Morning Page 298

Woke at 8: 40, maybe I'll say just tired. I eventually go to the kitchen get a yoghurt and make tea and I thought I might as well drink water I thought I wasn't going to today.

10:10 a.m. YouTube in front of me finish my tea before I started writing, currently watching Sambuca's latest I Tested the Limits of Restaurants video. I had a breakthrough yesterday, I need to listen to myself I can't continue to ignore my feelings over another's truth reason. I know what I know because I see it through my eyes I can no longer give people the benefit of the doubt and ignore what I feel. I've been telling myself for years 

they didn't mean it.

they are just busy.

The fact that 90% of your interactions is positive means they didn't mean it. They didn't mean to upset me and the fact that you took it that way is your fault. I'm telling myself since ever that I just need to push myself to be better. I thought that it was all my fault that my struggle to talk to people is the only problem. it's like when I go for interviews and all I can do is my part. I've been on so many. I've done so many mock interviews. I know what to do, I know what not to do, I know how to dress. Ultimately that means nothing because it's not up to me if I get the job or not. it will be something that I have no clue about. I cannot allow myself to obsess like I did in my past over what more can I do, what did I do wrong.

What I am up to now is this.

It's 11 20 a.m. I'm currently watching Hart to Hart on YouTube love that show. I've been switching between that and diagnosis murder. I haven't watched murder she wrote in weeks (possibly a week) there must be a new episode added. Also found some episodes of TJ hooker. I am doing my energy tracker, reset tracker and morning routine set by chat GPT. enjoying the meal replacement shakes from nupo. Definitely going to buy it again. I spoke to someone from the job center about the course, it was a hospitality course. She told me what it involved, that at the end it would be a job in a hotel and because it's not what I want I decided not to go for it. I can no longer do something that might get me a job to do something just to be seen doing something in the eyes of the job center. I can no longer be the person you expect me to be. I can no longer push myself in two ways. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. Pushing myself to be the world's Esther, working 40+ a week pushing myself to where I don't sleep, ignoring my mental health for what, to just about afford what I need to be active socially. Ignoring that I prefer to spend time alone and I'm happy about it. Or I can work on myself putting my mental health and feelings at the front of my mind. Pushing myself to the level I can achieve and no more working on becoming my true authentic self. Which is me without a filter happy and strong and thriving. I can no longer do both of these. One has to be gone so I'm letting go of the first 

1 hour 20 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #297 Remove them forever please

I slept at 6 something..Woke at just before 7am. Today is a morning routine to tackle exhaustion day. Step into bright light, drink a glass of water (no salt though). I had a quick shower. Put my iPad on to charge and put on an episode of diagnosis murder.

8:01 calm twinnings tea in front of me. 

I'm was excited to write a morning page today but there's a smell I can't locate. It smells of wee. It's so annoying. Is it a rat? I just showered, it's not the bin because bits new (a new bin liner) 

Tea check: Drinkable 

Depression is harder this time around. It's always there. I think about the after. I had an overwhelming feeling that the plane I was on was going to crash. Also on the 23rd Sigh ni had an overwhelming feeling of jumping out of my hotel window to my death. I imagined falling in front of the two people walking past. I didn't feel this way again the whole trip. And I didn't feel like the plane I was on going home was going to crash (much). 

I feel like I was invited to a party that everyone and their dog knows is a prank. There's just been souch silence. I could really use a friend right now. I can't keep going this way . I can't continue being a beggar friend and guesswork. I beg every day for God to take these feelings away and reveal the truth. Remove the things causing me pain. Remove me thinking that my friends care, they don't. Please I am on my knees remove my feelings for the guy who doesn't remember I exist. Let alone that we use to be friends. Please let me move on so that I can find the guy who actually wants me. I have waited enough time on this. I can't keep believe it's him and me and.our 6 kids it's not, it's clearly not. I feel like a stupid punk. Silence is what I got. Please help me to breath again. I need my dreams and daydreamsvas a reality or for them to be removed forever this year.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Update: The smell was from the bed sheets I forgot about in my bed drawers that got dam because of the leak from the bathroom that came in to my room. All washed now and no more smell, 🙏🏽thank God

Morning Page #296 Why so exhausted

Woke at 10:20ish

 Oh... a part of my dream came back to me.

