing it to write it in here)

Ah...no, I'm going to make breakfast for myself in a few minutes.

I made a TikTok account the other day, I'm obsessed. It's made me want to be creative.

My book is still less than 10,000 words. If I was a betting woman, I would say not going to complete it this year. That's okay I'll change my goal to 10,000 words by the end of the year. Everything else is a bonus.

My birthday is coming up soon,  I've decided what I need is nothing. I need the day to be about me and not about people/a person who needs to be the centre of attention like they need to breathe. Nowadays I'm starting to care less about what people think of me (not at all, I'm still me). So I will be telling people not to come over, that would be my gift to myself.

33 minutes, see you when I see you.