Morning Pages #290

I am writing this at 5:46 am. I Just work up had a quick shower and decided to make a plate of fruit. Also made a cup of tea.

I am done fighting,

I am done explaining myself to people. 

I am letting go. What is going to happen will happen.

I am done trying to stop what is going to happen from happening. God has been trying to get through to me that the only thing I need to do is nothing. It's not easy and I think I need to let that go also.

not being able to do what God says straight away. What I've realized is I am not meant to follow God blindly, I am not meant to follow anyone blindly, I am not a robot I'm not perfection. I have doubts, my brain forgets. It forgets that I am strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at me. I forget that I have in the past. I forgot that God is all knowing all seeing. He has seen my story play out. He has seen the bigger picture. I will be anxious about tomorrow where my brain forgets everything is always ok. I have decided a few days ago to just accept the way things are. I want...no I need a change this year. I want to be out of survival mode this month. If I don't hear anything from my crush before 2025 I have to accept the fact he is dead and start the grieving process 

59 minutes, see you when I see you you

Morning Page #289

I managed to get to sleep last night and woke up around 9:48 am, Had a quick shower, in face I did my wash day. Where I wash my hair and do my facial routine, brush my teeth and shower.

Facial routine = spot control soap, Moistriser refresher. I also started using black soap. I've done it only less than five times. I dont know If see a difference yet. I realised I hadn't done my wash day since the 10th that's eight days. After my shower I folded the clothes drying on the doors and made myself a cup of tea. Wrote in my diaries, sure its only 11 but still.

11:45 am, Also the time of my appointment tomorrow. A cup of black tea (I don't know which one because it doesnt say the brand is Dragon... something). I got it in the Yummy boy I recently brought. I am anxious about my Universal Credit appointment tomorrow. They have said it will be up to the desicion maker. I don't care how they spin it that is a threat. And while were on the subject don't try to lie to yourself with sanctions are not the same. Look it up on Google. If you say if don't do this you will be this that thing is a threat. I just don't want to be forced to say what I don't want to. I don't want to tell them about what is going on with my sister. It's none of their business. On top of that these appointments are not done in private it's all out in the open. Where anyone can hear. I hope they change that in the future. I am going over and over having to explain myself. But what will actually happen is they will ask

'How my job search is going?'

Maybe ask why I didn't go to my interview. Book the next one, that's it. I am frustrated, because what's the point. I am anxious I'm overthinking for nothing. I can't go on like this anymore. I have my hands full walking on a tight rope and I've had enough. I need to know the truth of what happened between me and my crush. I request it happening this year. I need to be out of survival mode. If not I just have accept the the fact that my crush dies. And start the grieving process. 

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #288

Today I won't start with what I did and what I'm drinking. I Just say I had a quick shower and then I came to my room after making a cup of tea. It was 11:11. So I decided to write this I've been thinking lately about when today becomes history. I mean I have diaries from 2018, 2019 ect ect, I can look at them. Not that those are seen as history yet but I can read them and be taken straight back there. This reason has been added to why I write. Also so that I I can can have what I truly feel written down. So I eventually go through convincing myself I'm wrong because it will happen. I have an even to go to tomorrow (29th October) which I don't really want to go to. When my work coach suggested it I was positive about it. That was on the 7th November. On the one hand I'm trying to convince myself I'mok with it because I have to go,. I wish Universal Credit work coaches realise how demoralising it is to hear manditory. How Is you forcing someone to go to somewhere they don't want to. And this is a normal practice. Also on the other hand I don't want things to change. I'm very fearful of that. 

These are the things that are weighing me down and stopping me being my authentic true self.

(1) Having to explain my feelings, whi I did it that way? Why I am saying not what you think will be good for me

(2) Going through the process of convincing myself I'm wrong. The amount of time I waste in this energy.

(3) Keep silent with the truth of my feelings in order to not rock the boat or upset Lock the boat

My goal is to rid myself of these. Life is not meant to be lived with another person first, it's not.

1 hr, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #287

I'm feeling anxious today generally because of having to socialise and money. I stayed in bed for a few feeling sorry for myself then I got up and had a quick shower. After that I was feeling a lot better. I went to the kitchen refilled...

Btw I usually write this lying on my stomach but for some reason my wrist is hurting.

...my hot water bottle and poured a cup of hot water. When I came back to my room I saw it was 11:11, that put a smile on my face so I decided to write a Morning Page. I just now realized the depression I went through, the second one that ended when I checked myself into hospital. It was burn out because I wasn't so much sad as lacking energy. Like...I would say 60% 

oops I forgot to write the time. It was 11:38 when I started now it's 11.48. Which one will I count it from (the first one I just decided) I don't know.

I am on a mission to become my authentic true self. The person I am when I'm alone. I was going to say this mission started when I asked myself is it possible to live in zero people pleasing? 

The answer: absoutely yes.

But I think it was me realise the person I am when I am alone Is my goal. 

Step one: To let go of the fear of the outcome of every little thing. 