I am trying to tackle exhaustion and tired-ness. So I was doing that.

10:55am Murder she wrote episodes on my Ipad. Currently only season 2:15 on channel 5

Two things I know

(1) It's not normal 

I wake and then 20 minutes later or less I am exhausted.

(2) It may have something to do with my worming routine (since I've done this 2 other days it seams its working) but it has nothing to do with the fact that I live in my bed. Because this has only been since this year and that has been my routine for 10 years. Maybe more, I would say...my teen years if I'm honest. 

The morning routine is this.

1.Sit up

2.Open the curtains 

3.Step into bright light

4.Drink a full glass of water (add a pinch of salt🤷🏾) 

5.After 20- 30 minutes eat a small protein snack, nuts, yogurt a boiled egg (Today was a boiled egg)

6.Avoid lying or sitting in dim light for 30 minutes after waking.

I'm also doing 5 goals for 30 days. 

{1} One small creative piece a week.

{2} 10-25 minutes emotional release (which today is a morning page) 

{3} Create a core values list

{4} No screens 29 minutes after waking.

{5} To have conversations without a filter. Currently I've had 2. It's been 4 days. 

Emotional release: I'm a little anxious about my UC appointment in 2 days. I am scared of being in trouble or then saying I can't go. Blaming me for saying yes to that course or thinking I did it on purpose. I fear not being able to explain myself and not getting receptionist removed from my journal. And therefore having in my head while on my holiday. That is my focus get receptionist removed. I am beating myself up. Why on earth would I say yes when the answer is clearly no. Admin stresss me out . And I don't want a job in hospitality. What happens is I think it's too late to change my mind so I been convincing myself I actually can do this course anyway, the small print of /customer service. 

Distracted by the scratch in the inside of my left ear. I forgot what I was going to write. I will just let my work coach take the lead. But lie I said receptionist needs to be removed.

53 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #295 The truth {How I feel these days}

Woke at 9:48am, last night I was feeling the full affects of depression. I'm not fully over it now. I got that way because I was thinking about having to force myself to people please. Why must I still be surrounded by negativity. I'm not just surrounded, I'm cemented. I mean am I going to be here for another 5 years. If so why couldn't you just leave me in ignorant bliss. 

I just had an accident with my ice cream (dropped it) and had to change my clothes. Literally just changed my shorts. I was trying to pick something up but I dropped my ice cream on myself.

10: 20am Murder she wrote on my iPad. Black tea in front of me. Watching tarot set me off. You know made my mood low. I think it might be time to stop for a while. When it stops being excited for the future and starts being frustration and anger. You've been saying this for years, since 2021tk be exact. Maybe I just need to except that my life is not temporary. That I will be single and in survival mode till I die. 

Tea check: Drinkable 

I've been thinking about death more and more this year. Mine and my families. I do believe a change is coming soon. Could it be my death. I feel safe in writing this because people have forgotten I exist. Nobody reads these but me. I'll put money on that. I see myself moving both physically and mentally. A drastic divine intervention by the hands of God. I think it's out of sight out of mind. I wonder what.is the thinking. I haven't heard from you in 10+ years. Do you think about me? Do you care if I'm alive? Obviously you thought I had friends around me. You were just living your life. It feels like when you have a question and then...that's it. In this day and age in my opinion you have no excuse to keep that question in your head. Because Google exists. The only explanation to the silence is they thought I was fine that I had other friends or they forgot I existed. I was for a while. I'm independent I don't really crave people. I'm still a human being though and at some point silence kills. It gives girl take a hint vibes. Maybe people I once called friends know I'm alive through social media.  Maybe you were supporting in silence. That's fine but it needs to be loud now. I think this year is the end of it all. I'm feels like God is preparing me for living in the next chapter and I'm ready.

56 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 294 What will it take for closure (to close this chapter)

11:19 murder she wrote on Ipad, sleep tea from twinnings.

