Ten months later.

I just looked at the last blog post...30 November 2017, that's almost ten months ago. A lot has happened since then. I stayed in my house for new years in 2018, brought in the new year by watching the countdown on ITV. I started the year with an interview at Chilango, a Mexican restaurant in Chancery Lane. Then the same week I had an interview with PretaManager, which I didn't get. I managed to get an interview with Empire cinemas, the first cinema interview I have gotten after years of applying for jobs in cinemas, I didn't get that job either, not gonna lie I was very disappointed. My Universal credit advisor offered me an appointment with a company called Pure insights. Pure is an Employment service that helps with any problems that may be stopping you from getting work, confidence, Anxiety, Limited work skills...etc, etc. I was determined to get a job this year, on my third week on Pure the 14th of May, I went for an interview with the Courthouse Hotel, I got the job, it was for a room attendant. I had trouble with the beds so I was moved to the Public Area. It was better but I soon began to feel what I was feeling with my last job. So on the 23rd of May, I left that job too. I was emailed by a lady who was looking for people to write for her online website, I 've written two articles for her so far one about staying positive and a poem about inspiration. Writing for that online website inspired me to start writing a book. I have a plan, I know exactly where my career path is heading. I'm going to be a writer, I'm 19,000 words away from completing my first novel having written 31,000 words already.  Today I am currently unemployed, doing a 4-week retail course with Go Train. It's been an experience so far (I still have 2 weeks to go). I've learnt a lot and gained some confidence.   
Also so far I watched Black Panther, Edie, Whitney and Tag in the cinemas this year. I binged watched Dexter and Breaking Bad. Caught up on Orange is the New Black, Killjoys, Luther and Shades of Blue. 
The future is bright and I can't wait for it to start.               

ESTHEROLOGY 2018

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonnaise or salad cream


What is your favourite sit-down restaurant?
Harvester

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Chips (but not wedges, it has to be a specific size)

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni and Pineapple 

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter and Strawberry Jam

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?

One

What color cell phone do you have?
White

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts)

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My Bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, because then my whole life would be focused on that day.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nothing when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like Shanique 
or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

The last person, you hugged?
Sister


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
Christmas

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?
Just friends I haven't seen in a while and family in Nigeria

Mood?
Relaxed

What are you listening to?
Nothing

Watching?
Shades of Blue with Jennifer Lopez

**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The Bathroom

What's the last movie you saw?
WHITNEY

Do you smile often?
Yes

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Yes


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
When I hear it yes

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Some kind of notification.

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Blue i guess


4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I think I know what that is now but I'm not familiar with the flavours.

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Nope

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
That everyone around me has a good time. 

9) Can you do push ups?
Yes although I haven't done them in a while. 

10) Can you do a chin up?
Dunno

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
More excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Granma's lap)

14) Do you have an accent?
I don't think so


15) What is the last song to make you cry?
 Not sure.

16) Plans tonight?
Sleep

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
yea, it's happened twice in my life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
I put money on my Oyster that was it.

19) Have you ever been given roses?
I wish.

20) Current worry?
My Love Life because it is non-existent.

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yes, a lot of people.

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
With family.

24) What song represents you?
Christina Aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
dunno

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Nope.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Just ears pierced.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Not counting on it.

30) Does anyone love you?
I hope so! ;)

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever is in my head.

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
No.

34) When did you last cry?
At my brothers 40th birthday celebration

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Myself.

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly, top 40 stuff, and a little bit of 60's.

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
No.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
I'd say new.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes.

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
My friends don't make fun of me, other people make fun of the volume (or lack of) in my voice.

Growth.

I feel like I say this a lot, and I will continue to say it till the end of time, I am a very lucky person.

I could sit here and list things that make that true, a quarter of them being before I hit puberty.

One of those reasons being, I was born into a loving family, both parents. Insecurities were just that IN me, they were never about another person. Which I knew deep down were not true, which is part of why I’m still here today. It’s like my insecurities were a brick wall. And I could see the other side I just couldn’t get to it because of this brick wall. And since I’m not superhuman/ a superhero and don’t have don’t have super powers (unfortunately). I’ve been working on gaining the tools to break down that wall for years.

I’ve grown so much, I mean I’m 33 so that’s a given. One great example of this being…

I recently quit my job, I mean today will make it nearly 2 months that I told my boss I had to leave for ‘personal reasons’. I didn’t tell him anything more than that. Even when he tried to pull it out of me by saying

“Is it the distance?” …etc etc.