Step two: (which was very recent) Getting out of my head. Trying to sprint away from overthinking as much as I can. Now I will not be perfect I might even find I've only managed to do this once for the last month of the year. Its like when someone quits something like drinking or drugs. You can't just quit cold turkey. I just thought about looking back on old of these goese back to 2019. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #286

Yesterday gas and electricity was low. I really wish I had enough money so I don't have to rely on others, thats the goal. Anyway sent the message, funny thing is it was different this time. Where's I would  be awatke with anxiety about the electricity going off and having to ask for more because of power up. Not only that I managed to sleep in peace -

10:19: Just finished cup of PG tips. 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my iPad 

I forgot what I was going to write now I've been thinking lately about lookin back on these days. You know when others look back as...well when today has become history. I started down this road when I really started thinking about wasting time. I didn't want to look back and see the anxiety. I dont want to look back having spent it doing what others want me to do or people pleasing. I think that's why I start with that at the beginning. So this is for when people my kids and their kids read this in 100 years.

It's now 10: 46 I am currently watching 8 out of to Cats does countdown on my Ipad. I recently brought a new one. That one is slow and crashes a lot. It cost me £69..and a bit and it came with a keyboard and mouse. I think I might take it back to factory settings. I wonder if I'll rememeber if I did when this day becones history. I just printed out a step by step guide to achieve my dream lif. Living in Hawall with hubby. I'm saying we will have at least 6 kids in 2024 (as in that's what I think) I wonder how many we will actually have. These days I'm working on focusing on what I see in my future and removing my focus from the things I don't want to see in my future. These include 

Universal Credit our version of work based benefit today. Not many people like I dont think it will stand the test of time. 

Getting rid of my need to people please and hid how I'm truly feeling 

USA election planned for November between Karmal Harris and Donald Trump. P diddy was (I mean you won't know who that is so look him up) arrested last week. I am leaning heavily into my spiritual side. This month I've been focusing on vision from God. This whole year focusing on messages from God and the universe. Love seeing a heart and angel number. 

1 hour you 17 When minutes See see you.

Morning Page #285 The same amount of me without a filters on Tiktok

Woke just before 11.20 and had a shower. I know because when I went to the kitchen after it was 11:19. I saw It on my mum's phone but she but she was asleep. I wanted to try something that has worked in the past. The tea's I brought are rubbish.

11:36 am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my IPad. A cup of water, hot with lime and onion (purple)

I did a plece of art work that was what it actually means to put yourself in someone's shoes. The clock my mum had made is broken it came like that. I think because my mum didn't open it straight away and the package was pushed around. I wont tell my mum through because I don't want her to send it back. There's a new step to my thought of believing things are about to charge. These are things that on paper could be concidered cowincedence But like I've leant your life needs to be what you make it. It needs to be your life through your eyes. 

Now I can't remember what the second one was but the first one was Lyle and Enc menendez new trai. It's looking like they may get released.

Tea check: drinkable Its a little bitter. I think I picked the the wrong onions. 

Note to self: Only the white onions from now on.

The Menendez brothers killed both their parents after years of the worst kind of abuse.

Today is the of last day of my period and my latest Universal Credit appointment was on the 9th. I thought about resheduling it. It was 2 days ago and I was on my period. I didnt because I didn't want to have to think about it again. To worry I might get sanctioned for missing my appointment for a few days. 

Nothing new with my quest to manifest getting my crush to ask me to marry him. Except I am current working on letting my negative thoughts go. I daydream him turning up to my house with flowers and asking me out. The fact that he doesnt know where I live and has shown zero interest in me romantically is neither here nor there.

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #284

I woke thinking about Sul. Yea I'm past saying it's a crush and not mentioning names, this is love. 

Oh I just remembered my dream. Althrough not much of what happened. I know one of the guy's I met  during 'Get a life,' was there. Probably why I think I saw Sul.

Tea check: Warm drinkable

Woke up at 10:50 and had a quick shower. The loose tea leaf I order came in the post brought to me by my niece. I havent had a loose leaf tea in months

11:43am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my new Ipad (yea) It came with a mouse and keyboard, Loose leaf tea in front of me.

I wonder if I've writen about what I am about to write in here before. Just update on my life/ thoughts. 

Well a good example of how my thinking has changed is. I shaved my hair into a Mohawk style (oh surprise) on the 29th September. That would be 2 days ago right now. Then my eldest (or is it better to say oldest) brother said you know i can do it, you should have asked me. My reason for saying no was this

(1) I hate relying on other people that's the main one.

(2) It's about the experience. That's a skill I now have.

(3) I can't go down perfection avenue. This happened when I first shaved my hair it was patchy. My sister asked do I want to get it shaped. Right then I knew she missed the point.

It cant be about what it looks like to others. It has to be what it gives me. What it does for me. 

Because before that day I hadn't cut my hair that is an achievement. I need to be brutally honest about  the things that make me unhappy. And work on riding myself od those things for my future. Need to be brutally honest about the energies I am surrounding myself in.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Page #283 chapter 40

I woke and had a quick shower. My iPad had gone off because I wasn't charging it. I saw that it was 11:51. When I came back after my shower. I went to the kitchen to charge my hot water bottle and I decide to make a cup of tea.

12:30 cup of PG tips in front of me. 8 out of 10 cats on my iPad. 

Had a dream but can't remember it. Ant and Dec were there. I just got a message that my Universal Credit appointment will be changed to phone. Yes God is truly working behind the scenes. 