I am mad the wheel on the suitcase broke and the superglue I have is finished. My left thumb is itching now. I am a mix of emotions. I feel like I should be grateful the first suitcase I brought was too small I thought. Now I have a bigger one like I said at least there will definitely be enough space. I am angry that the wheel broke the thing is new for goodness sake. Increased anger that my dupwrglur is finished and that I couldn't fix the wheel . Glad is the last day of my period. I'm also happy I have a new batch of tea. 

Tea check: drinkable 

This is the last year, after 1st of January 2026 I am done. You can only stretch your positity so far. I thought I had friends but the silence is deadly. The excuses don't fly anymore. I have received nothing and I don't know why. I would have been happy with a birthday wish every year.if that's all you can manage so be it. Nothing is not acceptable. I can't be the one initiating all the time. It feels very 'gorl take a hint vibes,' Maybe it's because I am a happy smiley positive person. People assume I have plenty of friends. I don't have any. It was just you guys. I clearly took more out of this than you. Maybe it wasn't that deep and your silence wasn't personal. Thing is I am and I will. It feels like the unpopular kid invited to a party by the popular kid and everyone and their dog knows it's a prank. I know I will one day be in a room again with these people. They will ask me. 

'You could have reached out,'

'You could have messaged me,'

I hope that when that day comes I am brave enough to say the truth. I couldn't put myself through the disappointment no more. My energy was low. Your reason is valid. It just be nice to know them for closure, like my crush. 

'I didn't know, I had no idea,'

Fact is you tell people how you feel with your actions. I'm not psychic I can't believe the opposite of the evidence forever. That makes me delusional and I can't live there a day longer. Truth is love plane and simple. Despite the nothing it hasn't gone away it's gotten bigger. I wondered how he will react when he finds this out. Is he even alive? If so why would God give me something to hope for that is not possible. For my closure I need the truth. That's the next part of my healing.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #293

Right now it's 23:01 in the evening...yea

Today a year ago I asked God to remove the things causing me pain. When I realised not gonna lie I was a bit disappointed and sad. Beyim exactly where I was a year ago. Then I caught myself I actually am far away from where I was a year ago. I may not be out yet but I can be positive about the fact I am closer. Also I hate that God had to remind me that he sees the bigger picture. He is all the steps ahead. 

Today I had a duck wrap and chicken boritio, chicken boritio is dry so I put some b+q sauce and on the duck wrap just because, both from pret. I made myself a cup of tea from loose leaf (which is low) and did a tea leaf reading. I was trying to decide what to watch, I put on murder she wrote. An then decided to watch something in Disney+. I clicked on American dad. I was binge watching that up until a few hours ago.

I'm pausing this to dry my clothes in the washing machine.

23:23

00:03 back after drying my clothes, making myself a plate of leftover rice and stew. Also my mum came back from church. 

I can't help but notice... sometimes it needs to be slapped in my face, so obvious...I don't know...I was thinking of a phrase but I forgot it. Everything I am was because I was forced to become that.

Patience because I cared too much what people thought of me.

I have a never give up attitude because it is (still is) very difficult for me to talk to people, to ask questions for fear of being wrong. The one that started me down this thought. 

I don't complain because I didn't feel like I could speak up about what I needed (which btw also made me independent)

I know for fact I couldn't have been who I am (also known as the person God knew from before birth) in fact it's the world that has beaten that out of me. It started when I was in school and was told speak up like I was doing it on purpose. 

Anyway I diagress 

...now if I had to talk to be I know I would have to find vadication in people. I can't rely on others to tell me who I am. That's apparent when the people from my past considered me shy...They we're wrong. I'm quiet no doubt. How do I know I'm funny because I talk to myself. I am the most important one in this situation. 

59 minutes I see you when I see you

Morning Page #292 Actions speak louder than words.

