Morning Page #277

Woke at 6 am after 5 hours of sleeping. Then again at 9 am, I went back to sleep.

Just remembered I need to turn off the sleep tracker.

Woke again at 11 am, and went to the toilet. Slept with American Dad but I wasn't charging. last night so iPad was dead

oh that means the sleep tracker went off, anyway

Played American Dad currently on and so is the fan.

Something wonderful I was pulling from my motivation quotes jar and I pulled 

'you will be pleasantly and abundantly surprised today,' 

Then I went over to my emails and my Greggs course has been postponed, on my God

is great. He is brilliant I said it, didn't I? I said I would love it If It disappeared. It also got me thinking of my realisation a few days ago. That everything always works out. I don't need to worry about my mental health taking a hit if I go back to 40+ hours a week. It won't. Even If I had to go to that Greggs course on the 24th. I would have handled it and nothing I don't want to happen would want to happen. I am just smiling from today.

Also went back to my over-ear headphones because my ears were hurting, I don't know why. Yes, I do because I have been wearing in-ear headphones for months now, exclusively. 

winnings to because Why. 

55 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #276

Woke at around 8ish, then I had a quick Shower. In cold water because the boiler was off. I didn't want to get out and turn it on, to be honest with you.

08:57 am a cup of Earl Grey tea in front of me. I made it with half water and half milk. I once put some water in my cup hip before my hot chocolate and it was great. American dad on my iPad. Autoplay just stopped. It does this and I don't know why. Plays one and then stops when the autoplay is on.

I had a dream about my mum's mum. A few dreams, ago I had one that she was following me and wouldn't leave me alone. When I woke God said 

"She wants  to apologize let her,' 

The thing with that is I can't forgive unless I feel it in my heart. I think the mistake people make is you can't say no to God. God says do this and go here. And you're just meant to fall into place like a robot. God knows what you will say before you say it.

Tea check: Drinkable

I also made the same mistake before I woke up. The bottom line is I can't allow myself to give excuses in place of what I feel. This needs to be the story through my eyes. This is/ was the key to my acceрtance journey. Through my eyes, I was mentally abused by her. She treated me like something on the bottom of her shoe. There is a specific reason I say her and not my shoe. Because I know where mine has been. She was an angry person that was her default. mental abuse is like being constantly punched in the face. You can't do anything about it because you don't yet have the tools to block it or move out of the way. No one can say do these things because they don't see her punching you in the face. They see punching the air. So they have the luxury of saying 

'It's just old age, just ignore her,' Accepting other people's views was also key. The reason I  am not yet on forgiveness is close to it, but not quite. Is because it didn't get better it got worse. I can't say she was sorry. I can't accept the excuses because I know she was capable of kindness. The opposite way she treated me. All the excuses have nothing to do with me. It's like when someone finds out their ancestors owned slaves. They are quick to apologize. Know this all we have control over is what we say and what we do. We are not responsible for any other person's actions 

46 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #275

At almost 2 I couldn't sleep and started feeling anxious about electricity and gas, universal credit, and people-pleasing. 

At 6am, I had a quick shower and put some washing in the washing machine. Used the free washing tablets I got a few... well a week ago really. Made myself a cup of tea. I have some in my room because I have so much. So I took some hot water and a spoon to my room. I chose Twinning Sleep and a Peppermint tea. YouTube watch later lists are on my iPad 

Tea check: drinkable 

It's warm actually

I spent the last 40 minutes dealing with my nails and cutting them I hate when they get so I have to file them. I always want to cut them but I don't like not having nails, that's my dilemma.

Ok, so the next thing I right is what a true morning page is. I am doing it right now. To just write and don't think about what I am going to and should write. I've also been doing it or the way I've been doing it is letting God move my hand, like now.

The last few days I've been thinking, which I think I said in the last morning page. I've been thinking about survival mode and how I get out of it. I'm thinking is this it? Will my dreams and daydreams stay where they are? Will my dream life become a reality?

I think what I need Is to go through it. This is what I've decided right now. I can't say I feel anxious. I can't say be patient, stay positive. Because I need to walk through this to get to the other side. Dreams and daydreams make me happy I think I'll keep them.

35 Minutes, see you when I see you!

Morning Page #274

Woke at...I'm guess 11:25. Though I did 2 sleep at 5: 24am and woke around 7:35. 

11:54 am a cup of loose leaf tea in front of me. American dad on my IPad. 