Ok, I am stuck on what to write so I'm just going to let it all out. The me without a filter of how I'm really feeling. Just remembered I haven't filmed a video in weeks for YouTube. I am going to do that in the next few days, maybe today. I'm also doing a breathing exercise on Finch care. It's been going for 3 minutes, Inhale... hold for 3... exhale...hold for 3. The Finch care app (where you look after a virtual pet) I would say turning 40 was the beginning of my next chapter. On that day I felt older though not 40 years old. It's a feeling I've never felt before to feel older so quickly. Like when it's the 1st of Jan and you are still writing the previous year. What I know is I can't won't be living in the old Esther. This fearful Esther, scared of the consequences, the outcome of every move I make. I am leaving the people pleasing, filtering/explaining myself Esther. The putting self last and ignoring my feelings Esther. Walking on eggshells and hiding my truth in order to not upset another is no longer welcome. I am done making myself smaller.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #282

Today's the start of a new chapter. Woke from a dream forgotten. On days like these it's emptying my head...no sorry that's when I don't remember the dream. I know something happened I just don't know what or who. Sometimes I see who, like the feeling. Today was my future hubby. When I walk I thought I saw 10:10 when I looked again it was 10:08. I was reluctant to write it in my science and messages from God notebook. God said still widely because it's what you saw. Change your thinking from supporting character. No more convincing yourself you are wrong. No more ignoring what you truly first thought. No more striving for perfection and definitely no people pleasing. It's time today to start whipping through life as a main character. You decide that's you. Don't let anyone tell me what you should do and where you should go. Get ready because... Requesting to delete your account on Universal Credit 

A new healthy relationship. 

Your own business and lots of travel is on the way. You are about to be living in dreams and day dreams as a reality 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Estherology 2024

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonise


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I don't really have one to be honest with you, but anywhere but Nandos.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably crisps

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pineapple all the way

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter or just butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?
1

What color cell phone do you have?
Grey (new this year)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts) I was 14 years old.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Noway, here's why I would be waiting for that day. In a physical sense and a literal sense.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No way Jose.

when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like shanique or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

Last person you hugged?

My oldest brother 


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
I think this means actual not place but I'll answer it both ways.

Christmas and Hawaii (hope to get there one day)

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?

I've had a crush/ been in love with him since 2006. Haven't seen him in 17 years, SM. I don't know why I wrote it like that I've said his name on here before. All you need to do is stroll down one.

Mood?
Little tired mixed with excited for the future.

What are you listening to?
Nothing (well the sound of the fan). 

Watching?

8 out of 10 cats does countdown


**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The toilet 

What's the last movie you saw?


Do you smile often?
Yes, yes I do

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Unfortunately 


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
Hardly ever, I also don't get many phone calls so there's that.

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

An automatic text, doesn't matter which. Tesco mobile (which is where I bought this phone)

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I wouldn't.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I never had it. Pretty sure it's a...in fact I'll look it up...oh its a fast food restaurant, for drinks (they might sell food as well. I didn't check that) from the list it would be , Coconut, Watermelon, Pineapple, 

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Yes just brought a new one, but I'm not a fan it's a kids one. I'm gonna have to buy another better one.

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No...though we will probably have pet fish in the future.

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Be pleasantly surprised.

9) Can you do push ups?

Yes, 

10) Can you do a chin up?
I haven't tried one before.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
So excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Grandma's lap, honestly think she tried to kill me, she hated me that much)

14) Do you have an accent?
Probably 

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Rihanna "Russian Roulette"

16) Plans tonight?
Complete my to do list 

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
06/10/2006 it was the worst day up to and since then.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Nothing

19) Have you ever been given roses?
No

20) Current worry?
Money, Money, Money 

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yeah. manly friends

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
I've been thinking today about where I'll spend Christmas. For the past few years it's been at home alone 

24) What song represents you?
christina aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
Not a soul probably or future me in...let's say 3 years.

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No, late bloomer here and proud of it. Because there's a good reason for that.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Ears pierced and one tattoo on my right wrist. It's a heart shaped semi colon with a peace sign inside with 06/10/2006 underneath.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
God said just say yes.

30) Does anyone love you?
Yes.a lot of people do.

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatevers in my head

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
nope


34) When did you last cry?
can't remember

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Myself 

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?

No, full stop. (When it comes to ex's) You can be friendly, but friends that's a no from me. It's not like I have any of those anyway. I was going say something different for prospects. It's kinda the same really. You don't want to torture yourself. How I feel about my crush is it's a relationship or nothing. And he has made his feelings clear.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old (in every sense of the word, lol. I gest) I've made less than 5 friends this year. All of them through social media.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Sure

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing hopefully

Morning Page #281

I am writing this at 13:34 because I really wanted to write a morning page. 

Woke at 8:08 I know this because I sit sleeper tracker. The thing with that is it will sometimes say not a great sleep when it was a good sleep. I think it's because sleep tracker measures everything. How long it took me to fall asleep (which is not always accurate), how long I am in r.e.m and deep sleep?. I just measure how many hours IDoes anyone ever feel like their definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else?

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all. slept? And how I felt. I think the point is I must look this earth from my eyes only. This is a lesson I'm learning recently. Today I'm worrying about my universal credit appointment on the 15th. I need uc2 disappea, the number one thing that will make me happier. Also getting a message from my crush but let's focus on this for now. 

I'm going over and over conversations in my head

(1) I need her to stop treating me like I'm younger than my age. Being patronised is annoying. You have eyes to see I'm not six so stop speaking to me like I'm stupid.

(2) I need my work coach to recognise her role. Which is to be an advisor. She doesn't get a say in what I do and how I live my life. I think sometime she forgets that. And that she needs her power removed. I need to do things my way. In fact it's essential that I do. So she says you need to call them or you should go there. I don't want to force myself to do it to please her. Where I forget reason, I hate talking to people on the phone. And need to think about the travel money, to think about wasting money. I can't live my life to please others anymore that stops today. 