8:07 am, I woke at 7 something, might be close to 50. I poped in some throat sweets,

ah 08:08

I feel that was a mistake, weird that my mouth doesnt feel weird affer the two throat sweets (Lockets btw) I had it last night. Maybe because I had tea too.

yes that must be it. I went to the kitchen made myself a cup of of tea, cup of sweet dreams tea in front of me Spotify Playlist love story on. I recentntly as in yesterday found myself on my playlists. I am making my way through to see if I should delete them. I'm sure there's a lot of repeated songs. I slept to youtube 

Tea check: Still hot, I thought it would be warm.

I am going to start adding these to my blog again. Starting with this one. I think God gave no these Morning Pages and Me without a filter on Tiktok because he knew the with a filter was killing me. Walking on eggshells, hiding how I really feel so that I dont upset the people around me is exhausting, understandable Ive done it for 40 years. 

Tea check: Still hot but...no it's not drinkable. (Perseeds to burn her mouth)

Current song playing let's stay together by Lemur.

The truth is I 've been going through depression since 28th Nov 2024. I havent heard a thing from a 'friend,' in years apart from that one who knows who she is. Honestly our last conversation didn't feel like friends It felt like she was my therapist. That's why I haven't texted since then. It felt like I was an inconvenience to her, I was disturbing her. I feel lonely, if I didn't have family and God I would have no one. 

Tea check: Drinkable 

Bottom line is actions speak louder than words. I have...I didn't realise I was hurting myself by giving people the benefit of the doubt. I mean If I asked when is the last time you spoke to a friend (assuming you have some). You probably would say something close to a week at least. It's not normal to not hear from people who consider themselves your friends in years. There's only one conclusion from this those relationships were one sided, including my crush / love of my life/ future hubby. 

It seems like I took a truck load from this, more than they did. 

A lot of this requires I don't take this personally but the thing is 

I am and I will.

I just had a realisation that is what God has been trying to teach me. The lesson that has been starring me in the face.

I can say

They lost my number (or didn't take/want it in the first place)

I can say

They are busy.

I can even go as far to say 

They forgot I existed, which hurts me to my core.

But by doing that I break my own heart by ignoring my feelings.

Actions speak louder then words. You might as well have stabbed me that would have hurt less than this unnecessary silence. I'm sick of living in guess work of fighting to be seen. I know when you read this next sentence you will have an answer ready but resist that. 

I'm sick of teaching people what I need. they should know.

(not mind readers)

It should not be this hard to be understood.

The thing is I've spent 40 years trying to do just that. Beating myself up when it falls on death ears. Disappointed by the response. I am exhausted. On the 14th July I decided  I'm done with that. I'm staying still and whatever is meant for me will find me.

I've been living my life wrong it's not normal to explain as you go. I wake up I go to the toilet to pee. I decide to shower since I'm here. Or get a drink from the kitchen, decide to make breakfast. Or do those things and then come to the opposite conclusion. I cannot put myself through this mentally and physically.

58 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #291 Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Currently Its 5:48 In the afternoon. I know its not morning but I really wanted to write this on New years day. I plan to write a crazy amount this year. I mean tecnically It can only be 365, lol. I had a Peace and Peppermint tea to start the day. Wrote two dreams and a thought thought for my jars, filmed me without of filter. This year will be the best year ever. I expect a lot of pleasant surprises very positive, things removed. The people sent to destroy me and cause me pain and negativity will not succeed. In fact it will be sent back to them. Their thoughts about me in a a negative way will be sent back to them. Drama is not for me keep me out of it. Anxiety will be less this year. I'm living on the end of a lot of things. I will be out of survival mode in Jesus name. Out of rooms that feel like a chore. Out of rooms where I have to filter in Jesus name.

13 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #290

I am writing this at 5:46 am. I Just work up had a quick shower and decided to make a plate of fruit. Also made a cup of tea.

I am done fighting,

I am done explaining myself to people. 

I am letting go. What is going to happen will happen.