I wasn’t budging, I needed to leave that place in a positive cloud. Maybe one day we will meet again, and I will tell him the truth, or he’ll come across this somehow. I’d say to him…here’s the thing, I hated that place. I hated going to work and I was counting the hours till I went home when I was there. I couldn’t pin point one reason because it was a bunch of stuff that just built up.

From the first day, I was not feeling it, for want of a better phrase. When I decided I needed to leave I went back and forth, the pros and cons.

What will I do next? I'm very unhappy here. Should I, can I leave this place without another job to fall back on. If I stay I know what this MIGHT lead to…depression, I recognise the signs. It can only get better, right. This MIGHT lead to something down the line. I emphasize the might in both those sentences.

Then in the second week I had a conversation with one of my colleagues. He asked me how I was finding it.

‘It’s fine’…I lied

He wouldn’t let it go, possibly because he could tell I wasn’t being truthful. So, I said

“It’s too much for one person to do.”

And then he said

“It’s not too much.’

I felt like slapping him. Like…mate, we are two different people. What you can do does not amount to what I can do, for better or for worse. Do you know why I can tell you it’s too much for one person to do, because I’m doing it.

You may say

“Esther why didn’t you just tell them you weren’t happy.”

I didn’t care enough, to be honest. I thought about it, knowing full well that my boss will probably talk to my colleagues. And in turn would probably make my job harder. I decided it just wasn’t worth it. If I loved it there, if I liked any part of this job I would have said something.

“But what was it specifically.”

You may say

I just didn’t feel welcome. I was working alone in the kitchen most of the time, barked orders. I was told to be quicker. Granted I was also told that in my last job. The difference being at Millie’s it was a team environment. Even though I worked in the kitchen, I still had colleagues saying.

‘Do you need any help, let me know if you do.’

Most of the time there was two people working in the kitchen, and I didn’t have half as much to do at Millie’s than I did at this last job.  

Then I looked to my future and I didn’t want to be working here in 5 year’s time, I didn’t want to be working here the next day.

So, I texted my boss (a text…really?) I waited for the response. And once he had accepted it, and said OK. I…rejoiced, let me tell you. I felt so happy, and proud of myself, that I had the courage to go through with it. Do you think I would be able to do that a year ago…nope. I would have just stayed, and I would probably still be there till this day, telling myself…

“Just do better.”

I don’t know what my next job will be. What I do know is I need to make decisions with my 5 year’s time self in mind. My 5 year plan has been the same since I was 18, get married, have kids. Everything else is a bonus.

Why can't people hear me when I talk.

When  I was younger I was very shy, not only that I was quiet too.
I don't just mean, didn't talk much (I mean that too).
Looking back it felt like no one heard me when I spoke.
Adults were constantly telling me to speak up.
As I grew up the volume in my voice didn't get better.
People stopped saying speak up and started saying

'Pardon'  and
'What did you say?'

When you hear it once or twice its fine, but when you hear it for the 100th time it starts to chip at your confidence.
Then I started thinking what's the point of talking if no one is going to hear me.
I went through what I went though and now that I've gain my confidence and am constantly adding to it.
Now I don't really get people saying speak up at all.
I don't get people saying pardon or what did you say? (Maybe once in a while).
I just get the move forward with a hand to their ear.
Which is so, so anoying it makes me want to scream.
Instead I just do it inside and don't let it get to me.
The same way I don't let the little things that lead to my depresion lead to it again.

Why I left my job.

Here’s the low down

As you know by now I got the Job, working at Millie’s Cookies in Stratford.
I never thought it could happened, I was determined and It was going to be my goal for the new year. The stuff I thought I'd struggle with the most is the thing I enjoy most. The interacting with people part, the working on the till part, I love meeting people.
For a while everything was going swimmingly. Then people started saying…

‘You need to be quicker Esther,”

Was this a mistake, what’s the point If I can’t even keep up.

I was feeling bad for other people having to do my work as well as their own. They were nice about, they never got mad or shouted (at least that I saw.) For that reason, I stuck with it, I loved the job so much and the people I worked with.

It was month 6 that I finally began to find my stride. I was doing mainly morning shifts and had found a routine.  I was doing great, I was even getting good at completing everything (Well most of it) I needed to do before the next person came in for their shift.

