Why can't people hear me when I talk.

When  I was younger I was very shy, not only that I was quiet too.
I don't just mean, didn't talk much (I mean that too).
Looking back it felt like no one heard me when I spoke.
Adults were constantly telling me to speak up.
As I grew up the volume in my voice didn't get better.
People stopped saying speak up and started saying

'Pardon'  and
'What did you say?'

When you hear it once or twice its fine, but when you hear it for the 100th time it starts to chip at your confidence.
Then I started thinking what's the point of talking if no one is going to hear me.
I went through what I went though and now that I've gain my confidence and am constantly adding to it.
Now I don't really get people saying speak up at all.
I don't get people saying pardon or what did you say? (Maybe once in a while).
I just get the move forward with a hand to their ear.
Which is so, so anoying it makes me want to scream.
Instead I just do it inside and don't let it get to me.
The same way I don't let the little things that lead to my depresion lead to it again.

Why I left my job.

Here’s the low down

As you know by now I got the Job, working at Millie’s Cookies in Stratford.
I never thought it could happened, I was determined and It was going to be my goal for the new year. The stuff I thought I'd struggle with the most is the thing I enjoy most. The interacting with people part, the working on the till part, I love meeting people.
For a while everything was going swimmingly. Then people started saying…

‘You need to be quicker Esther,”

Was this a mistake, what’s the point If I can’t even keep up.

I was feeling bad for other people having to do my work as well as their own. They were nice about, they never got mad or shouted (at least that I saw.) For that reason, I stuck with it, I loved the job so much and the people I worked with.

It was month 6 that I finally began to find my stride. I was doing mainly morning shifts and had found a routine.  I was doing great, I was even getting good at completing everything (Well most of it) I needed to do before the next person came in for their shift.

On the 8^th month we were told there was to be a meeting. Apparently, Millie’s Cookies Stratford was closing, this meant I had to say goodbye to my job. I was nervous and worried, but I was reassured by my boss who said there’s a job going at Paddington station. I was excited, until I realised that there weren’t a Millie’s cookies in Paddington. Then I was back to anxious and worried.

I went to meet the manager who also managed a few other kiosks in Paddington. At this point it wasn’t clear where I was going to work. I thought maybe the Pastry shop because that was where I was told to meet him.

So, we sat down and had a chat. He asked about my Job history, why I hadn’t worked before, the usual. He told me where I was going to work (Delice De France btw). To be honest I had to look it up because I had never heard of it before. Mainly they do panni’s, baguettes and Pastries. Sort of like a posh Greggs (I mean a smaller Greggs) Anyway he seemed nice (He is nice).

I started on the 4^th September. I was told ‘we’ had to make 25 Panni’s x 5. I thought that’s doable with 2 people. Then that girl left and that’s how I worked, in the kitchen alone for the rest of my time there, making up to 100 Panni’s. I soon would realise that I had to make 16 breakfast croissants, not to mention a maximum of 20 breakfast rolls. That first day I wanted to leave. I stayed because it was the first day. I thought it can only get better, it didn’t, I still felt the same way I did on the first day a week later. I would have left that week but then I saw my pay check and I was like…Esther be strong. The next week I texted my boss that I had to leave DDF asap, stating personal reason’s as my why? This was the truth, it wasn’t a lie. To be quite honest with you I hated it there, from start to finish. I was miserable, I dreaded going to work, watching the clock when I was there, all of this in a few weeks. I knew I needed to leave before it started messing with my mental health.

So that’s where I am, unemployed looking for work (not in retail, God not in retail). Because I didn’t want to spend a second wasting it somewhere I wasn’t happy.

Life update.

No go on the McDonald job. I did some research (on the internet) before my interview. I know, I know, bad idea.
I'm going to focus on the voice that says
"It wasn't meant to be. You are meant for better things."
And not the one that says.
"Everyone gets a job at McDonald's...too shy, too shy, too shy."
I  was getting emails of job offers/ interviews including another administrator training job offer. Which I had to miss.
A care assistant training job, I applied for that.
A airport cleaner job offer. A few kitchen porter jobs.

On the 27^th of December my phone started to ring. I wasn’t going to answer it, it was the holidays and it was 9am. 

The phone call was from the manager of Millie's Cookies, asking me if I’m still interested in the job I applied for days earlier. The next day I went there, I thought it was an interview but it was a training day. The Manager asked me if I wanted the job, if I thought I could do it.

“Yes, I absolutely wanted the job.

You don’t know how wonderful it is to say, I’m starting the year with a job.