I am done trying to stop what is going to happen from happening. God has been trying to get through to me that the only thing I need to do is nothing. It's not easy and I think I need to let that go also.

not being able to do what God says straight away. What I've realized is I am not meant to follow God blindly, I am not meant to follow anyone blindly, I am not a robot I'm not perfection. I have doubts, my brain forgets. It forgets that I am strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at me. I forget that I have in the past. I forgot that God is all knowing all seeing. He has seen my story play out. He has seen the bigger picture. I will be anxious about tomorrow where my brain forgets everything is always ok. I have decided a few days ago to just accept the way things are. I want...no I need a change this year. I want to be out of survival mode this month. If I don't hear anything from my crush before 2025 I have to accept the fact he is dead and start the grieving process 

59 minutes, see you when I see you you

Morning Page #289

I managed to get to sleep last night and woke up around 9:48 am, Had a quick shower, in face I did my wash day. Where I wash my hair and do my facial routine, brush my teeth and shower.

Facial routine = spot control soap, Moistriser refresher. I also started using black soap. I've done it only less than five times. I dont know If see a difference yet. I realised I hadn't done my wash day since the 10th that's eight days. After my shower I folded the clothes drying on the doors and made myself a cup of tea. Wrote in my diaries, sure its only 11 but still.

11:45 am, Also the time of my appointment tomorrow. A cup of black tea (I don't know which one because it doesnt say the brand is Dragon... something). I got it in the Yummy boy I recently brought. I am anxious about my Universal Credit appointment tomorrow. They have said it will be up to the desicion maker. I don't care how they spin it that is a threat. And while were on the subject don't try to lie to yourself with sanctions are not the same. Look it up on Google. If you say if don't do this you will be this that thing is a threat. I just don't want to be forced to say what I don't want to. I don't want to tell them about what is going on with my sister. It's none of their business. On top of that these appointments are not done in private it's all out in the open. Where anyone can hear. I hope they change that in the future. I am going over and over having to explain myself. But what will actually happen is they will ask

'How my job search is going?'

Maybe ask why I didn't go to my interview. Book the next one, that's it. I am frustrated, because what's the point. I am anxious I'm overthinking for nothing. I can't go on like this anymore. I have my hands full walking on a tight rope and I've had enough. I need to know the truth of what happened between me and my crush. I request it happening this year. I need to be out of survival mode. If not I just have accept the the fact that my crush dies. And start the grieving process. 

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #288

Today I won't start with what I did and what I'm drinking. I Just say I had a quick shower and then I came to my room after making a cup of tea. It was 11:11. So I decided to write this I've been thinking lately about when today becomes history. I mean I have diaries from 2018, 2019 ect ect, I can look at them. Not that those are seen as history yet but I can read them and be taken straight back there. This reason has been added to why I write. Also so that I I can can have what I truly feel written down. So I eventually go through convincing myself I'm wrong because it will happen. I have an even to go to tomorrow (29th October) which I don't really want to go to. When my work coach suggested it I was positive about it. That was on the 7th November. On the one hand I'm trying to convince myself I'mok with it because I have to go,. I wish Universal Credit work coaches realise how demoralising it is to hear manditory. How Is you forcing someone to go to somewhere they don't want to. And this is a normal practice. Also on the other hand I don't want things to change. I'm very fearful of that. 

These are the things that are weighing me down and stopping me being my authentic true self.

(1) Having to explain my feelings, whi I did it that way? Why I am saying not what you think will be good for me

(2) Going through the process of convincing myself I'm wrong. The amount of time I waste in this energy.

(3) Keep silent with the truth of my feelings in order to not rock the boat or upset Lock the boat

My goal is to rid myself of these. Life is not meant to be lived with another person first, it's not.

1 hr, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #287

I'm feeling anxious today generally because of having to socialise and money. I stayed in bed for a few feeling sorry for myself then I got up and had a quick shower. After that I was feeling a lot better. I went to the kitchen refilled...

Btw I usually write this lying on my stomach but for some reason my wrist is hurting.

...my hot water bottle and poured a cup of hot water. When I came back to my room I saw it was 11:11, that put a smile on my face so I decided to write a Morning Page. I just now realized the depression I went through, the second one that ended when I checked myself into hospital. It was burn out because I wasn't so much sad as lacking energy. Like...I would say 60% 

oops I forgot to write the time. It was 11:38 when I started now it's 11.48. Which one will I count it from (the first one I just decided) I don't know.