I've been feeling sorry for myself these past few days. Nowadays days I am very aware when I am going down people-pleasing avenue. Like Iying I dont like it and it's hard to not feel un confortable when I am doing It. Feeling sorry because I am still in survival mode. That my dream life hasn't started yet. I want to be married and have kids. I want to not have to be forced to people please. Explaining what l am doing and why in every step of the way.  This is what has slowed me down I've realised like right now. I am in love that is a fact, with someone who doesn't even see me as a friend let alone a romantic option.

I had to do some admin work...sorry was forced to do some admin work for my mother. I don't think she understands the work that goes into it. I hate it and it stresses me out to no end. I need to not be doing it at all. 2025 is the year. I'M telling you she better find other arrangements. I was forced to become her receptionist I don't want that for my future. 

If the point is not my dreams and daydreams becoming reality, what is it.

Is he happily married? Does he have kids? Is he even alive?

45. minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 273

Woke about thirty minutes ago, had a shower.

10:52 am Tea leaf reading in front of me. Youtube watch list on my Ipad. 

Just received a Package from Amazon, it was the phone case I ordered. It has the words beautiful day on It with a heart. Feeling people pleasy, thinking about my universal credit appointment. Yesterday I was thinking...

Tea check: still hot

...that I can't take these things over to 2025. l must have an end to universal credit by 2025. If I see the universal credit appointment in Jan 2025 I will be in my given up mode. 

How do I keep going after that? There is no way I won't fall into depression. that. If this is the case, If 1 dont know the truth with my crush situation I dont know how I can keep being positive and waiting. I can't have it still be there, the hope, the images of the future, the Confession of feelings. The daydreams of him turning up to my house with flowered, not without action. I'm sick of being patient. Sick of tarot readings saying things like 

'you are the one that got away for him. He that egnored his feelings because he was scared. You were unlike anyone he'd ever met before. He didn't know realise the situation of this connection until now. He is coming back to you in 6 - 9 months. He is planning a good surprise.'

Well you been saying that for 2 years. If he felt a bit of what I felt for him I would know It by now. I mean what is he waiting for. I have loved this man since the 27 November 2006 I have accepted that maybe I need to accept he has never felt the same way. That is the truth from what I've seen. Not only has he never seen me in a romantic way. Now he doesn't even see me as a friend. I am just confusion and I have many questions was he dating someone in 2006? 

What made him change his mind? What made him think I didn't feel the same way? 

47 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #272

 I couldn't sleep because of the gas and electricity. At four something I sent the reminder message, and I received the money in an hour. 

Couldn't sleep because I was thinking of my appointment on the 22nd. I'm frustrated that I have to force myself to people-please. 

I'm feeling pretty stupid for feeling how I feel about my crush. To dream about marriage and kids when my story is single at 65. Been thinking about feeling guilty ever since that question. It feels wrong somehow to fantasize about a dream life that the other person is not on board with or living it with someone else. I would love it if I knew the truth. Maybe I haven't yet because I wasn't ready to hear it. 

11:24 am A cup of sleep and calm twinnings tea in front of me. American Dad episodes on my iPad. 

A new job opportunity came up, It's one I have thought of before yet not seriously. One of my oldest sister suggested it because she wants to do it too. When you hear it you might say

'Really, ooh right, get it, girl,' You also might have figured it out from the clues. I'll keep it to myself till it's a definite yes. 

I'm back to 30-day challenge printouts after a month. I am new to listening to my feelings and listening to my gut. So I still have a little bit left to question myself. occasionally God gives me confirmation. What looks like '

your decision is wrong and you need to change it.'

is actually

'You are right, don't question, don't doubt,'

I need to spend these next few days in peace and happiness. I won't allow universal credit to still my happy. Do not replace it with anxiety and stress.

55 minutes, see you when see you

Morning Page #271

Woke at 4:12 a.m. I had a dream that I won't be mentioning or writing down. It was horrible and not how I would behave in real life. Not a nightmare in the world's sense. 

I am thinking of an art idea, a drawing of my pet peeves. I'm also thinking of my dream life. Being in a relationship and living with zero people pleasing and zero worry about money. Just living my best life. I was recently reminded of some morning pages on Timehop. It motivated me to write some. 

Currently watching American Dad and drinking hot chocolate.

Daydreamed about making a pot of hot chocolate the way I made it today with peanut butter. Then stopping short and asked my best friend. 

Are you allergic to peanuts?

She nods 

Oh my God, I almost killed you. 

Writing this got me thinking about my best friend. In the past, I would say I have a lot of friends but not a best friend and that would be a lie. I thought my feelings were based on another.  Saying she is my best friend and getting your not mine reaction would be heartbreaking. I would feel like an idiot. Because she has other friends and I've known her for 17 years. How egotistical for me to think I am her best one. 

I thought about a question that just popped into my head.

Why don't you hesitate?

Fear of rejection.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.