Few days ago I felt my bed break. So I've been looking up a new one. Today I decided I should find a mattress then by the bottom bed a later date. 

45 minutes, see you when I see.

A true friend

Does anyone ever feel like their own definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else's.

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all.

Morning Page #280

Woke up at 9:20 am, and went to the kitchen. After, having a quick cold shower (became the boiler was off). I just washed my face and legs. I filmed today's YouTube video. Which turned out to be my autism journey. Then I made a short for Tiktok. It's an inspirational quote for the day. Has the date and everything. 

11:01 am cup of vanilla chai in front of me. Actually no, because I just finished it. Just turned 11:11 Note to self a good video idea. (I'll probably forget... Dear God help me to remember) I want to make these. 

1. a real brain dump.

2.... uh...I had one now I forgot. we'll come back to that.... oh how would I explain 

(btw I'm writing these while editing some YouTube videos)

Just letting God move my hands. I don't know if I've said it before on here. But I'll say it again anyway. (I think I have) I'm doing this 30 post a video a day on YouTube. This started on the 5th of July. I got the Idea a few days earlier. I said to myself I was going to do it on Friday, and I did. I'm also trying to...well God has... 

(and now I need to number 2)

...challenged me to see the beauty outside (As in my head), when I am feeling anxious. Right now it's about my Universal Credit appointment in 6 days. It will be a blessing when I can request to delete my account.

Yeah I'm going to have to pause this, It's 11:27 

11:39, Also anxious about money in general, And...

I think should I write down all my video Ideas. Or just let life happen.

(Ps: I didn't on the 15th of July when I was writing this up. Might still, let life happen.)

...paying for or stuff. I have zero pounds in my bank.

The beauty is out of my head. It's sunny outside, what I can see is my niece's bike. It's white and Purple, Purple, Seat white and Purple wheels. Now I am thinking about my... Please I was too young to write crush, which ended in year 5 (2010). No Suleymen Mehmet Mehmet is my future hubby, he is always on my mind, the song just popped into my head Elvis, but I'm also watching" DM to Df brace yourself the universe is taking you both on an unexpected detour *specific*

And the first message was so much has gone unsaid, yea, no s***. Btw I am not scared anymore to say his name or write it in this case. Scared because he might feel it's inappropriate because he's happily married with kids, or he feels like he has to reject. He's done that anyway many times. That's what has changed about me today. A lot of my fear has been removed. 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #279

Woke at 10:52 am. I decided to have a quick shower. Then took a cup to the kitchen 

11:11 am cup of tea leaf reading in front of me, American Dad on iPad

Ok so update, 

(1) I am back making YouTube videos again, started that on the 4th. 

(2) Also started on the 4th God has challenged me to get out of my head and look at the beauty around myself. Though I have written in that notebook in a few days. I'll do it today. 

(3) I went back to movies a day. Started on the 6th I think I watched the new Beverly Hills movie, Dune, big 6 Hero, The Wedding Ringer, and yesterday's Roleplay.

Oh, that was the 4th as well,

I'm quickly sanding myself into my daydreams about Sul. The recurring daydream about him showing up at my house with flowers. Today I daydreamed about him calling me sexy. Then saying the feeling is mutual. I said 'I want to say more but that's all I got,'

I've just been daydreaming about winning the lottery. The money would solve half my problems right now, and so would a house. I daydream about moving in with Sul and doing a couple of things including s**. I was daydreaming him ******** *** ******. Btw I am less fearful and I question myself less. The thing is not a lot of people will read this so I don't have to worry what people will think of me when l do. I write these blogs for myself, my future self to be exact, and him.

Suleymen Mehmet, that's who I've been in love with since 27th November 2006. In my head, he is my future hubby. Even though I haven't seen him in 17 years. I know the same amount of information I knew in 2006. 

Why?

I am quiet and I don't like conversing with people. I get my information from observation.

Just got the idea to talk directly to Sul. I've been in love with you since 2006. Even if you start today work up the courage to tell me the truth of feelings. Even if they are the opposite of how I feel. I think It's about time I knew.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #278

Woke up at 8:40, forgot a dream and used the bathroom. The Tiktok package came, I think I'll open it when I come back from my appointment.

9:04 cup of tea leaf tea In front of me American dad on my iPad. Yesterday I watched the new Beverly cop movie. A huge dose of nostalgia for me. It was the D-list cast who gave a D-list performance. If you had given me 10 guesses I wouldn't have guessed Joseph Gordon Levitt, not Kevin Bacon. 

For my appointment today! My goal is to open my eyes and look at the beauty around me. I have to let go of fear, fear of the outcome of things, fear of not being perfect, fear of being wrong. being wrong. Fear of my work coach (superior that she thinks she is!) saying sanctions. Mostly fear of my joy being stolen. Having to think about this appointment until the next one. She gave me something to do. Telling me I didn't this enough or that enough. I am taking back my power over my life, you have zero say.

I won't be seeing you in my future no way. Everything that is causing me pain removed yourself in Jesus' name.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #277

Woke at 6 am after 5 hours of sleeping. Then again at 9 am, I went back to sleep.

Just remembered I need to turn off the sleep tracker.

Woke again at 11 am, and went to the toilet. Slept with American Dad but I wasn't charging. last night so iPad was dead

oh that means the sleep tracker went off, anyway

Played American Dad currently on and so is the fan.

