Woke at 9...something but it was 9: 38 when I went to the kitchen. No washing plates today sometimes you just don't feel it. I always feel my morning cup of tea though. Did some job search and saw the time was 11:11. Ok might as well write a morning page.
11: 27 am I've finished my cup of Graze black tea. Currently watching (and now I need to wee again) Family Guy which I slept to on the laptop.
Ok, currently things in my head/ what I am stressing about.
Number one: work-based benefit (The things I need to do to please others)
Hi, my name is Esther, I am a recovering people pleaser.
Ya, I'm going to need to pause this. 11: 30 am.
Back 11:36 am
The thing about recovery is it's still there In small doses but it's still there. All that stuff feels like I'm dragging it behind me in a heavy bag. At least it's 10% not 90. That's how I know I'm not in...uh...not living...um...not in my authentic life. Not living the way God intended when I was a thought in his eyes. My goal is to let that bag go.
Number two: The one that got away, but did he really...I believe in everything happens for a reason. That's why I didn't push myself to be vocal about how I really felt. First of all that gift is not in my toolbox (Notice I wrote is not). Secondly, I felt strongly that If it's meant to be it will be. I will be in a relationship with this guy or I will learn the lesson I haven't seen yet. I can honestly say the latter was definitely true. Yet to witness if the first was also true. Only time will tell.
All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.
27 minutes, see you when I see you
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