I am on a mission to become my authentic true self. The person I am when I'm alone. I was going to say this mission started when I asked myself is it possible to live in zero people pleasing? 

The answer: absoutely yes.

But I think it was me realise the person I am when I am alone Is my goal. 

Step one: To let go of the fear of the outcome of every little thing. 

Step two: (which was very recent) Getting out of my head. Trying to sprint away from overthinking as much as I can. Now I will not be perfect I might even find I've only managed to do this once for the last month of the year. Its like when someone quits something like drinking or drugs. You can't just quit cold turkey. I just thought about looking back on old of these goese back to 2019. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #286

Yesterday gas and electricity was low. I really wish I had enough money so I don't have to rely on others, thats the goal. Anyway sent the message, funny thing is it was different this time. Where's I would  be awatke with anxiety about the electricity going off and having to ask for more because of power up. Not only that I managed to sleep in peace -

10:19: Just finished cup of PG tips. 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my iPad 

I forgot what I was going to write now I've been thinking lately about lookin back on these days. You know when others look back as...well when today has become history. I started down this road when I really started thinking about wasting time. I didn't want to look back and see the anxiety. I dont want to look back having spent it doing what others want me to do or people pleasing. I think that's why I start with that at the beginning. So this is for when people my kids and their kids read this in 100 years.

It's now 10: 46 I am currently watching 8 out of to Cats does countdown on my Ipad. I recently brought a new one. That one is slow and crashes a lot. It cost me £69..and a bit and it came with a keyboard and mouse. I think I might take it back to factory settings. I wonder if I'll rememeber if I did when this day becones history. I just printed out a step by step guide to achieve my dream lif. Living in Hawall with hubby. I'm saying we will have at least 6 kids in 2024 (as in that's what I think) I wonder how many we will actually have. These days I'm working on focusing on what I see in my future and removing my focus from the things I don't want to see in my future. These include 

Universal Credit our version of work based benefit today. Not many people like I dont think it will stand the test of time. 

Getting rid of my need to people please and hid how I'm truly feeling 

USA election planned for November between Karmal Harris and Donald Trump. P diddy was (I mean you won't know who that is so look him up) arrested last week. I am leaning heavily into my spiritual side. This month I've been focusing on vision from God. This whole year focusing on messages from God and the universe. Love seeing a heart and angel number. 

1 hour you 17 When minutes See see you.

Morning Page #285 The same amount of me without a filters on Tiktok

Woke just before 11.20 and had a shower. I know because when I went to the kitchen after it was 11:19. I saw It on my mum's phone but she but she was asleep. I wanted to try something that has worked in the past. The tea's I brought are rubbish.

11:36 am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my IPad. A cup of water, hot with lime and onion (purple)

I did a plece of art work that was what it actually means to put yourself in someone's shoes. The clock my mum had made is broken it came like that. I think because my mum didn't open it straight away and the package was pushed around. I wont tell my mum through because I don't want her to send it back. There's a new step to my thought of believing things are about to charge. These are things that on paper could be concidered cowincedence But like I've leant your life needs to be what you make it. It needs to be your life through your eyes. 

Now I can't remember what the second one was but the first one was Lyle and Enc menendez new trai. It's looking like they may get released.

Tea check: drinkable Its a little bitter. I think I picked the the wrong onions. 

Note to self: Only the white onions from now on.

The Menendez brothers killed both their parents after years of the worst kind of abuse.

Today is the of last day of my period and my latest Universal Credit appointment was on the 9th. I thought about resheduling it. It was 2 days ago and I was on my period. I didnt because I didn't want to have to think about it again. To worry I might get sanctioned for missing my appointment for a few days. 

Nothing new with my quest to manifest getting my crush to ask me to marry him. Except I am current working on letting my negative thoughts go. I daydream him turning up to my house with flowers and asking me out. The fact that he doesnt know where I live and has shown zero interest in me romantically is neither here nor there.

