Morning Page #282

Today's the start of a new chapter. Woke from a dream forgotten. On days like these it's emptying my head...no sorry that's when I don't remember the dream. I know something happened I just don't know what or who. Sometimes I see who, like the feeling. Today was my future hubby. When I walk I thought I saw 10:10 when I looked again it was 10:08. I was reluctant to write it in my science and messages from God notebook. God said still widely because it's what you saw. Change your thinking from supporting character. No more convincing yourself you are wrong. No more ignoring what you truly first thought. No more striving for perfection and definitely no people pleasing. It's time today to start whipping through life as a main character. You decide that's you. Don't let anyone tell me what you should do and where you should go. Get ready because... Requesting to delete your account on Universal Credit 

A new healthy relationship. 

Your own business and lots of travel is on the way. You are about to be living in dreams and day dreams as a reality 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Estherology 2024

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonise


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I don't really have one to be honest with you, but anywhere but Nandos.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably crisps

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pineapple all the way

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter or just butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?
1

What color cell phone do you have?
Grey (new this year)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts) I was 14 years old.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Noway, here's why I would be waiting for that day. In a physical sense and a literal sense.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No way Jose.

when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like shanique or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

Last person you hugged?

My oldest brother 


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
I think this means actual not place but I'll answer it both ways.

Christmas and Hawaii (hope to get there one day)

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?

I've had a crush/ been in love with him since 2006. Haven't seen him in 17 years, SM. I don't know why I wrote it like that I've said his name on here before. All you need to do is stroll down one.

Mood?
Little tired mixed with excited for the future.

What are you listening to?
Nothing (well the sound of the fan). 

Watching?

8 out of 10 cats does countdown


**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The toilet 

What's the last movie you saw?


Do you smile often?
Yes, yes I do

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Unfortunately 


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
Hardly ever, I also don't get many phone calls so there's that.

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

An automatic text, doesn't matter which. Tesco mobile (which is where I bought this phone)

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I wouldn't.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I never had it. Pretty sure it's a...in fact I'll look it up...oh its a fast food restaurant, for drinks (they might sell food as well. I didn't check that) from the list it would be , Coconut, Watermelon, Pineapple, 

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Yes just brought a new one, but I'm not a fan it's a kids one. I'm gonna have to buy another better one.

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No...though we will probably have pet fish in the future.

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Be pleasantly surprised.

9) Can you do push ups?

Yes, 

10) Can you do a chin up?
I haven't tried one before.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
So excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Grandma's lap, honestly think she tried to kill me, she hated me that much)

14) Do you have an accent?
Probably 

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Rihanna "Russian Roulette"

16) Plans tonight?
Complete my to do list 

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
06/10/2006 it was the worst day up to and since then.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Nothing

19) Have you ever been given roses?
No

20) Current worry?
Money, Money, Money 

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yeah. manly friends

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
I've been thinking today about where I'll spend Christmas. For the past few years it's been at home alone 

24) What song represents you?
christina aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
Not a soul probably or future me in...let's say 3 years.

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No, late bloomer here and proud of it. Because there's a good reason for that.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Ears pierced and one tattoo on my right wrist. It's a heart shaped semi colon with a peace sign inside with 06/10/2006 underneath.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
God said just say yes.

30) Does anyone love you?
Yes.a lot of people do.

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatevers in my head

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
nope


34) When did you last cry?
can't remember

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Myself 

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?

No, full stop. (When it comes to ex's) You can be friendly, but friends that's a no from me. It's not like I have any of those anyway. I was going say something different for prospects. It's kinda the same really. You don't want to torture yourself. How I feel about my crush is it's a relationship or nothing. And he has made his feelings clear.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old (in every sense of the word, lol. I gest) I've made less than 5 friends this year. All of them through social media.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Sure

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing hopefully

Morning Page #281

I am writing this at 13:34 because I really wanted to write a morning page. 

Woke at 8:08 I know this because I sit sleeper tracker. The thing with that is it will sometimes say not a great sleep when it was a good sleep. I think it's because sleep tracker measures everything. How long it took me to fall asleep (which is not always accurate), how long I am in r.e.m and deep sleep?. I just measure how many hours IDoes anyone ever feel like their definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else?

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all. slept? And how I felt. I think the point is I must look this earth from my eyes only. This is a lesson I'm learning recently. Today I'm worrying about my universal credit appointment on the 15th. I need uc2 disappea, the number one thing that will make me happier. Also getting a message from my crush but let's focus on this for now. 

I'm going over and over conversations in my head

(1) I need her to stop treating me like I'm younger than my age. Being patronised is annoying. You have eyes to see I'm not six so stop speaking to me like I'm stupid.

(2) I need my work coach to recognise her role. Which is to be an advisor. She doesn't get a say in what I do and how I live my life. I think sometime she forgets that. And that she needs her power removed. I need to do things my way. In fact it's essential that I do. So she says you need to call them or you should go there. I don't want to force myself to do it to please her. Where I forget reason, I hate talking to people on the phone. And need to think about the travel money, to think about wasting money. I can't live my life to please others anymore that stops today. 

