Woke at around 8ish, then I had a quick Shower. In cold water because the boiler was off. I didn't want to get out and turn it on, to be honest with you.
08:57 am a cup of Earl Grey tea in front of me. I made it with half water and half milk. I once put some water in my cup hip before my hot chocolate and it was great. American dad on my iPad. Autoplay just stopped. It does this and I don't know why. Plays one and then stops when the autoplay is on.
I had a dream about my mum's mum. A few dreams, ago I had one that she was following me and wouldn't leave me alone. When I woke God said
"She wants to apologize let her,'
The thing with that is I can't forgive unless I feel it in my heart. I think the mistake people make is you can't say no to God. God says do this and go here. And you're just meant to fall into place like a robot. God knows what you will say before you say it.
Tea check: Drinkable
I also made the same mistake before I woke up. The bottom line is I can't allow myself to give excuses in place of what I feel. This needs to be the story through my eyes. This is/ was the key to my acceрtance journey. Through my eyes, I was mentally abused by her. She treated me like something on the bottom of her shoe. There is a specific reason I say her and not my shoe. Because I know where mine has been. She was an angry person that was her default. mental abuse is like being constantly punched in the face. You can't do anything about it because you don't yet have the tools to block it or move out of the way. No one can say do these things because they don't see her punching you in the face. They see punching the air. So they have the luxury of saying
'It's just old age, just ignore her,' Accepting other people's views was also key. The reason I am not yet on forgiveness is close to it, but not quite. Is because it didn't get better it got worse. I can't say she was sorry. I can't accept the excuses because I know she was capable of kindness. The opposite way she treated me. All the excuses have nothing to do with me. It's like when someone finds out their ancestors owned slaves. They are quick to apologize. Know this all we have control over is what we say and what we do. We are not responsible for any other person's actions
46 minutes, see you when I see you.
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