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #284

I woke thinking about Sul. Yea I'm past saying it's a crush and not mentioning names, this is love. 

Oh I just remembered my dream. Althrough not much of what happened. I know one of the guy's I met  during 'Get a life,' was there. Probably why I think I saw Sul.

Tea check: Warm drinkable

Woke up at 10:50 and had a quick shower. The loose tea leaf I order came in the post brought to me by my niece. I havent had a loose leaf tea in months

11:43am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my new Ipad (yea) It came with a mouse and keyboard, Loose leaf tea in front of me.

I wonder if I've writen about what I am about to write in here before. Just update on my life/ thoughts. 

Well a good example of how my thinking has changed is. I shaved my hair into a Mohawk style (oh surprise) on the 29th September. That would be 2 days ago right now. Then my eldest (or is it better to say oldest) brother said you know i can do it, you should have asked me. My reason for saying no was this

(1) I hate relying on other people that's the main one.

(2) It's about the experience. That's a skill I now have.

(3) I can't go down perfection avenue. This happened when I first shaved my hair it was patchy. My sister asked do I want to get it shaped. Right then I knew she missed the point.

It cant be about what it looks like to others. It has to be what it gives me. What it does for me. 

Because before that day I hadn't cut my hair that is an achievement. I need to be brutally honest about  the things that make me unhappy. And work on riding myself od those things for my future. Need to be brutally honest about the energies I am surrounding myself in.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Page #283 chapter 40

I woke and had a quick shower. My iPad had gone off because I wasn't charging it. I saw that it was 11:51. When I came back after my shower. I went to the kitchen to charge my hot water bottle and I decide to make a cup of tea.

12:30 cup of PG tips in front of me. 8 out of 10 cats on my iPad. 

Had a dream but can't remember it. Ant and Dec were there. I just got a message that my Universal Credit appointment will be changed to phone. Yes God is truly working behind the scenes. 

Ok, I am stuck on what to write so I'm just going to let it all out. The me without a filter of how I'm really feeling. Just remembered I haven't filmed a video in weeks for YouTube. I am going to do that in the next few days, maybe today. I'm also doing a breathing exercise on Finch care. It's been going for 3 minutes, Inhale... hold for 3... exhale...hold for 3. The Finch care app (where you look after a virtual pet) I would say turning 40 was the beginning of my next chapter. On that day I felt older though not 40 years old. It's a feeling I've never felt before to feel older so quickly. Like when it's the 1st of Jan and you are still writing the previous year. What I know is I can't won't be living in the old Esther. This fearful Esther, scared of the consequences, the outcome of every move I make. I am leaving the people pleasing, filtering/explaining myself Esther. The putting self last and ignoring my feelings Esther. Walking on eggshells and hiding my truth in order to not upset another is no longer welcome. I am done making myself smaller.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #282

Today's the start of a new chapter. Woke from a dream forgotten. On days like these it's emptying my head...no sorry that's when I don't remember the dream. I know something happened I just don't know what or who. Sometimes I see who, like the feeling. Today was my future hubby. When I walk I thought I saw 10:10 when I looked again it was 10:08. I was reluctant to write it in my science and messages from God notebook. God said still widely because it's what you saw. Change your thinking from supporting character. No more convincing yourself you are wrong. No more ignoring what you truly first thought. No more striving for perfection and definitely no people pleasing. It's time today to start whipping through life as a main character. You decide that's you. Don't let anyone tell me what you should do and where you should go. Get ready because... Requesting to delete your account on Universal Credit 

A new healthy relationship. 

Your own business and lots of travel is on the way. You are about to be living in dreams and day dreams as a reality 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Estherology 2024

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonise


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I don't really have one to be honest with you, but anywhere but Nandos.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably crisps

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pineapple all the way

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter or just butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?
1

What color cell phone do you have?
Grey (new this year)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts) I was 14 years old.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Noway, here's why I would be waiting for that day. In a physical sense and a literal sense.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No way Jose.

when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like shanique or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

Last person you hugged?

My oldest brother 


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
I think this means actual not place but I'll answer it both ways.