Something wonderful I was pulling from my motivation quotes jar and I pulled 

'you will be pleasantly and abundantly surprised today,' 

Then I went over to my emails and my Greggs course has been postponed, on my God

is great. He is brilliant I said it, didn't I? I said I would love it If It disappeared. It also got me thinking of my realisation a few days ago. That everything always works out. I don't need to worry about my mental health taking a hit if I go back to 40+ hours a week. It won't. Even If I had to go to that Greggs course on the 24th. I would have handled it and nothing I don't want to happen would want to happen. I am just smiling from today.

Also went back to my over-ear headphones because my ears were hurting, I don't know why. Yes, I do because I have been wearing in-ear headphones for months now, exclusively. 

winnings to because Why. 

55 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #276

Woke at around 8ish, then I had a quick Shower. In cold water because the boiler was off. I didn't want to get out and turn it on, to be honest with you.

08:57 am a cup of Earl Grey tea in front of me. I made it with half water and half milk. I once put some water in my cup hip before my hot chocolate and it was great. American dad on my iPad. Autoplay just stopped. It does this and I don't know why. Plays one and then stops when the autoplay is on.

I had a dream about my mum's mum. A few dreams, ago I had one that she was following me and wouldn't leave me alone. When I woke God said 

"She wants  to apologize let her,' 

The thing with that is I can't forgive unless I feel it in my heart. I think the mistake people make is you can't say no to God. God says do this and go here. And you're just meant to fall into place like a robot. God knows what you will say before you say it.

Tea check: Drinkable

I also made the same mistake before I woke up. The bottom line is I can't allow myself to give excuses in place of what I feel. This needs to be the story through my eyes. This is/ was the key to my acceрtance journey. Through my eyes, I was mentally abused by her. She treated me like something on the bottom of her shoe. There is a specific reason I say her and not my shoe. Because I know where mine has been. She was an angry person that was her default. mental abuse is like being constantly punched in the face. You can't do anything about it because you don't yet have the tools to block it or move out of the way. No one can say do these things because they don't see her punching you in the face. They see punching the air. So they have the luxury of saying 

'It's just old age, just ignore her,' Accepting other people's views was also key. The reason I  am not yet on forgiveness is close to it, but not quite. Is because it didn't get better it got worse. I can't say she was sorry. I can't accept the excuses because I know she was capable of kindness. The opposite way she treated me. All the excuses have nothing to do with me. It's like when someone finds out their ancestors owned slaves. They are quick to apologize. Know this all we have control over is what we say and what we do. We are not responsible for any other person's actions 

46 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #275

At almost 2 I couldn't sleep and started feeling anxious about electricity and gas, universal credit, and people-pleasing. 

At 6am, I had a quick shower and put some washing in the washing machine. Used the free washing tablets I got a few... well a week ago really. Made myself a cup of tea. I have some in my room because I have so much. So I took some hot water and a spoon to my room. I chose Twinning Sleep and a Peppermint tea. YouTube watch later lists are on my iPad 

Tea check: drinkable 

It's warm actually

I spent the last 40 minutes dealing with my nails and cutting them I hate when they get so I have to file them. I always want to cut them but I don't like not having nails, that's my dilemma.

Ok, so the next thing I right is what a true morning page is. I am doing it right now. To just write and don't think about what I am going to and should write. I've also been doing it or the way I've been doing it is letting God move my hand, like now.

The last few days I've been thinking, which I think I said in the last morning page. I've been thinking about survival mode and how I get out of it. I'm thinking is this it? Will my dreams and daydreams stay where they are? Will my dream life become a reality?

I think what I need Is to go through it. This is what I've decided right now. I can't say I feel anxious. I can't say be patient, stay positive. Because I need to walk through this to get to the other side. Dreams and daydreams make me happy I think I'll keep them.

35 Minutes, see you when I see you!

Morning Page #274

Woke at...I'm guess 11:25. Though I did 2 sleep at 5: 24am and woke around 7:35. 

11:54 am a cup of loose leaf tea in front of me. American dad on my IPad. 

I've been feeling sorry for myself these past few days. Nowadays days I am very aware when I am going down people-pleasing avenue. Like Iying I dont like it and it's hard to not feel un confortable when I am doing It. Feeling sorry because I am still in survival mode. That my dream life hasn't started yet. I want to be married and have kids. I want to not have to be forced to people please. Explaining what l am doing and why in every step of the way.  This is what has slowed me down I've realised like right now. I am in love that is a fact, with someone who doesn't even see me as a friend let alone a romantic option.

I had to do some admin work...sorry was forced to do some admin work for my mother. I don't think she understands the work that goes into it. I hate it and it stresses me out to no end. I need to not be doing it at all. 2025 is the year. I'M telling you she better find other arrangements. I was forced to become her receptionist I don't want that for my future. 

If the point is not my dreams and daydreams becoming reality, what is it.

Is he happily married? Does he have kids? Is he even alive?

45. minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 273

Woke about thirty minutes ago, had a shower.

10:52 am Tea leaf reading in front of me. Youtube watch list on my Ipad. 

Just received a Package from Amazon, it was the phone case I ordered. It has the words beautiful day on It with a heart. Feeling people pleasy, thinking about my universal credit appointment. Yesterday I was thinking...

Tea check: still hot

...that I can't take these things over to 2025. l must have an end to universal credit by 2025. If I see the universal credit appointment in Jan 2025 I will be in my given up mode. 

