Today I won't start with what I did and what I'm drinking. I Just say I had a quick shower and then I came to my room after making a cup of tea. It was 11:11. So I decided to write this I've been thinking lately about when today becomes history. I mean I have diaries from 2018, 2019 ect ect, I can look at them. Not that those are seen as history yet but I can read them and be taken straight back there. This reason has been added to why I write. Also so that I I can can have what I truly feel written down. So I eventually go through convincing myself I'm wrong because it will happen. I have an even to go to tomorrow (29th October) which I don't really want to go to. When my work coach suggested it I was positive about it. That was on the 7th November. On the one hand I'm trying to convince myself I'mok with it because I have to go,. I wish Universal Credit work coaches realise how demoralising it is to hear manditory. How Is you forcing someone to go to somewhere they don't want to. And this is a normal practice. Also on the other hand I don't want things to change. I'm very fearful of that.
These are the things that are weighing me down and stopping me being my authentic true self.
(1) Having to explain my feelings, whi I did it that way? Why I am saying not what you think will be good for me
(2) Going through the process of convincing myself I'm wrong. The amount of time I waste in this energy.
(3) Keep silent with the truth of my feelings in order to not rock the boat or upset Lock the boat
My goal is to rid myself of these. Life is not meant to be lived with another person first, it's not.
1 hr, see you when I see you.
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