Christmas and Hawaii (hope to get there one day)

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?

I've had a crush/ been in love with him since 2006. Haven't seen him in 17 years, SM. I don't know why I wrote it like that I've said his name on here before. All you need to do is stroll down one.

Mood?
Little tired mixed with excited for the future.

What are you listening to?
Nothing (well the sound of the fan). 

Watching?

8 out of 10 cats does countdown


**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The toilet 

What's the last movie you saw?


Do you smile often?
Yes, yes I do

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Unfortunately 


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
Hardly ever, I also don't get many phone calls so there's that.

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

An automatic text, doesn't matter which. Tesco mobile (which is where I bought this phone)

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I wouldn't.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I never had it. Pretty sure it's a...in fact I'll look it up...oh its a fast food restaurant, for drinks (they might sell food as well. I didn't check that) from the list it would be , Coconut, Watermelon, Pineapple, 

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Yes just brought a new one, but I'm not a fan it's a kids one. I'm gonna have to buy another better one.

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No...though we will probably have pet fish in the future.

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Be pleasantly surprised.

9) Can you do push ups?

Yes, 

10) Can you do a chin up?
I haven't tried one before.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
So excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Grandma's lap, honestly think she tried to kill me, she hated me that much)

14) Do you have an accent?
Probably 

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Rihanna "Russian Roulette"

16) Plans tonight?
Complete my to do list 

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
06/10/2006 it was the worst day up to and since then.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Nothing

19) Have you ever been given roses?
No

20) Current worry?
Money, Money, Money 

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yeah. manly friends

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
I've been thinking today about where I'll spend Christmas. For the past few years it's been at home alone 

24) What song represents you?
christina aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
Not a soul probably or future me in...let's say 3 years.

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No, late bloomer here and proud of it. Because there's a good reason for that.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Ears pierced and one tattoo on my right wrist. It's a heart shaped semi colon with a peace sign inside with 06/10/2006 underneath.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
God said just say yes.

30) Does anyone love you?
Yes.a lot of people do.

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatevers in my head

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
nope


34) When did you last cry?
can't remember

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Myself 

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?

No, full stop. (When it comes to ex's) You can be friendly, but friends that's a no from me. It's not like I have any of those anyway. I was going say something different for prospects. It's kinda the same really. You don't want to torture yourself. How I feel about my crush is it's a relationship or nothing. And he has made his feelings clear.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old (in every sense of the word, lol. I gest) I've made less than 5 friends this year. All of them through social media.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Sure

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing hopefully

Morning Page #281

I am writing this at 13:34 because I really wanted to write a morning page. 

Woke at 8:08 I know this because I sit sleeper tracker. The thing with that is it will sometimes say not a great sleep when it was a good sleep. I think it's because sleep tracker measures everything. How long it took me to fall asleep (which is not always accurate), how long I am in r.e.m and deep sleep?. I just measure how many hours IDoes anyone ever feel like their definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else?

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all. slept? And how I felt. I think the point is I must look this earth from my eyes only. This is a lesson I'm learning recently. Today I'm worrying about my universal credit appointment on the 15th. I need uc2 disappea, the number one thing that will make me happier. Also getting a message from my crush but let's focus on this for now. 

I'm going over and over conversations in my head

(1) I need her to stop treating me like I'm younger than my age. Being patronised is annoying. You have eyes to see I'm not six so stop speaking to me like I'm stupid.

(2) I need my work coach to recognise her role. Which is to be an advisor. She doesn't get a say in what I do and how I live my life. I think sometime she forgets that. And that she needs her power removed. I need to do things my way. In fact it's essential that I do. So she says you need to call them or you should go there. I don't want to force myself to do it to please her. Where I forget reason, I hate talking to people on the phone. And need to think about the travel money, to think about wasting money. I can't live my life to please others anymore that stops today. 

Few days ago I felt my bed break. So I've been looking up a new one. Today I decided I should find a mattress then by the bottom bed a later date. 

45 minutes, see you when I see.

A true friend

Does anyone ever feel like their own definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else's.

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all.