How do I keep going after that? There is no way I won't fall into depression. that. If this is the case, If 1 dont know the truth with my crush situation I dont know how I can keep being positive and waiting. I can't have it still be there, the hope, the images of the future, the Confession of feelings. The daydreams of him turning up to my house with flowered, not without action. I'm sick of being patient. Sick of tarot readings saying things like 

'you are the one that got away for him. He that egnored his feelings because he was scared. You were unlike anyone he'd ever met before. He didn't know realise the situation of this connection until now. He is coming back to you in 6 - 9 months. He is planning a good surprise.'

Well you been saying that for 2 years. If he felt a bit of what I felt for him I would know It by now. I mean what is he waiting for. I have loved this man since the 27 November 2006 I have accepted that maybe I need to accept he has never felt the same way. That is the truth from what I've seen. Not only has he never seen me in a romantic way. Now he doesn't even see me as a friend. I am just confusion and I have many questions was he dating someone in 2006? 

What made him change his mind? What made him think I didn't feel the same way? 

47 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #272

 I couldn't sleep because of the gas and electricity. At four something I sent the reminder message, and I received the money in an hour. 

Couldn't sleep because I was thinking of my appointment on the 22nd. I'm frustrated that I have to force myself to people-please. 

I'm feeling pretty stupid for feeling how I feel about my crush. To dream about marriage and kids when my story is single at 65. Been thinking about feeling guilty ever since that question. It feels wrong somehow to fantasize about a dream life that the other person is not on board with or living it with someone else. I would love it if I knew the truth. Maybe I haven't yet because I wasn't ready to hear it. 

11:24 am A cup of sleep and calm twinnings tea in front of me. American Dad episodes on my iPad. 

A new job opportunity came up, It's one I have thought of before yet not seriously. One of my oldest sister suggested it because she wants to do it too. When you hear it you might say

'Really, ooh right, get it, girl,' You also might have figured it out from the clues. I'll keep it to myself till it's a definite yes. 

I'm back to 30-day challenge printouts after a month. I am new to listening to my feelings and listening to my gut. So I still have a little bit left to question myself. occasionally God gives me confirmation. What looks like '

your decision is wrong and you need to change it.'

is actually

'You are right, don't question, don't doubt,'

I need to spend these next few days in peace and happiness. I won't allow universal credit to still my happy. Do not replace it with anxiety and stress.

55 minutes, see you when see you

Morning Page #271

Woke at 4:12 a.m. I had a dream that I won't be mentioning or writing down. It was horrible and not how I would behave in real life. Not a nightmare in the world's sense. 

I am thinking of an art idea, a drawing of my pet peeves. I'm also thinking of my dream life. Being in a relationship and living with zero people pleasing and zero worry about money. Just living my best life. I was recently reminded of some morning pages on Timehop. It motivated me to write some. 

Currently watching American Dad and drinking hot chocolate.

Daydreamed about making a pot of hot chocolate the way I made it today with peanut butter. Then stopping short and asked my best friend. 

Are you allergic to peanuts?

She nods 

Oh my God, I almost killed you. 

Writing this got me thinking about my best friend. In the past, I would say I have a lot of friends but not a best friend and that would be a lie. I thought my feelings were based on another.  Saying she is my best friend and getting your not mine reaction would be heartbreaking. I would feel like an idiot. Because she has other friends and I've known her for 17 years. How egotistical for me to think I am her best one. 

I thought about a question that just popped into my head.

Why don't you hesitate?

Fear of rejection.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #270

I woke at 6:24 then I made a cup of tea.

Should I make it with milk or water, (because it is an option now) I went with water.

Went back to sleep and woke again at 10:51.

11:21 am American Dad episodes on my iPad. I haven't watched that show in months.

At the moment I'm worried about my phone appointment in 39 minutes. I think it's just a formality, but my overthinking brain won't shut off.

update: the appointment was quick. As in in 8 minutes minutes was just quick It was just a formality. To see if I have any savings or capital. I don't honestly know what that means. Money I guess, they really just needed to know if I was entitled to have my rent paid. Who knows I could have gotten rich in the last 3 years. Today has been a relaxing excited for the future day. I had two dreams that I forgot. I think one I went to watch a movie. Daydreaming about being In a relationship. I tell you what it is so refreshing to have removed the filter from my life. I'm still not mentioning any names but the crazy (and it's crazy because I am very single and the last time I looked he wasn't, that was 14 years ago) thinking of I've already met my future hubby. We will one day be living in my dream life of, business partners and parents to 6 maybe more kids. I daydream about him coming to pick me up for breakfast on a Sunday. 

Me: Is it Jacket weather outside?

Him It's pretty hot

Also kissing.

45 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #269

Woke at II: II today from a dream about my future hubby. I think the message was about standing still, and not chasing what I want. Letting god work, I don't need to fight anymore, God will provide.

11: 50 something 24/4/24 What I need is to go within and let go of distractions, like anxiety because of being forced to be in people-pleasing mode. Lack of money. I will trust God. Whilst also listening to what I want first. I refuse to live in negative anything. I won't allow any human to send me back. l won't let any are convince me I am wrong. No to being in a explain or proving situation. No to your wrong opinion of me. You will only see the truth from now on. No to being in a position that doesn't let me grow and brings me peace and happiness only. I ask God right now to take away any human being's power from my life. I rebuke the spirit of rudeness and evil. You think you have the power, you don't. God is always above you make the decisions but you are just a puppet In God's timeline. remove yourself from my path in Jesus' mighty name Amen.