You got this.

I applied for a job (customer service,training) a few days ago (27 November). To be honest it was the

"Don't worry If you're lacking in skills" 
that drew me to it.

I thought to myself I'm just going to apply to this, what's the worst that could happen, you don't get a response.
And like a good friend once said

"If you don't ask, you don't get."

I got a call the next day inviting me for an interview. The lady told me they hand picked my CV. I think I said at one point. you saw my CV. The day came, I was told to wear business attire. So I went there in my jeans, t-shirt and trainers...just kidding (I don't own trainers...well I do but, I haven't worn them in years I'm guessing they probably don't fit me anymore) I know what business means.
The place was pretty easy to find. The interview started well, then the guy started talking about the next stage sort of like a trial run, then he said...

"Face to face."

and

"Observation"

Ooh...uh.

"We'll call you back between 4-6 today to let you know if you will be moving on to the next step (I feel like I'm on X-factor). If you don't hear from us, you were not successful."

Sitting on the bus, negative voice piped up...

'If you get the call back, if being the operative word...there is no way that they won't find out the truth. That you're too shy and quiet to ever be able to do this job.'

Positive voice (God) was having none of it...

'You can do this, Esther. Remember everything happens for a reason. God would not have put you here if he didn't think you could do it."

Well it's 2 am in the morning so I'm guessing I didn't get it. I'm not too dishearten, in the words of Westlife...

"You've got to fight for every dream
'Cause who's to know
Which one you let go
Would have made you complete."

Yes I did just quote Westlife...or their writers at least...I joke, I was a fan of Westlife, loved their songs.
I will tell you this It's amazing what wearing a suit can do to your confidence, Maybe, I'll only wear suits from now on.
When one door closes another one opens...I got a text from the manager of a McDonald to come in for an interview,fingers crossed.

Saturday 16th January 2016

Today I'm going to another bowling meet up. This time it's at Rowans ten pin bowling club in North London.
So I left my house at 11:30am still worried I wouldn't find it or I'd be late. I got there around 1:50pm. The place was right in front of me. I didn't see anyone so I stood at the entrance. When 2:30 came and went I got worried. I went outside used the call back option to call the hosts phone, no answer. I went to wifi on my iPad. It worked thank god. I sent a message on the group. I got a reply within seconds. They were all inside it was great. I'm glad I egnored my insecurities and worries and just went with my gut. I meet some nice people.

Christmas 2015

I woke up around 8am to get ready. I washed myself and brushed my teeth and we left the house at 11am. Me, My Grandma, Dorcas and Elaine took the cab, whilst my Mum, Eric and Sarah took the underground. The train left the station at 1:07 and we arrived in Liverpool at 3ish.
Christmas Day.
I woke up showered, bruised my teeth and in the evening we ate (what more do you need).
Roast Potatoes
Mac and Cheese
Chicken
Stew
Salad
Rice (white and Jellof)
Beef
Lamb
Gravy
Turkey...can't forget the turkey
Boxing Day.
Family (that wasn't me) went to buy some presents. Eventually when everyone had wrapped each and every present. We all sat in the living room. My brother Tops gave them out one by one. And one by one we opened them (there was a lot). We were done in about an hour. I thought it would take us longer.
On Sunday we all went to the Potters House Church. Pastor Yomi spoke about the inner you. About having the outside match the inside. He talked about a man who killed his wife and then killed his kids because they witnessed it. He told a few stories about people who committed crimes. Why because their insides were not right with God. God knows about the secret doors, the doors that you don't want anyone to see. The doors you didn't even know were there.
What I took from it is getting your mindset on the right track with God, your thoughts, your feelings. Things you say need to be of God. You need to worry about yourself not anyone else. Because at the end of the day it's about you and only you. I think that what God was trying to drill into my head is...it will be you standing at the heavenly gates. So only you decide what comes in and affects you. Learn to let the things...the words that hurt you, that are unhealthy to your mind. Leave them behind don't let them come into your mind.
We stayed until the second of January. Most of the family had gone home by the 1st so New Year's Day was quiet.

What's in a name?

I've been thinking about this and I wonder if your name makes a difference to who you are.
You may sit/ stand there thinking...duh, no. You're name doesn't define you, you define you.
My opinion of it is...No my name does not make a difference. Whether I was an Esther, a Anita, a Tamara or a Sharon I would still have had the life I had. But I do think I was meant to be called Esther. I guess it comes back to the whole fate and destiny thing. And believing that everything happens for a reason.