On the 8^th month we were told there was to be a meeting. Apparently, Millie’s Cookies Stratford was closing, this meant I had to say goodbye to my job. I was nervous and worried, but I was reassured by my boss who said there’s a job going at Paddington station. I was excited, until I realised that there weren’t a Millie’s cookies in Paddington. Then I was back to anxious and worried.

I went to meet the manager who also managed a few other kiosks in Paddington. At this point it wasn’t clear where I was going to work. I thought maybe the Pastry shop because that was where I was told to meet him.

So, we sat down and had a chat. He asked about my Job history, why I hadn’t worked before, the usual. He told me where I was going to work (Delice De France btw). To be honest I had to look it up because I had never heard of it before. Mainly they do panni’s, baguettes and Pastries. Sort of like a posh Greggs (I mean a smaller Greggs) Anyway he seemed nice (He is nice).

I started on the 4^th September. I was told ‘we’ had to make 25 Panni’s x 5. I thought that’s doable with 2 people. Then that girl left and that’s how I worked, in the kitchen alone for the rest of my time there, making up to 100 Panni’s. I soon would realise that I had to make 16 breakfast croissants, not to mention a maximum of 20 breakfast rolls. That first day I wanted to leave. I stayed because it was the first day. I thought it can only get better, it didn’t, I still felt the same way I did on the first day a week later. I would have left that week but then I saw my pay check and I was like…Esther be strong. The next week I texted my boss that I had to leave DDF asap, stating personal reason’s as my why? This was the truth, it wasn’t a lie. To be quite honest with you I hated it there, from start to finish. I was miserable, I dreaded going to work, watching the clock when I was there, all of this in a few weeks. I knew I needed to leave before it started messing with my mental health.

So that’s where I am, unemployed looking for work (not in retail, God not in retail). Because I didn’t want to spend a second wasting it somewhere I wasn’t happy.

Life update.

No go on the McDonald job. I did some research (on the internet) before my interview. I know, I know, bad idea.
I'm going to focus on the voice that says
"It wasn't meant to be. You are meant for better things."
And not the one that says.
"Everyone gets a job at McDonald's...too shy, too shy, too shy."
I  was getting emails of job offers/ interviews including another administrator training job offer. Which I had to miss.
A care assistant training job, I applied for that.
A airport cleaner job offer. A few kitchen porter jobs.

On the 27^th of December my phone started to ring. I wasn’t going to answer it, it was the holidays and it was 9am. 

The phone call was from the manager of Millie's Cookies, asking me if I’m still interested in the job I applied for days earlier. The next day I went there, I thought it was an interview but it was a training day. The Manager asked me if I wanted the job, if I thought I could do it.

“Yes, I absolutely wanted the job.

You don’t know how wonderful it is to say, I’m starting the year with a job.

You got this.

I applied for a job (customer service,training) a few days ago (27 November). To be honest it was the

"Don't worry If you're lacking in skills" 
that drew me to it.

I thought to myself I'm just going to apply to this, what's the worst that could happen, you don't get a response.
And like a good friend once said

"If you don't ask, you don't get."

I got a call the next day inviting me for an interview. The lady told me they hand picked my CV. I think I said at one point. you saw my CV. The day came, I was told to wear business attire. So I went there in my jeans, t-shirt and trainers...just kidding (I don't own trainers...well I do but, I haven't worn them in years I'm guessing they probably don't fit me anymore) I know what business means.
The place was pretty easy to find. The interview started well, then the guy started talking about the next stage sort of like a trial run, then he said...

"Face to face."

and

"Observation"

Ooh...uh.

"We'll call you back between 4-6 today to let you know if you will be moving on to the next step (I feel like I'm on X-factor). If you don't hear from us, you were not successful."

Sitting on the bus, negative voice piped up...

'If you get the call back, if being the operative word...there is no way that they won't find out the truth. That you're too shy and quiet to ever be able to do this job.'

Positive voice (God) was having none of it...

'You can do this, Esther. Remember everything happens for a reason. God would not have put you here if he didn't think you could do it."

Well it's 2 am in the morning so I'm guessing I didn't get it. I'm not too dishearten, in the words of Westlife...

"You've got to fight for every dream
'Cause who's to know
Which one you let go
Would have made you complete."

Yes I did just quote Westlife...or their writers at least...I joke, I was a fan of Westlife, loved their songs.
I will tell you this It's amazing what wearing a suit can do to your confidence, Maybe, I'll only wear suits from now on.
When one door closes another one opens...I got a text from the manager of a McDonald to come in for an interview,fingers crossed.