37 Minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #268

Woke at 10:30 ish, maybe 10:58ish. Went to the toilet (number one). Then to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Thought about making a chai. 

11:11 a cup of Glow Twinings and Peppermint tea in front of me. I was watching YouTube later lists but it's stopped playing during the night. I had my JBL headphones in as I slept and they were not in my ear when I woke, had a little panic attack. I found them on the bed, I think I won't do that again. Though I might forget about today.

I think the world has it all wrong. First half of my life was giving people excuses for their behavior. Kid in the playground bullies the weakest. Then we either do nothing or suspend them for a week. I don't care if the kid is going through two divorces. You know exactly what you were doing. The world has over corrected I think. They want to give bully the benefit of the doubt. But you forgot about the other person in this equation. It's the way the news reports mass shootings. They'll say here's what happened, here's who died, here's who did it. Here are the reasons why you should feel sorry for them. Tell me about the victims before you say anything about killer. This is what I have grown up with. I have ignored my own feelings, I told myself to not feel this, I feared being judged, that ends today. Today I want to live in relax and peace. 

Just now I drop something and couldn't find it. I decided to stop searching. Just now as I sat down to write this I looked over and saw it was stuck in my posters on my wardrobe, this is a sign. It's a lesson that had to be learned. God will give you everything you desire, you just need to stop searching. 

58 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #267

Slept to 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. It did stop playing during the night. I'm gonna try do that not have anything on because it makes my sleep better. I went to the kitchen and decided to make a loose leaf tea a reading.

11am, this month is going to be jampacked. Its Escapril 30 day challenge, fill a page a day. 2 days ago I shaved off my hair. I'm going to wait till it grows just before my birthday I'll dye it a crazy but I havent declded the colour yet. My birthday is in 5 months. I perdict my hair will grow a lot in that time. I shaved my hair 25th December 2023 It grew a lot in that time.

Thoughts:GOOD

I want to do an are piece of 

1. All the recurring daydreams. My crush turning up to my house with flowers. That long overdue conversation.

2. Art about kisses from my crush. 

BAD

Something is going on, something is wrong about Universal Credit not setting up an appointment yet. My last one was on the 6th March 

More thoughts

I need to complete days one an two of Escapril. I was thinking I should write down what I talked about in each me without a filter. of which there are 92, 93, after today. Also I am thinking of putting movies on my Instagram account, 

Honestmoviereviews1984

btw Its 92 plus the rest of the Marvel ones. I think I'll start that today. 

Love cats countdown I am in a binge mood these days. I can binge that all day a forget anything else. Like yesterdays movie I watched it at 1am this morning.

more thoughts 

thinks I need to pay for and my bank is empty. I'm trying to go with the flow and not worry. What I kept thinking was 'I could really use 300 pounds right about now,' 

Why 300 you say I eally dont know it's just a number that cane to me. Random, but not random. Maybe its because that's the amount that has been given from the universal credit (extra). God has told me dont do any Job search until  universal credit sets up the next appointment 

32 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #266

Woke at a few minutes before 10. Went to the toilet (number 1). Then went to the kitchen to make my tea. 

10.48 am cats does countdown on my laptop, A Cup of Turmeric chai tea front of me.

I got a message from a friend saying would you want to meet up on Saturday. I said sounds good, even though over thinking mainly how am I going to get there, how will I get home. I'm thinking I have no money in my card, but I can ask my mum for money. I can take a cab there. Then I worry about access to internet when I'm m coming home. I can get a bus where there is access to internet. I've also been daydreaming a surprise meetup with my crush. I havent seen this friend since 2018, 6 years and my crush since 2007 almost 17 years. Cant help but think about what if's. Like If we got married how old would our kids be would we still be or together today or would we have broken up. Then I think about his feelings for me. I know nothing, Zitch, Zero about them either way. This causes me to think about my childhood. If you asked me what words I would use to decribe it would say Guesswork. I just assumed because I didn't have talking to people in my tool box. I assume not only does he not fancy me he doesnt like me either bassed on the fact that I havent seen him in 17 years. Really I dont know so why am making It up, that's a waste.

A week turned into a month turned into a year turned into 17 years. 

37 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #265

Woke at 8:59 had another dream that I totally forgot, think It had my crush.

9:06 am a cup of sleep and Peppermint tea. The computer and I Pad went off during the night. Because I wasn't charging it so I put it on. Last night I put my mother's day gift in the living room. I was going to go back and change whereI put it but God said just leave it and his angels sang it. I'm happy that not only did my niece not get to it (which is what I was worried about). My mum didn't See It yet. I got the chance to give it to her myself. I am happy twice, number 1 I liked my gift. Number two so did she. I've been experimenting with lying down when I'm tired. I changed it from sleep when you're tired because I don't always sleep and I was beginning to see it as a failure. What this is helping is...me to listen to my body. And it's also an opportunity to dream, daydream being asked on a date. 

Him: You can take as long as I took to say this but would you want to have dinner with me.

Me: I dont even need a minute all I need is a second, the answer is yes. 

Him turning up to my house house with flowers is a recurring daydream I have. Also the sentence 'I'm sorry I ever made you feel that I dont feel the same way,' 

Tea check: still hot but drinkable.

I'm daydreaming life as a couple. I would be so so happy when I see him in person. Not in my dreams or daydream.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #264

Today I woke at 7:46 I had a dream...intermert dream about Someone I didnt want to.