Few days ago I felt my bed break. So I've been looking up a new one. Today I decided I should find a mattress then by the bottom bed a later date. 

45 minutes, see you when I see.

A true friend

Does anyone ever feel like their own definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else's.

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all.

Morning Page #280

Woke up at 9:20 am, and went to the kitchen. After, having a quick cold shower (became the boiler was off). I just washed my face and legs. I filmed today's YouTube video. Which turned out to be my autism journey. Then I made a short for Tiktok. It's an inspirational quote for the day. Has the date and everything. 

11:01 am cup of vanilla chai in front of me. Actually no, because I just finished it. Just turned 11:11 Note to self a good video idea. (I'll probably forget... Dear God help me to remember) I want to make these. 

1. a real brain dump.

2.... uh...I had one now I forgot. we'll come back to that.... oh how would I explain 

(btw I'm writing these while editing some YouTube videos)

Just letting God move my hands. I don't know if I've said it before on here. But I'll say it again anyway. (I think I have) I'm doing this 30 post a video a day on YouTube. This started on the 5th of July. I got the Idea a few days earlier. I said to myself I was going to do it on Friday, and I did. I'm also trying to...well God has... 

(and now I need to number 2)

...challenged me to see the beauty outside (As in my head), when I am feeling anxious. Right now it's about my Universal Credit appointment in 6 days. It will be a blessing when I can request to delete my account.

Yeah I'm going to have to pause this, It's 11:27 

11:39, Also anxious about money in general, And...

I think should I write down all my video Ideas. Or just let life happen.

(Ps: I didn't on the 15th of July when I was writing this up. Might still, let life happen.)

...paying for or stuff. I have zero pounds in my bank.

The beauty is out of my head. It's sunny outside, what I can see is my niece's bike. It's white and Purple, Purple, Seat white and Purple wheels. Now I am thinking about my... Please I was too young to write crush, which ended in year 5 (2010). No Suleymen Mehmet Mehmet is my future hubby, he is always on my mind, the song just popped into my head Elvis, but I'm also watching" DM to Df brace yourself the universe is taking you both on an unexpected detour *specific*

And the first message was so much has gone unsaid, yea, no s***. Btw I am not scared anymore to say his name or write it in this case. Scared because he might feel it's inappropriate because he's happily married with kids, or he feels like he has to reject. He's done that anyway many times. That's what has changed about me today. A lot of my fear has been removed. 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #279

Woke at 10:52 am. I decided to have a quick shower. Then took a cup to the kitchen 

11:11 am cup of tea leaf reading in front of me, American Dad on iPad

Ok so update, 

(1) I am back making YouTube videos again, started that on the 4th. 

(2) Also started on the 4th God has challenged me to get out of my head and look at the beauty around myself. Though I have written in that notebook in a few days. I'll do it today. 

(3) I went back to movies a day. Started on the 6th I think I watched the new Beverly Hills movie, Dune, big 6 Hero, The Wedding Ringer, and yesterday's Roleplay.

Oh, that was the 4th as well,

I'm quickly sanding myself into my daydreams about Sul. The recurring daydream about him showing up at my house with flowers. Today I daydreamed about him calling me sexy. Then saying the feeling is mutual. I said 'I want to say more but that's all I got,'

I've just been daydreaming about winning the lottery. The money would solve half my problems right now, and so would a house. I daydream about moving in with Sul and doing a couple of things including s**. I was daydreaming him ******** *** ******. Btw I am less fearful and I question myself less. The thing is not a lot of people will read this so I don't have to worry what people will think of me when l do. I write these blogs for myself, my future self to be exact, and him.

Suleymen Mehmet, that's who I've been in love with since 27th November 2006. In my head, he is my future hubby. Even though I haven't seen him in 17 years. I know the same amount of information I knew in 2006. 

Why?

I am quiet and I don't like conversing with people. I get my information from observation.

Just got the idea to talk directly to Sul. I've been in love with you since 2006. Even if you start today work up the courage to tell me the truth of feelings. Even if they are the opposite of how I feel. I think It's about time I knew.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #278

Woke up at 8:40, forgot a dream and used the bathroom. The Tiktok package came, I think I'll open it when I come back from my appointment.

9:04 cup of tea leaf tea In front of me American dad on my iPad. Yesterday I watched the new Beverly cop movie. A huge dose of nostalgia for me. It was the D-list cast who gave a D-list performance. If you had given me 10 guesses I wouldn't have guessed Joseph Gordon Levitt, not Kevin Bacon. 

For my appointment today! My goal is to open my eyes and look at the beauty around me. I have to let go of fear, fear of the outcome of things, fear of not being perfect, fear of being wrong. being wrong. Fear of my work coach (superior that she thinks she is!) saying sanctions. Mostly fear of my joy being stolen. Having to think about this appointment until the next one. She gave me something to do. Telling me I didn't this enough or that enough. I am taking back my power over my life, you have zero say.

I won't be seeing you in my future no way. Everything that is causing me pain removed yourself in Jesus' name.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.