11:50am a cup of sleep twinnings and peppermint tea in front of me. Last night I was bingeing 8 out 10 catsdoes contdown. 

I have to move a decision based on my gut and what my body is telling me. Because I'm feeling ill but have a party to go to tomorrow. should I still go. I dont want to disappoint besides I always enjoy myself. If I don't go I will miss out but like I said lm ill. I'm thinking when my relationship will start. To be honest l am thinking about when my crush/ future husband will ask me out to get the ball rolling.

21 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #263

Woke up at 5:10 am then again at 10:10 am. My niece came to my room so I thought everyone was out. I brushed my teeth and made myself a cup of tea.

10:45 am a cup of innings (Revitilise) in front of me. I stood in front of the cupboard for a minute p. I didn't want to make a hot chocolate. I have so many teas, too many choices. I remembered very little of my dream. I had a baby. Meaning I was a mother. Slept to episodes of Family Guy on Disney+

I just want to be left alone. That's a sentence that has been running in my head for days. I am so scared about being in a place I don't want to be. I mean I've been through depression twice. I'm scared of driving down the road to depression city. I know that things are changing I know my survival mode is soon ending. I have a brilliant idea that I know will work. The thing is I don't want to be in a rush. I don't want to push myself out of my comfort zone like I have in the past. I want to enjoy what is to come, every step of it. Anyway, I did some research and I think the course is online which eases my mind a little. I did a customer service course in 2022. Which is why I'm reluctant for any retail-based course. All it gave me was anxiety and stress. I need to let it go. This is what God is trying to teach me. Nothing is a mistake. This course, I need to focus on the positives. Nothing I don't want or am not ready for will come to pass in Jesus' name.

45 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #262

Woke up at 8:26 am and went to the toilet. I was tossing and turning al all night because I was anxious about my appointment tomorrow. A quick shower then I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.

9:36 am cup of twinnings quiet mind (vanilla, and rooibos) in front of me. Right now I am on TikTok, but I was binging Family Guy episodes on "Disney+. I also Slept to it.

I am very aware of the consequences of my actions. I mean I am turning 40 this year. I can't afford to put myself in a position I don't need to be in. I wish Universal Credit understood that searching for work as a 17/18-year-old is different from an almost 40-year-old. I really need to be left alone.  But I'm also juggling not being seen as lazy or not doing enough to look for work. I just need this to be removed.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #261

Woke at 840 ish and I needed the toilet. After that, I played a few levels on Cooking Diary and Treasure Party. Did today's Duolingo lesson. Today's Timehop and manifest app. 11:11 watch later list on YouTube. I was watching GMM's Gut check marathon. A cup of PG tips in front of me. I started bringing out some old merch. Today's is supernatural A lesson was learnt yesterday. 

'There is no going back fall Stop!'

God's exact words, so If you say yes when you wanted to say no. When you said no before. You picked back up a habit you broke. It's not a step back because it was always meant to happen. Imagine we didn't live in a world of www.coms. And we didn't share. Let's say you only saw your journey. For you to be mad you didn't know at 1 year old you would have to carry your tray to your next class. You can't be born and then be in year 2. You have to be a baby and go through 1 2 3 4 5 reception and then year one before get to 2, you can't skip it, you know it's not possible. If you walk Into a dark kitchen and you take more than a second to find the light. Then you beat yourself up about not finding it sooner. Yes, it's the kitchen, I think most kitchen lights are roughly in the same place. The fact is you didn't know where the light was before you knew it. Your life went walk, search for.. let's say 30 seconds, turn on light. It couldn't have gone walk in, turn or light because that's not your journey.

35 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #260

Woke at 5 something and then I didn't go back to sleep. Being on friendly credit the gas supply went off at 10. That was what was keeping me awake. So I spent my morning getting It back on.

11:30 am Haunting in Venice movie on Disney+ on the laptop, a cup of twinnings tea (can't  remember which one)  

Tea check: Drinkable.

Anxiety led to overthinking led to frustration. And Paranoia over my lack of lack of love life. The one who didn't know he was the one at the time. Broke my heart and now lives rent-free in my head. I thought, then l was shocked. How could I have been so wrong? It can only be a joke. Idiot how can you think..... (laugh). Just because... doesn't mean he liked you. The message is clear, then why do I still feel this way. What is the lesson I need to learn? 

I just now daydreamed a conversation of him asking what I daydreamed about when it comes to us. 

Me: All the things that couples do I say. From our first date to our kids 

:how many kids will we have?

Me: 6 twin girls another girl and three boys.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #259 inner monologues

I slept to the new Chicken Run movie. It's today's movie. Oh, my goal is to make a video a day. A project I'm calling 'me without a filter,' and decided to add watch a new movie (new for me of course) to it. I slept after making today's video. 

Have you ever been in love?

Woke up at 11:38, then | woke again at 12:38. I went to the kitchen. I thought I might as well do a tea leaf reading. While there l thought of tomorrow's video 'my spiritual journey,' I don't know If you know this about me. You might have assumed correctly (those of you who don't know me in real life that is). I grew up in a Christian home. That's how I would start it. That beginning has been going around in my head for an hour. I'm wondering if I should write it down, I don't want to forget it. Got me thinking about inner monologues. Because I had always thought this was how everyone thinks. Ever since that debate came up. You know whether I have it or not. This has made it clearer 

40 minutes see you when I see you.